yupyupyup Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I am in a very complicated situation and wherever I turn I get different advice depending on who is giving it to me, how much of the situation they know etc... Problem is nobody knows the whole situation and everyone I have talked to knows me personally so they are personally invested in what happens... So please bear with me and read the whole situation... here it goes I met my ex many years ago. We dated for a while, but were young and broke up on good terms. Five years later after being friends we started to date again. We slowly became closer and after six months of dating he asked me to be "exclusive" or whatever you would call it. I lost my virginity to him. Over 2 1/2 years we became so close it’s hard to explain. We told each other literally everything. Here is the catch: it was a long distance relationship (saw each other every 3 weeks and had the summers together). He goes to school on the other side of the country. Every time we saw each other we would spend almost every moment together to make up for the lost time, which put a lot of pressure on us, but we mutually wanted to. When we were apart we would talk on the phone 1-5 hours a day. I literally have not gone 1 day without talking to him for 2 1/2 years until 3 days ago. We read each others' minds. We even talked about the grossest stuff about ourselves, that no one would want to hear. He is graduating, well, in a few days, and he planned on coming back home and attend grad school where I go for undergrad (he is 2 years older). He wanted to do this before we even started dating, so that decision was not based on me. He has always been, well, perfect; he always seemed happy, got into every college he wanted with scholarships, gets along with everyone, impresses everyone etc. Well, he didn't get into the school that I go to and he didn't get into any other grad school either, with one exception, he got into a good school in a terrible city with a scholarship and stipend because his neighbor was on the admissions committee. Well, as you can imagine he did not take this rejection well, since it was the first time he was ever rejected from anything. He started to spiral downward. He became a little distant right after he found out he didn't get into my school and more distant when he found out he didn’t get in anywhere else. He found out he got into the pother school over spring break. During spring break we drove to the beach to have a weekend together right before he had to leave to go back to school. It was the most amazing 3 days, but it turns out he had found out about getting into the other school before the trip and didn’t tell me because we had talked about what would happen in this situation (if he wasn’t to come home) and we would break up. The night before he left to go back to school we made love and it was the most passionate time ever... and the next night back at school he got really drunk, cheated on me, and then didn’t tell me about the acceptance letter for another week after that. Other things that occurred in his downward spiral were: almost failing his courses when he had never gotten below a B, stopped taking care of his health, couldn't sleep at night, started drinking more and became numb to feelings. The only issues we had earlier in our relationship were all about him drinking. He doesn’t drink often but when he does he becomes an a$$ and blacks out a lot. For example he has called me a b*tch, not called me on my birthday and broken numerous promises because of his drinking. He also has some other deep issues due to his overbearing, controlling father, who actually wrote him an e-mail in February, saying he thinks I am not good enough for him, I don’t truly love him and that they hate me and he should break up with me (keep in my my ex is 23 years old when his father wrote this and they had no idea what our relationship was like and only had good encounters with me HONEST). My ex also has always had performance issues, if you know what I mean, because of anxiety. He also has a huge fear of disappointing people, then will screw little things up so he can get punished and relieve some sort of weird guilt he has. And finally through most of this ordeal his problem has been feeling totally numb to all feelings. The string of events went like this: we broke up after a lot of talking about what was going to happen assuming that he was going to the other school (I was destroyed, I wept, couldn't sleep etc) … got back together when he visited the school and hated it so decided not to go:)... broke up the next night when I found out he cheated on me (I was beyond destroyed, I didn’t sleep, wept, puked etc) … then he begged for my forgiveness and said he would do anything to get me back … I waited and he didn’t do anything for 2 weeks, so I said it was all over again (I wept) … then he started doing cute things to prove he wanted me back ... then 2 weeks later told me he had been leading me on and wasn't actually ready to be in a committed relationship again and he had hooked up with some other girls since we were broken up ... we talked on the phone as friends and then one day he suddenly freaked out and said that he started to feel feelings again and everything came rushing back to him- the love that he had felt for me all the pain he had put me through, all the images came to his head of the amazing times we had together and he really does want me back this time. ? ? I wouldn't have it (?). I told him I didn't want to talk to him or have text messages from him until he gets home for good (in 10 days) because it wasn't fair for him to give me hope again when he keeps oscillating with his feelings about us. He says he is so scared that he f*cked up everything and I won't let him back in my life and he doesn’t know what he would do if he didn’t have me in his life and I make him want to be a better person etc. He seems sincere. I just don't know what to make of all of this. His overwhelming guilt indicates that he wouldn't cheat again, but he seems young and confused, like he is worried he is missing out on the college experience of hooking up with chicks or something. He also seems to be self-destructing because he is going through a huge change in his life with graduating and because he got rejected for the first time in his life. The distance also had a huge impact, but with that I don't understand why he would cheat on me the next night after making love to me. My problem is that I love him so much that I can't imagine not having him in my life. He has helped me through so many hard times and I truly love him and want to help him through his hard times no matter how much he has hurt me. I have been doing fine without him (lots of ups and downs though), almost better now without talking to him. I am interested in other guys, but none of them seem to even compare and the idea of a relationship scares me because I don’t want to get hurt again. I can't get images of him with other girls out of my head. When I see a picture of him or do something closely associated with memories of us, I literally feel my heart speed up and I start to feel sick with anxiety. At night my mind usually wanders back to a place of imagining us together in the same state, working things out and living happily ever after. But how could I ever truly trust him? I am so confused. Should I let him back into my life at all when he gets home? Should we try to be friends and that’s it? Should we try to start from the beginning and slowly begin to date again? Should I let him back into my heart and leave myself vulnerable to get hurt once more? Thank you so much for reading through all of this and please let me know any thoughts or advice you have.
Lynna Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Sorry to hear you are in such a complicated situation. Sounds like he really is in a rough spot right now. He has no idea what his future holds, he is scared, depressed, etc. It sounds like you both need some space. He needs time to really think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life and who he wants to do that with. You might want to recommend that he talk to some sort of counselor, and maybe even join an alcoholics anonymous group. Even if he does not drink all the time, if he has such severe problems while he is drinking then it is probably something he should avoid. He is out of control at the moment, so I would recommend that you give him some space. You can continue to be his friend if that is something that you are comfortable with, but I would not continue to date him or sleep with him at the moment. He has too many issues that he needs to deal with first. And always remember, they are his issues, you can listen and talk with him, but you can't fix him. He has to fix his problems himself.
Cobra_X30 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I have to say the single toughest time in my life is when I didnt get accepted into medical school. I had awesome test scores but B minus grades. I felt so angry and inadequate, like my whole future was draining away. Plus my dad is pushy and overbearing too, and he paid for some of my college. However, I never drank or hooked up with random girls. What he should need is for someone to tell him that it is going to be OK. That he will still be loved, RESPECTED, and that he still has a great future ahead. He can take a year off, work and reapply... or find a new direction. It sounds to me like he found out he was rejected from your school and figured that your relationship was over. That you would now see him as an unworthy loser. When he delays giving you information it is because he fears your reaction. Anyway, he has been cheating (Absolutely not your fault), so this might be a lost cause for you. Hope this helps and best of luck.
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