Lost myself

[Great Gazoo]

This is just a general question and has nothing really to do with religion as everyone must have some inner self, to me that is your soul. A friend that knows me probably better than anyone because I have mention things that I never have told anyone else said that my inner self, my heart, my soul is a very dark place.

 

I never thought of myself as a dark person, I always thought I was a nice friendly kind person but I know when it comes to myself I have been very self critical. Ever since I had tried to commit suicide I feel I have lost my inner self. I can think about that day and it means nothing. Sometimes it almost feels as if I have no emotions left, that I am already dead, that I did die that day and my body just does not know it.

 

I had a visit from a friend the other day I have not seen for over 2 years for no reason really, just life got in the way. He was working on his marriage and I had some big life problems going on myself and I got angry at everyone. It was a very bad time in my life. He did try to call a couple times when he found out about what was going on but I was never in to get the call and he never left a message.

 

I felt bad afterwards because he made a special trip out to see me and to invite me first hand to visit him. If it was my choice I would have probably never contacted him again. This is not the first time I have had problems with people who care. I find I could easily do this with anyone, from my best friend to family to my wife, I could turn away and never look back. This leaves me wondering if I am not the person who I think I am. I wonder what has happened to me along my journeys to become this person.

 

So do you think it is possible to lose your inner self? That I could be dead inside? Sometimes I feel so emotionless I think I can let my wife leave me and it wont bother me at all and in some ways I feel I am pushing her away. Other times I think I could cheat on her and it would mean nothing to me. Other times I have so much pain from the past that I need pain killers to be able to sleep. Is there anyway a person can find their inner self and bring light to it? How can a person become more self aware than self critical? I hope this makes some sense, I am sorry if it does not. Thanks

[Storyrider]

I think the apathy with friends and loved ones that you're describing is an outgrowth of depression. I guess that is stating the obvious. I've been curious about this myself. Are you happy to see the person once they are back in your life? It sounds as though you are. Do you feel the relationships are just too much effort, and that all your emotional effort needs to go towards just getting through the day?

[Great Gazoo]

I think the apathy with friends and loved ones that you're describing is an outgrowth of depression. I guess that is stating the obvious. I've been curious about this myself. Are you happy to see the person once they are back in your life? It sounds as though you are. Do you feel the relationships are just too much effort, and that all your emotional effort needs to go towards just getting through the day?

 

 

Hey SR thanks for reply. To answer your questions, yes I am very happy to see the person again, I talked for 4 hours with him and it seemed like minutes. The only problem was after he left I had a hard time dealing with the issues with him in the first place. I started to think negative and just seemed to take a tail spin from there.

 

I don't feel as if relationships are too much trouble, I love people and I wish I could be able to not question everything and everyone so much. To me it almost seems as if I am so self critical that it is to the point that I can't understand how someone can deal with me, care about me, etc... that I am not worthy and I start to lose trust. Then I try to protect myself by trying to keep people at a distance and start pushing them away and at the same time I feel guilty about doing it.

 

That is a interesting thought about all my emotional efforts are needed for myself. That could be part of it. I do find sometimes I have all I can handle just making it through the day. I have to fight off negative thoughts and at the same time I have to get my work done and I never have the down time that maybe I need sometimes. I have never been one to relax much, I always feel as if I stop I would be sitting watching my life pass me by. My mind always seems one step ahead of my body and I am constantly trying to catch up. It also seems as soon as a issue comes up that takes me by surprise I have nothing left to deal with it and it is just like a overload. All the progress I have made in whatever time frame is lost and I have to start all over again.

[Storyrider]

It seems to me he was showing his genuine love and caring for you by seeking you out. And I'm sure you know that. Even though there are negatives about you, he probably knows many of them, and he still wants to be with you.

 

But I see what you're saying about how interacting brings up negative thoughts and feelings. I have variations on this sometimes.

 

It is like certain tape loops start playing when a button is pressed. And people press those buttons. Maybe you're tempted to avoid the triggers when you're already feeling vulnerable.

 

But don't forget to let yourself feed off the positive emotions your friends and loved ones bring you. The love and friendship can boost you up if you let them.

 

Sorry if this advice seems overly simplistic.

[Great Gazoo]

It seems to me he was showing his genuine love and caring for you by seeking you out. And I'm sure you know that. Even though there are negatives about you, he probably knows many of them, and he still wants to be with you.

 

But I see what you're saying about how interacting brings up negative thoughts and feelings. I have variations on this sometimes.

 

It is like certain tape loops start playing when a button is pressed. And people press those buttons. Maybe you're tempted to avoid the triggers when you're already feeling vulnerable.

 

But don't forget to let yourself feed off the positive emotions your friends and loved ones bring you. The love and friendship can boost you up if you let them.

 

Sorry if this advice seems overly simplistic.

 

 

I understand what your saying, its like saying you just got to put yourself out there and live and I do try.

 

I think your right about wanting to avoid triggers, that is a big problem because it does only take one little thing to set me back and the thing is no one really knows how it effects me because I wont say anything but it is me after that has to deal with it and work it out.

 

I think a big problem with him and other friends is that they have children and I don't know how to react. Sometimes it really bothers me, I can relate better with single people. Like most parents their children are a big part of their lives and the subject is going to come up. Like my friend said we should get together and do some camping together, he just bought a fifth wheel and I have one also. I would love to take up his offer but I think it would bother me too much to be around his family for any amount of time.

 

I find it hard enough at events like xmas and others because it only reminds me of the 4 years of pain and suffering for me and my wife. Usually someone will say something that for most people would not bother them but to me it stabs me in the heart. Of course these 4 years have also taken their toll on the marriage but because we have such a deep bond we have managed to keep it together so far.

 

I know most would say go for adoption and we are thinking about it but the damage has been done, I guess it would bring a end to the whole ordeal in the long run but it has already changed my wife. She seems to be having a midlife adjustment. She has been going to conferences alot and drinking and in some ways I can't blame her but she is not the same person. She tells me she is afraid and now wants to have this kind of life style while she can. All this is ok but I am the one that seems left behind after supporting her for so long and be put through so much pain and I have no idea how long this will last. Then again I can blame myself because when we were younger I did not think it was wise at the time to have children, I thought I should be the responsible one and say not until we get more settled. So after making her wait for years this all blows up in my face as we run into a brick wall and that is something I can't forgive myself for.

 

There was a study just put out from Denmark, it solified what I had always thought. They said adults with children are less likely to commit suicide than those without, and young children add an extra layer guarding against suicide. That it is possible that the presence of children and/or young children may increase parents feelings of self worth, possibly based on their perception of being needed. Children might also provide emotional support to their parents during tough times. They also say that suicide victims also were at least twice as likely to have experienced the death of a child.

 

Anyways thanks for the advice.

[Storyrider]

I understand what your saying, its like saying you just got to put yourself out there and live and I do try.

Well, more than that, I'm saying if you avoid people to avoid pain, you miss out on all the positives too. This would contribute to this "dead inside" feeling you described.

 

I think your right about wanting to avoid triggers, that is a big problem because it does only take one little thing to set me back and the thing is no one really knows how it effects me because I wont say anything but it is me after that has to deal with it and work it out.

 

I think a big problem with him and other friends is that they have children and I don't know how to react. Sometimes it really bothers me, I can relate better with single people. Like most parents their children are a big part of their lives and the subject is going to come up. Like my friend said we should get together and do some camping together, he just bought a fifth wheel and I have one also. I would love to take up his offer but I think it would bother me too much to be around his family for any amount of time.

 

I find it hard enough at events like xmas and others because it only reminds me of the 4 years of pain and suffering for me and my wife. Usually someone will say something that for most people would not bother them but to me it stabs me in the heart. Of course these 4 years have also taken their toll on the marriage but because we have such a deep bond we have managed to keep it together so far.

 

I don't know the details of your story. I take it you've had problems conceiving. Did you lose a baby? I'm sorry for your troubles. I can see why it would hurt to be around kids.

 

I know most would say go for adoption and we are thinking about it but the damage has been done, I guess it would bring a end to the whole ordeal in the long run but it has already changed my wife. She seems to be having a midlife adjustment. She has been going to conferences alot and drinking and in some ways I can't blame her but she is not the same person. She tells me she is afraid and now wants to have this kind of life style while she can. All this is ok but I am the one that seems left behind after supporting her for so long and be put through so much pain and I have no idea how long this will last. Then again I can blame myself because when we were younger I did not think it was wise at the time to have children, I thought I should be the responsible one and say not until we get more settled. So after making her wait for years this all blows up in my face as we run into a brick wall and that is something I can't forgive myself for.

Do you think maybe working towards an alternative slowly with small steps would help pull you both out of depression? You could just do some research to get the ball rolling.

 

There was a study just put out from Denmark, it solified what I had always thought. They said adults with children are less likely to commit suicide than those without, and young children add an extra layer guarding against suicide. That it is possible that the presence of children and/or young children may increase parents feelings of self worth, possibly based on their perception of being needed. Children might also provide emotional support to their parents during tough times. They also say that suicide victims also were at least twice as likely to have experienced the death of a child.

I hope you're not feeling suicidal, GG. Would you ask for help from someone local to you if you were feeling this way? It isn't something you should keep to yourself.

[Great Gazoo]

Well, more than that, I'm saying if you avoid people to avoid pain, you miss out on all the positives too. This would contribute to this "dead inside" feeling you described.

Thats a interesting thought and I would agree with that, it is something I will have to work on. It is not like I don't look for solutions, many times I have made progress but all it takes is one bad reminder and its a downward spiral.

 

 

I don't know the details of your story. I take it you've had problems conceiving. Did you lose a baby? I'm sorry for your troubles. I can see why it would hurt to be around kids.

Yes to both, conceiving problems first, miscarriage after, conceiving problems again, premature stillborn next then on mothers day last year pregnant again only for us to be forced to make the decision four weeks later to end it because it was a ectopic pregnancy and now back to conceiving problems again. I really try to put it all behind me and it is hard sometimes to be around families but it is something I have to move on with and keep it behind me.

 

 

Do you think maybe working towards an alternative slowly with small steps would help pull you both out of depression? You could just do some research to get the ball rolling.

Yeah we have looked into alot of different things already, the best option is for a international adoption. There is such a huge demand for babies that the only Canadians ones available suffer from FAS.

 

 

I hope you're not feeling suicidal, GG. Would you ask for help from someone local to you if you were feeling this way? It isn't something you should keep to yourself.

I was feeling pretty low but hopefully not that low. I do feel sometimes that I am just not going to make it but I find enough strength to pull through. I am hoping for better times ahead.

 

Again thanks for the input and I hope your having a good day yourself.

[Storyrider]

Yes to both, conceiving problems first, miscarriage after, conceiving problems again, premature stillborn next then on mothers day last year pregnant again only for us to be forced to make the decision four weeks later to end it because it was a ectopic pregnancy and now back to conceiving problems again. I really try to put it all behind me and it is hard sometimes to be around families but it is something I have to move on with and keep it behind me.

I'm so sorry to hear it. You and your wife have been through a lot. No wonder you are hurting.

 

Yeah we have looked into alot of different things already, the best option is for a international adoption.

 

Where I live, there are several families with children adopted from China. This seems to be going well for them. The process was relatively smooth; the kids seem happy and very well adjusted; and there are lots of clubs and support groups for families in these circumstances.

[Great Gazoo]

I'm so sorry to hear it. You and your wife have been through a lot. No wonder you are hurting.

 

 

 

Where I live, there are several families with children adopted from China. This seems to be going well for them. The process was relatively smooth; the kids seem happy and very well adjusted; and there are lots of clubs and support groups for families in these circumstances.

 

 

Thanks but thats the way things go, we have to get over it. The biggest complaint I have is about how the health care system treats cases like this, hell how it treats anybody about anything. When you have to start seeing 10 different specialist and wait 6 months per specialist it gets old fast.

 

I know of one couple that adopted a child from China also and everything seems to be going good. I know its a possibility, it is just a matter of time before my wife heals enough to feel better about it, just have to have some faith I guess.