Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 I agree that the W should know. I just don't think the OW has the W's best interested in mind when they tell. The OW obviously doesn't care about the W when she is having sex with the W's husband, so why the concern for her well being any other time? Just like the MM uses his kids as an excuse to not leave his wife, the OW uses telling the W as an excuse to get back at the MM. JMO. No doubt that people rarely do anything for completely altruistic reasons but it's worth the ability for the betrayed spouse to make educated decisions. Some betrayed spouses will fight back to salvage their relationship and others will make the choice to dispose of the offender. No matter which choice, it's worth it to have the knowledge so they can at minimum, get checked for STDs. There are enough serial cheaters out there.
herenow Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 No doubt that people rarely do anything for completely altruistic reasons but it's worth the ability for the betrayed spouse to make educated decisions. Some betrayed spouses will fight back to salvage their relationship and others will make the choice to dispose of the offender. No matter which choice, it's worth it to have the knowledge so they can at minimum, get checked for STDs. There are enough serial cheaters out there. Yes, the W does get some benefit from knowing that her H has been with an OW (or maybe more as you say). It's always a health risk when you don't know your own sexual history. I'm sure the OW would want to know if the W was having an affair, and the OW has been unknowingly exposed to an STD. There may even be OW that think the W owes it to the OW to tell the truth. Double standards are common in affairs. Wives are held to a level of honesty that the MM and OW don't have to adhere to.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Yes, the W does get some benefit from knowing that her H has been with an OW (or maybe more as you say). It's always a health risk when you don't know your own sexual history. I'm sure the OW would want to know if the W was having an affair, and the OW has been unknowingly exposed to an STD. There may even be OW that think the W owes it to the OW to tell the truth. Double standards are common in affairs. Wives are held to a level of honesty that the MM and OW don't have to adhere to. Ah HN, I wouldn't have it any other way. Unfair as it may seem, what defines you as a person? Ya' know what I mean?
herenow Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Ah HN, I wouldn't have it any other way. Unfair as it may seem, what defines you as a person? Ya' know what I mean? Absolutely TBF.
Meaplus3 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I agree that the W should know. I just don't think the OW has the W's best interested in mind when they tell. The OW obviously doesn't care about the W when she is having sex with the W's husband, so why the concern for her well being any other time? Just like the MM uses his kids as an excuse to not leave his wife, the OW uses telling the W as an excuse to get back at the MM. JMO. "I just don't think the OW has the W's best interested in mind when they tell." I like this line Herenow and it's one of the main reason's I have not told MM's wife a thing about the EA. Honestly if I was to tell her, it would be to get him in so much trouble, and to let her know that he desired me. Both of these thought's are hurtful and really she did not hurt me it was him who managed to do that. Besides was I thinking about her feeling's while in the ea? not one bit. I was selfish just like mm. AP:)
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 "I just don't think the OW has the W's best interested in mind when they tell." I like this line Herenow and it's one of the main reason's I have not told MM's wife a thing about the EA. Honestly if I was to tell her, it would be to get him in so much trouble, and to let her know that he desired me. Both of these thought's are hurtful and really she did not hurt me it was him who managed to do that. Besides was I thinking about her feeling's while in the ea? not one bit. I was selfish just like mm. AP:) Another way of looking at it is, if your husband did the same to you, would you want to know? Do you not want give her the ability to make an educated decision? Are you not helping to perpetuate the abuser/victim cycle by not breaking it? Food for thought.
Meaplus3 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Another way of looking at it is, if your husband did the same to you, would you want to know? Do you not want give her the ability to make an educated decision? Are you not helping to perpetuate the abuser/victim cycle by not breaking it? Food for thought. As far as giving her a decision to look at the marriage and what this MM is like? What good would that do? So he had an ea with me, I tell her, she get's mad at him, he down play's the whole thing, and all is just fine until the next one comes' along, perhap's it will be a PA and he will be caught in the act. I sort of have a gut feeling that she know's he develop's close "R"'s with OW, but stick's it out with him for whatever reason. MM's W has low sef esteem, this I know for a fact. AP:)
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 As far as giving her a decision to look at the marriage and what this MM is like? What good would that do? So he had an ea with me, I tell her, she get's mad at him, he down play's the whole thing, and all is just fine until the next one comes' along, perhap's it will be a PA and he will be caught in the act. I sort of have a gut feeling that she know's he develop's close "R"'s with OW, but stick's it out with him for whatever reason. MM's W has low sef esteem, this I know for a fact. AP:) Isn't that playing God in some ways, that once again, you're making a decision for her? Do you know for fact that it will unfold this way or are you assuming, so you can escape the fallout?
Tomcat33 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 No doubt that people rarely do anything for completely altruistic reasons but it's worth the ability for the betrayed spouse to make educated decisions. Some betrayed spouses will fight back to salvage their relationship and others will make the choice to dispose of the offender. No matter which choice, it's worth it to have the knowledge so they can at minimum, get checked for STDs. There are enough serial cheaters out there. From my personal experience, I did not know the guy was lying to his W to be with me AFTER she found out about us dating and he supposedly ended their rel for good and they were going to start talking D. At that point he was living alone, he was supposedly no longer hiding the fact that we were together and was "100% sure" he was not going to go back to his M. Well after time passed and we broke up and he needed time to himself to be alone, I had even less knowledge that he was trying to work things out with his W, I knew she was in the picture I knew she was threatening to take him for everything I also knew she wanted him back but he had been so adamant about it being over with her a) we were not in contact for a few months with the exception of an MSN conversation closer to the breakup but beyond that I wouldn't return his emails/calls b) it never even crossed my mind he would be back with her I thought he was sorting his stuff out. While I'll admit at the point I told his W I had MY best interest in mind, I wanted him out of my life for good I also did have her best interest, she needed to know who she was dealing with. Up until that point I thought he was different and so why should I protect him once I found out what he was all about there was no more friendship between he and I once I realised what a weasle he was. I could have walked away from it and let him keep contacting me let him continue with the games behind his W/back but why allow that? At that point I realised it was not about him leaving one bad relationshiop to start another, it was about him wanting two rels at the same time and liking the sneaking around. I will not lend myself to that and never have so why start now? That's why I called her, she needed to know. My conscience is clear that I did the right thing, I actually felt sorry for her that he had wrapped her up in his lies so far along basically the same thing he did to me, I felt sorry for both or us really...she and I. He is a pathological liar and she needed to know. I know I would want to know had I been in her shoes. If I wanted him back I can understand the argument about why bother unless you have an ulterior motive, but I didn't. I never wanted to see him again. Sometimes you just have to be in the situation to understand what motivates us. When I had faith in him and his words, my motives were to go along with what he told me, what I trusted. When I found out he was also lying to me it was then that I had to what it ever it took to set it right. As a BS I know the BS will always look at it like "well why bother now?" The answer is simple, because until I was able to see what he was really made of I couldn't go against him because I believed him for who he pretended to be infront of my eyes. Who he really was was who I later found. I no longer feel inlove with him I no longer feel like I loved "him" I miss the idea of who I thought he was but not who he turned out to be. On that same token if he called me up months down the road to tell me he was finally free and available I wouldn't want him even if you paid me.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Once again TC, for whatever the complete reason is, at least you can walk away from this situation knowing you were true to yourself. Untruths can germinate and fester like shrapnel in old wounds.
Tomcat33 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Once again TC, for whatever the complete reason is, at least you can walk away from this situation knowing you were true to yourself. Untruths can germinate and fester like shrapnel in old wounds. I totally agree TBF! If there is one thing I can say for sure is I have learned a LOT from this experience, and just because I was weak in character at a given point and succumbed to my own pitfall it doesn't mean I am not prepared to take my new found knowledge and become a better person for it. The way I see it is that was the first step toward the new and improved me.
Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Isn't that playing God in some ways, that once again, you're making a decision for her? Do you know for fact that it will unfold this way or are you assuming, so you can escape the fallout? Well since this mm has mastered the art of manipulation I am pretty darn sure he would do anything to convince her that he had NO feeling's for me. As far as the fall out? I'm not afraid of her, I just don't think creating another "Mess" so to speak is the way to go. AP:)
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Well since this mm has mastered the art of manipulation I am pretty darn sure he would do anything to convince her that he had NO feeling's for me. As far as the fall out? I'm not afraid of her, I just don't think creating another "Mess" so to speak is the way to go. AP:) No doubt that he will try. Maybe she might believe him for the short-term, maybe she'll pretend to believe him for the short-term and then proceed to bridge off of him to find a new life. Regardless, do you honestly feel that it's up to you to decide what she does or do you feel that she has a right to make this decision on her own?
Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 No doubt that he will try. Maybe she might believe him for the short-term, maybe she'll pretend to believe him for the short-term and then proceed to bridge off of him to find a new life. Regardless, do you honestly feel that it's up to you to decide what she does or do you feel that she has a right to make this decision on her own? Trial, Honestly this whole telling thing really makes me flip flop! On one hand what if he is having Pa's with OW's? Well that could be a health risk to the W and yeah I think she would need to know. Perhap's I was the only ea he had? Who know's? I will never know what he does with OW, because if he can lie and manipulate his W then he can lie to me. I think in my case it's better to keep my mouth shut and mabey one day the poor woman will wake up to the fact the she is not married to the man she thought she was. AP:)
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Trial, Honestly this whole telling thing really makes me flip flop! On one hand what if he is having Pa's with OW's? Well that could be a health risk to the W and yeah I think she would need to know. Perhap's I was the only ea he had? Who know's? I will never know what he does with OW, because if he can lie and manipulate his W then he can lie to me. I think in my case it's better to keep my mouth shut and mabey one day the poor woman will wake up to the fact the she is not married to the man she thought she was. AP:) Each person has to make that decision on their own about how they want to live their lives. Perhaps she will find out, maybe she'll just wake up one day not feeling well, getting tested, and ending up to be STD positive. Who knows. I truly hope she finds out sooner than later.
Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Each person has to make that decision on their own about how they want to live their lives. Perhaps she will find out, maybe she'll just wake up one day not feeling well, getting tested, and ending up to be STD positive. Who knows. I truly hope she finds out sooner than later. Tom, IMO she will find out somehow. I would hope for her sake that it's not an STD, that would suck! However I still think if the W found out that MM had sex with another it would really upset her, but finding out about an Emotional affair, that would be devestateing. I mean for a woman to know that that an OW won her H's heart? That must be the worst! AP
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Tom, IMO she will find out somehow. I would hope for her sake that it's not an STD, that would suck! However I still think if the W found out that MM had sex with another it would really upset her, but finding out about an Emotional affair, that would be devestateing. I mean for a woman to know that that an OW won her H's heart? That must be the worst! AP I think that varies from person to person. An emotional affair isn't always about the heart just like a physical affair isn't always about sex.
Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I think that varies from person to person. An emotional affair isn't always about the heart just like a physical affair isn't always about sex. Trial, Could you explain this a little more? AP:)
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Trial, Could you explain this a little more? AP:) Sure, no probs. An MM/MW can have an emotional affair which doesn't affect the heart at all. It's more an ego stroke, that someone is interested. In a physical affair, while sex maybe a factor, it's not necessarily the priority. The priority once again, is an ego-stroke. Not every MM/MW falls in love with their OW/OM, regardless of what is actually said. As we are all aware, many MM/MWs deserve the title of liar extraordinaire.
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Not every MM/MW falls in love with their OW/OM, regardless of what is actually said. As we are all aware, many MM/MWs deserve the title of liar extraordinaire. WOW I couldn't agree with that statement more!!! I think that while the in-love feeling might very well be true or a sincere emotion true love does not entail hurting the one you care about (on either side for that matter) by lying to them. Therefore they may "feel in love" but they don't love.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 WOW I couldn't agree with that statement more!!! I think that while the in-love feeling might very well be true or a sincere emotion true love does not entail hurting the one you care about (on either side for that matter) by lying to them. Therefore they may "feel in love" but they don't love. Bolded and quoted as truth...
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Bolded and quoted as truth... sighhhhhh....it is a rude awakening indeed, an awekening nonetheless....
Ripples Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 The more I consider this, the less I believe the OW wants to help the Wife in anyway by telling her. She's hoping the Wife will kick her H out, into the OW arms, or she wants the MM to suffer, or she wants the Wife to know she had the MM as a little demonstration of superiority after rejection. "He chose me, me, me."
GregsBad Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 The more I consider this, the less I believe the OW wants to help the Wife in anyway by telling her. She's hoping the Wife will kick her H out, into the OW arms, or she wants the MM to suffer, or she wants the Wife to know she had the MM as a little demonstration of superiority after rejection. "He chose me, me, me." Me too ... I agree. I think the OP here is understandably lobbying for the best interests of future betrayed women. TrialByFire is making a noble effort to stem the tide. But I think most of the current (and future) OWs are NOT going to tell the betrayed spouses anything at all - at least not until there's some good ol' revenge in it, or some chance it'll accelerate OW's quest to win the MM for herself.
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Me too ... I agree. I think the OP here is understandably lobbying for the best interests of future betrayed women. TrialByFire is making a noble effort to stem the tide. But I think most of the current (and future) OWs are NOT going to tell the betrayed spouses anything at all - at least not until there's some good ol' revenge in it, or some chance it'll accelerate OW's quest to win the MM for herself. Or to get rid of him for good!
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