sadbuttrue Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 i thought it was strange that MM never really considered wearing protection with me. i thought about his W, and although i knew i didnt have anything, i would have expected him to ask about my sexual history. i knew he had been with her for 12 or more years, and i do not believe he has ever cheated on her before now. he knew very little about how many partners i had.
law1973 Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I am a firm believer, if you don't want anyone to know, don't do it. I called my daughters fathers wife. Once I actually found out he was married after like two years. I was pregnant, and I sooo called her to talk, and for one apologize to let her know, "hey im no tramp" I did not know your husband was acutally a husband.. This woman totally whimped out and said, that is between you two, OMG. I knew right then he was with the right woman, oh yea, I could not be her, but atleast I told her, and im not with him, but I do get my child support on time everymonth. If course my being in the legal fied doesn't hurt.
outofdarkness Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 In a different thread, it made me consider the potential impact of not telling the wife. Not all cheaters, but some if not many are serial, whether the OW/OM is aware of this. If you keep your affair a secret, how will she/he ever know to have herself/himself checked out for potentially life-threatening diseases? I guess the question would be, do you care enough to consider this aspect of an affair, nevermind the emotional impacts? While the OW in my situation didn't tell, within 24 hours of finding out about my ex-husband's infidelity, I went and got checked out. Thanks to luck, I was clean. Food for thought, for people involved in affairs, whether you're the MM/MW or the OW/OM in question. I was just thinking about this tonight as a matter of fact. I was specifically thinking about all of the physical ailments throughout the years that were "explained away" by my H as well as physicians..For the most part, these turned out to be related to my H's serial cheating.BUT he is so well connected and respected in our community, that noone believed it. It really IS a matter of life or these days to have a S who cheats and noone has the guts to out him...It's so dangerous to the entire family..JMHO
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 I was just thinking about this tonight as a matter of fact. I was specifically thinking about all of the physical ailments throughout the years that were "explained away" by my H as well as physicians..For the most part, these turned out to be related to my H's serial cheating.BUT he is so well connected and respected in our community, that noone believed it. It really IS a matter of life or these days to have a S who cheats and noone has the guts to out him...It's so dangerous to the entire family..JMHO It is dangerous to everyone. For me, the worse part is that I had to go back three months later for a conclusive HIV test. Once again I was okay, but it added to the turmoil.
Scott_W Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 TrialByFire, If there's anything I've learned in this forum and in my own experience it is that the OWs and the OMs that come here are way beyond making a decsion to expose their lovers and themselves to the the lovers spouse without some overwhelming motivation - much bigger than any concern for the spouses health. I know you were hurt and that you would very much like to make some change to the whole cheating world out there. I agree that the BS is at increased risk of an STD. But as a motive to do "the right thing"? - It's like a baby's fart in a thunderstorm. I just think that you'll never actually convince a cheating man or woman to do what you're suggesting, out of concern for the health of the BS. You might "scare" one of the cheaters for the night, or make one of them sleep a little more fitful tonight. But come tomorrow morning, none of them are going to make a call to the BS and say "We need to talk".
Melovator Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I had never had to go and get tested for an STD before I found out my partner (ex? lover, whatever) was sleeping with someone else, because I have never slept with anyone else, and he was irresponsible enough to have unprotected sex with a woman who I know has slept with at least two other men in the last two months. I can't say I'd never expected that anything like this could ever happen- together since teenagers, each other's first sexual partners so I'd always asked that 1) he use protection 2) he not sleep with anyone I actually knew 3) I not be publicly humilated 4) That he talk to me about it and 5) he not do it in my bed. I got number three and five at least (or at least I hope so), but after many years of sexual fidelity and a baby (though not married and I've never considered sexual fidelity to be the be all and end all of a relationship) I'd really have expected number One. In my workplace I hear of this all the time from women of all ages, who ahve got something because their husbands/ partners/ boyfriends (and I work with women hence my gender terms) didn't use protection and slept with someone else. I don't have anything, so I consider myself lucky, but if you're not thinking of the BS then think of yourself because if they're doing it with you, who else are they doing it with? You just can't know, even when you'd really like to think you do.
Ripples Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 No OW can be sure that their man is having extra-marital sex with only them and if they're not prepared to cease having sex with the MM, they need to be prepared for the consequences. Hopefully they won't amount to more than being ridiculed for being irresponsible and helping to play Russian roulette with his wife's life, but the consequences could be far, far worse. The assumption is that the OW always KNOWS he is married...that's not always the case... And as soon as she does know, that's where she needs to get out of the relationship. That is provided she is mature enough to recognise that their lurrrvveee amounts to no more than a five minute bj on his way back home from work. I can totally understand how ones emotions can make it really hard to do the right thing, by anyone. But no OW can really go bleating that they didn't know he was married at first, so it justifies them staying in the relationship.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 I think many OW/OM romanticize the "do anything for love" nonsense when it's a lot more about justifying personal actions and avoiding responsibility. Looking at the OW that have told, there is a self-redemption in telling. It allows the person to begin anew and hopefully continue down the path of more healthy relationships. The more you keep within you, the more it will erode you. This is common knowledge and the base premise for why people seek professional help.
Kenzo Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I think many OW/OM romanticize the "do anything for love" nonsense when it's a lot more about justifying personal actions and avoiding responsibility. Looking at the OW that have told, there is a self-redemption in telling. It allows the person to begin anew and hopefully continue down the path of more healthy relationships. The more you keep within you, the more it will erode you. This is common knowledge and the base premise for why people seek professional help. Do you really think that it's a good idea to tell the BS, I mean doesn't it do more harm to the family unit? Shouldn't the OW realize the "R" has run it's course and just step out of the picture? I go back and forth between wanting to tell his W, and then not...I only want to when I am mad at him and that is the wrong reason, to only want to hurt him when he hurts me? The only motivation I have for wanting to tell is so he'll feel as miserable as I do sometimes...I don't want to be that person, so I ignore the little devil on my shoulder telling me to make that phone call.
serial muse Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Do you really think that it's a good idea to tell the BS, I mean doesn't it do more harm to the family unit? Shouldn't the OW realize the "R" has run it's course and just step out of the picture? I go back and forth between wanting to tell his W, and then not...I only want to when I am mad at him and that is the wrong reason, to only want to hurt him when he hurts me? The only motivation I have for wanting to tell is so he'll feel as miserable as I do sometimes...I don't want to be that person, so I ignore the little devil on my shoulder telling me to make that phone call. I know that there are many many different opinions on this, but I'll say this - feeling that distance and alienation and coldness coming from my spouse and not understanding its true source was one of the most painful periods of my entire life. He would not tell me anything, there were so many possible causes (there was a lot going on in our lives at the time) and I have never felt so lost, so at sea, so desperate for answers in my life. So when I finally, finally knew the truth, as horrible and painful and devastating as it was - and it definitely was - I also felt freed. He had been gaslighting me for so long, and that discovery (I found out on my own) felt like a bright ray of understanding just pierced through all the grey fog and dissipated it. It was sharp and brought pain, but it also brought clarity. For me, that clarity was entirely worth it. So that's one betrayed spouse's story, for what it's worth. YMMV, I suppose. But it was true for me, and I'm quite sure I'm not the only one.
herenow Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 That's pretty much what I was thinking. Shouldn't the BS be told that they're at a much greater risk for STDs than what they thought they were. That way they can at least protect themself (start using condoms, divorce, or whatever they decided) before they contract a disease instead of being left to find out at an annual exam that they've got HIV. The last thing the two people involved in affair are thinking about is the well being of the BS. That's why is so unbelievable when an OW says that they tell the BW because they feel some sort of obligation to do what's best for the BW. Finding out may be what is best for the BW, that I can't imagine that the OW does anything beneficial for the BW at any point in time.
serial muse Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 The last thing the two people involved in affair are thinking about is the well being of the BS. That's why is so unbelievable when an OW says that they tell the BW because they feel some sort of obligation to do what's best for the BW. Finding out may be what is best for the BW, that I can't imagine that the OW does anything beneficial for the BW at any point in time. True...and actually it's also true when the OW/OM says they won't tell for the benefit of the BS, so she'll have peace of mind, or something. I'm sorry to say that neither can possibly ring true, because the reality is that BS has simply never been the priority in the affair, and there's no reason s/he would suddenly become one now. Admittedly, it does frustrate me when MM/MW and OW/OM get a bit high-and-mighty about "what's best for the BS" after the fact, either way, because it's pretty much impossible not to sound disingenuous. The time to think of those things, if one is going to, is before the affair starts. Bringing it up after the barn doors are opened and the horses have already escaped just sounds like justification. That's the honest truth, I'm afraid.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I agree with you both, neither OM/OW consider telling the BS while the affair is good and going strong. They only want to spill the beans once the affair ends or gets too painful to manage.
herenow Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I agree with you both, neither OM/OW consider telling the BS while the affair is good and going strong. They only want to spill the beans once the affair ends or gets too painful to manage. "spill the beans", my dad used to say that. Thanks for this moment of remembering him.
torranceshipman Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 As soon as I ended it with the MM I wanted to tell his long term girlfriend. That's because he is lying to her, disrespecting her, and manipulating her (because he hides the truth fromher). I don't want to see anyone go through that. He TOTALLY lied about his status to me, made out they were splitting up before I was in the picture etc....totally liar. I had a lucky escape when I found out the real truth and ended it, but that poor woman is still stuck with the dirtbag, all their mutual friends know what he's like and none have told her, despite the fact he's cheated on her, doesn't seem that repentant, and is disrespectful behind her back (some friends they are!)...yet of course he goes home to her every night and pretends everything is fine...well, that girl is being SO terribly short changed and it isn't fair. We all only have one life, and hers is being wasted with this guy - so I think it's a very good thing for her to find out. Of course, the xMM acted likea complete bully at work to stop me telling her, but i'm leaving the job soon, so then the sleaze is off my radar for good. Then if I run into her in future there's no way I'm keeping my mouth shut (-:
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 Good for you TSP. She deserves to know that her husband isn't what she thought. I firmly believe in consequences for the cheater.
Meaplus3 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 The last thing the two people involved in affair are thinking about is the well being of the BS. That's why is so unbelievable when an OW says that they tell the BW because they feel some sort of obligation to do what's best for the BW. Finding out may be what is best for the BW, that I can't imagine that the OW does anything beneficial for the BW at any point in time. Herenow, Glad to to see you are posting again, I have missed you! I believe what you said is VERY true here. I have gone back and forth with feeling's of telling the W, but NO, I'm just not that hurtful! Why inform her now? What would I gain,What would she gain? NOT a thing . If a MM is capable of lying to a spouse he's most certainly lying to the OW. I have Choose to let telling the W go for good!!! IMO, I think his W does know to some degree that he embark's on close Emotinal realtionship's or mabey even sexual (not in my case) with OW, but she put's up with it for whatever reason. Who know's perhap's she's had her own affair's. AP:)
Tomcat33 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I had to call the MM's W. He was seperated and living on his own and we broke up because he needed time to himself. Well months after the fact he calls me out of the blue after emailing me insessantly and I not returning his emails/calls and asks to see me. He called me from his own place so I figured he had some progress on his situation. He wound me up and told me all the nice things as usual that he "missed me to death" still loved me and there wasn't a day that went by the he would not think of me. Told me he was still very much in love with me and we spoke for over an hour in person. After prying a bit I come to find out the guy had moved back home with his W because supposedly I would not return his msgs and he figured he should do the "right thing and work on his M". WHAT A JOKE!!! LOL I proceeded to ask him if his W knew he had come to see me he said "no way" I got up and left and told him we were done and that I would call her right that moment because what he was doing was absolutely wrong. I wanted no part of him or his sick triangle. So I called the W I told her he had come to see me, I told her everything he said to me and she asked me if he had been in contact with me the past few months I told her he was most definitely in touch. She said "really.....? he assured me he had broken all contact with you" I told her that was not so. He emailed me all the time even as he was away on business he emailed me and we even talked on MSN. She then proceeded to ask me "well what do you want from me?" I told her "absolutely nothing, I just want you to know that your H is a pathological liar and I want him out of my life" I told her I was sorry for everything but that I too had been the reciprical of his lies and had no idea he was trying to work things out with her or else I would have never agreed to meet with him. Why did I do it? I wanted him out of my life for good, I felt it was the right thing to do, because clearly he was not going to stop unless she found out he was up to his old crap. Well four days later he started contacting me on a networking site which had taken a fake profile (I knew it was him but he thought I didn't) and started contacting me again, pumping me for information about what was goig on in my life. I played along and I lead him on for a few days until I gathered enough information to be 100% certain it was him and I confronted him with my knowledge of course he denied it but I managed to get him to confess. I threatened to show his W our interaction on the site and he caved and spilled the beans. I told him to leave me alone or I would contact his W again. He finally got the msg and stopped contacting me. His profile is still up and he checks in at least twice a week puts himself online when I am on. Conclusion: that guy will NEVER change. The worst part is I said to her "look I don't really know you but knowing what I know now about your man all I can say is you deserve so much more than that, I want nothing more to do with him after knowing he is so messed up so please kepe him away. Her response was "well at least now you will be out of the picture". All I can say is there is no more blind person than he who does not want see. Oh and that same day on his way home he calls me and tells me "why did you do that, you didn't have to do that hurt an inocent person like that" I literally laughed out loud, my response was "you should be asking yourself that question your the twisted liar not me. Time to face the music." I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and the best thing I could have done was nip it in the bud. I guess you can say I did it for myself because I knew if I made the call I would never see him again, but I feel I did the right thing for her too. What she chooses to do with her new found information is really not my problem anymore. I'm just glad I am not her, I could have been her some day had I "won" that loser. Things definitely happen for a reason. Would I do it again, contact her as I did? YOU BET! Absolutely NO regrets.
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Well done TC. I don't really care if it provides the OW/OM with some form of self-satisfaction for telling the betrayed spouse. The more important part is to let the spouse know and then he/she can make more educated decisions.
RecordProducer Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I believe that's what I said and that's what I meant. I'm all too aware that a large percentage of OW "love" their MM. Pity! My mom is Russian and she used to tell me a proverb that sounds really cute in Russian: "Lyubov zla polyubish i kozla" (Love is evil - you'd fall in love with a goat!)
Tomcat33 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Well done TC. I don't really care if it provides the OW/OM with some form of self-satisfaction for telling the betrayed spouse. The more important part is to let the spouse know and then he/she can make more educated decisions In my particular case and in that very instance when it all came to a halt and I saw him for who he really was it all hit me at once. My gut reaction was to ask him if she knew he had come to see me, simply because I wanted to know if he did it to get closure and his response made me realise he was just a liar. All along in the rel things didn't make sense but I believed him because he had moved out and it appeared he wanted out of the M, but it wasn't unitl I saw his true colours that I realised that his W and I were not all that different in that we were both victims of his lies. I didn't get any satisfaction from it, it was quite the contrary it was traumatic for me when I did it, but it felt right after the fact. No matter how anyone wants to see it from from the outside I know what I lived with him I know all the things he said to me but at that very moment I realised he had been doing to me what he must have been doing to her all along yet he assured me they were bearly speaking, yet he moved back home with her, yeah right "bearly speaking". I had to do the right thing once and for all. I never wanted to be the OW and I certainly not going to start now. When she said she was surprise that he had still been in contact with me all this time while telling her he wasn't I realised what a peice of work he was, and at that moment I felt I had done the right thing by calling her. V Funny quote RP LOL
torranceshipman Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Good on you Tomcat!! I really believe what you did is the right thing - giving the W the option to know. What she does with the info is up to her, but she certainly deserves to know the truth. Love the goat quote (-:
Ripples Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I'm very torn about this. On the one hand it smacks of revenge, on the other the BS does need to know - for the STD status, if nothing else. Maybe it's all to do with how and when the OW informs the wife. If my ex's OW had told me shortly after him dumping them, I would have seen their informing me as revenge or an attempt to get me to break it off with WS, certainly not out of any altruistic motivation. If time had lapsed, I maybe would have taken them more seriously and believed their intent was less selfish. The thing is, the OW never seem to tell the Wife until the MM has ends the affair or she wants to force the MM's hand. Why not wait until you're sure your motivation for telling her is for her interests instead of your own?
Author Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Ripples, it's one of those, does the end justify the means conflicts. My attitude would be yes because no matter what, I would have wanted to know. I can't imagine what it would feel like to find out that my ex cheated through testing positive for HIV or another STD. I'm not sure how much more abuse someone should be forced to take.
herenow Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Ripples, it's one of those, does the end justify the means conflicts. My attitude would be yes because no matter what, I would have wanted to know. I can't imagine what it would feel like to find out that my ex cheated through testing positive for HIV or another STD. I'm not sure how much more abuse someone should be forced to take. I agree that the W should know. I just don't think the OW has the W's best interested in mind when they tell. The OW obviously doesn't care about the W when she is having sex with the W's husband, so why the concern for her well being any other time? Just like the MM uses his kids as an excuse to not leave his wife, the OW uses telling the W as an excuse to get back at the MM. JMO.
Recommended Posts