LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 So, my stbxH moved out yesterday, and I helped. Still putting my place back together today and over the next few days. It was not nearly as sad as I thought it would be. We were both ready by this time. His place is really nice. Much bigger than mine, much nicer, etc. I'm happy he found such a nice place that is still in our daughter's school district. Now, the question I have is this: how do you cope when you separate and you aren't the "fun" parent? I guess I should clarify that it isn't a case of ME being fun or not, but our circumstances. The stbxH moved into a neighborhood where several of my daughters close friends live, his place has a pool, there is a skate park bordering the neighborhood, and overall there is just more for her to do that she likes to do. There are no kids in my neighborhood, no pool, no park, none of that good stuff. There is plenty of space for her to skate and ride her bike, but with no friends here to do it with, what fun is that? I can go out with her, and come up with some fun stuff to do but its not the same. She at the age where she likes to have her friends around. This is like mecca for her. She is an only child, and has not had a lot of opportunities outside of school and activities to be a social child. Her dad's neighborhood is pretty much what she always wanted in terms of a place to live. I am happy for her, and I want her to be happy. That said, it leaves me sad to know that she isn't going to want to be hanging out here too much, particularly in the beginning. So that said, how do you cope? I feel like a large part of my life has fallen into a deep hole. I know I need to find things to fill my life, but how do you cope with the sadness?
ilmw Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 So, my stbxH moved out yesterday, and I helped. Still putting my place back together today and over the next few days. It was not nearly as sad as I thought it would be. We were both ready by this time. His place is really nice. Much bigger than mine, much nicer, etc. I'm happy he found such a nice place that is still in our daughter's school district. Now, the question I have is this: how do you cope when you separate and you aren't the "fun" parent? I guess I should clarify that it isn't a case of ME being fun or not, but our circumstances. The stbxH moved into a neighborhood where several of my daughters close friends live, his place has a pool, there is a skate park bordering the neighborhood, and overall there is just more for her to do that she likes to do. There are no kids in my neighborhood, no pool, no park, none of that good stuff. There is plenty of space for her to skate and ride her bike, but with no friends here to do it with, what fun is that? I can go out with her, and come up with some fun stuff to do but its not the same. She at the age where she likes to have her friends around. This is like mecca for her. She is an only child, and has not had a lot of opportunities outside of school and activities to be a social child. Her dad's neighborhood is pretty much what she always wanted in terms of a place to live. I am happy for her, and I want her to be happy. That said, it leaves me sad to know that she isn't going to want to be hanging out here too much, particularly in the beginning. So that said, how do you cope? I feel like a large part of my life has fallen into a deep hole. I know I need to find things to fill my life, but how do you cope with the sadness? I'm in the other boat... my son comes to see me usually 2 days out of the week.. my neighbourhood... is out of his district so no friends... where he lives with his mom.. one of his bestfriends live only a few doors down.. and he likes to play out side. The thing is... when he is with me... he only wants to play with me... we always go out... to the park.. for meals.. fun stuff. I do have to discipline him on occasion..but that is far and few between... as he is normally very well behaved when he is with me... He has told me on several occasions he wants to live with me... as he "hates" his mom's house... I always tell him.. that I would love him to live with me.. but if he did that... his mommy would miss him and be sad... His mother and I are on the same page when it comes to what he is allowed to do... we have kept this up pretty good... but because we are not together any more..it can be tough for both of us.. All I can tell you is love your daughter.. be happy for her... and have fun with her.. as much as possible... It is all I can do with my son.... and it seems to be working.
alphamale Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I don't know what to say LCB....i'm a little out of my realm on this subject.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 She at the age where she likes to have her friends around. What is with this??? Last summer my then 9 year old and I were best buds. Now when I say, Hey lets go see shrek 3, he says can a friend come, and when we can't find a friend he doesn't want to go???? So one year later I'm no fun anymore???? Your right, summer especially will be more fun at Dad's, and it's new to her also, so that's appealing. Summer will be over though before we know it and all of the school work and extra curriculars will set in and the park will get old and it will be too cold to swim, so it's not forever but I'm glad that you are happy for her. Why not start a project together. Something you can work on every day or night for a while. Maybe a large collage for her room or the worlds largest jigsaw puzzle, or potholders for her to give out as Christmas gifts. That will give you one on one time together as well as a sense of accomplishment. Time at Dad's also gives you time to learn to be LB again, learn what really makes you happy and what you really might enjoy. I laugh (now) with a girlfriend over the things she got into after her divorce. She literally tried every hobby and joined every club imaginable!!! Was going to become a master gardener, learn to water color, joined a book club, cake decorating, travelled, bowled, joined singles groups at 3 churches, started arobics, weight training and swimming (at the same time and threw out her knee), country line dancing (this is one she grew into a has made alot of friends with) and ballroom dancing, bought golf and tennis equipment she never used, took gormet cooking classes and belly dancing, volunteered for the local helpline... I could go on for days! There really is alot out there, and my personal belief is that making some good single girlfriends to just have good fun with that are a little further along than you and comfortable in their singledom, is the best thing for what ale's you right now. I'm glad it wasn't as sad as you thought it might have been. I'm sure it will be a difficult adjustment but I have a feeling you'll do just fine!! Good luck to you!
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Ouch. That said, it leaves me sad to know that she isn't going to want to be hanging out here too much, particularly in the beginning. So that said, how do you cope? I feel like a large part of my life has fallen into a deep hole. I know I need to find things to fill my life, but how do you cope with the sadness? It’s one of the most difficult parts of motherhood, LB. ( And fatherhood for all the Dad’s out there). That deep achiness that comes from being separated from your child. Particularly when you’re so accustomed to spending ALL of your time around them each and every day. The “empty nest” syndrome is never really easy. Especially when it happens while your babies are still so young. For me ... I’m not ashamed to admit I paced the floors and wrung my hands a lot. Even cried some times when no one was watching. Shoot. There were even a few times when I could have sworn I heard her calling me from another room. My heart would skip a beat before I realized the house was empty. .... Man. I had it BAD. But ... letting go is one of the greatest sacrifices we all have to eventually make for our children. When they become teenagers, that “pulling away” process is something that occurs naturally anyway. Their peer groups become their new family ... they get married and move away to start families of their own. It’s never easy. Stay as busy as you possibly can. Each day will get a little easier than the day before. And when you feel lonesome for her, pick up that darn phone and call. Just to hear her voice. Even if she’s too busy having fun to come visit poor ol’ doting Mom ... call her anyway. Just to let her know how much you love her. It might seem silly to her now, but she’ll remember and appreciate that as she gets older. Meanwhile, she’ll miss you too. And the time you get to spend together will be all that more special to both of you because it’s no longer taken for granted. Make the most of it, and the best of it. Crap. Shouldn’t have read. LB, can you pass this blubbering fool one of your Kleenexes, please?
nittygritty Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I'm sorry that your going through a difficult time. You can have your daughter's friends spend the night at your place some times. Paint their nails, do their hair & make up. You can make play dates for your daughter at your place or take her and her friends to the movies or to get ice cream. Hopefully, you can talk to your STBX about your concerns. If not I would recommend that you try to get a good parenting relationship with your STBX as soon as possible, for the sake of your daughter. Maybe he would even agree to let you take her to the neighborhood pool and park sometimes. You can still stay very involved in your daughter's life. She needs you and your STBX always to be in her life. This is a hard adjustment time for all of you but it will get easier and you are incredibly smart LucreziaBorgia, you will figure this obstacle out. I have no doubt! Take Care
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted June 3, 2007 Author Posted June 3, 2007 Luckily stbxH and I are still very close, so talking to him won't be a problem. This weekend was kind of tough, with the moving - his best friend was in town, my boyfriend was in town and stbxH was out of town all last week. We literally haven't had a moment alone in over a week. I'll talk to him about it today probably. I feel a little better today. I guess with the newness of the situation and getting used to the back and forth, I was feeling a tad insecure. Thanks for all the input. It really helps to read it.
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