torranceshipman Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 This is really for OW's who have ended up in an A through the MM lying about their status when they met, and who promise the OW that they'll leave the W very soon (how often have we heard that!): After months of reading this forum....I wish everyone would just decide honesty was the best choice here. To say to the MM tomorrow: do the right thing and leave your wife, or I'll leave you, and in the process tell your W what kind of man she's with if you don't be true to your word ). I'm not saying do this to be spiteful - but because its the truth, and it gives the W a choice to decide what she wants to do and be informed now that she knows the MM is screwing around behind her back. Doing this would also immediately show you EXACTLY what the MM's true feelings and intentions are toward you, and that would spare you YEARS of wasted time, believing his promises and then realising he actually never planned to leave. We generally wouldnt need this board if everyone demanded some honesty from their MM's, honesty to the W's if the MM didnt follow through, and honesty with themselves to NOT hold on to promises that aren't going to come true. On the most basic level...honesty and integrity is always the best choice, no matter what situation we've ended up in-whereverwe are NOW-telling the truth is really the way out. And 'staying for the kids' and 'doesn't want to hurt the kids' - sorry - the MM has already done that by screwing around with other people. If nothing else demanding accountability from the MM might make him think twice about what he is risking and how damaging this could be to his kids. I'm not trying to be judgemental on anyone, I'm just tired of reading about OW's being treated like crap, wasting years of their lives with losers who lie to them and their W's, and if everyone just demanded some honesty here, so many of these A's would be stopped in thei tracks v.v.quickly.
Curmudgeon Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Is being honest really such a BAD thing? I'm sure it is when what you're doing isn't -- honest, that is.
pricillia Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I recently told her and feel that I did the right thing... the dust has not settled as of yet. But I could not lie anymore, if it is true and he does love me then he needs to show it. I just could not lie anymore!
Curmudgeon Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I recently told her and feel that I did the right thing... the dust has not settled as of yet. But I could not lie anymore, if it is true and he does love me then he needs to show it. I just could not lie anymore! He does need to hop down off the fence. In the interim, feeling better about yourself is not a bad thing, you know. It took a lot of character.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 You know being honest isn't a bad thing... However when you bring love and invested time into the situation, it's just not that easy for some... If someone can turn their back on someone they love so easily, good for them! Stand up and be applauded! Because that's what it would feel like you are doing to the man you love... Some women who have been lied to are so disgusted with the fact that he lied that they leave immediately... Others are very torn with the situation and decide they cannot live like that and leave soon after finding out... And there are others who simply stay because they have found someone that they love and share a deep bond with...and forgive the deceit... Each situation is different, but everyone has a choice...and the choice that one makes is unique to all the factors involved... But I could never betray someone that I loved in the way you are describing in your OP...I think it's better to make a graceful exit and let whatever will be, be...
pricillia Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 He does need to hop down off the fence. In the interim, feeling better about yourself is not a bad thing, you know. It took a lot of character. Thanks C! I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted. I partly feel guilty has to who am I to ask him to leave an established family ( not sure to what extent) but I want to start a life and if he is not ready then he needs to let me go. I really do care for this man... and I have not felt this way about someone before... If he is not happy then he should make the changes that he needs to and stop the lies.
pricillia Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Gel, I still feel like I betrayed him... But I think to myself, he deserves to be happy and so do I... there is always a shining light in every relationship, someone who says ok this is the right thing to do... we need to make some changes, it is a toss up, you will either be stonger for it or the bond will be broken. I am scared and not sure what will happen... but I guess I am better off than just wondering all the time. All of the lies were eating me up inside, and I was not happy at all.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Gel, I still feel like I betrayed him... But I think to myself, he deserves to be happy and so do I... there is always a shining light in every relationship, someone who says ok this is the right thing to do... we need to make some changes, it is a toss up, you will either be stonger for it or the bond will be broken. I am scared and not sure what will happen... but I guess I am better off than just wondering all the time. All of the lies were eating me up inside, and I was not happy at all. P: I wasn't questioning your decision at all...You had to do what you had to do...Please don't think I am judging you...my above post had nothing to do with your situation at all, k? (((HUGS))) Mostly I am just tired with many people on this site deciding what is best for everyone else...The point I am trying to make is that things happen and everyone has a choice...and if someone thinks that someone else is immoral or wrong or whatever, then that's THEIR OPINION...but to decide what should be right for everyone else, I just don't agree with that... And I'm sorry if that makes some people sick or whatever, but EVERYONE has to MAKE their own way in their OWN LIFE! And people will make bad decisions, but that's life! The whole point is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try to make better decisions in the future...
GreenEyedLady Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 P: I can't send you a PM until you clear space in your PM storage...
Curmudgeon Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Mostly I am just tired with many people on this site deciding what is best for everyone else...The point I am trying to make is that things happen and everyone has a choice...and if someone thinks that someone else is immoral or wrong or whatever, then that's THEIR OPINION...but to decide what should be right for everyone else, I just don't agree with that... And I'm sorry if that makes some people sick or whatever, but EVERYONE has to MAKE their own way in their OWN LIFE! And people will make bad decisions, but that's life! The whole point is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try to make better decisions in the future... ...is that we only know what's best for us and we'll never know what's best for someone else. Every person and every situation is different, unique, with their own beginnings and their own individual endings. It's very true that we all make mistakes in life. After 60 years, mine are legion. All i can speak to is what I believe based upon my own, individual values and that's all they are. They're mine and mine alone. For the record, it's the commonality of morals and beliefs in right and wrong that create a society. Without it there would just be anarchy.
Ripples Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Mostly I am just tired with many people on this site deciding what is best for everyone else...The point I am trying to make is that things happen and everyone has a choice...and if someone thinks that someone else is immoral or wrong or whatever, then that's THEIR OPINION...but to decide what should be right for everyone else, I just don't agree with that... And I'm sorry if that makes some people sick or whatever, but EVERYONE has to MAKE their own way in their OWN LIFE! And people will make bad decisions, but that's life! The whole point is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try to make better decisions in the future... For the record, it's the commonality of morals and beliefs in right and wrong that create a society. Without it there would just be anarchy. Exactly. GEL, why do you think there are laws? Why do you think we teach our kids it's wrong to steal, cheat, lie, rape, murder? Most of your posts seem to be about justifying your own position as an (ex?)OW.
NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Exactly. GEL, why do you think there are laws? Why do you think we teach our kids it's wrong to steal, cheat, lie, rape, murder? Most of your posts seem to be about justifying your own position as an (ex?)OW. Just about ALL of her post seem to be about justifying her position as an (ex)OW. What's new? There are many OW here that applaud the OW no matter how wrong and chide everyone that expresses an opinion that doesn't support the decisions that one must make to be an OW. GEL isn't alone. They tend to *band* together. And then have the audacity to say that others are banding together against them - always the *us* against *them* here. Laws, morals, right, and wrong are for stuffy, betrayed people that don't believe in love and haven't met their soulmate.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 The whole point is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try to make better decisions in the future... I agree completely with this but you don't mention what to do with/about the people that are brought down with you on the way? Do we owe them a hand to get back up, run fast before they come to, what's right exactly. We all learn from our mistakes hopefully, that's about growing, but if we fail to consider others in our actions then are we really growing and learning or just forging ahead?
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