ruby_gloom Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 i'm really, really sad today. more sad than i've been in a while. i'm just really irritated with myself. and i'm completely upset in that i feel that even after all of this time, i still don't know how to properly handle many situations. and then there are those particular situations that make me feel terrible: the ones where you know something is wrong but you don't know why, and thus don't know how to go about making it better. some say that one shouldn't worry about these kinds of situations, but i do. and a lot. it bothers me to no end when i know something is wrong, but not what is wrong, and thus don't know what to do or say to help the situation. ahh. i don't even know what i'm babbling about. i'm just really sad today. i came in really late to work because i just felt so bad in the morning. i didn't get any sleep last night--just tossed and turned and thought and thought about things, but came to no good conclusion. well, to no conclusion at all, really. and yet for some reason i feel like everything's my fault; that i must have done something wrong. and i can't felt but feel really strongly that from here on, things are going to be really bad for me again for the following months. argh. i want to cry, but i'm at work. goddammit.
Touche Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Aww, here's a hug for you, Ruby. I know I'm not your favorite person in the world and I eat meat and all, but I don't want to see you sad. You're a sweetheart, and you have much to offer this world. You're smart and funny. And I envy your writing skills so much. We all get down now and then for no particular reason or for many reasons. Just ride it out. You'll be ok. It's only temporary, you know.
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 i came in really late to work because i just felt so bad in the morning. i didn't get any sleep last night--just tossed and turned and thought and thought about things, but came to no good conclusion. well, to no conclusion at all, really. and yet for some reason i feel like everything's my fault; that i must have done something wrong. and i can't felt but feel really strongly that from here on, things are going to be really bad for me again for the following months. argh. i want to cry, but i'm at work. goddammit. Okay hun. This is not good - you can't allow your emotions (whatever they are) to interfere with your life, you'll go nutty!! (HUG) We all have bad days, but you can't keep feeling like this. Have you seen a therapist? I'm a HUGE fan of therapists..... ((HUG))
Storyrider Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 So sorry you're feeling sad Ruby. You are such a sweet and loving person. I know how you feel, but I hope it won't last. Something will change, or you will make something change. Maybe it isn't as bad as it seems. Do you want to get more specific about what is going on?
polywog Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Aw ruby-g, I've had a whole week like that . I blame it on the Blue Moon (rare second full moon in one month) yesterday. On my sad thread, everyone told me not to be hard on myself for feeling so pathetic. So I bequeath their advice to me, to you. It just happens, it's like bad weather that passes through. Hugs to you. Just let it happen and it will pass.
Pyro Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 i'm really, really sad today. more sad than i've been in a while. i'm just really irritated with myself. and i'm completely upset in that i feel that even after all of this time, i still don't know how to properly handle many situations. and then there are those particular situations that make me feel terrible: the ones where you know something is wrong but you don't know why, and thus don't know how to go about making it better. some say that one shouldn't worry about these kinds of situations, but i do. and a lot. it bothers me to no end when i know something is wrong, but not what is wrong, and thus don't know what to do or say to help the situation. ahh. i don't even know what i'm babbling about. i'm just really sad today. i came in really late to work because i just felt so bad in the morning. i didn't get any sleep last night--just tossed and turned and thought and thought about things, but came to no good conclusion. well, to no conclusion at all, really. and yet for some reason i feel like everything's my fault; that i must have done something wrong. and i can't felt but feel really strongly that from here on, things are going to be really bad for me again for the following months. argh. i want to cry, but i'm at work. goddammit. Care to talk about it with us? Thats what we are here for.
Author ruby_gloom Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Aww, here's a hug for you, Ruby. I know I'm not your favorite person in the world and I eat meat and all, but I don't want to see you sad. You're a sweetheart, and you have much to offer this world. You're smart and funny. And I envy your writing skills so much. We all get down now and then for no particular reason or for many reasons. Just ride it out. You'll be ok. It's only temporary, you know. i actually do like you a lot. it's a weird relationship we seem to have. or for me, anyways. but you shouldn't envy me. there's nothing that i have that you don't--and in a better quality and quantity. i know we all have out bad days, but for me it seem like a bad life. well, not all my life rather these past few years. i do feel like i've tried to fix things, but in the end nothing seems fixed at all. and it feels like, ultimately, i've done nothing to move forward, even though i feel i have. like it's all a fantasy that i make where i think i'm doing better, but the reality shows that it's not. i don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes i feel like i've been so busy trying to fix the windown while the rest of the house is falling down. Okay hun. This is not good - you can't allow your emotions (whatever they are) to interfere with your life, you'll go nutty!! (HUG) We all have bad days, but you can't keep feeling like this. Have you seen a therapist? I'm a HUGE fan of therapists..... ((HUG)) thanks, star. you see, i still don't know how to do that. to me, emotions are part of life and as such, they have to interfere, whether in a good way or a bad way. i guess what you're trying to tell me is to not let my emotions interfere negatively with my life to the point where i let everything get out of hand and control because of them. and again, i know everyone has bad days, but mine seem to be so many. and when i think about it, i can't help think that it's my fault. i don't want to sound like 'oh, pooor me' or anything because that would imply that everything that happens to me is the byproduct of another's actions, and i don't think that is my case. i believe that i make a lot of wrong decisions, and i feel really stupid because i *think* that i am making the right ones, when they in fact to be the wrong ones in the end. it makes me feel really brain damaged because i think i'm doing things right, but then things blow up in my face as clear indicators that i did things wrong. and what's worse is that i don't know why. some therapists might say that all of what i'm putting myself through is the repercussion of the childhood that i saw and that in a way i am trying to mimick my past lifestyle because that is what i am used to, and that even if it is hurtful, it is better--in my mind--to live in habitual hurt than to try to live in new circumstances. blah blah blah blah. but that's not true. i'm not purposely doint it. i'm not insane, like they think i am. i want to be happy, and if not happy, just at least 'okay.' i know this might be a bad attitude, but i honestly feel that there is no such thing as lasting happiness--that you get bits and pieces of it from time to time. in this case, happiness becomes like the icing on the cake--the cake being contentment, and okay-satisfaction. and that's what i want. and i've been trying to achieve. i'm just an overly emotional person, but i have been trying to stabilize myself when i feel like i'm going to start crying out rivers. and i haven't been crying as often; not because i don't want to, but because i'm trying not to. some say that to be able to do this is strength, but i'm not sure i want the kind of strength that slowly but surely eats me away internally. and i've also been breaking my nasty habits. i haven't been drinking, not that i've ever been one to drink much, but i haven't had any drinks in a good long time. i also haven't been smoking weed, which is what i used to do religiously in order to visit the happy place that allowed me a momentray refuge. i loved it and i still do and i still think that place is better, but i know i can't live in a dream forever, so i've been trying and i think i've been doing well. oh and i also stopped smoking. i don't know if it's permanent, but i haven't done it in a while, which is good considering i used to smoke a lot. this i did for my health and also because i don't think the trees like the smell of it and i think it's unfair i pollute the air for them. poor trees. so when i think of this, i think i'm doing okay, but i'm not. i still just want to stick my head in the sand and never bring it back out. that said, i have tried therapy and they thought i was crazy. i'm not crazy. i'm just mistaken. So sorry you're feeling sad Ruby. You are such a sweet and loving person. I know how you feel, but I hope it won't last. Something will change, or you will make something change. Maybe it isn't as bad as it seems. Do you want to get more specific about what is going on? thanks story. actually, that's part of the problem. i don't want to sound arrogant or full of myself or anything (if that's even possible), but i know that maybe i'm not that smart or practical or funny or interesting or cool or whatever, but i do think i'm nice. i try to be. and i don't fake it or anything; i just can't help it. it makes me sad when other people are sad, so it makes sense to me to not do think to make them feel bad or sad. i don't like it when they do it to me, so i chose not to do it to them. sure, i'm positive i'm hurt a good handful of people, of course, but i don't mean to. and i really try not to. and i am loving. maybe too much, but even if i don't receive any affection (or seems like i don't), i still try to give it out. it's just the way i am. i'm a sap. i cry when ladybugs die. (well...) but really, i'm just like that. but it doesn't matter. it's not enough. it's not enough that i try to be good and understanding and caring and loving and supportive--it's not enough. it's just not good enough. ever. and i feel like maybe i have the wrong traits for life. Aw ruby-g, I've had a whole week like that . I blame it on the Blue Moon (rare second full moon in one month) yesterday. On my sad thread, everyone told me not to be hard on myself for feeling so pathetic. So I bequeath their advice to me, to you. It just happens, it's like bad weather that passes through. Hugs to you. Just let it happen and it will pass. hah, funny you should say that because last night was a nasty night. well, *the* nasty night. i took out my pendulum because, if nothing else, it gives me (silly) comfort and i started asking it questions and--i kid you not--but it broke! it just snapped from the chain, hit the floor, and chipped a little bit. i felt worse. like 'oh great, just what i needed.' i'm telling you, everything in my life breaks. it's like a theme. and i think it's trying to say that it breaks because i am broken myself. Care to talk about it with us? Thats what we are here for. well, i'm trying. sometimes i read other's posts and i feel so envious, even if they are in bad situations. i don't mean this in a bad way, but i get jealous at the dignity some people have in handling things. it's, like, they do it so well, even if they are hurting, and i wish i could be that way, but i'm not. and i know you'll say that i can be if i try, but i do try, and i just can't. dealing with things always takes a big chunk out of me and leaves me drained and empty and miserable. you know, like i just don't know how to deal with things properly. one thing especially. sigh. i feel so awful. :(
Pyro Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 iwell, i'm trying. sometimes i read other's posts and i feel so envious, even if they are in bad situations. i don't mean this in a bad way, but i get jealous at the dignity some people have in handling things. it's, like, they do it so well, even if they are hurting, and i wish i could be that way, but i'm not. and i know you'll say that i can be if i try, but i do try, and i just can't. dealing with things always takes a big chunk out of me and leaves me drained and empty and miserable. you know, like i just don't know how to deal with things properly. one thing especially. sigh. i feel so awful. :( We didn't always have the answer. We didn't always know how to handle things with dignity. We all have been at the point where we didn't know what we were doing and it sucked. All that I can say is that it will get better. Just keep your chin up and learn and grow from what you see and experience. That is how we learn to handle things with dignity. Its not going to happen overnite so just hang in there.
Author ruby_gloom Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Its not going to happen overnite so just hang in there. yea, be hanged is exactly what i'd like right about now. where's dr. k?
Pyro Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 yea, be hanged is exactly what i'd like right about now. where's dr. k? Oh stop it. You are starting to sound like your BF B4R. Like the avatar.
alphamale Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 well the only advice I can give RG is to get screened for depression. other than that i hope u feel better soon
Touche Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Wow, what a post! Where to start, where to start? Well first of all, you want to talk about YEARS of feeling the way you do...can I send you my journal from the time I was about 14 until I was 33? Talk about a long spell of feeling miserable! Sheesh, it was pretty bad at times, let me tell you. Yeah, there were little bursts of happiness here and there, but I was really miserable for all those years. That's why I said this is temporary. It won't be forever. And you don't have to wait until you're 33 like I did to be happy. You can start now if you really want to. But I worry that you don't now have that capacity for happiness. You know why I say that? Because of your pendulum example. Had that happened to me, at your age when I was also so miserable, know what I would have done? I would have sat there and laughed (not cried) alone in my room, at the utter irony and ridiculousness of life. See, I always maintained my sense of humor, even when I was at my lowest. I have always found something to laugh about..especially when it comes, and when it came, to myself. If you lose that, then you will really lose in the end. Your life will become a self-fulfilling prophecy filled with gloom and doom. But if you laugh at life in the face, you can sometimes come out a winner. Shoot for THAT, Ruby. And forget the therapists and what they say..you see I'm a big proponent AGAINST them. They don't know their asses from apple butter, as a good friend of mine likes to say. As to your other comments...did it ever occur to you that some of what you're going through now regarding your moods, may have to do with quitting a couple of vices lately. That in itself will take a toll on us mentally AND physically, even under the best of life circumstances. Believe me, I know. So cut yourself a little slack there. You should be proud of your accomplishments. It takes a very strong person to cut out those physically addicting substances. And, Ruby..I like you a lot too. I know it's a strange relationship we have (where is our boy by the way?) but friendships come in all forms, don't they?
Author ruby_gloom Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Oh stop it. You are starting to sound like your BF B4R. Like the avatar. boyfriends . . . boyfriends . . . i just don't understand, riddler. and it's causing me so much sadness. sigh. i don't know how to explain it, besides saying that i wish i understood. well the only advice I can give RG is to get screened for depression. other than that i hope u feel better soon thanks, alpha. i have been screened for that, but therapy is nonsense.
Pyro Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 boyfriends . . . boyfriends . . . i just don't understand, riddler. and it's causing me so much sadness. sigh. i don't know how to explain it, besides saying that i wish i understood. I wish that you were able to as well. I would like to help. If you can find a way to say it, then let me know.
Author ruby_gloom Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Wow, what a post! Where to start, where to start? Well first of all, you want to talk about YEARS of feeling the way you do...can I send you my journal from the time I was about 14 until I was 33? Talk about a long spell of feeling miserable! Sheesh, it was pretty bad at times, let me tell you. Yeah, there were little bursts of happiness here and there, but I was really miserable for all those years. sure you can. i know that someday . . . someday . . . things will get better. i believe in balance and that means that things can't stay bad forever, if you know what i mean. but i'm scared that, like you, i'm right on my way to a good chunk of my life feelings miserable. as i said, i don't want to, i really don't, but i'm just afraid i don't know how to make it better. again, i think i'm doing things the right way, but the end results show otherwise. That's why I said this is temporary. It won't be forever. And you don't have to wait until you're 33 like I did to be happy. You can start now if you really want to. yea, you see, i don't know how, as you said. maybe i don't have the capacity. i don't know. But I worry that you don't now have that capacity for happiness. You know why I say that? Because of your pendulum example. Had that happened to me, at your age when I was also so miserable, know what I would have done? I would have sat there and laughed (not cried) alone in my room, at the utter irony and ridiculousness of life. See, I always maintained my sense of humor, even when I was at my lowest. I have always found something to laugh about..especially when it comes, and when it came, to myself. i used to have a good sense of humor. maybe i wasn't very funny, but i could at least laugh at all sorts of things. somewhere along the line i lost it, though, and now i don't have any. nothing is funny. especially right now. i feel like i'm going to show off my maturity and start whining. why, touche? whyyy?? And forget the therapists and what they say..you see I'm a big proponent AGAINST them. They don't know their asses from apple butter, as a good friend of mine likes to say. i used to think they were all well and good, but not so much anymore, so i agree with you there. which is really ironic because i'm studying psychology. i need to switch. asap. As to your other comments...did it ever occur to you that some of what you're going through now regarding your moods, may have to do with quitting a couple of vices lately. That in itself will take a toll on us mentally AND physically, even under the best of life circumstances. Believe me, I know. So cut yourself a little slack there. You should be proud of your accomplishments. It takes a very strong person to cut out those physically addicting substances. yea, actually it did. i thought so, but after thinking some more, i realized that i'm not really being 'moody.' i've been pretty mellow, like always. the only reason why i feel so apocalyptic right now is because of something that happened last night. another house falling while i was busy cleaning the window, i guess. it just caught me totally off guard and i don't even know why it went wrong, but it did. and i want to fix it, but i don't know because i don't know what's wrong. just that *something* is. it just really got to me and i've been feeling so awful ever since. before this, i had been doing not so bad, so i don't think this is so much a byproduct of the withdrawal, but rather a product of last night. :( And, Ruby..I like you a lot too. I know it's a strange relationship we have (where is our boy by the way?) but friendships come in all forms, don't they? he's out somewhere driving a truck, i think. or at the tranny bars. probably the latter.
Touche Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 sure you can. i know that someday . . . someday . . . things will get better. i believe in balance and that means that things can't stay bad forever, if you know what i mean. but i'm scared that, like you, i'm right on my way to a good chunk of my life feelings miserable. as i said, i don't want to, i really don't, but i'm just afraid i don't know how to make it better. again, i think i'm doing things the right way, but the end results show otherwise. yea, you see, i don't know how, as you said. maybe i don't have the capacity. i don't know. i used to have a good sense of humor. maybe i wasn't very funny, but i could at least laugh at all sorts of things. somewhere along the line i lost it, though, and now i don't have any. nothing is funny. especially right now. i feel like i'm going to show off my maturity and start whining. why, touche? whyyy?? i used to think they were all well and good, but not so much anymore, so i agree with you there. which is really ironic because i'm studying psychology. i need to switch. asap. yea, actually it did. i thought so, but after thinking some more, i realized that i'm not really being 'moody.' i've been pretty mellow, like always. the only reason why i feel so apocalyptic right now is because of something that happened last night. another house falling while i was busy cleaning the window, i guess. it just caught me totally off guard and i don't even know why it went wrong, but it did. and i want to fix it, but i don't know because i don't know what's wrong. just that *something* is. it just really got to me and i've been feeling so awful ever since. before this, i had been doing not so bad, so i don't think this is so much a byproduct of the withdrawal, but rather a product of last night. :( he's out somewhere driving a truck, i think. or at the tranny bars. probably the latter. We need to take this into a private arena, Ruby.
johan Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 This is self-hate at its worst. And the tragedy is that this is needless. You should learn to forgive yourself, Ruby_Gloom. You need to be kinder to yourself, because you are just doing your best in life. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend who you really care about. You would never hate them, even if you didn't approve of all that they did. You would treat them with love and respect and an occasional nudge or two in a better direction, if needed. You would be honest with them, but you'd still enjoy their company. And you'd only do and say good things to them. That's how you need to treat yourself. Like someone you care about.
champagne Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 i'm really, really sad today. more sad than i've been in a while. i'm just really irritated with myself. and i'm completely upset in that i feel that even after all of this time, i still don't know how to properly handle many situations. and then there are those particular situations that make me feel terrible: the ones where you know something is wrong but you don't know why, and thus don't know how to go about making it better. some say that one shouldn't worry about these kinds of situations, but i do. and a lot. it bothers me to no end when i know something is wrong, but not what is wrong, and thus don't know what to do or say to help the situation. ahh. i don't even know what i'm babbling about. i'm just really sad today. i came in really late to work because i just felt so bad in the morning. i didn't get any sleep last night--just tossed and turned and thought and thought about things, but came to no good conclusion. well, to no conclusion at all, really. and yet for some reason i feel like everything's my fault; that i must have done something wrong. and i can't felt but feel really strongly that from here on, things are going to be really bad for me again for the following months. argh. i want to cry, but i'm at work. goddammit. I'm sorry. Do you have someone you can talk to?
Storyrider Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Can you talk about what happened last night? Or PM me if you want.
Touche Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 This is self-hate at its worst. And the tragedy is that this is needless. You should learn to forgive yourself, Ruby_Gloom. You need to be kinder to yourself, because you are just doing your best in life. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend who you really care about. You would never hate them, even if you didn't approve of all that they did. You would treat them with love and respect and an occasional nudge or two in a better direction, if needed. You would be honest with them, but you'd still enjoy their company. And you'd only do and say good things to them. That's how you need to treat yourself. Like someone you care about. What heartfelt words. And I do hope you take them to heart my friend.
Author ruby_gloom Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 This is self-hate at its worst. And the tragedy is that this is needless. You should learn to forgive yourself, Ruby_Gloom. You need to be kinder to yourself, because you are just doing your best in life. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend who you really care about. You would never hate them, even if you didn't approve of all that they did. You would treat them with love and respect and an occasional nudge or two in a better direction, if needed. You would be honest with them, but you'd still enjoy their company. And you'd only do and say good things to them. That's how you need to treat yourself. Like someone you care about. what makes you think i would be this way with a friend? maybe i would be just as nasty with them as i am with myself. or maybe not. regardless, i can't forgive myself. i hadn't even thought about it that way, but now that you've brought it up, i have to say that i can't; not when i keep making the same mistakes. over and over again. i'm just really upset at myself. i just wish i wasn't so inept when it came to dealing with certain (most) things. and to think that i thought i was doing things right only to later find out that i wasn't--well, that makes me feel accomplished. and i don't feel happy about 'breaking' my habits. oh wow--i'm not doing things to harm my body anymore. how great. ugh. this sucks and it won't stop sucking, goddammit. and now i can't sleep. i was bored and sad and blah blah blah, so i drew a boring and sad and blah blah blah picture: http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/benrokuju/scan0001.jpg i wish i could draw better.
Trialbyfire Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 That's an awesome drawing RG. How can you negate it? I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. If you feel comfortable enough, why not post a couple of situations. They might not be as bad as you perceive them to be. Sometimes we beat ourselves up a lot over something that we realize later, wasn't so horrible or wasn't something within our control.
funkybassplayer Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 We all get sad, iv been like that for 6 weeks since i lost my ex and her 3 kids. Its a hard life, feel what you have to feel, dont try to cover your emotions, it will make you feel worse. Life is full of ups and downs and emaotins, we have these for life. Go with what you feel and be yourself. If you have something to say to your ex, maybe say it, you only live once and so what if they know you still like them! Its the truth and you have a right to say it. Doent meen your week. Sometimes its better to break no contact than to suffer at wanting to say something.
polywog Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 thanks, alpha. i have been screened for that, but therapy is nonsense. Honey, no, therapy is Not always nonsense. Take it from me, who has benefitted from therapy many times, as I saw it as a tool...like taking the car in for a tune-up or valve job. You choose a therapist the way you'd choose a mechanic or a surgeon; recommendations + chemstry; someone that feels right for you and your (brain/soul or car). And I have been treated for depression, thank god. Why not? Diabetics get treated for insulen problems, it's no different with seratonin. Don't be so dismissive, it's not in your best interest.
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