allburnedout Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 If you read my other post, you'll know my OM initiated no contact 2 days ago which neither of us has broken. He's not married, I am. He's just the better person. I'm really upset about this because he really sprung it on me from pretty much nowhere after making some really nice, sweet gestures the couple of days previous to it. I know he's done it because the way our affair makes him behave upsets him. He's a decent guy and hasn't enjoyed the cheating aspect of us at all. This is despite the fact that our relationship has definitely not been about the physical side of things. We've never actually had sex but I'm not going to get into a Clinton-esque argument about it. What we've been doing is wrong, very bad and has been hurting him and making him feel bad about himself. My question is this; How much no contact will it take before I am clear in my mind about my feelings? At the moment I just miss him so much and can't stand the thought of never being with him again. I'm crying all the time for nothing and I just want to be with him. I'm trying really hard to focus on the bad things about us and the things I dislike about him or things he's said that make me feel ashamed, embarassed or sad so I can get him out of my head but it's not happening. There's no way I'll be seeing him for 6 weeks now which is the longest time we've not spoken. texted or seen each other in almost 2 years. I hope by then to have some clear direction on where I am and where I'm going.
hardcase Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 If you read my other post, you'll know my OM initiated no contact 2 days ago which neither of us has broken. He's not married, I am. He's just the better person. I'm really upset about this because he really sprung it on me from pretty much nowhere after making some really nice, sweet gestures the couple of days previous to it. I know he's done it because the way our affair makes him behave upsets him. He's a decent guy and hasn't enjoyed the cheating aspect of us at all. Well I would normally say to sleep with another man's wife...then no..he is not a decent guy. But since he broke it off because he knows it is not right...I'd say you are correct. This is despite the fact that our relationship has definitely not been about the physical side of things. We've never actually had sex but I'm not going to get into a Clinton-esque argument about it. Whether you had sex...or your definition of sex differs from most...or whatever, is irrelevant. Even if you just kissed that guy...that doesn't mitigate the betrayal you are doling out to your husband. What we've been doing is wrong, very bad and has been hurting him and making him feel bad about himself. huh??? What about your husband? You aren't saying a damn thing about how this is hurting or could hurt him? Amazing. My question is this; How much no contact will it take before I am clear in my mind about my feelings? What are you asking? Are you asking how you should justify continuing to betray your husand with this guy? Or are you wanting to break it off and do right by your husband? I would guess the former since you make no mention or show no remorse about what you are doing to your husband. I mean really...to hell with your other man...what about your husband???? At the moment I just miss him so much and can't stand the thought of never being with him again. I'm crying all the time for nothing and I just want to be with him. I'm trying really hard to focus on the bad things about us and the things I dislike about him or things he's said that make me feel ashamed, embarassed or sad so I can get him out of my head but it's not happening. There's no way I'll be seeing him for 6 weeks now which is the longest time we've not spoken. texted or seen each other in almost 2 years. I hope by then to have some clear direction on where I am and where I'm going. I'll ask again...what about your husband? You don't make any mention of him at all!!! Sounds like you don't need to be married. Have you ever thought about filing for divorce since its obvious you could care less about your husband?
Author allburnedout Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Whether you had sex...or your definition of sex differs from most...or whatever, is irrelevant. Even if you just kissed that guy...that doesn't mitigate the betrayal you are doling out to your husband. True and I am not proud of that. huh??? What about your husband? You aren't saying a damn thing about how this is hurting or could hurt him? Amazing. True but I wasn't posting here to score points about how ashamed I am about my behaviour or how I regret doing this to someone who is a good guy. I am ashamed and he is a good guy who I'm just not in love with any more. "So leave" - I've tried and am still trying. What are you asking? Are you asking how you should justify continuing to betray your husand with this guy? Or are you wanting to break it off and do right by your husband? I would guess the former since you make no mention or show no remorse about what you are doing to your husband. I'm asking how much no contact people thought it would generally take to get him out of my head. For your information I am sorry I've created all this mess - for everyone. I'm not asking for sympathy, just advice. Bashing me isn't going to help me feel worse than I already do. Sounds like you don't need to be married. Have you ever thought about filing for divorce since its obvious you could care less about your husband? I tried to leave some months ago when I realised my feelings just aren't right for my husband. He threatened to harm himself and begged me to stay and I am not proud to say that I have stayed, allbeit under the guise of helping him to come to terms with it. I do care about him and he does deserve better but right now it's what it is and I'm trying to sort it out.
Longing Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 You are in a difficult situation (made only more difficult by attacking comments) and there is no easy answer to the timeline question. I was/am in the role of the OW and like your OM, ended the A. That was two and a half years ago, and I am still struggling with my feelings for the MW. We had no contact for several months and then started talking on the phone occasionally (once every 1-2 months). For the most part, those conversations were brutal- so formal and guarded (mostly on my part). We have since had a real conversation or two and she has shared with me that her feelings for me haven't changed. She just made a "decision" to stay in her relationship. The point is that I know it is still a struggle for her as well as me and two years have passed and I moved 1200 miles away. I can also understand how it difficult it is to leave a marriage even when you realize that is the best thing you can do since your "feelings just aren't right." If that is where you are, it will ultimately be better to leave not only yourself but also your husband. Like you, he deserves to be free to find someone who does have those "right feelings" for him.
justice Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 There is no real time span on how long it will take. I would say until you make up your mind to poop or get off the pot with your husband would be more of an answer than anything else. Regardless of the fact that your H has threatened to do himself harm, you need to get him and yourself into some intense therapy in order to make this break or make your marriage work, one or the two. Until then the no contact is better for everyone even though I'm sure it hurts like all he**. I would at least attempt to uphold the no contact until your divorce is final, that way you have a reasonable amount of time to really get to know what it is that you must do.
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