why am I here

[chichigirl]

I am not very good at this and to be honest I don't know if I am looking for advice. Here is my story.

About 5 years ago I was online in a normal aim chat room during the middle of the day. I was not seeking a guy because I was already involved with someone. I would just go on to BS with people. Anyway I started talking to this guy and we seemed to get along pretty well. We had a good conversation but he tells me that he is married for about 4 mths towards the end. I was in shock and normally I would just stop talking to him because he is married. But we just friendly with each other so it was no big deal. Since it has been so long since then some of the stuff is a blur. We didn't talk about sexual things at all in the beginning. Just small talk. We got along extremely well. I thought no big deal we can meet up for lunch.

That is when it started. We did not kiss or anything the first time we met up. He doesn't live near me, he is at least 45 mins away. At some point we started having feelings for each other. We totally got along and I always knew in my heart that it could never go anywhere because he was married and I would never want to end up with a married man. Well one time it got physical, it was not a spur of the moment kind of thing. It was planned, we got a motel room one night. Even when I met up with him that night I felt like there was no way I could go through with it but I did. I felt terrible afterwards and to be honest I have blocked most of that night in my head. About a week after that, he calls me on a saturday night and tells me that he wants to move away with me. We had talked me wanting to move out of state and start a new life somewhere else. He was completely dead serious, telling me he was going to give up everything to be with me. I told him flat out that it was not going to happen because he is married and he needs to stop with this. I made a mistake with him.

From that point on we just remained friends, nothing physical ever happened after that. We still saw each from time to time but we always remained in contact either over email or phone.

He always tells me he loves me and cares deeply for me. When I see him I can feel that from him. We know everything about each other. This has been going on for years. He knows I would never do anything to ruin his marriage and honestly he never ever said anything bad about her or their relationship. So what is it? What is he getting from me? For the entire time we have been talking I have been in two different relationships. He gives me good advice and has never ever judged me at all.

I never told a single person for the longest time about what happened between us because I felt extremely guilty especially since I have had friends that have had relationships with married men/women and have always discouraged it. My friends knew of him and that he was married but as far as they were concerned we were just friends. A few of my friends have no idea is he is married.

One night about 2 years ago I was out with friends and he was there. I had been drinking a lot and I told my friend (right in front of him) that I was in love with him, how he was my type of guy and that we had sex a few years before. It didn't seem to bother him in the least that I said any of that. Like I said it was one drunk night and nothing happened. We have had moments where we almost kissed but I pulled back.

I guess I was having an emotional affair with him this entire time. I had not seen him for a long time, about a year and he was always asking me when we were going to get together but I was afraid to see him because of what might happen. The past 5 or 6 mths have been very hot and heavy between us. We talk about everything, how our lives would be if we were together, sexual stuff, how our relationship would be exactly what we both wanted. I am not going to get into all of that but we fit each other like gloves.

I never ever thought for a second that he didn't love his wife. We have talked about this before. My feeling started to get stronger for him and he kept telling me that he loved me but it was such a mental struggle for him because he knows that what he is doing is not fair to his wife or to myself. As much as it sounds ****ed up he feels that if he loves someone why should he have to let that go? That we both care and love each other why can't we. yeh I know its ****ed up.

So anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he knows that he could never do any of the things we talked about as much as he wanted to. Then bam I found out his wife had a baby back in december. He just told me a few weeks ago, he tells me this over the phone and I said I have to go I can't do this anymore. I left work early because I was in complete shock and I had to get the hell out of there. We ended up talking about it for the next hour and half that he didn't tell me because he was afraid that I would never speak to him again. Well that was two weeks ago and about a week later I met up with him. I was nervous, I love him and I let my feelings for him totally take over me.

He keeps telling me he loves me and when I saw him after all this time he held me so tight in his arms that I felt his heart about to burst out of his chest. I was on a high from seeing him for days, we kissed and it was the most amazing feeling I have felt in a long time. I am such a horrible person for this I know. I told him that I was afraid that if I got married that I would not be able to stop myself from being with him. I know it sounds like BS but I know that he loves me. What am I going to do!!!!! I am leaving in a few days to go away and we made plans to see each other when I get back. What the hell did I get myself involved in.........

[LucreziaBorgia]

What the hell did I get myself involved in.........

 

You know exactly what you are getting yourself involved in: a dead end relationship with someone else's husband.

 

You are signing up for your own pain and lonliness. Every time you feel angry and hurt, understand that you aren't a victim to this: you are willing volunteer.

 

As for how he 'loves' you, well I guess you won't really get to see how much he 'loves' you until his wife finds out. Then and only then will you see how much (or how little) you really mean to him.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Its amazing to me that you two are soul mates, fit like a glove and you didn't know that he had had a child????? How can you believe to be part of his life when something so large is hidden from you. How was the pregancy and delivery, who does the baby look like, is he crawling now? Did they choose the name together, name the child after a family memeber. HE HAD A KID AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT!!!! You really need to open your eyes and realize that you know nothing accept what he wants you to know and yes, telling you he was expecting a child, the child was born, sharing THAT joy with you, he couldn't do because it goes against everything else he is telling you, ie... plans to run away, start a life together. This is HIS fantasy and you are merely a pawn .... that is until you decide otherwise. I agree with LB, you've signed up for quite a ride.

[chichigirl]

Its amazing to me that you two are soul mates, fit like a glove and you didn't know that he had had a child????? How can you believe to be part of his life when something so large is hidden from you. How was the pregancy and delivery, who does the baby look like, is he crawling now? Did they choose the name together, name the child after a family memeber. HE HAD A KID AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT!!!! You really need to open your eyes and realize that you know nothing accept what he wants you to know and yes, telling you he was expecting a child, the child was born, sharing THAT joy with you, he couldn't do because it goes against everything else he is telling you, ie... plans to run away, start a life together. This is HIS fantasy and you are merely a pawn .... that is until you decide otherwise. I agree with LB, you've signed up for quite a ride.

 

I never said he and I were soul mates. We get along extremely well. Like I said the reason why he didn't tell me right away was he knew that I was not going to talk to him after that and he didn't want that to happen. Had he never told me I never would have known about it because we don't even live near each other. I know the babies name and he showed me a picture. I never once said that he didn't get along with his wife. I think that we would have met each other before he got married he would have been with me. When he talked about running away with me that was almost 5 yrs ago and he never said it seriously again after I shot him down. I have no intentions of going after him and ruining his life trying to get him. I will never do that. Talking about something and doing something are two different things. I was upset that he didn't tell me from the beginning but I understand in a way why he didn't. Yeh I know I messed up what can I say. I don't think I have a future with this guy by any means. Our timing was off.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The past 5 or 6 months you said that things have been hot and heavy. His wife has a newborn!!! My point was that he is not being on the up and up even about major things in his life. That's not real. That's certainly not love. I'm not bashing you, it wasn't my intent. I just think that there is a side you aren't seeing because you don't care to and that is that YES he didn't tell you for a reason. He didn't want to loose something that he wants/loves (strange definition in my book but widely shared and accepted nonetheless) so he hid what would keep you from making an informed decision. That's called manipulation. It aint nice and it aint love, its pure and simply selfishness on his part. You can bet there is more where that came from.

[Seen_It_All]

I think the thing that kept standing out in my head is how much you keep trying to downplay your involvement in this whole thing. All your statements are so passive - but so transparent. You say normally you don't bother with married men who are trawling the chatrooms and you cut them off when they tell you they're married - yet this guy told you he was married and you claim "it was alright...we were friendly by then....no big deal." Then it was "no big deal" to 'innocently' meet up for lunch with your new married chat buddy. Then from there, these mysterious "feelings" just appeared out of nowhere and from there, you planned a night at a hotel for it to become physical.

 

Please.

 

You tell this story as though you were some kind of accidental tourist, totally unsure of how all these mystical and magical events have managed to take place over all these years.

 

Come on, man...own your SH*T. Everything happened because you made a conscious DECISION to have these happen, every single step of the way. Just own it, will you?

 

He knows I would never do anything to ruin his marriage...

You have GOT to be kidding me, right? What is it with all this denial and pretending that this guy is just your "friend?" You've been feeding off the ego strokes he's been handing you for 5 years now. You LIVE for his constant adoration and sugary words of devotion. Since you claim that you'd be the LAST one to harm his marriage, why don't you give his wife a call and see if she wants to hang out with you guys, too, the next time you're out? Since he's merely a friend and NOTHING more, go ahead - give her a call and tell her all about your innocent friendship with her husband.

 

I guess I was having an emotional affair with him this entire time.

LOL...ya think?

 

The past 5 or 6 mths have been very hot and heavy between us.

Well, now I'm confused. A few paragraphs ago, you claimed that you'd be the last one to harm his marriage...yet here you are, aiding and abetting that very thing. Gosh, I'm confused.

 

Then bam I found out his wife had a baby back in december. He just told me a few weeks ago, he tells me this over the phone and I said I have to go I can't do this anymore.

Well He*ll's bells - what'd he go and do THAT for? That sure puts a crimp in the old Fantasy Land ride here, doesn't it? But once again, I'm confused. If you're only FRIENDS like you keep claiming, then wouldn't you be HAPPY about the blessed event that occurred in December? Aren't FRIENDS supposed to rejoice in news like this? Better yet, aren't FRIENDS supposed to TELL you when they're expecting, and keep you informed all through the pregnancy and delivery? Why, he's not a very good FRIEND at all for keeping such a whopper of a secret. But I must admit, you're not a very good FRIEND either, since the news seemed to upset you and all. Hmm...confusing.

 

I was nervous, I love him and I let my feelings for him totally take over me.

Ahhh, NOW I'm no longer confused.

 

What the hell did I get myself involved in.........

Well, you got yourself involved with a lying cheater who trawls the internet for side action. And wants to run away with the girls he meets online. Oh yeah, and a guy whose just scuzzy enough to impregnate his wife all the while proclaiming his love for another. Oh, and let's not forget he's ALSO a guy that has been lying to his wife for years, but he lied to you as well. And it was quite the major WHOPPER of a lie, to boot.

 

I think you've got a real winner, there. I say go for it.

[NoIDidn't]

Well He*ll's bells - what'd he go and do THAT for? That sure puts a crimp in the old Fantasy Land ride here, doesn't it? But once again, I'm confused. If you're only FRIENDS like you keep claiming, then wouldn't you be HAPPY about the blessed event that occurred in December? Aren't FRIENDS supposed to rejoice in news like this? Better yet, aren't FRIENDS supposed to TELL you when they're expecting, and keep you informed all through the pregnancy and delivery? Why, he's not a very good FRIEND at all for keeping such a whopper of a secret. But I must admit, you're not a very good FRIEND either, since the news seemed to upset you and all. Hmm...confusing.

 

 

Dammit, SeenIt!!!!

 

When you are on, you are on. What can I say.

 

Chichigirl, Seen It is right. Yours and his are NOT the actions of "just friends".

[chichigirl]

I am not downplaying my involvement in this at all. I said I made a mistake if you read my original post. He did admit that it was for selfish reasons that he did not tell me but he did eventually. At the time she was pregnant I was going through a bunch of **** in my relationship and with work. I was not involved with him that way, he just was a friend to me who geniunely cared about me. I am not trying to justify my relationship with him but even if I was not attracted to him I would still be friends with him. We just get each other. She is the only woman that he has ever had a relationship with. I was 27 and he was 24 when we met. I do not want to "win" this guy from her. I know its terrible what we did or have done I do not deny that. I struggle with that every day. We both admit that we are ****ed up and we don't deny that at all. I have been in a relationship the entire time we have know each other and he has always been there for me as a friend. I know deep in my heart that I could never be with him even if I had the opportunity for my own personal reasons.

[Lizzie60]

I am not very good at this and to be honest I don't know if I am looking for advice. Here is my story.

About 5 years ago I was online in a normal aim chat room during the middle of the day. I was not seeking a guy because I was already involved with someone. I would just go on to BS with people. Anyway I started talking to this guy and we seemed to get along pretty well. We had a good conversation but he tells me that he is married for about 4 mths towards the end. I was in shock and normally I would just stop talking to him because he is married. But we just friendly with each other so it was no big deal. Since it has been so long since then some of the stuff is a blur. We didn't talk about sexual things at all in the beginning. Just small talk. We got along extremely well. I thought no big deal we can meet up for lunch.

That is when it started. We did not kiss or anything the first time we met up. He doesn't live near me, he is at least 45 mins away. At some point we started having feelings for each other. We totally got along and I always knew in my heart that it could never go anywhere because he was married and I would never want to end up with a married man. Well one time it got physical, it was not a spur of the moment kind of thing. It was planned, we got a motel room one night. Even when I met up with him that night I felt like there was no way I could go through with it but I did. I felt terrible afterwards and to be honest I have blocked most of that night in my head. About a week after that, he calls me on a saturday night and tells me that he wants to move away with me. We had talked me wanting to move out of state and start a new life somewhere else. He was completely dead serious, telling me he was going to give up everything to be with me. I told him flat out that it was not going to happen because he is married and he needs to stop with this. I made a mistake with him.

From that point on we just remained friends, nothing physical ever happened after that. We still saw each from time to time but we always remained in contact either over email or phone.

He always tells me he loves me and cares deeply for me. When I see him I can feel that from him. We know everything about each other. This has been going on for years. He knows I would never do anything to ruin his marriage and honestly he never ever said anything bad about her or their relationship. So what is it? What is he getting from me? For the entire time we have been talking I have been in two different relationships. He gives me good advice and has never ever judged me at all.

I never told a single person for the longest time about what happened between us because I felt extremely guilty especially since I have had friends that have had relationships with married men/women and have always discouraged it. My friends knew of him and that he was married but as far as they were concerned we were just friends. A few of my friends have no idea is he is married.

One night about 2 years ago I was out with friends and he was there. I had been drinking a lot and I told my friend (right in front of him) that I was in love with him, how he was my type of guy and that we had sex a few years before. It didn't seem to bother him in the least that I said any of that. Like I said it was one drunk night and nothing happened. We have had moments where we almost kissed but I pulled back.

I guess I was having an emotional affair with him this entire time. I had not seen him for a long time, about a year and he was always asking me when we were going to get together but I was afraid to see him because of what might happen. The past 5 or 6 mths have been very hot and heavy between us. We talk about everything, how our lives would be if we were together, sexual stuff, how our relationship would be exactly what we both wanted. I am not going to get into all of that but we fit each other like gloves.

I never ever thought for a second that he didn't love his wife. We have talked about this before. My feeling started to get stronger for him and he kept telling me that he loved me but it was such a mental struggle for him because he knows that what he is doing is not fair to his wife or to myself. As much as it sounds ****ed up he feels that if he loves someone why should he have to let that go? That we both care and love each other why can't we. yeh I know its ****ed up.

So anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he knows that he could never do any of the things we talked about as much as he wanted to. Then bam I found out his wife had a baby back in december. He just told me a few weeks ago, he tells me this over the phone and I said I have to go I can't do this anymore. I left work early because I was in complete shock and I had to get the hell out of there. We ended up talking about it for the next hour and half that he didn't tell me because he was afraid that I would never speak to him again. Well that was two weeks ago and about a week later I met up with him. I was nervous, I love him and I let my feelings for him totally take over me.

He keeps telling me he loves me and when I saw him after all this time he held me so tight in his arms that I felt his heart about to burst out of his chest. I was on a high from seeing him for days, we kissed and it was the most amazing feeling I have felt in a long time. I am such a horrible person for this I know. I told him that I was afraid that if I got married that I would not be able to stop myself from being with him. I know it sounds like BS but I know that he loves me. What am I going to do!!!!! I am leaving in a few days to go away and we made plans to see each other when I get back. What the hell did I get myself involved in.........

 

 

I was not seeking a guy because I was already involved with someone...

he tells me that he is married for about 4 mths towards the end...

I was in shock and normally I would just stop talking to him because he is married...

I thought no big deal we can meet up for lunch...

I always knew in my heart that it could never go anywhere because he was married and I would never want to end up with a married man...

Well one time it got physical, it was not a spur of the moment kind of thing. It was planned...

Even when I met up with him that night I felt like there was no way I could go through with it but I did...

I felt terrible afterwards ...

I told him flat out that it was not going to happen because he is married and he needs to stop with this...

This has been going on for years...

He knows I would never do anything to ruin his marriage ...

We have had moments where we almost kissed but I pulled back...

 

Who are you kidding here? For a girl who didn't want to get involved with a married guy... hummm.

 

From what I read here I think this guy is just having some fun... he's in love with the 'fantasy' not you...

 

About a week after that, he calls me on a saturday night and tells me that he wants to move away with me..

 

Then:

 

My feeling started to get stronger for him and he kept telling me that he loved me but it was such a mental struggle for him because he knows that what he is doing is not fair to his wife or to myself.

So anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he knows that he could never do any of the things we talked about as much as he wanted to.

 

WOW... a week after you met he was ready to move away with you...then many years later.. you're both very much in love BUT he doesn't want to move away with you anymore... weird....

 

What the hell did I get myself involved in -

 

ha-hem... I think you knew right from the start what you were getting into...

 

I am not trying to bash you or to judge you... I am not in a position to do that... because I am myself an OW... BUT I don't fall in love with the guys and I don't want them to leave their wives... It's strictly for sex.

 

Trust me... he doesn't love you... he loves the excitement and the fantasy. You will only get hurt...

 

My advice ...forget him and move on.