goodmom Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 This morning was my son's middle school honor's assembly. He received a medal and certificate for a 4.00 average for the year. His dad missed the event. This is the stuff that sucks.
mammax3 Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Ugh. That really does. How did you and your son handle it? What did you say, what was his response or expectation of his dad? I'm still too far away from these types of situations, but they often plague my thoughts. I'm sorry that you both had to go through this.
Author goodmom Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 It is sad--neither child has any expectations. WS called last night and is taking son to baseball game on Sunday in honor of his accomplishment. He offered no excuse why he wasn't there.
Mustang Sally Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Geez. These kinds of stories bring out the "Mama Bear" in me. (Don't f*ck with my cubs, or you'll have one angry b*tch of a bear up your a$$...) I'm sorry you and your son had to deal with that. How did he do? Was he obviously disappointed? I think that is so hard to watch as a parent. Continue to be there for him and don't denigrate your ex. You can still be a great role model and source of support, even if xH can't fulfill his end of the deal all the time... (((Hugs to you and your son)))
Author goodmom Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 It is hard not to say derogatory things about his dad--but I didn't--and I am the one who gets to see the certificate and the medal and put the sticker on my car that says "Proud parent of a middle school honor student." The event was at 9:00 a.m. If I had my guess, WS has a late night enjoying his newfound freedom with OW.
directx Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 It is hard not to say derogatory things about his dad--but I didn't--and I am the one who gets to see the certificate and the medal and put the sticker on my car that says "Proud parent of a middle school honor student." The event was at 9:00 a.m. If I had my guess, WS has a late night enjoying his newfound freedom with OW. I'm sorry, did I miss Dad's side of the story? Because obviously people must be comparing both sides if we are to draw conclusions thats dad is bad. We are given very little info about 'dad' other than he missed this middle school event. Was he told? Was he told properly? Before we start piling on 'dad', lets not forget how two parents that do not get along can manipulate children, events, and each other to make the other look bad. I've seen hateful/hurtful parents go at it. This post reaks of 'I need the confirmation of others that the father of my child is a bad person. Just look at what he did now!' Meanwhile, 'dad's communication of being 'told' of the even was an email to a computer account he barely uses or a message left on his phone at his office the NIGHT before, knowing there is no way he could get it, but she can cry 'I left you a message and didnt come, you MONSTER!'. Hey, just trying to be fair.
Author goodmom Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 (I've seen hateful/hurtful parents go at it. This post reaks of 'I need the confirmation of others that the father of my child is a bad person. Just look at what he did now!' Meanwhile, 'dad's communication of being 'told' of the even was an email to a computer account he barely uses or a message left on his phone at his office the NIGHT before, knowing there is no way he could get it, but she can cry 'I left you a message and didnt come, you MONSTER!'. Hey, just trying to be fair.) Again--another great post of support on this board. I did not post for several weeks because of another post asking if I ever considered it was my fault that my WS had an affair. directX--I PERSONALLY told WS about the event and PERSONALLY gave him a copy of the notice. WS also told son he would be at event. Since there was no explanation to either myself or son of why he wasn't there, I can only assume "something came up." After everything I have been through with WS, I certainly don't need confirmation from anyone on this board that he is a bad person.
directx Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Well the type of information you posted would have been helpful about your personal contacts with WS. But you can see my point as well. So what exactly was the goal of your post? To further villify the WS or just have people agree he is a bad man. Did you find out WHY he missed it? What did he have to say? Did an emergency come up?
Trimmer Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 After everything I have been through with WS, I certainly don't need confirmation from anyone on this board that he is a bad person. I sympathize and empathize, but I also see some of directx's points. Something I would suggest is that you separate the character of your WS from the character of your childrens' father. At the moment, I think you are still mixing them. Understandable (and I know wherefrom I speak, by experience...) but if you can, it's something to wean yourself away from in the long run, if the good of your children remains your goal. Your child's father didn't make it to an event that he knew about. If he did it because it was a whack at you, his spouse, then yes, that sucks. If that were the case, than he would be confusing his role as father with his role as your spouse, which I agree, he shouldn't do. On the other hand, parents have missed kids' events before without major trauma. Under normal circumstances, it's just an unfortunate fact of life. When he didn't show up, and you didn't know why, though, you immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was because he was up late with his OW. Now you are the one mixing his role as spouse with his role as parent - in the long run, just as unhelpful to your kids' healthy development as it is when he does it... "I don't know why dad didn't make it today, something must have come up..." It's enough for them, and it should be enough for you, too. Look, I understand the mamma-bear response - it's not just moms, incidentally - and I understand the betrayed spouse response, too. Just the other day, my kids had a question I didn't know the answer to - which I admitted - and one of them said very innocently, "we should ask <OM>, maybe he'll know..." Do I need to tell you what a knife to the gut that is? But the important thing to me - irrespective of what my wife has done - is that my kids still have the best shot at knowing that their two parents love them with all their heart, and so I support her enthusiastically in her role as mother, and part of that for me is giving her the benefit of the doubt - in her role as mother - even when I am not able to do that with her as (ex) wife. So I smiled - even giggled a little to myself at the irony - and shook it off. I am done. Hey, "support" doesn't always take the form of just agreeing blankly with someone's statements. Sometimes it takes the form of some honest reflection and consideration of possible counterpoints and other angles and approaches. I've been through what you have - not exactly, but something a lot like it - and I've come out the other side, partly out of hearing and considering honest counterpoints like directx's. You are in a painful place, but if you are really focused on the good of your children, these are useful things to consider, when you are ready.
notspiritual Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 If I had my guess, WS has a late night I can only assume "something came up. Do not guess. Do not assume. Get the facts right. Many problems within a couple arise when one spouse assumes too much, interprets things incorrectly or see everything too negatively. Learn empathy. Good intentions are very often misunderstood. WS called last night and is taking son to baseball game on Sunday in honor of his accomplishment. Dad does not seem to be a complete *******. This is the stuff that sucks. neither child has any expectations Maybe Dad not coming to the assembly bothered you more than it bothered the kid. Stop assuming. Start living.
mammax3 Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 Interesting points Trimmer. I understand that goodmom doesnt want to post in this thread, but your perspective and points really rang through me. I'd love to be able to turn my head around and look at the situation from the points you did. And that's due to you having been there/done that? Wow. I hope you can shed light like that for me someday. I'm just beginning to understand the duality of parent role vs ex-spouse/co-parent role and how they mesh and diverge together. So far it hasn't been an issue for me, but it no doubt will. Had I been the op, I think I would have been 'looking' for a vent so it doesn't smack into me and the kids, preventing me from maintaining balance and non-b*tchy talk to the kids about dad. Also, maybe 'looking' for ways to deal the next time it happens, how to talk to the kids etc. I agree, parents have missed kids events with no major trauma, but if it comes on the heels of a separation or divorce then as the 'mammabear' I'd be VERY concerned that this was going to be the NWO. I'd want to protect my 'cubs' from this sort of hurt that may become the norm. I always have to remind myself to slow down and not jump to conclusions, this would be one of those times. Anyway, just wanted to say that, I like the way you can look at the relationships of the co-parentors, Trimmer.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I'm sorry, did I miss Dad's side of the story? Because obviously people must be comparing both sides if we are to draw conclusions thats dad is bad. We are given very little info about 'dad' other than he missed this middle school event. Was he told? Was he told properly? Before we start piling on 'dad', lets not forget how two parents that do not get along can manipulate children, events, and each other to make the other look bad. I've seen hateful/hurtful parents go at it. This post reaks of 'I need the confirmation of others that the father of my child is a bad person. Just look at what he did now!' Meanwhile, 'dad's communication of being 'told' of the even was an email to a computer account he barely uses or a message left on his phone at his office the NIGHT before, knowing there is no way he could get it, but she can cry 'I left you a message and didnt come, you MONSTER!'. Hey, just trying to be fair. Sorry... but if you'd read Goodmom's previous posts, you'd know her STBX has been gaslighting her for the past six months or better. She's also posted that her therapist suspects him of narcissistic tendencies over the last 22 years. Certainly he's expressed as much through his actions. It seems to me, that in order to be a good parent, one must first be a decent human being. "Decent" people don't treat their family members like this. Trimmer's example is laudable. It ought to be The Goal for divorced parents everywhere. But not everyone is fortunate enough to be working with a partner who's capable of prioritizing their children (or anybody but themselves for that matter). One of the beautiful things about divorce is that you're no longer required to assist your former partner in his relationships. When it comes to his future relationship with the kids... he'll either sink or swim without your help or hindrance, Goodmom. Your best bet is to step back. It's hard to do and hard to watch. You can't protect your babies like you used to, because it's better if they know him for who and what he is, rather than to set up false illusions. Even though you might really want to call him to the carpet and MAKE him be a good father to them... you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. The priority has to be creating a safe and emotionally secure environment for your children within the home. Your relationship with them is paramount. It's the only one you have control over. Answer their questions as honestly as you can, without emotionalism or supposition, and maintain the integrity of the bond YOU have with them. Let them develop their own conclusions in regard to their father. To do otherwise, is eventually a disservice to them.
Recommended Posts