sveltskye Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Hi, I'm new here but I've been lurking a lot and enjoying reading all of your insights. Anyways, I'm sorry this is going to be an incredibly long post but I just have a lot to get off my chest. I've been feeling very depressed lately. I'm feeling better at the moment but for weeks ever since a dating prospect of mine didn't work out I've been really down I'm 22 and I've never had a long term relationship before. Before I met this guy I hadn't even dated at all, but I was curious so I put a profile up on a dating site for my school and he contacted me. I saw on his profile that he was involved in the SCA, a medieval reinactment club that my sister and the rest of my housemates are very into and I was just starting to get into. He gave me his phone number and I called him and we got along really well. I was surprised that he didn't ask me out, but he did ask me to come to a practice for the medieval style fighting he was into. Here's the thing: I'm very extremely shy, and I've hardly had any guys take interest in me, even though I'm a lot of fun to be around once you get to know me. I met him at a meeting for the club and he thought I had rejected him because I was so shy I could barely talk to him. But he still kind of tried to follow up and so he sent me a text message which I followed up favorably and he called me a few days later. So then there was a period for about three weeks where he called me pretty much every night and we'd stay up talking into the morning about anything and everything. We got really open with eachother and flirted a lot- I pretty much told him everything about myself and my life, including the fact that I had never had a boyfriend. This completely shocked him because, as he told me I was "beautiful and fun and had a great attitude". I was just really excited about the whole thing, it felt like we were really connecting. He kind of made a big deal about me being a virgin though, and that bothered me, since it was kind of contradictary- he said that guys treated sex like it was a more casual thing than girls but made a big deal over the fact that I hadn't had the opportunity to do it. He was very kind to me though, and I didn't regret telling him personal things about myself- and I still don't. He definately acted like he was interested in me, and said that the thing he would be worried about with a "girl like me" would be hurting me. He never invited me on a date, and he kept saying that he had "emotional complications" but wouldn't tell me what they were. Yet he came clubbing with me when I asked him to stop by after his fighting practice. And then we went to this camping event for the SCA and we ended up flirting physically- like play fighting and tickling and cuddling and then sleeping in the same bed together. But somehow he never seemed capable of acting like he was very enthusiastic about me being around when there were other people there. The next week I stopped by the fighting practice on my way to the club and asked him to stop by again. My housemate who was at the practice too said that he was going to go but then one of his friends made a comment like "yeah, you should go because you're seeing her, right?" and he said never mind, he had homework. So when my housemate came and told me this, I was like WTF? and called him up and basically cornered him, saying "Do you like me, or not?" And he said that he wanted to be friends just then, that I was a nice girl and he didn't want to "do anything he'd regret" and brought up his emotional complications again which he wouldn't want to "burden me" by telling me about. I asked why he had been on a dating site and he said he thought he was ready to date. After we hung up the phone I started crying my eyes out and was completely miserable for the whole weekend. I had told him that if he was serious about being friends he should call me, because I wasn't going to call him, but I rethought that, thinking it wasn't very friend like and called him a few days later. He called me once after that, only after my housemate told him I missed talking to him and since then he's pretty much relegated me to the status of somewhat awkward acquaintence. We still see eachother at meetings for the club, but he doesn't treat me like a friend at all, just in an awkward "hi how are you" kind of way. Anyways, this whole thing left me really hurt and sad and I'm still kind of getting over it. I've been casually seeing a couple other guys but I don't feel like I can or want to like anyone else now. I feel kind of jaded over the whole thing- the fact that he could have treated me so intimately for a while and then shut that off completely at the drop of a hat and I feel like he acts now like he wishes I would dissapear off the face of the earth. I saw him at a meeting a couple days ago and I still get very nervous seeing him and his friends, because for some reason I still kind of long to be part of their circle of friends. I feel like an outsider already when I'm around them and on top of that I feel hurt because after all that getting to know eachother, it seems like the being friends was just a line. I wonder if I'm overreacting. I was sad, but I understood that he had issues and didn't want to get super involved with me. But I feel hurt that after all the bonding on the phone we did he doesn't treat me like a friend. Am I crazy to be hurt by this? I hate the thought that I'm clingy, or overdramatic...
lonelybird Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 HI, it is natural to feel hurt. It is just life, sometimes you will meet people who like apple, but you are an orange, and a good one. Rejection is part of life too. but you will appreciate the former rejection because you will find your good mate later, who like you and love you as who you are:) Let him go and keep your peace in heart:) Nothing outside you can hold of when the wave of life begin to rise up and fall down, but inner strength and peace is the only thing you can always rely on and hold onto. Best wishes
polywog Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Hi sveltskye, You're disappointed because you sensed so much potential and opened up so much, and he couldn't follow through... your emotional self was put out on the limb, and you bravely made yourself vulnerable. I felt hurt for you, reading your post. And have empathy, as I've been through similar experiences (so have most of us here!). It sucks, but we do survive it better and stronger. Chances are this guy feels as awful as you do, because he has started to meet you almost halfway and for whatever mysterious reason can't follow through (the "emotional problem" thing he's brought up). I know, this doesn't really help to ease your pain and disappointment, but I really don't think that he rejected you, from what I read in your post. He rejected opportunity, I think. Which leads me to: My sister has been involved in SCA for years, and I've met a lot of the men she knows from there. At the risk of generalizing, I have noticed that SCA seems to attract a lot of guys that are emotionally immature. In fact, from your post, he sounds pretty typical of some of the guys. They meet these cool women at events, get to connect with them in this role-playing that SCA provides (slap&tickle at the camps, etc.) but in the end, I think a lot of them aren't up to living outside of the safety and threater of SCA roles, relationship-wise. This is just my observation. Anyways, hang in there and just let yourself heal from the disappointment and heartache... be kind to yourself, and post away.... LS is great for this.
Author sveltskye Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 Thanks for your replies, lonelybird and polywog. I like your apple/orange analogy, lonelybird, and polywog, your post pretty much hit the nail on the head: I did think there was a lot of potential, and I really did share a lot of myself with him. He seems like the type that can get uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and when he realised that it was getting deeper than he expected he shut me off. And that just hurt me a lot because I'm very open with people naturally. Is it unusual to feel like you should have a bond with a person you've shared personal details with for a month or so? I don't know if its just me, but I thought we had some kind of connection that would at least warrent a true friendship after all that.
polywog Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Thanks for your replies, lonelybird and polywog. I like your apple/orange analogy, lonelybird, and polywog, your post pretty much hit the nail on the head: I did think there was a lot of potential, and I really did share a lot of myself with him. He seems like the type that can get uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and when he realised that it was getting deeper than he expected he shut me off. And that just hurt me a lot because I'm very open with people naturally. Is it unusual to feel like you should have a bond with a person you've shared personal details with for a month or so? I don't know if its just me, but I thought we had some kind of connection that would at least warrent a true friendship after all that. Well, it's not unusual at all to expect a friendship after sharing yourself that way, but the problem here is that it was complicated by romantic feelings and expectations. That he ran away from. Which hurts terribly, and ruined a regular friendship bond. Sort of a double whammy... he backed off from friendship and romance, so you've felt you lost both. Ouch. You'll get over it... though it hurts so much now. Geez, I've gone through similar stuff so many times, and so have so many of us here. So you aren't alone... hang in there and post, it helps!
Author sveltskye Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Well, it's not unusual at all to expect a friendship after sharing yourself that way, but the problem here is that it was complicated by romantic feelings and expectations. That he ran away from. Which hurts terribly, and ruined a regular friendship bond. Sort of a double whammy... he backed off from friendship and romance, so you've felt you lost both. Ouch. You'll get over it... though it hurts so much now. Geez, I've gone through similar stuff so many times, and so have so many of us here. So you aren't alone... hang in there and post, it helps! Thanks polywog for the support, I really appreciate it. I'm just wondering, is that a typical thing to do- to back off that much so that you're not even trying to be friends with the person? I had a friend that liked me, and kind of reassured me that he was cool with just being friends, and we are still extremely close. I don't know if that's unusual. Of course, my friend and I had known eachother longer than this guy and me and we were housemates. I'm still thinking about inviting him and his friend to a party I'm going to throw in about a month. Does this seem like a bad idea? Should I just leave him alone? I always want to reach out of people, but I don't know when it crosses the line into the unwanted territory, and I haven't been in this kind of situation before. We're gonna have to see eachother at SCA meetings if I stay in the club anyway.
alasia Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Ooh you sound a lot like me. Before I met my ex (we split in January) I had real problems opening up to men, trusting them etc due to stuff that happened in my past. My ex was my first 'proper' boyfriend; I'd had 2-3 week 'flings' before, but nothing serious. He's also the only man I could see myself having a long term relationship with. Things moved really quickly between us - I moved in with him within a month (he suggested it), and 4 months later we were even talking marriage and babies! He did propose, but I didn't take it seriously - and now I'm glad I didn't, as we never would have lasted. It went very wrong, very quickly; he ended things saying he wanted a brteak, I never gave him the break and we basically kept sleeping together and seeing each other for the next 3 months. Then he decided he wanted to cut all contact for a while; but every so often I'd hold out an 'olive branch' asking if he wanted to see the baby in future (I'm almost 7 months pregnant with his baby), he'd say he did and we'd get on for a while, trying to stay friends...which never worked out because I just can't be friends with him. I still have too many feelings. You can do a search on my posts if you want to read just how spectacularly wrong it all went, but basically he felt hemmed in as I just wouldn't quit...one minute he'd be saying he wanted to get back together, then next he wanted me out of his life - I didn't know which to believe so I kept on going to see him or contacting him - now I can see I was probably stalking him, in a way; but in my mind I was just trying to keep the door open a little so we could be friends in future, if nothing else. He was also unable to open up emotionally, by the way. He oculd never talk about his feelings or anything like that which was hard for me as I'm very open (too much so at times). Maybe you could invite this guy to the party - if you're inviting his friend too it might take some of the pressure of him - but just take it that if he comes, great, if not then it's no big deal. Don't contact him if he doesn't show up, and just see how it goes from there. When you see him at the SCA meetings be friendly and say hi, but leave it at that until he makes the next move. But then I don't have a clue about this kind of thing, so maybe you should just completely ignore my advice!
Author sveltskye Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Aw, alasia, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Maybe there's a few similarities, but your experience sounds a hell of a lot worse than mine (except that you've gotten a beautiful baby out of it). Sounds like your guy didn't know what the heck he wanted. Thanks for the advice about the party. Im gonna do my best to keep it light and not be upset if he finds an excuse not to go, which may very likely happen.
polywog Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Aw, alasia, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Maybe there's a few similarities, but your experience sounds a hell of a lot worse than mine (except that you've gotten a beautiful baby out of it). Sounds like your guy didn't know what the heck he wanted. Thanks for the advice about the party. Im gonna do my best to keep it light and not be upset if he finds an excuse not to go, which may very likely happen. hey, sveltskye.... Invite him if you are up for it, but please don't torment yourself with expectations, if you do... of either friendship or romance. See how you feel, and go with that. Just don't do anything to make yourself hurt or diappointed. If you find that it's going to be a bad time feelings-wise for you to invite him, then don't, and don't feel bad about it. You need to take care of yourself. Just my thoughts....
JCD Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Chalk it up as an experience and move on with your life. You'll find someone who will show you more attention and who will be more mature in your relationship.
crazy_grl Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 There's nothing wrong with pursuing a friendship with him, as long as that's what you're after. If you're doing it with the ulterior motive of having a relationship, you're going to end up very disappointed and worse off than before. He's probably acting indifferent because he feels guilty for the way things went down. You're going to need to reassure him that you're ok. Say hi to him enthusiastically, invite him on outings with other friends, etc. Show him that you're not crushed by him not wanting a relationship with you. That'll relieve his guilt and make him feel more comfortable around you. Once you get a repoire going again, you can tell him how you're glad to be friends because even though you were disappointed things didn't work out romantically, you'd be more disappointed if you two couldn't be friends. But... before you do this, imagine how you would feel if he started dating another girl tomorrow. If you'd be upset by it, don't pursue a friendship yet. Give it more time and for now just be casual acquaintances that say hi to each other in passing.
Author sveltskye Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Crzy grl- that's great advice, thank you so much. I think I really would enjoy a friendship with him if I could have one, because I know his friends and see that he can be a good friend, and he was really nice to me before. And I'm definately not wanting a friendship with an alterior motive (at least not anymore- if you'd caught me a couple weeks ago I'm afraid the answer would have been different...) What I'd really like to do is just kind of extend an olive branch- I don't know what that would be, but just treat him in a way that would show that I'd like to actually be friends some day. And I was thinking the party invitation might be good for that. I guess I just hate giving up on people, although you might be right, JCD, I might be better off. And I'm not sure if he's really interested. I'm not even sure how much he likes me anymore, I mean as a person- I wonder, because of the way he treats me, even though it kind of makes me wonder how someone could get such a good impression of someone and then a month later not like them anymore. Don't they remember why they liked the person the month before? I don't know... It's confusing, and sometimes I wonder if I should just quit the club and forget about all of them, but I don't really want to. I was really excited when he was into me because well, besides just having a guy I liked interested in me, I thought he was going to start including me in his circle, which are all people that I kind of want to be friends with. I feel left out when I see them together at the meeting because they obviously are good friends and hang out together a lot. I'm dissapointed that he never ended up inviting me to anything and possibly never will now. However, I'm thinking of inviting the whole club to my party (its small). Then I can announce it at a meeting and keep it low pressure. I am keeping in mind your post too, polywog, and I'm going to play it by ear- if I think it would bother me too much to have him there, I won't invite any of them. But I feel like its a good idea right now. Honestly, I'm kind of confused about how much effort is appropriate to try and put in to try and get a friendship out of him- if I should give up and never bother contacting him or trying to see him outside of when I have to, or put a little effort in. He wasn't a real relationship, so do I have to not call him even if I feel like it'd be nice to chat? This has come up in the last few days and I didn't call him even though I wanted to. Is it innappropriate to casually reach out to him if he doesn't seem to want to reach out to me?
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