Cardinal64 Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Hi. I'm in the process of divorcing the woman I've been married to for the past 7 years ( together 8 1/2 years - we have a 6 year old son ). The reason for the divorce centers on a number of irreconcilable differences - mainly her infidelity. I'm trying my best to remain civil - and somewhat friendly towards her. And for the most part that is working out ok. Anyway. Where I live - Mother's day is celebrated June 3rd. Should I call her to wish her a happy mother's day - I bought her a small gift on behalf of our son. But I'm debating whether I should give it to her. Any thoughts on this is appreciated .
Reckless Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I wouldn't give her a gift (even if its 'through' your son) but why not help your son make his mom a card or draw her something or give him some money to go and buy something himself - something clearly that comes from him; homemade is best and there will be no mixed signals...
azianpride143 Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Hi Cardinal. I had my daughter pick a gift for her mom but she didn't feel like picking one. So we stopped by at the grocery and got her a nice plant for her new apartment. At some point, she got pissed off since that's all we got her. She was expecting a gift card from some expensive store. This gifts were supposed to be from the kids. But then my STBXW is kinda psycho so can't really expect much. Although this happened to me, I would take the high road and get her something from the kids. Like the rest, I agree it's safer when it's home made by the kids themselves. You should no longer be obligated to give her anything for the holidays.
Trimmer Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Hey Card - I think a small gift from your son is an OK idea, based on your statement that you are intending to stay civil and friendly, and that you seem to be accomplishing that. Back a little before our Mother's Day (mid-June here) we knocked this idea around a little bit in this thread. There were some good comments there, if you want to go look at it. Bottom line for me: I wouldn't avoid giving her something from your son by any means, and I think it's best that he have as much involvement as possible (I don't remember his age, but anything from a cutely scribbled card if he's a toddler, to wrapping a gift himself, helping pick it out, etc. depending on age) ...and he should give it to her. She will certainly know that you had a hand in it, but the point is that you are not trying to score points as a spouse, rather you are being a good dad in fostering the relationship between your son and his mom. As long as that is your focus, I think you are in good shape.
Stevearino Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Card, I picked up a book recommended by my therapist called "The Good Divorce" by Constance Ahrons. My STBXW and I are looking to have a civil, friendly divorce for the sake of the children (we have a son 7 and a daughter 5). We look at it that if we fight over every petty little thing the only ones gaining financial gain are the lawyers, which in turn will only be stealing away money for the kids futures. I have learned to deal with the acceptance of going thru with the divorce and communicating with her that we still need friends for the sake of the kids. One of the best qualities my wife and I have is raising our kids. Sure we can't carry on a romantic relationship anymore but we both feel we can still carry on our parenting skills together. Don't get me wrong I am still bitter towards her over what she did to me. She cheated on me with another woman. Would not admit it to me. All she did was tell me the "I love you, but I don't love you anymore" BS. Then dealt with all the tell tale signs of a cheating spouse for about 6 months until I found numerous emails on her conversations between her and the gf. OUCH!!! So any tension right now between us is when we discuss the gf. As for Mothers Day what I did was made sure there were gifts and cards from the kids. with the help of the kids we made her breakfast in bed. At the end of the day I got a compliment from her on how I handled the whole day. I got her a card but it was a nice general "Happy Mothers Day" card and all I did was sign it, whereas in the past I would write in extra words. Good Luck to you and try and pick up a copy of the book I mentioned above. I am only into the first few chapters but has been a good read so far. Steve
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Until the divorce is final she is still your wife.. Treat her as such.. without any romantic crap.. There is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy mothers day.
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Since she was unfaithful, then no. She doesn't deserve a happy mother's day from you.
Trimmer Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Since she was unfaithful, then no. She doesn't deserve a happy mother's day from you. If you are limiting this comment to mothers' day wishes explicitly from the OP, then I can agree. However, I am a big advocate for childrens' best interests, and I think this attitude, while understandable, is one you should work to get beyond. Separate the character of your cheating ex-wife from the character of your childrens' mother. I don't suggest you celebrate your anniversary, and you may well completely move beyond your relationship with her as a wife, but she will always remain the mother of your child(ren), and as such it benefits your child for you to foster a good parental relationship with her. Is it easy? No, I'm not saying that. Is it good for your kids? Yes, I believe it is, and that makes it worth the work. I don't think it really matters too much either way if you give her Mothers' Day wishes explicitly from you, but I still think you should facilitate something with your child or children. And her actions as a wife should not factor in to that.
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 If you are limiting this comment to mothers' day wishes explicitly from the OP, then I can agree. However, I am a big advocate for childrens' best interests, and I think this attitude, while understandable, is one you should work to get beyond. I didn't say she didn't deserve a happy mother's day gesture, just not from him. He can buy his kids gifts for her from them, and they can wish her a HMD. And there is nothing wrong with your intentions towards your children if you simply abstain from saying HMD. You aren't being mean about it, you just aren't saying it. Separate the character of your cheating ex-wife from the character of your childrens' mother. Well there is a fine line there since the mother cheated on her children's father, she in a sense cheated on them too. I don't think it really matters too much either way if you give her Mothers' Day wishes explicitly from you, but I still think you should facilitate something with your child or children. And her actions as a wife should not factor in to that. yes, facilitate something for the kids, not from him. I agree with that.
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