oppath Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Approaching 5 months, a 6 month relationship, and I still struggle. Things I regret are in italics. Her: "It's not you, it's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself. I'm not emotionally ready to keep making you happy but if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be with you; I'm giving up the most amazing relationship of my life. Please don't think I don't have feelings for you, I do, all the chemistry, romance and passion are there."A couple times the next two weeks I asserted "please don't be in contact with me right now. Give me space and time to heal. We have mutual friends, and I would like to eventually be friends with you, but it's difficult for ex's to be friends. While I'd like it to happen, the only way it will is if I have time and space to heal, and I possess no desire, attraction, bitterness, or anger towards you, and that will be several months down the line, so please respect my request."Her: "I understand. Let me know when you're down for a friend's with benefits relationship."Me: "When you broke up with me, you broke up with my cock. I remember when we first started dating; you said you'd want to make love to me, not **** me; friends with benefits is ****ing. We both know I deserve more than that, and that's not going to change 1 week or 1 year from now."Her: "I was just joking."I lost it at this point...I was abused as a kid and I suddenly felt used and abused and all my old anger combined with my new. I "should" have just let it go and not dignified it with a response; instead I told her she was selfish and cruel and her reasons for the breakup were bull****, that she gave me false hope, and I could never treat someone I knew I hurt with the little respect she gave me, and that I deserved better justification considering she told me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry. Downward spiral...I was depressed before the breakup, and this did me in. I made the mistake of drinking too much alcohol when going out with friends; this made everything worse.When drinking with a friend I was told her ex proposed to her a couple weeks before the breakup -- an ex she never told about me despite talking to him a couple times a week. Yep, I sent a drunk email telling her she was pathetic and I threatened to tell her ex about me in detail.I apologized the next day.And again a couple days later.Where does this leave me? I AM SCARED ****LESS. I still think about her all the time, but mostly, I had a vibrant social life before I started dating her. Our circles intersected. I've been out of town, and will be back in San Diego in September, a full 8 months since I last saw her. Her friends, many of whom really liked me and respected me, think I'm an *******. I feel I'll have a panic attack if I go anywhere near her and her friends and this means I have to not play in a sports league I was in long before them, not go to the bar I always went to, etc. I don't want to have anger. I don't want to assign blame. In my opinion, she acted extremely insensitive and disrespectful, if not abusive, to me BEFORE I did or said anything. I recognize now that SILENCE is DEAFENING, the best revenge is a life well lived, and if I could do things over I would have said nothing to her, not even dignified her with a reaction. What pisses me off is that somehow I was labeled the bad guy through all this. And I accept responsibility too for my reactions, but I assert they would not have happened had she respected me. I am better off without her. I know this. But I am angry, and I can't let go. I am angry that had she been honest with me, and respected my request, none of the drama would have happened, and all those friendships would be preserved, and I'd probably eventually have been friends with her too. I feel like those things were stripped from me, and really, I took all the blame for it. I have no power over this and it's hurting me. Most of my good friends in SD have moved away, and I feel like when I go back, I have to start all over. Rationally: some of her friends are still my friends. Others probably won't say anything even if they do have a bad opinion of me. This is an opportunity, because it means I can make an entirely new circle of friends. But the hardest part for me...I hadn't felt connected to a group in a long time. When our circles merged, I felt connected. I was really happy. Then I dated her, I was VERY happy. Now I'm miserable, and I feel like things were stolen from me. I want my life and happiness back, not her. I'm sick of having anger for her. I don't want to blame her. Really, I blame myself, and I shift the blame to her to justify that I reacted because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I reacted. I don't want blame to be anywhere. She made some mistakes. I did deserve to be treated with more respect as things went down. I don't really feel she is a bad person at all. The relationship was over, she didn't know how to end it or fully let go, because she did enjoy having me in her life. The problem is that she is passive, if not passive aggressive, in moments of conflict. That is a flaw, but it doesn't make her a horrible person, just not the one for me. But why do I feel like I'm an abusive ******* and it's all my fault those friendships are gone? Why do I feel such deep embarrassment and shame? Why do I feel like I'm a bad person and can't show my face?
underpants Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Dude, heartbreak sucks.....sorry. You got angry and stood up for yourself, there is no shame in that. She couldn't handle the confrontation and/or probably felt a little guilty for ending the relationship and made a lame offer that was inappropriate. Respect is important in any relationship and is key in romantic ones. Getting and giving respect is a line, the walk of which is one I myself am trying to master. I think by moving, the physical distance may have contributed to the loss of mutual friends more then side taking. In hindsight this move might have been beneficial because the friends nor her were privey to your thoughts and feelings on the matter during that healing time. You removed yourself and them from a dramatic situation. So now you are back and of course you will be reminded of the past. This is normal, a period of adjustment that comes with being in a familiar place with a different set of circumstances before you. I don't think you need to worry about running into her or these friends. Certainly there is no cause to feel ashamed. It was her choice, and it is the past. I think perhaps indifference/casual friendliness might serve you well if you should find youself in a situation where you might run into one of these people. I certainly would advise against bringing up any past issues or inquiring about the ex. Good luck to you. You sound like you have integrity and the introspection needed to guide your choices and learn. I think, eventually you will find that you have gained much more then you lost. Regards, Unders
Author oppath Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Thanks. But it is inevitable I run into many of these people unless I refrain from living the life I led. That's my cause of concern. And I'm scared of having a panic attack, because I suffer from anxiety, so really, this is almost making me develop panic disorder. Some things to be proud of She crossed lines and I stood up for myself. Perhaps I came off as extreme, but I stood up for myself when she went too far.When I learned about the trust being broken, again, I did stand up for myself. Perhaps it would have been better to not say anything, but that is a lesson to learn as well.Things I've learned. despite being clinically depressed, I'm coping with this pretty well (or rather, my life in general is going very well, not this)I won't get involved with someone fresh out of a LTR againI won't tolerate high contact with a recent ex, unless I can meet the ex as a friend myself, and even then, the contact shouldn't be at the level you'd talk a best friendI am allowed to assign consequences in a relationship if my needs aren't being met.It is in the past, it was her choice. I don't know why she ended the relationship, but what matters is that she did choose to end it. That part I've accepted. What I haven't is acceptance of myself that it is ok to express anger. Half my posts here on LS are about this same topic and it's driving me nuts.
kali420 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 Wow, this pretty much my story. A little variation. But, I felt as if I lost my friends too. You posted a reply on my thread too. No one ever wanted to be the messenger in my case. And these friends weren't like my best friends...like childhood friends. But, I feel like I belong in this circle, you know? I kind of feel like I'm the bad guy too. If you remember my thread, she's dating someone I know. An old co-worker. It was like seven months since we broke up. So, people knowing I was still hung up on it, made me feel embarassed in front of my friends. I felt like she was making the "story" to viewed that way. That I couldn't get over it. So, if I felt hurt that she moved on with someone I know that is my problem. I kind of feel that way too. But, insecure about the whole thing.
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