Engaged crisis! Am I doing the right thing?

[Epsom]

I have been reading this site for a little while now and you guys give some great advice, so I thought I would ask. I have been stressing out very badly about my engagement this last week. I had a panic attack last night so I need some guidance.

 

My fiancée and I have been dating off and on for 5 years. We have been engaged a little over 7 months and the wedding is closing in. I love my fiancee and want to have a happy life with her, but more and more I am starting to think that we will not be able to obtain this.

 

My fiancee moved in with my parents and I about 6 months ago because her family (her aunt and the aunt’s boyfriend) decided to kick out the occupants of their house. I don’t blame the aunt for getting rid of my fiancee and her two cousins. They weren’t paying any rent and the cousins were slobs and did nothing around the house. My fiancee though is a clean person, so she would clean up around the house but would spend a lot of time complaining about how dirty it was. Since my fiancee and I have been living together (in separate rooms, parents request) We have been doing ok, but when we fight she just shuts her self off until she explodes, in either an emotional outbreak i.e. crying and calling her self worthless, or yelling at me for no apparent reason. She says that it is because we are in the house with my parents that we cannot fight (but it happens anyways) and that when we have our own place we can actually talk through it. I am taking this as, “When we have our own place I’ll be able to yell at you and won’t have to curb my emotions.”

 

She also hinted that when we have friends over and she doenst like them in our own place she can kick them out. I have given up many friends for her because she had a problem with them. Two weeks ago I had to tell one of my best friends that we weren’t going to talk to him and his g/f anymore because of something that they said to her. (that she was being overdramatic) That’s just some of the things that have happened in our relationship in the past and I got so emotionally beat up that I couldn’t stand it. Those are some of the reasons we broke up and got back together 4 times.

 

We got in a fight a week ago about me being inconsiderate. I took every measure other than holding her hand and asking her like a two year old what she wanted to do so I could avoid an argument. It got to the point where she was creating drama in the household because of the cold shoulder she was giving me. She wouldn’t tell me what I did wrong and looked at me as if I should know. I kept saying I don’t know what I did wrong can you please tell me? That way I could fix it. I just got he cold shoulder all day until I was off of work. I work at home so it makes it even more difficult when your family is there, your fiancee is not responding to you in front of them and then you have to go and finish work on top of it. The fight turned into a gigantic ordeal because I started to stand up for myself saying. It was because I didn’t offer to bring her home any lunch that she got so mad. I was out at a meeting with my dad and some future clients so we would be home after lunch time. I told her this and she said fine if that’s what you want…

 

Because we live at home it’s very hard to keep our fights separate from my family. My family only wants to help, but I know that I just have to keep my relationship my relationship and discuss things with my fiancee. I tried to keep it at that but it failed.

 

I was downstairs trying to fix dinner for us all and my dad was there to. He could see that I was upset. At this point he started getting angry because my fiancee and said she was going to help and “because she was upset about something” she refused to help me. This was the first time he’s gotten mad at her but there were other things that were leading up to this. The reasons were 1. She sat upstairs all day while I worked, 2. She was blowing things way out of proportion and was making a lot of tension in the household. 3. She has a dead end job and is only working 10-14 hours a week. 4. She wasn’t helping out around the house so most of the time when she was home she would just sit around reading or sleeping. So he told me that he was going to go talk to her about it. Now I know my dad and he is a very gentle guy, but I wanted this to be between my fiancee and I because she does not respond well to authority figures/parental figures. I went upstairs and told her what was going on, and she proceeded to blame me for taking side with my parents. It was all stuff that I had talked to her about before but it was causing stress with everyone now. We fought for about an hour, all while I left dinner downstairs a quarter prepared. All of a sudden she started crying. I mean crocodile tears, and choking. I didn’t understand why she was doing this, so I tried to calm her down. After another hour past of just straight crying she started saying that she was worthless and that I don’t deserve her. It was all an emotional attack on her part. She also started saying that her dad was right (her dad is a jerk and kicked her out when she was 18 for no reason) She then started saying, “All I could think about was slitting my wrists.” and things like that. She then proceeded to say that we weren’t ready for the wedding and that who would want to marry her anyways.

 

At this point I didn’t know what to do. This is not the first time something like this has happened with her. I can count maybe 10 times through our relationship where she has broken down like that. I can’t bear to see it. I don’t know if it is what I say that makes her do it or something else. I always try to be gentle with her because I know she has had a troubled past. Everyone I have ever talked about it to say I am handling it in the right way. For some reason it is not working.

 

She says the only way that the fight will get fixed is I have to apologize. Apologize for what? I don’t understand! I was trying to stand my ground and have her realize what I felt she was doing wrong. I didn’t yell at her…I just was saying what I felt.

 

Since that big blow out I have been having a recurring dream that I cheat on her and then the same day she says lets get married right now. I agree and then the girl I cheat with is at the ceremony, the cheating girls mother is marrying us, and when it comes to the I do, I freeze. I can’t say anything. Then I wake up. I’ve had it about 3 night in a row the last week.

 

I am getting very nervous about this whole thing. For one when we are happy we are great together I mean it’s the best. Then when we fight I just want to run because it gets so bad and I am really not a confrontational person.

 

The wedding is a little under four months away and now I don’t think I’ll be able to pay for it. One reason is her dad is not helping at all. I have to pay for it all. I make good money but for what she wants…it’s not enough. During the fight last week she ordered a thousand dollar package of flowers without really asking me. She said she showed it to me before but I don’t remember that. If she did I would have told her it’s too expensive. She did it because she needed to do something for herself. Her words. It was on my credit card too. It was only the down payment but I can almost not afford the place let alone the 1000 dollar flowers. It was her decision to have it at the expensive place and have all the expensive things in it. I told her I don’t have the money, but she doesn’t listen…and is saying I’m trying to cut corners every where. Which I have to. I don’t want to start off my new marriage in debt. I am trying so hard to get out of it, but I have to pay for her stuff too. So I’m fighting an uphill battle that I cant seem to win She isn’t helping pay for it either. I talked to her on numerous occasions about her getting a new job or another one that at least give her more hours but she just blows it off.

 

I’m sorry this is so long but I am in desperate need of guidance. I am almost at the point I just want to give up and run away for a while. I love her. I love her a lot. I just can’t put up with these fights anymore. We have been going to pre-marital counseling. It helped for a while but now…it doesn’t seem to have helped at all. What do you think I should do? I have tried so hard to make this relationship work but I don’t think I can trust her with anything other than she wont cheat on me. Am I overreacting or should I just count my losses and move on? Or should I suggest we postpone the wedding until we can get out of debt and work out this fighting thing?

 

 

Thanks for any help you can give me.

 

-E

[corazoncito]

I really feel for what you're going through. I've been engaged, had doubts about the relationship once I really saw what I was in for long-term, and called it off the wedding. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do for both of us.

 

To be blunt, I think the engagement should be called off. These problems sound horrible and they will just get a 100 times worse once you're married. How old are you both? You sound young and maybe neither of you is ready for marriage yet, regardless of how long you've been dating (off and on).

 

The fact the premarital counseling isn't working is not good. I think you should encourage her seek out IC, for her own good. Maybe if she shows some signs of growing up after that you can consider getting engaged again, but right now that's just a bad idea.

 

If you do get engaged again, I'd still recommend doing the premarital counseling, but somewhere other than where you're getting it now, since it seems ineffective.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

[curly1]

Can I ask how old she is? I am not trying to sound sarcastic, but she doesn't seem to be emotionally mature enough to get married. You have to think of the long term impact here. Are you planning on having children? How do you think your future kids would feel about being raised in this type of environment? I am not saying she isn't worth being with. But, marriage before she gets some help might not be a wise decision on your part. You really do need to establish mutual respect and partnership prior to marriage.

 

I will say that living with inlaws can drive you insane. I am sure that is adding to her state of being right now.

 

Good luck:)

[Epsom]

I really feel for what you're going through. I've been engaged, had doubts about the relationship once I really saw what I was in for long-term, and called it off the wedding. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do for both of us.

 

To be blunt, I think the engagement should be called off. These problems sound horrible and they will just get a 100 times worse once you're married. How old are you both? You sound young and maybe neither of you is ready for marriage yet, regardless of how long you've been dating (off and on).

 

The fact the premarital counseling isn't working is not good. I think you should encourage her seek out IC, for her own good. Maybe if she shows some signs of growing up after that you can consider getting engaged again, but right now that's just a bad idea.

 

If you do get engaged again, I'd still recommend doing the premarital counseling, but somewhere other than where you're getting it now, since it seems ineffective.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

 

Thanks for the advice and speedy response! We are both 22 at the moment she is just a few months older than I am.

 

I did recomend during our last fight after she had calmed down to go talk to someone professional about whats going on. I know I am going to go talk to someone in the next couple of days about it. Just so I can be certain about everything. She also got upset and started saying that I thought she was crazy...I tried my best to say, no your not we just have problems that need to be worked out but I dont think she took it that way

 

Our counseling is more about the tools needed to have a successful marriage. So we are not really getting into details about what has happened before, we are looking towards the future and not the past.

 

Thanks Again.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Unless she gets some serious counseling for her passive agressive behavior and her past issues, the way it is now is pretty much the best its ever going to be, and will continue to go downhill from there.

[Bobster999]

My sincere opinion is for you to run as fast as you can. Do not look back and keep running.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with LB, she needs counselling. Infact, it could help both of you grow together if you two went to couples therapy together, or pre-marital counselling.

 

Don't set a wedding date yet until you two can learn how to communicate and listen to eachother.

[Touche]

This has so many red flags written all over it that it's not even funny.

 

If you marry her, you will be miserable. And the divorce will be hell. (And I can almost GUARANTEE a divorce in this case.)

 

She's not marriage material at this point. Far from it. And I agree that it WILL get worse..no doubt about it.

[LoveLace]

Love is not always enough. Do not plan a wedding until this is worked on further; but even after that fact, this just may be her and it may not ever change. You can't risk that. Yes you love her, but imagine this for a lifetime. You would not be happy. We can love someone but it doesn't mean we're happy...there is no point in sticking around unless the problem areas can be for sure resolved. You would have to see some dramatic, genuine changes in her before you should consider marriage. I highly suggest you tell her that. She probably won't handle it well, but you have to think about your self and your own happiness right now. She will never make another person happy until she is happy herself. She has to work on this before committing to someone.

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree with what everyone above posted - with one more thing to add. This girl is not meeting you even close to halfway - not emotionally, not financially, not anyway.

 

She is out of school, only works 10-14 hours a week and doesn't help in the house? She expects you to pay for an extravagant wedding? What is she contributing here? How can you think that you will be able to build a partnership with her?

 

I also think she is manipulating the hell out of you. She knows precisely what to say to make you feel sorry for her.

 

I know this will be very painful for you both, but I really think either ending or slowing this relationship way down will be the right thing for each of you in the long run.

 

Good luck.

[norajane]

I agree with everyone else - no marriage, and serious individual counseling for her.

 

And I will add: take your credit card AWAY from her before she drowns you in debt.

[Phoebe]

My sincere opinion is for you to run as fast as you can. Do not look back and keep running.

 

I agree with Bobster.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's a cliche, but you can't love someone else until you love yourself. Given you fiancee's issues, I'd at least demand a few years of IC and a different demeanor before I'd consider marriage. She also needs to live somewhere else while she's working through things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Epsom]

**Update**

So we talked last night about everything going on. It started off talking about finances for the wedding, and looking at it, we are still going to be in debt and we will have to scrimp on every single aspect of the wedding. She looked into ways to cut down costs, which in turn meant finding another place to have the wedding, firing the Dj, cutting the flower cost in half, and basically just having it at our church. This made us both unhappy, but it was the truth

 

We then started to talk about what was going on, because I was kind of avoiding her yesterday. I know thats not the best thing to do, but I needed to think. I told her that I was thinking about a lot of stuff and that I needed a little more time to sort things out. She wouldn't let me, which i understand because I don't normally let her. We always try to talk things out, unless we are having a blow out. So I told her that I was having doubts about if we were ready to be married and I was afraid that there would be divorce in our future. I also said that I wanted to go see individual conselors because our relationship has all these past issues that we(I) have overlooked and just let skate by. She was upset about the whole thing and asked me why I hadn't brought this stuff up sooner. I brought it up about a week ago when we were having the blow out but i think it was ignored.

 

She said she agreed that we needed couseling, but if I changed the date of our wedding she would leave. Her mother is out from arizona right now and is on vacation. She said she would just go back with them if i pushed back the wedding. I was still in this kind of emotional haze, because of whats been happening culminated last night, so I didn't respond right away. I was trying to think of a solution the best I could, but my mind was just a big pile of emotional mush...I hate it when that happens but it seems to happen to me in these emotional "talks" So I agreed not to push the date back but we would have to do serious counseling before the wedding. She half agreed with me saying that couseling costs a lot of money and that we should just see the guy we are seeing now, that we should just talk to him about the nitty gritty rather than just learning tools for a sucessful marriage.

 

Somehow after all this was done, she suggested that I get another job. Her reasoning was that if I were to get another job, that we wouldn't have to worry as much about the expenses. I already have a full time job and this made me mad. She is trying to get another job, but I will still be making more money than she is with two jobs. This made me mad because she has contributed so little in the financial department. I admit I haven't been the best with the finances, I spend a little too much and don't save like I should, but I still save and try to pay and save for everything I can. Then she said something that made sense to me, she looked at the situation this way, because I was not helping with the planning much (I haven't had much say in the planning other than the money) That I should try to contribute more in the other areas. I understand what she is saying, I have been a bit distant in some of our matters and I need to step up.

 

Some of the advise you have given me has opened my eyes. I think what I am going to try to do is stick it out for awhile longer. I do have a tendancy to run away from my biggest problems in life, because I hate confrontation. My parents are leaving on a trip in june for about a month, so we can really go at these issues together without outside influence other than couseling and advise from wise people. If it doens't change by then...I'm gone. I'm really taking Mr. lucky's advise to heart, "you can't love someone else until you love yourself." So couseling for us both is a must.

[Touche]

You're making the biggest mistake of your life.

 

So if I understand you correctly, if you push the wedding date back, she's gone forever? It's emotional blackmail.

 

So she's willing to leave the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with because you want to change the wedding date? Think about that. And get used to it quick. Because once you're married that's what she's going to do each and every time she doesn't get her way...threaten to leave you.

 

God, this is such a trainwreck. If you were my son, I'd get down on my knees and BEG you to not do this. I really don't want you to be one of those who comes back here and says "I wished I had listened to all of you." You seem so smart and WAY too nice. She's manipulating you left and right. She has you so you don't know if you're coming or going.

 

What a disaster this is.

 

Call her bluff. Push the wedding date back and she if she really leaves. She's a bully. Bet she doesn't really leave. And if she does, then this was absolutely not meant to me. I mean if she can throw you away that easily...geezz. Good luck, you're really gonna need it with this one!

[4whatItsWorth]

You sound like a really sweet guy, and I am sorry you are not feeling so happy about the upcoming wedding.

 

I recognize a lot of my own behaviour in your girlfriend's actions, except I always apologize afterwards. She sounds very insecure, BUT also VERY manipulative. Tears, saying you don't deserve her...she was you to say "I don't deserve you", feed her ego, and manipulates you with crying.

 

My fiance always says "if you don't tell me what is wrong - I can't fix it." which is the truth - how can you fix her problems if she won't say what you did wrong? You need to make sure she realises this herself, you're no mindreader.

 

I think you should take the credit cards away, cancel the wedding and make demands. Say no wedding plans until IC. And let her know you have concerns regarding the way you two communicate and that you love her and wants to be with her - just let her know you won't be all walked over anymore.

[Touche]

You're making the biggest mistake of your life.

 

So if I understand you correctly, if you push the wedding date back, she's gone forever? It's emotional blackmail.

 

So she's willing to leave the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with because you want to change the wedding date? Think about that. And get used to it quick. Because once you're married that's what she's going to do each and every time she doesn't get her way...threaten to leave you.

 

God, this is such a trainwreck. If you were my son, I'd get down on my knees and BEG you to not do this. I really don't want you to be one of those who comes back here and says "I wished I had listened to all of you." You seem so smart and WAY too nice. She's manipulating you left and right. She has you so you don't know if you're coming or going.

 

What a disaster this is.

 

Call her bluff. Push the wedding date back and she if she really leaves. She's a bully. Bet she doesn't really leave. And if she does, then this was absolutely not meant to be. I mean if she can throw you away that easily...geezz. Good luck, you're really gonna need it with this one!

[corazoncito]

She said she agreed that we needed couseling, but if I changed the date of our wedding she would leave. Her mother is out from arizona right now and is on vacation. She said she would just go back with them if i pushed back the wedding.

 

Somehow after all this was done, she suggested that I get another job. Her reasoning was that if I were to get another job, that we wouldn't have to worry as much about the expenses.

 

Don't just push back the wedding! Call it OFF!!! To be honest, I think she'd be doing you a favor if she went back to her mommy. Seriously, that threat was a HUGE indicator of how she will deal with conflict in the years to come if you marry her. She'll throw a tantrum and hold her breath until you give in.

 

If you keep going ahead with the wedding as scheduled, she has NO motivation to make any changes. Unless you make getting married contingent on first seeing some improvements in your communication and seeing eye to eye on finances, she has NO reason to work towards improving the relationship.

 

Right now, all she has to do is play along, make some token gestures, and wait out the time until your wedding day arrives, after which, apparently you'll be completely financially responsible for her and whatever whims enter her head. And you'll then be back to exactly where you are now, or perhaps an even worse situation. Probably worse because then she'll feel even more free to yell and whine at you to her (immature) heart's desire.

[Touche]

Oops, sorry for that double post. That's what I get for trying to multi-task!

 

I agree with coranzon. She's pretty much showing you now how it's going to be when you get married.

 

And that's so bogus about how she's doing the planning so you have to pay and get another job. Sheesh..you fell for that? Tell her that you'll help more with the planning then, and let HER get another job. Tell her you don't don't give a rap about the flowers and the disc jockey...etc. etc. See what she says then.

 

She's a real piece of work this one. Surely, you can do better than this!

[LulaMae]

I agree with most of the posts here. And having recently been faced with this situation (I ended up postponing my wedding but feel that we are now on solid ground), I think that you should actually call off the wedding or postpone with the future date "to be determined".

 

Communication is key and your fiancee has used very manipulative tactics to get her way in most situations. Sounds like she really needs to do some healing on her own before marriage. She is using tactics that children often use with their parents to "get their way". With all you've been doing and dealing with (many men would have kicked her out a long time ago), you deserve to be met halfway. I am planning most of my wedding (although my fiance contributes in terms of making decisions and running errands), and we are both paying equally for the wedding. Because she is doing the planning does not mean that you pay more! And her spending an exorbitant amount of flowers as revenge is a real red flag that she can't be trusted with your finances.

 

I agree that you should either call her bluff in terms of her moving out, or have a heartfelt talk in terms of her moving out and supporting herself. At 22 it seems that both of you are really young and have not had the challenges of supporting yourselves and living independent of your parents/family.

 

Where do you plan to live after the wedding? Maybe an alternative is to suggest the two of you getting an apt together to see if you can be self-sufficient and then see where the wedding plans fall into place after that. If you don't want a confrontation, and you don't want to leave the relationship, I think just telling her that you can't afford a wedding right now and would prefer that you two get an apt so that you can be out of your parents house is a safe way to do it. You can agree to live in an apt, create a wedding budget and both contribute to it. With you working, let's see if she will take care of the house and contribute otherwise. If she can't agree to that, then she is never going to meet you half-way. Living together first may be a safe bet for you two right now. Good luck!

[polywog]

I agree with everything everyone else has said, and very much with Touche's post above. It's awful, but I think you need to reconsider this marriage, and even this relationship. She sounds like a taker, not a giver.... like a person who can never be pleased or happy. This makes a bad, Bad life partner for you. Sorry to say this, but both your posts make me want to tell you to run away, heal, and find a mate who truly respects and appreciates you. From what you've said here, it's not her.

[quankanne]

again, there are so many red flags that pop up in your post that I'm thinking that you prolly should end things now, for both your sakes.

 

she is being manipulative and you're allowing it by not wanting to rock the boat. I'm sorry, but telling your partner "yes, we need help, but if you change things, I'm leaving" and "You need to get another job to pay for the wedding I want since you're not helping with the planning" is flat-out wrong. I know you don't want to be the bad guy, but you're going to get even deeper into a horrible situation that shouldn't have gotten past dating, IMO.

 

if you love her and yourself, then for pete's sake, CALL THE WEDDING OFF!!! You're not in the wrong for putting a hold on things when you've sensed something is terribly wrong. And you're not giving her the necessary incentive to change or mature by giving in just because you don't want the hassle of dealing with her bad side or appearing "mean."

 

if you don't do this for your relationship now, you're pretty much ruined after the marriage – she's going to feel that manipulation is okay and will not hesitate to use it on you.

[bab]

Holy Crap!!! DO NOT do it!!!

 

She is expecting you to become her keeper. Don't fall for it. She will ruin your life. I'm dead serious. She's thrown up every single red flag in the book. The two of you are not ready for marriage. Marriage is a partnership.

 

You are young, wait a couple of years. Ask her to move out and live on her own. This is a crazy situation.