Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Tom, IMO she will find out somehow. I would hope for her sake that it's not an STD, that would suck! However I still think if the W found out that MM had sex with another it would really upset her, but finding out about an Emotional affair, that would be devestateing. I mean for a woman to know that that an OW won her H's heart? That must be the worst! AP Sorry Answer I had missed this post: I think you are right. I remember when when I first started dating my guy and he had already been living on his own for like 2 or three months and so we started dating, we would go everywhere hand in hand smooch in public attend public events where we had many people in common and we would do this as a couple, which we were at the time. Even though he never made it a point to keep it a secret from society he insisted on not telling his W that he was involved with me because he thought it would kill her to know he had moved on. But I would always say to him, "you have to tell her you have to let her know we are together because she is going to find out sooner or later and THAT is going to kill her, it's the worse thing you can do to her to let her find out third hand" . He would tell me no he didn't want to hurt her like that, he would assure me that after months when time passed and she was more used to the idea that he was not going to come back home that it would be easier to accept that we were together, we would on occasion fight about this "detail" . Well she did end up finding out we were together and of course all hell broke loose, and like many MM who cheat they old" it wasn't until I saw her all hurt that it hit home what I had done to her". Would I have told her back then? it was not my place to interfere in how he wanted to handle the break-up and I believed he wanted to do it to avoid confrontation and more unecessary pain (not my style but not my place to tell him how to break off his M), Anyway once he came back into my life and decided to contact me to tell me he was still in love and all that crap, while he had moved back with her, THAT'S a different story. At that point he was trying to make me part of the triangle and at that point I felt it was my duty to tell her what he was about that if she wanted to work on saving the marriage it would never happen if he kept coming around to sniff out what was going on with me. At that point I think I did a selfless act (in one respect) because the guy was still contacting me even after I called his W and if I really wanted him I could have kept contact with him and tried to seduce him or something lame like that to "win him back" obviously he did not want to let go, but what's the point? Who he turned out to be is not at all who I thought he was. Not sure why for some people they find it hard to believe that an OW might not want the MM after she sees him for who he really is!?? Telling his W about him once I saw the light was ridding myself of the problem, and it's not like she didn't know who she was dealing with, she did take him back after she caught us together so my news was not all that shocking really....I guess I just wanted her to know for a fact I wanted NOTHING more to do with her H.
GregsBad Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Or to get rid of him for good! Oh right ... didn't think about that!
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Oh right ... didn't think about that! That's ok GB, because the OW/OM is considered the villian, it's only natural most people's first instinct is to think of the worst reasons why the OW/OM would confront the BS. So GB let me ask you, since if I am not mistaken you were in an A once? Correct me if I'm wrong, if the OW had contacted your W to blow your cover wouldn't that make you instantly cut the OW off for good? I personally think that most OW that don't do it it's because they still have "hope""...and somehow they don't want to burn the bridge, sorry that's just my take on it. In hindsight I think it's fair game to blow a person's cover who has mislead two people, the W does have a right to know that while her H is promising certain things to her and lying on wanting to work on the marriage he is also doing just the same to the OW.
GregsBad Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 That's ok GB, because the OW/OM is considered the villian, it's only natural most people's first instinct is to think of the worst reasons why the OW/OM would confront the BS. So GB let me ask you, since if I am not mistaken you were in an A once? Correct me if I'm wrong, if the OW had contacted your W to blow your cover wouldn't that make you instantly cut the OW off for good? I personally think that most OW that don't do it it's because they still have "hope""...and somehow they don't want to burn the bridge, sorry that's just my take on it. In hindsight I think it's fair game to blow a person's cover who has mislead two people, the W does have a right to know that while her H is promising certain things to her and lying on wanting to work on the marriage he is also doing just the same to the OW. Both of us were married, we each told the truth to our spouses, after about two months. I left my spouse to get free for the girl then the girl chickened out and remained married. She continued to assure me that she would do it if I would be patient. I gave up waiting after 6 years. That left me as the OW for all those years. It took therapy and seminars and what not to finally quit. Most difficult thing I've ever done. I don't fault her. I believe that she loved me and still does. I completely understand why she didn't have the heart to leave him and I even agree that it would devastate him, which I finally arrived at a point that I would rather let her go than live with crushing him. I pictured us eventually drug down out of concience for the wrong done to him. Like our future happiness (together) was sort of doomed. I will NEVER tell her H. I wouldn't do that to her. I love her. Look, I fit picture of one who was "misled" as it's so frequently described on this forum. But I still don't feel sorry myself nor for so many posters here - crying about being misled. I feel bad about thier pain and suffering but not about being "victimized" by thier lying (or promise breaking) lovers. We all let it happen to ourselves and we had some larceny in our hearts that got us into the mess to begin with - for allowing ourselves to be "fooled". I was out to steal some guys wife! And so are ALL of the other OW/OM. We'e all thieves OK and were here on this forum chating about "let's go tell the on our lovers". I agree with what you said that some OW/OM keep the secret because there's some hope they'll manage to steal the lover from the spouse. Then after that fails, they're willing to slash and burn for revenge. Or some puke-y show of false righteousness. You said "it's only natural most people's first instinct is to think of the worst reasons why the OW/OM would confront the BS." Well yes, I do still think that. I stlll haven't heard a good reason for the OW/OM to do that. I can only think of reasons that compound the selfishness of an already selfish person (my self included). Yes, the BS deserves to know ... but NOT from the mouth of the OW/OM. Why? And fair game to blow the cover - for being misled? No. I disagree. NOT fair game. IMO - I'ts extremely RARE that the so-called misled OW/OM wasn't a willing participant in being misled, willing to a sufficient degree so they have no place to suddenly get righteous and rat. Nor get vindictive and rat. They were partners in crime. SO - I say quit the affair, IF YOU CAN. But don't rat on your partner in crime, the OTHER crook, the one you love. Try to gain or retain whatever shred of dignity can be salvaged? BTW - to the OP: IMO - This all on topic
Ripples Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Or to get rid of him for good! Hmmm, I guess those OW that tell don't have the nouse/strength to remove him from their lives themselves, they need the Wife's help. Good point.
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I will NEVER tell her H. I wouldn't do that to her. I love her. Look, I fit picture of one who was "misled" as it's so frequently described on this forum. But I still don't feel sorry myself nor for so many posters here - crying about being misled. I feel bad about thier pain and suffering but not about being "victimized" by thier lying (or promise breaking) lovers. We all let it happen to ourselves and we had some larceny in our hearts that got us into the mess to begin with - for allowing ourselves to be "fooled". I was out to steal some guys wife! And so are ALL of the other OW/OM. We'e all thieves OK and were here on this forum chating about "let's go tell the on our lovers". I agree with what you said that some OW/OM keep the secret because there's some hope they'll manage to steal the lover from the spouse. Then after that fails, they're willing to slash and burn for revenge. Or some puke-y show of false righteousness. You said "it's only natural most people's first instinct is to think of the worst reasons why the OW/OM would confront the BS." Well yes, I do still think that. I stlll haven't heard a good reason for the OW/OM to do that. I can only think of reasons that compound the selfishness of an already selfish person (my self included). Yes, the BS deserves to know ... but NOT from the mouth of the OW/OM. Why? And fair game to blow the cover - for being misled? No. I disagree. NOT fair game. IMO - I'ts extremely RARE that the so-called misled OW/OM wasn't a willing participant in being misled, willing to a sufficient degree so they have no place to suddenly get righteous and rat. Nor get vindictive and rat. They were partners in crime. SO - I say quit the affair, IF YOU CAN. But don't rat on your partner in crime, the OTHER crook, the one you love. Try to gain or retain whatever shred of dignity can be salvaged? BTW - to the OP: IMO - This all on topic Wow!! GB. That was a great post!! I especially like the extreme honesty on your REAL motive in it all. Great Post!! I am usually in the minority here in not wanting some OW telling me that my H was with her. I don't think that the OW should tell the W, especially when its clear that the OP hasn't really healed or is out looking for revenge. I find it real interesting when the OP wants to tell the W "for their own good". I doubt it very seriously. Very seriously. I mean, is the OW going to tell about all the times that they helped come up with the excuses to give for why MM was late getting home. Or the times when he needed an excuse to get out of the house? You are right, they are co-conspirators. And I didn't even have to deal with any of this. I just know many real-life OWs and MM (and a couple of MW and OM, too) that I have had to tell to keep me out of their lies. Telling the W "so she will know what kind of man she is married to", is just another form of the lie that was the A. IMHO.
Tomcat33 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I will NEVER tell her H. I wouldn't do that to her. I love her. Look, I fit picture of one who was "misled" as it's so frequently described on this forum. But I still don't feel sorry myself nor for so many posters here - crying about being misled. I feel bad about thier pain and suffering but not about being "victimized" by thier lying (or promise breaking) lovers. We all let it happen to ourselves and we had some larceny in our hearts that got us into the mess to begin with - for allowing ourselves to be "fooled". I was out to steal some guys wife! And so are ALL of the other OW/OM. We'e all thieves OK and were here on this forum chating about "let's go tell the on our lovers". I agree with what you said that some OW/OM keep the secret because there's some hope they'll manage to steal the lover from the spouse. Then after that fails, they're willing to slash and burn for revenge. Or some puke-y show of false righteousness. You said "it's only natural most people's first instinct is to think of the worst reasons why the OW/OM would confront the BS." Well yes, I do still think that. I stlll haven't heard a good reason for the OW/OM to do that. I can only think of reasons that compound the selfishness of an already selfish person (my self included). Yes, the BS deserves to know ... but NOT from the mouth of the OW/OM. Why? And fair game to blow the cover - for being misled? No. I disagree. NOT fair game. IMO - I'ts extremely RARE that the so-called misled OW/OM wasn't a willing participant in being misled, willing to a sufficient degree so they have no place to suddenly get righteous and rat. Nor get vindictive and rat. They were partners in crime. SO - I say quit the affair, IF YOU CAN. But don't rat on your partner in crime, the OTHER crook, the one you love. Try to gain or retain whatever shred of dignity can be salvaged? BTW - to the OP: IMO - This all on topic GB thanks for answering my questions: By the way are you a man or a W? I've noticed you have written that you were the OW an have seen this before as well...is that a typo every time or are you involved in a lesbian rel? Every situation is different. In your parcticular case you feel you were out to steal someone's spouse and therefore don't feel you should feel bad about being mislead I respect your feelings. If I had been having and A with someone for 6yrs I would prob feel the same. But I don't share that sentiment. I can only speak for myself but my "A" if you can even call it that because he hid the fact we were together from his W but not from the rest of the world so our rel was lived out in the open as any normal rel is lived (no sneaking no hiding no spending nights alone while he slept in her bed, if he wasn't with me he was in his own apt and we would talk until the wee hours of the night when we were apart). So the whole thing from the day we met to the day we broke off lasted a whole of 10 months not including the last months of NC and when he came to see me and I contacted his W. From the moment we met, he moved out of his house 4 months after we met (two of those months we were in no contact mode) then started dating approx two months after he moved out and was living on his own. I was never out to "steal" anyone's spouse, he moved out because he assured me he had to (now I am sure he would not have done so if I he had not met me but at the time he was very convincing that it HAD to happen) . The fact that I was the catalyst that pushed this man to mobilize himself physically and emotionally out of his marriage is something I am well aware of and I fully accept. But that I was set out to "steal" someone's husband, I never will accept because that would imply I convinced him to leave his W and seduced him with the intention of doing so. There was none of that. He promised me things that he was not able to live up and I was mislead. he met my family and I met his, he got me extravant gifts, eve got me a promise ring, there were a lot of things that were done that should not have been done on both parts that he was not in any shape or form ready to commit to (now looking back WOW what were we thinking...the guy WAS still married) but he assured me his M was a seperate issue to our rel. There are a TON of people who have been seperated and not divorced living on their own for 3, 4, 7 yrs (in seperated limbo and have no intention of going back) So I tried to go long with the idea that he had to do what he had to on the side to end his marriage and should not affect me, well WRONG. It did affect me and even though in practice the idea that we were not having and "actual" affair was true, I still felt very wrong in forming a rel with someone who still had all this unfinished "business". Anyway perhaps my situation doesn't quite fit the same situation a most A are in. But posting on a board like this is the closest I could think of that the time because afterall there was still another woman in the picture, his W. I feel it was fair game to blow his cover when I did because enough is enough. I have to live with that decision and I feel it was the right one. I have 0 intention of ever being with this man again so I wanted to close the door on it for good. Ripples: Hmmm, I guess those OW that tell don't have the nouse/strength to remove him from their lives themselves, they need the Wife's help. Good point I had all the strenght in the world to do what it took to remove this man from my life once I was determined to end it with him. He continued to contact me even after I cut all contact with him. He showed up at my house and left me a package with a few things of mine that he had with a very nasty note as he put it "just to get my attention to get me to return his calls" This is AFTER he had moved back home to be with his W. He called me from his apt to see me, even though he had already been living at home with his W for just over a month and a half (still not sure why he still kept the apt!?!?) And even after I contacted his W he still continued to contact me through his fake profile online. Short of calling the police, I think calling the W was the best thing I could have done to ensure he left me alone. Look his W knew about him, about all his lies about how wrong he went about things. I didn't give her anything else to work with other than what she wasn't already aware of well I did give her new information she had no idea he was still doing all of what I just described. He's a liar and he plays people and even though he promised to work things out with his W he was still lying to her. and ME. I'm not going to sit there and take that, that's just how I am. At the end of the day you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. I look and see me again, someone I had not seen for almost a year...
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 TC I have a huge problem with trying to see you as OW. You are right that your sitch may not fit the A standard. LOL. You were dating him out in the open. His family knew about you, but his W probably didn't right away as no one in their RIGHT MIND is going to be the one bearing THAT bad news. This guy was trying to figure out what was best for him and having a little fun while he decided. I would want him out of my life too.
Tomcat33 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Well thank you NID. I appreciate you seeing past the typical perception that comes along with trying to explain this type of situation. My situation perhaps is not the "typical" one here and I find it hard to fit in exactly because there were some elements to it being an A and in other aspects it didn't fit the A scheme at all. I am sort of caught in between. BUT a lot of the advice give on LS was still extremely useful to me regardless, and I tried to adapt to my sit. the best I could. I agree with your assesment that he was trying to sort things out while having fun, that is exactly how I see it now and why I feel so used and betrayed. I was SO foolish to think he would sort out his personal stuff and be able to keep up his end of the bargain with me. In the end he had some excitement but when push came to shove he got cold feet to go all the way... There is much more that I cannot get into because I don't wish to reveal more aspects of my situation here publicly, as some of you may already know from my past posts, I met this man through a work project. Well let's just say that because of this "project" our rel was quite public and his W must have known about us well before she found out we were dating and this is why I think she just didn't want to see what was going on and I could NOT understand why he wouldn't sit down with her and tell her about us...
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Before we get too far off-topic, I would like to bring this discussion back to the opening position of this thread started by myself, as a betrayed spouse. The opening position is that the OW/OM should tell the BW/BH for the purposes of allowing them to get checked for STDs. While everyone may want to believe it's only a one on two situation, many times, unbeknownst to the two it can be a one on many situation. The balance of the reasons of who is responsible for the affair, the conditions for why the OW/OM would tell such as revenge or otherwise, are incidentals within this discussion. This is a discussion about disease transmission and a societal obligation to stem the outbreak. -edit: Btw, I am also guilty of off-topic comments so please don't feel that I am pointing any fingers.
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Trial, I haven't really read the whole thread yet, but I will. But I have to ask. Do you really think that the OP would tell the BS in the event of an STD? I don't. I think that would just be what the OP would think is just one more feather in their hat to get the MP to leave the M and be with them. Most STDs are curable. Most people think the worst of people that give them STDs after the initial embarrassment of having gotten one wears off. I remember a couple of years ago, at least 10, during the height of the US awareness of HIV campaigns. This woman was given HIV by her H and his lover. She found out during an annual exam and confronted him about his cheating. She dumped him, and he ran to the OW that gave him HIV. His W died, probably because she was so emotionally distraught over the betrayal and that led to decreased resistance to the illness, but he and the OW lived "happily ever after". Long of the short, I don't think most OPs would even tell the MP that they had an STD to be worried about giving to the BS because they would hope that after the BS found out, they would know the MP was cheating and then dump them. In the end, to me, it is still about getting MP to leave the M - not about truth telling.
Tomcat33 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Trial - I apologize for going "off-topic-ish" LOL I was going along with therrest of discussions that trailled off into the whole telling for emotional reasons. I actually just realised the original post was about STD's mainly, not sure how I missed that.....!?!? sorry this has actually been waaay off topic but it was not done intentionallly.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 HIV and certain strains of Gonorrhea are not curable. It only takes one indiscreet moment to transmit it. Let me ask you this question. Do you feel that curable diseases are more damaging if left to fester or do you feel the sooner they are discovered, the sooner they can be addressed? I'll throw out syphilis, as an example.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Don't worry about it TC. As if I haven't gotten off-topic, a time or two. I just wanted to steer it back to the topic. No big deal for anyone.
GregsBad Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Before we get too far off-topic, I would like to bring this discussion back to the opening position of this thread started by myself, as a betrayed spouse. The opening position is that the OW/OM should tell the BW/BH for the purposes of allowing them to get checked for STDs. While everyone may want to believe it's only a one on two situation, many times, unbeknownst to the two it can be a one on many situation. The balance of the reasons of who is responsible for the affair, the conditions for why the OW/OM would tell such as revenge or otherwise, are incidentals within this discussion. This is a discussion about disease transmission and a societal obligation to stem the outbreak. -edit: Btw, I am also guilty of off-topic comments so please don't feel that I am pointing any fingers. I disagree that these are off topic. My understanding of your topic is that OW/OM should tell the BS because of the dangers of STDs. You're getting replies that explain why that would NOT be sufficient motivation for some. And why some, who told, had an entirley differnt motivation - other than the STD issue. The replies are complex, But I think they're answering your question. I think that the fear of transmitting STD and concern for the health of the BS ??? No. I DON'T think many will tell the betrayed spouse because of what you suggest. They'll have other reasons if they do.
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 HIV and certain strains of Gonorrhea are not curable. It only takes one indiscreet moment to transmit it. Let me ask you this question. Do you feel that curable diseases are more damaging if left to fester or do you feel the sooner they are discovered, the sooner they can be addressed? I'll throw out syphilis, as an example. I think that any disease left untreated is damaging. Curable or not. What you are missing is that the OP wants the BS to find out via an examination (cowards to the end) so that the cheating MP will be dumped. I get what you are saying, but you are not considering at all what I am saying. My point as nothing to do about the curability of a disease, if you can forgive me for making up a word. Its still about motive. Motive. And the end outcome. Is it so hard to believe that even in the case of an STD, no one would tell the BS anyway? If they cared about the health of the BS, they wouldn't be busy spreading all those nasties.
Tomcat33 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Don't worry about it TC. As if I haven't gotten off-topic, a time or two. I just wanted to steer it back to the topic. No big deal for anyone. Well thank you for the friendly nudge (oh and how CUTE is that kitten on the dustpan. been meaning to comment on that for quite some time now!!!) Now that I think about the question in real depth it is quite the dilemma. In actuality I was more afraid of what I could have got from this man and his W (she was out of the country often for extended periods of time) than what I could have given him/her. I know exactly where I have been but really have no clue at all about them... In the event that the A stops and the person goes back to the marriage and refuses to speak about it with the BS then it could be the OP's duty to inform the BS, yes but there is always too much vested interest on the OP's part in order for a confrontation to happen with the sole intent of "helping out the BS" Wow I am literally stumped here...tough question really!! But I can say this much if the guy is a serial cheater then all it would take is one person coming clean and telling the BS in order for her to find out and that should be enough for her to take action. Actually in the event of and OP finding out the person they were with was a serial cheater I think they SHOULD tell the BS, they are doing a good thing and besides they have no more intentions in being with a serial cheater so why not? by the way NID that story about the HIV case from 10yrs ago was absolutely disturbing!!! And yes some of those symptomless STDs left untreated can cause severe problems even infertility etc.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 I think that any disease left untreated is damaging. Curable or not. What you are missing is that the OP wants the BS to find out via an examination (cowards to the end) so that the cheating MP will be dumped. I get what you are saying, but you are not considering at all what I am saying. My point as nothing to do about the curability of a disease, if you can forgive me for making up a word. Its still about motive. Motive. And the end outcome. Is it so hard to believe that even in the case of an STD, no one would tell the BS anyway? If they cared about the health of the BS, they wouldn't be busy spreading all those nasties. My question to you is: Do you feel that motive supercedes health risk?
GregsBad Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Trial, Look, you're a BS - either asking us OW/OM how we think - or trying to get us to see how YOU think - or trying to motivate us to do the right thing. Well we DO see how you think. We're telling you how we think You're suggested motive: Protect the BS from STD- It SHOULD be powerful but it's WEAK It won't change much! All in my opinion.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Trial, Look, you're a BS - either asking us OW/OM how we think - or trying to get us to see how YOU think - or trying to motivate us to do the right thing. Well we DO see how you think. We're telling you how we think You're suggested motive: Protect the BS from STD- It SHOULD be powerful but it's WEAK It won't change much! All in my opinion. Who says anything about protecting the BS from STDs? I'm talking about stemming the continuance of an STD infection. Do you not feel that everyone has a societal obligation to do this?
NoIDidn't Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 My question to you is: Do you feel that motive supercedes health risk? You can stick to this point all you want and it doesn't change the fact that motive determines what a person will or won't do. I came to this site a BS, but reality dictates that people will do what gets them the best return. So, yes, a person's motive supercedes any care about the health risk to the spouse. Heck, cheating spouses aren't even THINKING about their spouses when it comes down to the act. So why would they all of a sudden gain some moral fiber and be concerned about your health? Can you answer THAT question? Or is your mind closed to the possibility that selfish people are not going to become unselfish just to inform you about an STD?
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 You can stick to this point all you want and it doesn't change the fact that motive determines what a person will or won't do. I came to this site a BS, but reality dictates that people will do what gets them the best return. So, yes, a person's motive supercedes any care about the health risk to the spouse. Heck, cheating spouses aren't even THINKING about their spouses when it comes down to the act. So why would they all of a sudden gain some moral fiber and be concerned about your health? Can you answer THAT question? Or is your mind closed to the possibility that selfish people are not going to become unselfish just to inform you about an STD? Firstly NID, I have yet to meet an altruistic person. Very few MM/MW will tell of their cheating, although some do. It's all part of the game. The OW/OM are in a unique position to tell, for whatever their motivation might be. Some tell for revenge, others tell to get rid of their MM/MW and lastly some tell with the hopes that they can push the MM/MW to commit to the final step of leaving their unsatisfactory marriage. Add in a societal obligation to stem the tide of STDs and maybe motivation to tell might become a little stronger. For those that might be on the verge of exiting an affair, maybe this might give them one more reason to do so, along with their existing reasons.
GregsBad Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Who says anything about protecting the BS from STDs? I'm talking about stemming the continuance of an STD infection. Do you not feel that everyone has a societal obligation to do this? Who did? YOU did. Go back and read you're opening post silly
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Who did? YOU did. Go back and read you're opening post silly The following is my opening post. Where do you see protecting the BW/BH? I see it as affording him/her the opportunity of getting checked for STDs. If they test positive, they can get treated and stop any further infection. Part of the BH/BWs action would be to ensure the MM/MW also gets tested for same, once again stemming further infection. In a different thread, it made me consider the potential impact of not telling the wife. Not all cheaters, but some if not many are serial, whether the OW/OM is aware of this. If you keep your affair a secret, how will she/he ever know to have herself/himself checked out for potentially life-threatening diseases? I guess the question would be, do you care enough to consider this aspect of an affair, nevermind the emotional impacts? While the OW in my situation didn't tell, within 24 hours of finding out about my ex-husband's infidelity, I went and got checked out. Thanks to luck, I was clean. Food for thought, for people involved in affairs, whether you're the MM/MW or the OW/OM in question.
crazy_grl Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I don't understand the argument that a BS wouldn't want to be told by the OW/OM or that it's not an OW/OM's place to tell. If you were a BS, would it really matter who told you? If your SO was a serial cheater and the next OW/OM they had in their sights had HIV, wouldn't you want somebody to tell you before they had unprotected sex with the OW/OM and then with you? Would it matter where the info came from if it kept you from getting HIV? Who would you prefer to tell you about the A? Of course, the best person would be your spouse, but that's not very likely to happen. If a friend told you, isn't there a good chance that your reaction might be to shoot the messenger? "How long have you known? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Not only would you have a ruined marriage but a ruined friendship. It seems to me like the best person to hear it from is actually the OW/OM. You're already going to dislike/hate them for sleeping with your SO anyway... But don't rat on your partner in crime, the OTHER crook, the one you love. Try to gain or retain whatever shred of dignity can be salvaged? That doesn't make much sense. Not coming clean because you're also guilty seems very cowardly. Since you used the word "crook", lets look at it this way. A friend of yours robbed someone and beat them up enough to put them in a hospital. You helped by holding a gun on them. Should you just stay quiet about the whole thing? Is it wrong to rat out your friend because you were a part of it? Now if someone beat you up, would you want his accomplice to come clean or to cowardly protect his friend, the other crook. Of course you're not going to like the accomplice. He held a gun on you while someone beat the cr*p out of you. But wouldn't you be relieved that the guy who beat you up was caught? Or would you be angry at the accomplice because it wasn't his place to tell? And no offense to GregsBad, but it sounds like you're not telling because you're still holding out hope that you can get her back.
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