Ssheena Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 My daughter is graduating from high school tommorrow and her father, his girlfriend (the one he left me for), his mom and dad and his niece are all here in town for it. My daughter wants to keep us apart as much as possible - which is ok with me, I know I could control how I act, what I say, but I hate him. I hate her for "pretending" to be my friend, she was a coworker and I used to cover her butt while she would be goofing off in HIS hugely successful sport store. My children both like her. His family has tons of money so they are used to just buying people and things. I haven't seen his mother since I left Germany in '95. I have only seen him very rarely and never for longer than 15 minutes. I haven't seen his girlfriend since we worked together as he lied about her the entire time and sent me and the kids to the states with the promise that he would think about our relationship. When I came back to the Germany he had already moved out of our house and in with her. It's his MO. I'm feeling pushed aside for him and his family - he has been in town since Wednesday and I haven't seen my kids for more than an hour since then. They are going to Germany with him and his "shlampe" for 6 weeks like they usually do in the summer on the 7th but until then they are in town. Oh, and to top it all off, they are all doing something with my parents on Sunday while I am at work. Yup, I'm an only child and my parents like him and his parents. My parents stay with his parents when they go to Germany, my parents send him presents. Maybe I'm just looking at this as, ohhh poor me, but if my only daughter or son's wife or husband cheated on her, didn't give her a chance etc., I sure as heck won't be as close to them as my parents are. Reinforces the feeling I've had all my life about my parents. They just shouldn't have had a child - too selfish. So tomorrow I have to put on a happy face and be polite to them and I'm just feeling second rate right now. I am well aware that this is only about my daughter tomorrow. This is her day etc. But, any words of wisdom from anyone? My mantra for tomorrow is going to be, it's just one day, it's just one day, it's all about her, it's all about her.
InvisibleTouch Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Ssheena, No wonder you are confused! What on earth are your parents doing? Re tomorrow, you are absolutely right, this is about you supporting your daughter (something your parents need to learn about) The one ingredient you need more than anything is strength. If you can, you must not shy away from these people but show them (politely) that despite all the pain you can behave in a cordial and civil way. If they greet you, politely greet them back and move on. I wouldn't get drawn into conversations with anyone appart from your kids. Although this will be tough on you the message you will be sending is that you are a proud and strong woman with dignity and that will create nothing but respect. Once you have done your duty get the hell out of there and have a large whiskey!
Author Ssheena Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Thanks. That's about what I plan on doing. At least I have some friends here to be with me afterwords and we are so going to happy hour. My parents are very "good" Christians and have forgiven everyone. Of course, these are the same people who told me I was giving up on my marriage (he gave up on it), the same people that no one was going to want to marry a ready made family and that I would never get married again and the same people who told me I didn't try hard enough. Nice, huh. No wonder I've been through years of therapy. However, I did just drive my daughter down to graduation and the entire time she complained about how they are being it's all about them and what they want to do and haven't asked her what she wants to do at all. She is allowed (yup) to spend today with me and my parents and her brother if she wants but I told her she can do whatever she wants so she is going to a bunch of parties. She couldn't even go to her senior bbq cause they "had" to go shopping. Oh well. I'll be ok. I am a good mom and she loves me and knows how much she means to me. Thanks for the suggestions, I'll just substitute beer or margaritas (or both) for the whiskey.
polywog Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Cripes, Ssheena, I just found your post while rummaging around the "coping" thread.... what a story.... I hate your exH, too, now... and her, well, no comment. And your parents, I don't have any right to be pissed off, since I am here in cyberspace a virtual stranger, but.... it is just wrong for you to have to face all this crap alone. I never knew your story, but like you a lot, and so I just wish I could be there today as part of your posse to give you support and go out for margaritas afterwards. It's so obvious that you are devoted to your daughter in a soul kind of way, so I hope this helped to get you through this trial. Post an update, OK?
funkybassplayer Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Its a crap situation, what else can you do but be there with your head held high. i mean the situation is bad from so many angles, but what can you do? nothing! just be strong see it out.
Author Ssheena Posted June 3, 2007 Author Posted June 3, 2007 I'm always amazed at how strong I can be when I have to be. I didn't know how I would react or anything beforehand but I was determined to be polite and take the high road and I did. The first thing I did was tell them thank you for coming and how much it meant to my daughter that they did and give his mom and dad hugs. I even took a picture of them all with her for them. After that though I hightailed it out of there and went home. My daughter called and wanted to know if it would "upset" me if she went out to lunch with my parents and his entire family to which I said not it wouldn't upset me but I had thought we were going to my parents for lunch. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to spend the rest of the day with me (!!!) and that she was hungry. She had already told me how much it was tiring her out having to do things with them. So I went and picked her up and we came home, I made her a delicious lunch and then we were going to watch a movie but she went and took a 2.5 hour nap. Then we went to the comic book store and she got to pick out a bunch of books to read. She loved all the ballons I got for her, especially the special on of a unicorn (that kind of looks my little pony-ish) and I am very, very, very glad that I am positive she knows that her mommy loves her and is very proud of her (which even at my advanced age, I don't believe about my mother). Thank you for all your strength. Oh and Poly, this isn't why I came to LS initially. This is just the really bad foundation of my life and why things are always a tad off skilter with my love life. I could go on and on about my parents and the absolutely thoughtless things they say to both me and my children and I wish there was an easy way to just snap my fingers and forgive them but for now, I've settled with being glad that I can compare my parenting skills to theirs and know they are just wack! Get this.. they actually told my kids that one day they were going to come home and my old lady dog (she's about 11 and a 90 some pound German Shep) would be dead (because I don't take good care of her, because she is old, because she looks "sad", etc, etc.). Then when I spend over $2000 on one of my cats, I get the old, that cat's not worth that much money. What can ya do? I just shake my head and tell myself they are wrong. Hoping you all have a great Sunday!
InvisibleTouch Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Well done Ssheena!! The one person who attributed value to how you conducted yourself was the most important person there - your daughter! Her response was to be with you which is such an endorsement of love. Well done! I think you, me and other people on here are all travelling the same route to enlightenment. I had an abusive relationship which I wasn't aware of until it had ended, and then I was left alone wondering what the hell happened. The pain was, and still is very real but unlike then I now have more answers as to what happened. Healing has many stages but right now im at the stage where I have been spending a lot of time looking at the type of person I am and more importantly the influences in my life that have made me the type of person I am. Inevitably the clues have finally led me back to my parents. On the surface they are kind, loving fun people but when I look deeper I can now see their "damaged" side which I never saw before. The hard thing is understanding the net effect this has had on me as an individual. I have to change aspects of my personality in order to compensate for the whacky bits I have inherited from them and their parents! Deep stuff and tough!
Recommended Posts