Onelife Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Hi everyone, I've been reading this board for many months now and realized that it has become my comforting friend. I've learned so much from here. Finally I have made a decision! Once and for all, for the sake of everyone involved, I DETERMINE to stop being the other woman after the one whole year of the affair. For the people who have succeeded in getting over the MM and the A and finally moved on, how do you do it? How do you find the strength, courage and regain yourself(the way you were before the A) back? I know I have to stick with my decision, start from within myself and try to do a baby step at a time. I am suffering in a bad way and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It is very hard but I will DO IT! Any would of support would be much appreciated!!! Thank you everyone in advance.
Author Onelife Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 I should have added this info on my thread.... The reason I stayed in the A apart from the fact that I love him so much was because I believed that his M was already over and (he said) sooner or later/with or without me he and his W will separate. I guess all he said is the same stuff all MM say. Sure enough after D-Day, he said he cannot leave and has to stay for the kids until the kids are out of school. He doesn't want me to wait around and want me to live my life as he knows I will not open my heart for anyone else. I understand his situation and I know I need to move on and do the right thing. The hard part is dealing with the broken dreams and hopes (aka broken promises).
Ripples Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Kudos for making the decision to break away and stop something that is doing you no good, whatsoever. Well done!
Author Onelife Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Thank you Ripples. Your words are always encouraging and full of strength.
Ripples Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 That's very generous of you, Onelife, thank you. I guess it's people like you, making really tough, painful decisions that inspire me.
torranceshipman Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Break it off for good, and walk away-you should feel really, really proud of yourself for making that decision, and good on you. I know it is really hard - I've been through it - but as soon as you make the decision to end it - with real resolve - it gets easier. The MM is so selfish, saying you 'wont open your heart to anyone else.' You need to understand that he broke his promises to you and his family, lies, cheats, says what you and his W both want to hear - as long as it covers his own back - and has no problem in telling you lies and promises that he can't keep - giving you nothing, but sweet talking you so he keeps you in his life. That's horrible, cowardly and manipulative of him and it's broken your heart - what a nasty , empty, unhappy guy he must be for doing that. What you REALLY need to do is keep your heart open so sweet, lovely single guy can come into your life when you're ready, and it'd be great to tell your xMM that you are doing that. If you can realise how selfish this guy really is - and how cowardly he is - it'll help! I know you're grieving for all those promises he didn't keep but the reality is - he's a coward, liar and a cheat and you are way out of his league and lucky that it didn't work out. Good luck and you're doing a great thing by moving on...many people wouldn't have the strength! And...he'll probably get jealous and lie and sweet talk you again, to get you back, if he senses you moving away. Don't let that happen - as the man has no respect for you, himself or his W, and you can do SO much better. Good luck!!!
Author Onelife Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Break it off for good, and walk away-you should feel really, really proud of yourself for making that decision, and good on you. I know it is really hard - I've been through it - but as soon as you make the decision to end it - with real resolve - it gets easier. The MM is so selfish, saying you 'wont open your heart to anyone else.' You need to understand that he broke his promises to you and his family, lies, cheats, says what you and his W both want to hear - as long as it covers his own back - and has no problem in telling you lies and promises that he can't keep - giving you nothing, but sweet talking you so he keeps you in his life. That's horrible, cowardly and manipulative of him and it's broken your heart - what a nasty , empty, unhappy guy he must be for doing that. What you REALLY need to do is keep your heart open so sweet, lovely single guy can come into your life when you're ready, and it'd be great to tell your xMM that you are doing that. If you can realise how selfish this guy really is - and how cowardly he is - it'll help! I know you're grieving for all those promises he didn't keep but the reality is - he's a coward, liar and a cheat and you are way out of his league and lucky that it didn't work out. Good luck and you're doing a great thing by moving on...many people wouldn't have the strength! And...he'll probably get jealous and lie and sweet talk you again, to get you back, if he senses you moving away. Don't let that happen - as the man has no respect for you, himself or his W, and you can do SO much better. Good luck!!! Thank you torranceshipman. You are so right. Somehow I feel relieve as soon as I made the decision to end it. I know I need to keep my chin up and my heart opened so the right SINGLE man may find the way into my heart. I am keeping up with this effort to get over him. We've tried a few NCs before but always ended up back in contact. Sure enough after 36 hours of the NC, my xMM called and said "I just want to call and see how you are?". The difference is this time I do it with the determinatiopn to GET OVER HIM not for getting him. He used the different number to call as he knew I wouldn't answer if I know it was his usual number. I didn't say much to him, just answered his questions very briefly. Finally I said "I am trying to get over you and I am moving on". He said he understand but asked me to please keep thinking of him. He said he loves me but I didn't say anything back (before I would always say I love him too). After he said that a few times I asked him "what can I say?" and he said "just say thank you if you don't know what to say and don't want to say you love me back". Well....I know that conversation didn't do both of us any good. I have to admit that his call weakens me to some level but as I said "I determine to stop being the OW", I will live up to my decision. Those words are/were just words! They got me nowhere and they don't do me any good. They are not healthy for me. I hope I will digress from him and his words. I will take one step at a time. I WILL get stronger! I know I know. Thank you for your support. It's really what I need. I've learned so much from here.
lessonlearnt Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Onelife, congratulations on standing your ground. It is not easy I know, but once you realise that you deserve more and he isn't shifting his ground, it is easier to move on. I am glad that you have decided that you want more and are not prepared to settle for being his OW. He is contacting you because in the past you have caved and gone back so he thinks/hopes that if he perseveres long enough, that pattern will be repeated. As ripples said, staying in this dead end relationship, watching him return to his wife after being with you, does you no good whatsoever. It is soul destroying, but at least you are intelligent and perceptve enough to end things before he grinds you down into accepting your role as his OW long term. Believe me, my xmm tries to get into contact because I used to return, but once you know that there is no going back on your part, that is all that is needed. You may even see him as an annoyance if he carries on contacting you, and at this stage you could change your contact details so that he knows you are serious. Believe me, he will respect you for deciding that you deserve someone who chooses to be with you full time. Keep posting as and when you need support.
torranceshipman Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Wow, good on you, he calls straightaway throwing out the 'i love you's' - so wrong of him, the jerk - but you did brilliantly, not saying it back - bet that was a surprise to him...well done! Keep it going!
Author Onelife Posted June 3, 2007 Author Posted June 3, 2007 Yes...what I am doing these days when his picture pops in my head is repeating these words in my mind - soul destroying + dead end relationship + my dignity & self respect back = NO GOING BACK! It's so hard but this A needs to end. I really appreciate your support and the knowledge I've learned from LS. It makes me strong and helps me tremendously during this hard time. I will keep posting the updates on my situation. Stay with me.
Ripples Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 You are really good at assessing what's going on and making healthy decisions. I hope you're getting all the support and kudos in RL, too. Bloody brilliant!
Author Onelife Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Well I guess the last NC didn't get me anywhere as he still calls me to tell me that noone will ever love me more than he does. I know I know I should know better than that. It weakens me a lot and depresses me. But it also confirms that talking to him will only make it worse. Unfortunately I cannot cut the phone contact with him as it's got to do with work, this is what I will tell him next time he calls....."if you really love me, please do me a favor and let me move on with my life and that means no more calls ever again because you don't want to hurt the person you love this way". I pray that I will have that courage to say it!!!! I will!!!!
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 It is COMPLETELY selfish of him to keep calling and spilling his feelings to you. It's disrespecting your wishes of NC! When he tries to talk to you about anything other than buisness, interupt him and tell him that you're going to hang up the phone. Set your boundries up now, and do not let him make you doubt your choice. You're alot stronger than you think are! You ended the affair with him, so that is a good thing.
Tomcat33 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Onelife, not sure how I missed this post.... Firstly would like to say good for you for taking a step in doing what you know is best for you. You sound determined to want to make a change that is half the battle won right there. Wanting to end it is not like being unsure of what to do, you have reached your boilling point and you must focus on that every single day. I can totally empathise with how arduous the task at hand seems, but you can do it, as you said baby steps at a time. And as you become more focused to succeed your determination will increase with less effort. The important thing is not how long it takes you to succeed, it's to succeed. I know that a lot of people advocate strict NC, for me it proved to be the only way and it proved to be great, for others it may not be true. So find what works best for you, but eventually you do have to psyche yourself up for cutting the connection for good there is no "firendship" to be had with he who is the source of your mysery at some point you must accept that. I think through trial and error you need to figure out what will be the most effective way to do gear up to cut all contact but you have to start step by step to wheen yourself off of this man if you must. I say trial and error because sometimes we flip flop back and forth and slip a little along the way and that's ok, but the key is to focus on what YOU want. It might be... You no longer want to feel uncertainty You no longer want to feel a knot in your stomach every day you wake up thinking of this never ending torturous cycle you are in You no longer want to feel second best or like you have to compete with a woman you have never even met but is very much a part of your life nonetheless unbeknownst to her. You want to start to heal your heart and your mind from this roller coaster ride that offered you a chance to fall in love but that also stole the life right out of you. Whatever it is make your own list of "wants" and visulaize your goal and set your mind to reach that goal. And most importantly when you feel that pain that we feel because he is no longer there remind yourself of all the times he never really was there and how that ate away at you. Please remember that when you only want to think of the good, remember your tears for not being able to have this man properly, for the empty promises for the pretty words with no meaning. A person who truly cares for you does not deprive you of his time or his being conditionally, when love exists there is nothing keeping you apart. Remeber that always. In the first stages of NC it will feel like a part of you is being ripped from your insides, but as the days go by I promise you it will get easier and that part of you that seems to be stolen away will grow back. Ending a rel is not an easy thing but staying in a rel that is just not right for you is worse. I promise you he will not look the same to you as time passes, you will see him for who he really is and your feelings will be more managable. As time passes and you begin to accept, time will heal your wounds and the things that seem one way today will shine through in their reality. At that moment you will be well on your way to a better you. Cry all you want and set little goals for yourself and when you stick to them don't forget to reward yourself for you hard work. Right now you need to rebuild your self again. Big hug to you I know your pain all too well break-ups are never easy
PoshPrincess Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 OneLife, you are doing fantastically! Make sure you keep it up. I started off like that but ended up weak and stupid. I am sure you are strong enough not to go the same way. Please carry on doing exactoly what you're doing! I was an idiot - changed my mobile number so that MM couldn't contact me, but still ended up giving the new one to him!!! Pathetic! The more defiant you are towards him the easier you will find it to move on. Ignoring him will empower you. Keep up the good work. You have had some very good advice here and you know that we are all here for you!
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I should have added this info on my thread.... The reason I stayed in the A apart from the fact that I love him so much was because I believed that his M was already over and (he said) sooner or later/with or without me he and his W will separate. I guess all he said is the same stuff all MM say. Sure enough after D-Day, he said he cannot leave and has to stay for the kids until the kids are out of school. He doesn't want me to wait around and want me to live my life as he knows I will not open my heart for anyone else. I understand his situation and I know I need to move on and do the right thing. The hard part is dealing with the broken dreams and hopes (aka broken promises). Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. If it helps, this is pretty much the path that happened to mine, although when D-Day came, he only drew back from it because (a) she brought the teenage children into it to create even more chaos and (b) she threatened his career(and she had power there given the career situation)--however he did let her know then under no uncertain terms that as they divorced he would continue speaking with me. But within weeks he resolved to stay there for those same children and give it a another try. All I can tell you is because I was so close to this person and him to me, we decided to hold onto a friendship. If I'm honest, I did it at first with some hope he'd change his mind. Sweetie, let me tell you, he did not, although if you read my 'shift' thread, something has changed there, but let me tell you,I've had a year to think about this and I can only tell you that while you may always have concern for him, your feelings WILL change. When I think of him now, I care about him, but I find him to be a coward really seeing that he still has feelings for me. I'll tell you why because if it is that bad and he can stay and be browbeaten, then he is a wimpy coward and it makes him far less attractive of a man and the other option is that things are really not that bad which makes him little more then a liar and a cheat. Not really easy to find any admiration for someone in either situation, especially considering they are only half-a$$ giving the marriage a go if they are pining for someone else. How do you do it? Go as others have said, with NC. If you keep contact, initially, you both will keep in a sick game of back and forth out of the tension and pining for one another. Like any other relationship, even the normal ones, when its time to let go, it is time to let go. Just think when you were single and with another single person, you didn't 'wait it out' to see if they would maybe want to continue a relationship...you moved on. I have asked myself, what happens to us along the way that we become so desperate we are willing to put up with this? I've come to the conclusion that for some crazy reason we actually feel 'extra special' when someone who we think normally would not have the character for an A steps out that one time and does it with us. Somehow being the OW makes us feel special because that person is willing to risk it all to even spend stolen moments with us. That, to me, is the only reason I can think that we hold these things up the way we do sometimes...we romanticize the relationship because it is intoxicating to think of a man pining for you and willing to throw life and limb to spend even a moment with us. But, I digress... Best wishes to you. You are doing the right thing.
Author Onelife Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Thank you so much TC, PP and WWS for your thoughtful advice and great support. I am taking all of them into account. Lately I've been trying to stay focused with my decision and what's been going on back and forward between me and him this last few days. The info all of you here share with me has helped me so much to see this messy situation in a clearer perspective. I really appreciate all your support especially I know it comes from your blood sweat and tears experiences. Sometimes I cry when I read some posts as they reflect how I feel exactly. It really helps to know that I am not alone. Moreover to know that some (I hope most) of us have made it to the other side. I too want to be there. Things like this can be hard or impossible for someone who do not share similar background to comprehend. And yes I am sticking with my determination though it's so hard.
kymberann Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 he still calls me to tell me that noone will ever love me more than he does He's playing on your emotions! Trying to hold you captive and has decidied he will do what he can do to control the situation since you decided to take back your own control! Besides he is basically talking about himself and not you! Hang in there don't let him win! Stay focused, you are the better one for it! Trust me:)
Author Onelife Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Yes he does!!! And I know he does it because he thinks he can. No more though. I will stand my ground. I have to in order to be peace with myself and take my power back. I need it to build back my own self and grow from here.
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