Think I'm becoming the OW

[Melovator]

My... ex and I were together for 14 years and have an 18month old. I found out two months ago he was having an affair, though as is usual with these things I'd suspected for much longer than that. Let me just say I was not upset by the fact he was having a sexual relationship with someone else- I'm really, really broadminded. I was upset by him not communicating with me. Which is why after a month of him 'trying' while the OW kept sending him SMS's saying she'd slept with some d grade celebrity, and that she was going on a date with her husabnd (whom as far as I can figure out she left before they started sleeping together), then she wound up in hospital, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah, he got sucked back in, moved out of the house part-time, was all 'don't know what I want' and I just went 'Not waiting for you to have an epiphany, I'm letting this relationship go.' And I did and all of a sudden found it much easier to be with him because I had no expectations. Anyway, we have continued to ahve sex throughout this whole saga, best ever, and this started before I'd even found out, and its like at the moment when we're together and our son's asleep or occupied, we're rabbits. And I knew he was sleeping with the OW still- like I said doesn't worry me- in fact I find it interesting. He still calls and emails and tells me all the little details of his day and his work. I think he's having a mid-life crisis- or an identity crisis (which I can relate to ahving been through my own with the whole having a baby thing which really did cause me to question my own identity) because he's really fragile (I'm not excusing his behaviour- he made decisions that hurt me) and when I try totalk about formal arrangements e.g. about finances and the house and formal residence arrangements, he gets really upset and even cried on one occassion. I'm sorting through all these practical details on my own and adjusting my lifestyle to my income without him. I'm not expecting that he'll sort through what's happenign in his head and come back to me. We ahve a different relationship now that includes many aspects of the former but deletions and additions. Anyway why I'm writing this great big rambling essay is this, last night in bed after more midblowing sex, he says something about us having this incredible sexual bond that doesn't he doesn't have with OW and then told me that she'd wanted to go out with him that night but he wanted to come around and see our son and me. And I asked him 'doesn't she know we're still sleeping togetehr' and he says 'no' and I joked 'so I'm becoming the mistress then' and he said 'that would be elevating my relationshipw ith her to another level'. I thought she'd klnown we were still ahving sex and now I'm tossing between feeling a bit guilty and then not caring because it wasn't like she was worried about me before. Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do?

[Melovator]

I'm sorry if I've posted int he wrong spot, I came across this forum just after I first found out about everything and was trying to understand it and was impressed with depth of compassion and analysis I found on it, so when this happened I thought of here. But please tell me if I should be posting somewhere else.

[whichwayisup]

So you two were together, had a child together, broke up, but are still having sex and he also is seeing another woman who is married? Just making sure I have it straight here.

 

I'm not really sure what you're asking, if you should feel bad for sleeping with him again while he's with her? There's a good chance she's still with her husband and not telling your ex the full truth there.

 

What is it that you want from your ex? For him to be with you and your child? Live together, like a family? Once you (and him) somehow come to a decision, life will get easier.

[Melovator]

I want him and I to be good parental unit for our son, that's number one. Then I want to be friends, he is my best friend. I enjoy being his lover but would give it up if it got in the way of the other two, or of my ability to be the best mother to my son that I can.

He's going through a tough time (like I said b4 not excusing him) and right now I don't think he's capabale of having a good relationship with anyone because he doesn't have one with himself. Which is why I have no delusions about him coming back to me. I'm getting on with my own thing, writing, being with friends, exercising (have lost a lot of weight recently), renovating the house. I know we will always have at the very least a co-parent relationship and hopefully we'll be friends.

I can't say I don't love him because I do. Right now he's exploring different sides to his personality that he never has before, he's always been a fly straight, work hard kind of guy. I don't expect that at the end of the process he's going to get down on his hands and knees to me.

But I enjoy his companya nd his conversation and I want to keep enjoying the time we spend together and we've been starting to have conversations that we couldn't while he was still in the house full-time.

I guess I'm caught between feeling bad that she's getting the same treatment i got (ie not knowing he's sleeping with someone else) and obviously didn't like, and just thinking 'too bad, too sad sweety, what can you expect?'