Longing Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 How is it that my affair with a MW ended over two years ago and I am still longing for her? I ended our year-and-a-half affair because it wasn't fair to me! I was serving as a supplement to her life and selling myself short- I deserve more. I have really tried to move on. I literally moved 1200 miles away, hoping for a fresh start. I have tried dating, but haven't dated anyone seriously. After a stint of NC, we began talking on the phone sporadically (once a month or less); but haven't seen each other in nearly two years. Most of these conversations have been brief and friendly, but a few conversations including the one we had yesterday was very open, honest, loving and heartfelt. We talked very candidly about how we feel about each other and how much we long to see each other. It's like no time has passed. My heart is so connected to her. She made the conscious decision to stay in her relationship. I try to respect her decision, but then get confused by how connected we are too each other. Her W is out of town right now, and I was tempted to fly in to see her- but stopped myself. We would have a wonderful weekend and i would leave in despair that we aren't together. There are moments (only moments) where I think that rekindling our affair (while far from an ideal relationship) would be better than this separation from her. Some part of me keeps hoping that she will decide to leave. She says that she has decided to remain in her relationship permanently, but then comments that with her luck, when their relationship ends I will be in a loving, happy relationship. Comments like that give me hope that "our time will come." At times I think I should once again stop all communication- that I am fooling myself to think we can be "just friends" - but then that leaves me miserable. It's like I can't win. I'm miserable regardless. I have not really dated since we ended our relationship. I keep thinking that if I can find happiness with or even just be distracted by an available woman that maybe I will begin to move on. Yet, I don't find people I want to date. I'm so frustrated. When I ended our relationship, I expected to grieve the loss and go through all of the emotions associated with ending an A- the guilt, the rage, etc., but I REALLY thought that I would move on. That I was freeing myself up for a REAL relationship... it's been over two years and I'm still waiting... I suppose I am writing this in an effort to get insight about the situation and words of wisdom from OW/OM who have successfully moved on after their affair despite feeling like they have found their "soul mate."
messit Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 The way I've been surviving as an OM is in the knowledge that I will be moving 2000 miles away in a year-ish. That it will force a break and a restart. Sounds like it might be more difficult than I anticipate. Thanks for describing your situation.
Jinxx Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I suppose I am writing this in an effort to get insight about the situation and words of wisdom from OW/OM who have successfully moved on after their affair despite feeling like they have found their "soul mate." I am an XOW (legally separated) and still working on it so I don't know if can be much help. Granted it has only been since the beginning of the year and I still have to see him every now and then since we both work second jobs at the same place. Plus our daughters are good friends. I find comfort in doing activities and hobbies I enjoy. With summer here there are tons of distractions. Wishing you the best of luck. It is not easy and extremely painful and lonely at times.
Mustang Sally Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I am sure you will get more good advice from others here. But it seems to me that you are continuing to "feed" this relationship by continuing to have some/any contact with this person. If you want to eventually move on, then I agree with the general sentiment here that you must have strict no contact. That means NO CONTACT. No emails. No brief, if friendly, phone conversations. And definitely no heartfelt long chats or meetings. Until you starve this malignant relationship (if you will) and it is allowed to die (however slowly and/or painfully) it will continue to drain you and leave you "longing." If you maintain NC as required to end the relationship, then you will finally be able to move on and start LIVING. JMO. Good luck, keep us posted.
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I am one of those OWs who has been able to move on and I'm very proud to say so! I spent 7 years believing exMM was my soulmate and its been 2 1/2 yrs since its demise. Figure you had 1 1/2 yrs. I had a 7 yr R with him. So I know of what I speak! And I managed to do it! How, you ask? While I don't know the particulars of your situation, what worked for me was realizing I was being fed lies upon lies and promises upon promises. Eventually I got tired of the drama and wanted more for myself. You must stop contact with her! There is NO WAY you will get past this as long as you communicate with her. You have to be actively involved in making your life better, wanting it FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! If it makes you feel better, think that you'll be together in another life, but FOR NOW! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! You are pining away, wasting years and years of your very precious time here on earth! BE PROACTIVE!!!!!!!!! My exMM has contacted me since the end, by cowardly leavings gifts on my porch, on my car, sending messages through friends. But not face to face where I would have loved to have nailed him to the wall and told him how so over him I was! And just a few weeks ago we passed each other on the road. For the first time since it ended. He was parked getting ready to go. I could have easily stopped. I had every opportunity to look or stop. I had every opportunity to look him straight in the eye. In that split second, I made the right decision FOR ME!! I didn't look at him with googly sorrowful loving eyes! I didn't look at him with hate. I didn't pull over and confront him. Instead, I drove past looking straight ahead. I didn't give him an inch. I was and have been done with the games. When he kept leaving his W for me and then going back, he had all kinds of excuses. All those years, he gave me many reasons to feel the way I do and make it easy on me to feel this way now. You don't give details in your story. At first glance, it appears all was wonderful but just not destined to be. Where is more of your story? If you look into these threads, you may find some tidbits of behavior that mirror that of your exMW to perhaps give you clarity. One therapist I had seen (among many and this was one I did not like at all) told me to allow myself to cry and let all my sorrow and anguish out, but just for 5 minutes. And then stop myself! Do not let it linger more than that. And then do whatever it takes to get myself out of that state I was in! I thought she was nuts! Funny, how the one therapist I didn't like was right about this one thing! It worked!!!!! You can do it. You have to make yourself do it! More importantly, please go out and live!!!!!!!!!! Stop wasting and pining away. What you bring to a relationship with any other woman is what you get back. If you go in halfhearted, you will get halfhearted back.
torranceshipman Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I moved on very quick because I realised that the MM had been spinning a web of lies, and it made me sick that he had abused his friendship with me, and lied to make the A happen. I hate liars, and cheats, and I also think he is weak and lacking in character to act that way - he's sleazy. I honestly do wonder why it takes people such a long time to move on. Whilst in the A, I believed the lies, so thought the guy was honest, a sweetheart, sincere, a good guy, basically, and the kind of guy I'd fall for...but the moment I understood what was going on it kind of sickened me, and I realised the guy I thought I fell for didnt even exist. When a person lies and disrespects you, or you see them continually lie to their W or partner/family, where is the attraction?? I despise that kind of quality in a person - it signals weakness and no backbone - pathetic. And I still have to work with the guy, and every day I see him, thats one more day where he's still lying to his partner by not telling the truth that he had an A with me - sleazebag. Can't believe I went anywhere near the sleazebag now. Funny, because at the time of the A, I felt the same as everyone on here - he's my soulmate, blah blah...nope - just a charmer with no balls or moral integrity.
Author Longing Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Wow, what great responses! Thanks so much for your feedback and insight- I have lots of comments/questions... I honestly do wonder why it takes people such a long time to move on. Whilst in the A, I believed the lies, so thought the guy was honest, a sweetheart, sincere, a good guy, basically, and the kind of guy I'd fall for...but the moment I understood what was going on it kind of sickened me, and I realised the guy I thought I fell for didnt even exist. When a person lies and disrespects you, or you see them continually lie to their W or partner/family, where is the attraction?? I despise that kind of quality in a person - it signals weakness and no backbone - pathetic. I wish I could get your mindset. I had it for a little while, but it was fueled my anger and not by a genuine shift in my thinking. I have tried to grasp that the woman I am in love with doesn't truly exist- rather only exists in my perception. There are moments that my intellect can reframe things in that way, then my heart screws it all up. The way I've been surviving as an OM is in the knowledge that I will be moving 2000 miles away in a year-ish. That it will force a break and a restart. Sounds like it might be more difficult than I anticipate. Just don't make the mistake I have made- the distance alone (while new surroundings and habits may help) won't do it. I need to heed the advice of many on here- and stop all contact. Hang in there! But it seems to me that you are continuing to "feed" this relationship by continuing to have some/any contact with this person. If you want to eventually move on, then I agree with the general sentiment here that you must have strict no contact. That means NO CONTACT. No emails. No brief, if friendly, phone conversations. And definitely no heartfelt long chats or meetings. Until you starve this malignant relationship (if you will) and it is allowed to die (however slowly and/or painfully) it will continue to drain you and leave you "longing." If you maintain NC as required to end the relationship, then you will finally be able to move on and start LIVING. Mustang Sally- I think you are completely right. I need to stop all communication and don't lie to myself saying we can be friends. That always seems easier said than done for me. I know she is going to call later tonight. I am thinking of reading my past journals where I wrote about the pain of being the OW to help me get grounded in what the A was really like; and turn my phone off. I know she will be confused, but I really don't owe her an explanation (and don't trust myself right now to do so) I am one of those OWs who has been able to move on and I'm very proud to say so! ... You must stop contact with her! There is NO WAY you will get past this as long as you communicate with her. You have to be actively involved in making your life better, wanting it FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! If it makes you feel better, think that you'll be together in another life, but FOR NOW! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! You are pining away, wasting years and years of your very precious time here on earth! BE PROACTIVE!!!!!!!!!... ...You don't give details in your story. At first glance, it appears all was wonderful but just not destined to be. Where is more of your story? If you look into these threads, you may find some tidbits of behavior that mirror that of your exMW to perhaps give you clarity. One therapist I had seen (among many and this was one I did not like at all) told me to allow myself to cry and let all my sorrow and anguish out, but just for 5 minutes. And then stop myself! Do not let it linger more than that. And then do whatever it takes to get myself out of that state I was in! I thought she was nuts! Funny, how the one therapist I didn't like was right about this one thing! It worked!!!!! You can do it. You have to make yourself do it! More importantly, please go out and live!!!!!!!!!! Stop wasting and pining away. What you bring to a relationship with any other woman is what you get back. If you go in halfhearted, you will get halfhearted back. You are SO right! I think I intuitively knew I needed to stop our communication, but tried to convince myself otherwise. It is encouraging to hear that you have moved on successfully and don't seem like you are rage-filled. That's where I want to be... apathetic about her. I like the suggestion from your therapist- the five minute rule. It frightens me a little; when I let myself really experience all of my sorrow and anguish I have a hard time pulling myself out it (for example one time I had a conversation with MW, lost myself in my disappointment and grief only to spend the ENTIRE weekend in bed, unable to get myself moving) One of the many elements I liked and appreciate is the emphasis on being proactive and the validation that I need to stop all contact. I'm not going to be moving on until i do. I have already wasted the past four years on her. (I have a few more comments to make- but am having difficulty figuring out the quoting feature... so I'll post another response. Any tips on how to quote sections from many entries is really appreciated!)
RecordProducer Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I think your bigger problem is loneliness and failing to find someone interesting to date rather than yearning for the ex-lover. You're also feeding your heart with false hopes and idealization of your relationship. Try to persuade yourself that it's over, that she chose him, not you, and all she says is just to play with your heart. She is bored and she is full of it. If she truly loved you, she would have been with you now, no matter what her situation was. Women leave their husbands with children and no money all the time. When true love hits us, we convince ourselves that the only right thing to do is to be with the one we love. Nothing else exists. She might have felt good with you, but true love - this was not... for her. Write her off!
Author Longing Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 IIf it makes you feel better, think that you'll be together in another life, but FOR NOW! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!. I find this approach really helpful. I'm not sure if you meant "in another life" as a reincarnation reference- but that works for me. It provides a way to explain the intensity of my feelings for her and the deep connection I feel. That's what has kept me stuck- i feel so strongly for her that i figure this must be "it" - the person I am meant to be with. But to consider that we may have been connected before this life and possibly in other lives after this helps me to digest the intensity of our bond.
Author Longing Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 You don't give details in your story. At first glance, it appears all was wonderful but just not destined to be. Where is more of your story? If you look into these threads, you may find some tidbits of behavior that mirror that of your exMW to perhaps give you clarity. This is my first time posting here- I didn't know how much information to provide (I didn't want to bore anyone)... I can definitely share more details.
Author Longing Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 I think your bigger problem is loneliness and failing to find someone interesting to date rather than yearning for the ex-lover. You're also feeding your heart with false hopes and idealization of your relationship. Try to persuade yourself that it's over, that she chose him, not you, and all she says is just to play with your heart. She is bored and she is full of it. If she truly loved you, she would have been with you now, no matter what her situation was. Women leave their husbands with children and no money all the time. When true love hits us, we convince ourselves that the only right thing to do is to be with the one we love. Nothing else exists. She might have felt good with you, but true love - this was not... for her. Write her off! RP, you are exactly right! (I might have to print out your posting and tape it up as a reminder) People do leave relationships all the time and she doesn't even have the frequent stressors of kids or financial difficulties. Also true is that my perspective would probably be different if I just found another woman interesting- regardless if it went anywhere. My friend keeps trying to convince me to try the online dating approach... I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, but it may provide me with a focus and make me feel like I am actually doing something to affect change in my life.
RecordProducer Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 My friend keeps trying to convince me to try the online dating approach... I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, but it may provide me with a focus and make me feel like I am actually doing something to affect change in my life.It might be really fun, especially if you don't limit yourself to your city. I met my husband on JDate (part of Americansingles). We lived 5,000 miles apart and now we're together. Try several dating sites.
movinon05 Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I find this approach really helpful. I'm not sure if you meant "in another life" as a reincarnation reference- but that works for me. It provides a way to explain the intensity of my feelings for her and the deep connection I feel. That's what has kept me stuck- i feel so strongly for her that i figure this must be "it" - the person I am meant to be with. But to consider that we may have been connected before this life and possibly in other lives after this helps me to digest the intensity of our bond. I felt that way too about the intensity and there could never be anything like it again, but I've gotten past that too. I have no desire to see him in another life either! lol! When I look back now, for me, he was a stepping stone in my life.
movinon05 Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 RP, you are exactly right! (I might have to print out your posting and tape it up as a reminder) People do leave relationships all the time and she doesn't even have the frequent stressors of kids or financial difficulties. Also true is that my perspective would probably be different if I just found another woman interesting- regardless if it went anywhere. My friend keeps trying to convince me to try the online dating approach... I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, but it may provide me with a focus and make me feel like I am actually doing something to affect change in my life. I do online dating now and its quite uplifting. Being treated well. Like a human being. But its also a way to get out, meet new people and just have pleasant experiences. The more pleasant experiences, the more you realize, yeah, I can do this. You must find a way to bring little moments of joy into your own life. And shut down that laying around in bed all day. I know. I did it too. Had major wine drinking/alone pity parties for myself. Believe me, you'll feel much better about yourself if you get yourself out of that mode.
movinon05 Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 It might be really fun, especially if you don't limit yourself to your city. I met my husband on JDate (part of Americansingles). We lived 5,000 miles apart and now we're together. Try several dating sites. Now that's what I like to hear!!!!!! How cool!
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 You have to decide that you really want to close your heart off from her, and the only way to do that is to cut ALL contact, even the phone calls or any emails. the one we had yesterday was very open, honest, loving and heartfelt. We talked very candidly about how we feel about each other and how much we long to see each other. It's like no time has passed. My heart is so connected to her. This is why you're not moving on, by rehashing old wounds, having inappropriate conversations with her, dicussing feelings etc, no wonder you can't close the door...Your mind may know you two will never get together, but your heart doesn't. i feel so strongly for her that i figure this must be "it" - the person I am meant to be with. You may have felt that, but she's married. IF she really felt that exact same way she would have divorced her husband by now. At times I think I should once again stop all communication- that I am fooling myself to think we can be "just friends" - but then that leaves me miserable. It's like I can't win. I'm miserable regardless. You can't be friends with someone you're inlove with once it's over. In rare cases, it's possible, but ALL the feelings of attachment, physical and emotional stuff has to be put away forever. No conversations about feelings, love can happen. I mean, I'm sure you have tons of friends, good ones, but you don't go around talking to them about how you feel about 'em..... I hope you can let her go because when you think about it, what real good is coming of this? You can't meet someone else, or even allow yourself to consider falling for another woman because of your feelings for the MW. You're hurting yourself more by keeping any sort of friendship with her, and it's keeping your heart from moving on.
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