Storyrider Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 My eight year old needs consequences or punishments sometimes, and I need some help coming up with some new ones. She is getting too old for time out, but I haven't really found anything good to replace it. The things she needs punishing for are not big, but they are persistent problems, like talking back, ignoring instructions, or general disobedience. For example, the other day she forgot her backpack on the playground (where she could possibly get this forgetfulness trait, I have no clue ) And it rained very hard that night, so we thought it might be lost or ruined. Anyway, I wouldn't punish her for that alone, but when we started talking about it, she snapped at me, "Well Mom, every other time I've put my backpack down on the playground, you've always picked it up, so it is your fault!" I told her she was full of it and not to ever speak to me that way. This is clearly soooo disrespectful, not to mention what a spoiled brat it shows her to be. She is not always like this. Most of the time she really is a good kid, but clearly she needs to get some perspective. I wish I had acted swiftly and without mercy with some punishment, but I was caught off guard. Any suggestions for a consequence to use next time? BTW, I hate punishments that punish me more than her. For example, if I take away her brief TV time, she will just mope and follow me around the house during the time she would be watching and make my life miserable. Maybe extra chores? Take away dessert? I want it to be painful. She did have to hunt down her backpack herself the next day at school, but that doesn't give her a consequence for her rudeness to me.
Author Storyrider Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Smack her ass with the belt. Ha. Sound cathartic but not quite my style. Any other thoughts?
Touche Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Ha, ha TB. Yeah, well that doesn't work on my kid. He just laughs. Anyway, Story...boy can I relate. Especially about those punishments that punish you more than your kid. It's so hard. One of my son's worst punishments is being grounded because he loves playing with the neighborhood kids outside and is constantly being invited here and there. (He's even been invited for a week to Florida during our anniversary but he turned that one down:mad:) Anyway, if I ground him he does follow me around and pesters me just like your child does. And that's when I tell him that he will stay in his room for the remainder of the evening if he continues. That usually gets him to stop. Or we'll go outside on the deck and make him stay in the house. Another thing that has worked too is taking away a favorite toy for a period of time...or threaten to not take him somewhere he wants to go. Threats are always good. I'm so glad you started this thread because I need some new ideas too though. I had a very hard time with him today after school. He got in trouble on the bus. A note was sent home. The note was a warning saying if there is another incident, he will be suspended from the school bus for three days. I told him that if that happens and I have to drive him to school and pick him up, that I'm grounding him for those three days. The little brat said "What's the big deal, it's not like you have a job to go to or anything!":eek: Can you believe that? (I do work in H's office but just a few times a week right now.) Anyway, I lost it and threw him in his room for a little while. They're just testing us. We have to be firm and consistent. (Yes, make note to self..firm and consistent.) I don't know if I've been any help but you're not alone, Story. It's so tough sometimes, isn't it?
Touche Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 No belts hey? How about a wooden spoon? :lmao: I wish that still worked on him but it doesn't. He's a tough little thing. He laughs at the spoon now.
ConfusedButLoved Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 We're having the same issues with my stepdaughter who is 9. We have a very loving but reasonably strict household. Punishments include grounding (from tv, playing with friends, computer time.. anything fun) or sometimes she is simply made to stay in her room. I have her most of the day since I stay home and hubby works, and she has been pushing my limit with things she KNOWS shes not to do. So I sat her down and had a talk with her and told her if she does such and such again, I am going to have to take something away from her that she really likes and she wouldn't get it back until she proved to me she would stop. The trick is to make sure she knows its HER choice. She either does what she's supposed to and keeps all her things, or disobeys and loses something temporarily. That seems to be working so far. Also, disrespectful talking is ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed. It is punished on the spot. Usually by being sent to her room and being grounded. I know it drives you up a wall to be followed around all day from being grounded, and that isnt' allowed either. When she starts moping around behind me I send her to her room to find something to do. They have to learn some way or another IMO.
Lizzie60 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 My eight year old needs consequences or punishments sometimes, and I need some help coming up with some new ones. She is getting too old for time out, but I haven't really found anything good to replace it. The things she needs punishing for are not big, but they are persistent problems, like talking back, ignoring instructions, or general disobedience. For example, the other day she forgot her backpack on the playground (where she could possibly get this forgetfulness trait, I have no clue ) And it rained very hard that night, so we thought it might be lost or ruined. Anyway, I wouldn't punish her for that alone, but when we started talking about it, she snapped at me, "Well Mom, every other time I've put my backpack down on the playground, you've always picked it up, so it is your fault!" I told her she was full of it and not to ever speak to me that way. This is clearly soooo disrespectful, not to mention what a spoiled brat it shows her to be. She is not always like this. Most of the time she really is a good kid, but clearly she needs to get some perspective. I wish I had acted swiftly and without mercy with some punishment, but I was caught off guard. Any suggestions for a consequence to use next time? BTW, I hate punishments that punish me more than her. For example, if I take away her brief TV time, she will just mope and follow me around the house during the time she would be watching and make my life miserable. Maybe extra chores? Take away dessert? I want it to be painful. She did have to hunt down her backpack herself the next day at school, but that doesn't give her a consequence for her rudeness to me. First thing first... you have to be the role model... I told her she was full of it and not to ever speak to me that way This is soooo wrong..right from the start... you want her to be respectful to you... are you respectful to her????? Physical punishment are not punishment, they are abuse. You know her, you know what she likes... take it away from her for a short period of time... take away some privileges... movies, meetings with friends, play in the park... her bicycle, video games, etc... or sometimes early bed works. The secret is consistency...
ConfusedButLoved Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 They're just testing us. We have to be firm and consistent. (Yes, make note to self..firm and consistent.)? So true. Once you let them get past you JUST ONCE you've lost some of you're power. And that very thought came to me the other day when i was just worn out with my stepdaughter, but I realized that with her father and mother's divorce and me being still someone new in her life she just wants to know I'll never change. I have to remind myself that when I start to lose my patience.
Enema Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 :lmao: I wish that still worked on him but it doesn't. He's a tough little thing. He laughs at the spoon now. Sounds like me as a boy. My mother was famous in our family for hitting me with the wooden spoon. (nothing abusive). My grandmother bought her a new spoon for christmas one year and wrote on it, "please do not hit Enema with this". That spoon actually broke on my behind! Mum shortly after upgraded to an unbreakable plastic spoon. I tells ya... plastic stings!
Author Storyrider Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 First thing first... you have to be the role model... I told her she was full of it and not to ever speak to me that way This is soooo wrong..right from the start... you want her to be respectful to you... are you respectful to her????? Physical punishment are not punishment, they are abuse. You know her, you know what she likes... take it away from her for a short period of time... take away some privileges... movies, meetings with friends, play in the park... her bicycle, video games, etc... or sometimes early bed works. The secret is consistency... I do try to be respectful to her, but I don't think it is wrong to be straight with her. For her to say I am responsible for remembering her backpack is silly. That is all I meant by "full of it." I will say that I am tired a lot and that affects my ability to parent as well as I could. Tend to fly off the handle more (not the spoon handle, ha ha.)
Touche Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 So true. Once you let them get past you JUST ONCE you've lost some of you're power. And that very thought came to me the other day when i was just worn out with my stepdaughter, but I realized that with her father and mother's divorce and me being still someone new in her life she just wants to know I'll never change. I have to remind myself that when I start to lose my patience. It's very hard isn't it? Don't even get me started on being a stepmom. That's a whole other ball of wax. Thank god, I made it through that. It's hard to not lose one's patience though when they really try it. And with stepkids it's so difficult because you don't have that unconditional, implied love already in place. How old is your stepdaughter?
Lizzie60 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I do try to be respectful to her, but I don't think it is wrong to be straight with her. For her to say I am responsible for remembering her backpack is silly. That is all I meant by "full of it." I will say that I am tired a lot and that affects my ability to parent as well as I could. Tend to fly off the handle more (not the spoon handle, ha ha.) but if you fly off the handle more..you can expect her to fly off the handle from time to time too...she's also human... just like you. As parents, we need to be in control all the time...whether we are tired or not... consistency is the key, if we're not consistent and we encounter some problems with our kids...it's our fault.
Touche Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 She's 9. I've been in her life since she was 7, and I have grown to love her so much but you're right. It wasn't like I raised her from birth, we both had to adjust to each other and that was hard!! She's been living with us full time now for about 5 months and it looks like it will stay that way for awhile. I have had to really stretch my patience (something I WAS NOT born with) It has been quite a journey for the 2 of us. I was actually going to start a thread about the trials of having stepchildren... think I will. I sure could use a chat with some other step mothers so I know I'm not insane! haha Sorry I asked how old SD was...didn't see your post until after I posted mine. Yes, start a thread CBL. You're not insane. I've been a stepmom twice. It's very hard. My stepson will be 20 in July and I've been in his life since he was 7 also. We've sure been through a lot. But we made it! YAY! And he's an absolute doll. (But that wasn't always the case..he once even called me evil!) But there is light at the end of the tunnel. And he's even thanked me for some things I did for him as he was growing up. You can make it through but you MUST, MUST have the support of the Mom and Dad...at least your husband's anyway. You have to be on the same page or it just doesn't work. Anyway, sorry Story...didn't mean to h/j.
Sheba Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 It is hard to be a parent and I have had the same trouble dreaming up consequences that I am willing to enforce and yet have some meaning for the kids. The easiest thing is to take away a favoured object. I have taken away gameboys, Nintendo games, walkmans and Ipods. My sister has actually pulled the harddrive out of the family computer as a consequence for her boys, but we have too many children in this house to give one a punishment that causes the others to suffer. The next easiest thing is to take away play privileges. My son used to play street hockey with his friends every day - the threat of being unable to go for a day or two was pretty serious and kept him on the straight and narrow. If you have children who don't play electronic games or listen to music, or don't have favourite play outings - well, how about some housework? I know that this usually means the parents have to guide and supervise the work but you can dream up ways to make it less difficult. I once made our boys each take a plastic bag into the alley and pick up garbage and come back only when the bags were full. I told them it was "community service". I have always been very consistent and followed through with every threat I made (because I made very careful threats). I agree with L60 that consistency and respect back to the children are very important. Stepchildren are a special case and surely a whole different thread.
IpAncA Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Well my punishments are according to people now a days abuse so I guess you could "TALK" to them, LOL!!! Like that works. Anyway I use to get the belt, soap in mouth, grounded for 2 weeks, favorite things taking away, early bed time, stay in room, etc... And my brother use to have to stand in the corner, LOL!! But he was younger than 8. But if you can take any advice it's to not back down from punishments. Because if you do, well that goes out the window. Good Luck!
champagne Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Sounds like me as a boy. My mother was famous in our family for hitting me with the wooden spoon. (nothing abusive). My grandmother bought her a new spoon for christmas one year and wrote on it, "please do not hit Enema with this". That spoon actually broke on my behind! Mum shortly after upgraded to an unbreakable plastic spoon. I tells ya... plastic stings! My mom had the "wooden spoon," also. Ouch.
Author Storyrider Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Thanks for the replies. I think I need to sit down and brainstorm about this on paper. That is how I think best, but all of you have given me some great ideas to start with. Whew, this is hard work. And summer is about to start, so our one on one time is about to get very intense.
pelagicsands Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 How about getting her to write down her five favourite things, and her five least favourite things. Like folding clothes, for example. Then deprive, or apply - as necessary. But I wouldn't be so mean.
Author Storyrider Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 How about getting her to write down her five favourite things, and her five least favourite things. Like folding clothes, for example. Then deprive, or apply - as necessary. But I wouldn't be so mean. Hmmm. Sneaky. Or, perhaps even be more direct and ask her what a good punishment would be for an eight year old when she talks back. She is still young enough to answer honestly, rather than with a "don't throw me in the briar patch," kind of response.
pelagicsands Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Hmmm. Sneaky. Do you like sneaky? I can be sneaky. I promise you won't regret it. Or, perhaps even be more direct and ask her what a good punishment would be for an eight year old when she talks back. I like the way your mind works. Almost as much as anal sex.
Author Storyrider Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Do you like sneaky? I can be sneaky. I promise you won't regret it. I like the way your mind works. Almost as much as anal sex. But sneaky anal sex can take one a bit too much by surprise... And certainly has no place in the annals of child discipline.
pelagicsands Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 And certainly has no place in the annals of child discipline. Certainly not! One should hold on to their innocence for as long as possible. But, let's talk about you. I mean, if you want to lose your innocence, then I will break you in gently. Very, very gently.
johan Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I would think a Chinese finger trap would be somewhat effective.
Author Storyrider Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Certainly not! One should hold on to their innocence for as long as possible. But, let's talk about you. I mean, if you want to lose your innocence, then I will break you in gently. Very, very gently. I think I just need someone to get me back in line. One can't discipline until one has discipline, as another poster pointed out. Does your technique help with that?
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