Who will he choose?

[april sunshine]

Hi everyone....I thought I would share my story, and hopefully recieve some advice from those of you who know better! About a month ago I caught up with a friend whom I had not seen for fifteen years, we were best friends as teenagers...and he was very much in love with me. When I began a relationship with the person I later married, my friend was devestated, and it took him several years to begin a relationship, as he was unable to find 'another me'. Skip to the present...I contacted him via email several weeks ago, and he invited me to dinner. At the end of the evening he told me that he still loves me, that he has always loved me. He has been in a relationship for eight years - married for the last three years, and has a 1y/o son. Although his wife is a nice person, with only the usual faults we all have...my friend was ready to leave her with the intent of pursuing a relationship with me, as he believes that he and I have a connection that he has never had with his wife. He also feels that he and I have a certain 'spark' that he has never experienced with another woman.

 

I asked him not to leave his wife...I felt that he should take the time to be certain that he is making the right decision. Now I feel almost ill that he will change his mind and stay with his wife as I love him, I feel as though I have loved him for half of my life. We are both in our thirties. I have been divorced for several years, and have two children - 16 and 11.

 

Initially when we first began seeing each other, he was very enthusiastic about seeing me as often as he could....this was in a non-intimate sense as there has not been much opportunity to see one another in private. Our get-togethers consist mainly of lunch breaks etc. We have been intimate on one occasion. I get the feeling that he is in the midst of making a decision about leaving his wife, but is trying not to involve me in the process as he know's that I feel guilty about our situation. I have been concerned that the frequency of our contact has dropped off in the last week or so....as his wife is very suspicious.

 

He has said things to me that I am seeing as positive in terms of a potential future together, examples of these are; I have been the most significant woman in his life, that I set the bar when he was a young man, and he has not found anyone who has been able to match it. That although his wife is a fantastic person, she has never had the emotional impact on him that I have had. He feels that he should leave his wife even if I never gave him a chance, as the way he feels about me is an emotional betrayal to his wife anyway.

 

I have always known that I love him, and regretted very early on in my marriage the silly choices I had made. I never stopped thinking about him, and I have always wished that I had done things differently....I have never met another man who I have felt so happy with as this one....he is a very nice, decent and caring guy, he has a great sense of humour, everything about him is amazing. he recently told me that ' for the rest of my life, I will always be gentle with your heart'. I feel as though I could spend every minute of the rest of my life with him and it wouldn't be enough.

 

I dissuaded him from making any quick decisions about his marriage because I was worried that he would have regrets....now I am scared that I will lose him. He says that he wishes his wife would somehow find out about us....as it would 'bring things to a head', but at the same time he doesn't want to hurt her. I imagine that he is also struggling with moving away from living with his young son whom he adores, and also having to consider the idea that I am not prepared to have another baby, while he would like to have more children. he has however said that this would be a sacrifice he is willing to live with in order to be with me.

 

I suppose I am wanting some input from others as to what a likely outcome might be....I have never been in a situation like this before and I have no idea what to expect. I am hoping that we will end up together, as I love him.....there is no one else for me, I would rather continue on alone than choose another second best. It's funny how I have been very happy as a single woman for the past 5 years, and all of a sudden, since I have found him again, I feel lonely, because I am so worried I will lose him.

 

Advice would be much appreciated! It would be great to hear from women who have experienced similar situations, and also men...a male perspective would be helpful...

[Ruby Tuesday]

"he has however said that this would be a sacrifice he is willing to live with in order to be with me."

 

My FWS used to say the same thing except he told the OW he'd chosen to live a life of hell for his children to be with OW.

 

Ironicly, he never changed a diaper or fed them or raised them. I bought and washed their clothing. Their toys. I took them to school. To the doctor and to the park. I was the responsible one.

 

He just used them to facilitate his affair.

 

Do not make any life altering changes based on a short term situation if you value your sanity.

[Seen_It_All]

...my friend was ready to leave her with the intent of pursuing a relationship with me...

Go ahead, tell him to leave. Watch how the excuses fly.

 

These guys love to run their big mouths but when it comes time to actually put their money where their mouths are, they chicken out. Yours wouldn't be the first to make this claim, and he won't be the last.

 

I asked him not to leave his wife...I felt that he should take the time to be certain that he is making the right decision.

I know you think he's only 'staying' because you asked him, but like most cowards, he ain't leaving.

 

....as his wife is very suspicious.

Don't be surprised how quickly he scrapes you off his shoe if his wife finds out. You'll be quite amazed how his tune will change in his attempt to save his own skin. You'll suddenly become a stalker who persued HIM and wouldn't leave HIM alone. You'll suddenly become just a 'friend' whom he never, ever touched. It's amazing how quickly they'll throw you to the wolves when it concerns saving themselves.

 

I have been the most significant woman in his life, that I set the bar when he was a young man, and he has not found anyone who has been able to match it. That although his wife is a fantastic person, she has never had the emotional impact on him that I have had.

We've ALL heard that from MM. I think it's from page #16 in the MM Manual.

 

He says that he wishes his wife would somehow find out about us....as it would 'bring things to a head', but at the same time he doesn't want to hurt her.

Typical coward. They ALL say this. He's a typical conflict avoider who claims he was all ready to leave for you, then he changes his story to, "I wish wifey would find out so she'd make my decision for ME." Don't monogram those towels just yet.

 

...he is a very nice, decent and caring guy, he has a great sense of humour, everything about him is amazing.

He is? He's married 8 years to a woman he's now totally disrespecting, and has a 1 year innocent CHILD he's willing to throw away - all in the name of love? You're kidding, right?

 

I suppose I am wanting some input from others as to what a likely outcome might be....

The likely outcome - as is the case with most affairs - is that you're wasting your life on a lying coward. He'll ask you to continue to wait for him until his kid is in school, then it will be until the kid is older, then it will be until the kid is in high school, then it will be when the kid graduates, then it will be when the kid graduates college, and so on and so on. Don't be surprised if his wife gets pregnant again in the near future, either. If she's suspicious like he says, then he's doing double duty at home trying to smoothe things over.

 

...since I have found him again, I feel lonely

Get used to it because it's all he's ever going to offer you - plenty of ALONE time.

 

It would be great to hear from women who have experienced similar situations

Been there, done that, read far too many stories of OW having been there as well. And they all ended the same exact way.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Don't monogram those towels just yet.

 

Seen it all, that's funny!!

 

If you believe that he loves you step out of his life all together until he divorces his wife, otherwise you are showing him by your actions that you are willing to be a part of his triangle and that you agree that HIS feelings are the only ones that matter in this triangle. That's a bad way to start a mutual relationship, YOU are most important and the rest of us will put up with whatever while YOU sort your life out. I hope you think better of yourself than that, if you don't he never will.

[IpAncA]

I feel lonely, because I am so worried I will lose him.

 

He's married. You've lost him unless he divorces and decides to marry you.

 

But if his W finds out, chances of them working things out are there.

[frannie]

HAlthough his wife is a nice person, with only the usual faults we all have...my friend was ready to leave her with the intent of pursuing a relationship with me, as he believes that he and I have a connection that he has never had with his wife. He also feels that he and I have a certain 'spark' that he has never experienced with another woman.

 

He says that he wishes his wife would somehow find out about us....as it would 'bring things to a head', but at the same time he doesn't want to hurt her. I imagine that he is also struggling with moving away from living with his young son whom he adores...

 

 

After a few weeks of (renewed) contact with you, this man was ready to leave her with the intent of being with you..?

 

That smacks of stupidity and wrecklessness on his part. He barely knows you and he has a young kid.

 

The second quote from you is even worse and more confused... he thinks that her finding out would be good because it would 'bring things to a head' (coward) but SCREAMINGLY... he 'doesn't want to hurt her'... and blah blah...

 

This man, and this situation... both a total and utter waste of time. You got back in contact with him post-divorce perhaps from your own interest... (question) and now you had a few umms and ahhs from him but to be honest from my point of view this man is best off in your past.

 

And he makes me sick with all this talk of futures... he has a little child there and a wife he 'doesn't want to hurt'... leave him to his fantasies and be glad you're not her.

[april sunshine]

Thank-you all for your comments...you have definately given me something to think about. Maybe I should just walk away from this; I am already discovering that being in this situation is stressful and demoralising.

 

To answer your question Frannie, I did not contact him with an expectation that anything of a romantic nature would happen. Fifteen years is a long time to be out of touch, and life can change a person. I have been single for six years - happily so. I have had reason not to be in a relationship for the duration, and I was very much caught off guard in this current situation. It seems that it would be wise for me to resume my former attitude towards risking a relationship....

[Ripples]

I am already discovering that being in this situation is stressful and demoralising.

 

You know it'll only get worse if you don't scrape him off your shoe and get back to being happy

[Ruby Tuesday]

I'd have to agree with Frannie. You don't just turn your life upside down for someone you have only been with for a month, that seems a little flighty to me too. Maybe it's just too good to be true.

 

We're very similar, but my story is the other way around, I was abandoned while I was still married to him for someone he knew for a short amount of time in comparison. Then when he finally regretted his horrible decision, only then he came back. I'm sure people would say I'm foolish too. You see, we're not so different.

 

My FWS and I have been reconcilling for a year (after a LTA) and I am still not sure what the future holds. We have been together for 20 years. He's done some pretty stupid sh*t, really bad things he'd never do to his OW, but was okay to do to his own wife. He sleeps like a baby at night.

 

Who will he choose? Hell. Why cant we be the ones who get to choose? Why do we ever choose somebody who chose to treat us like Monday's leftovers? Why do give them so much, just to settle for so little in return?

[april sunshine]

I appreciate your input.....I think that I do have a choice, I can choose to tell him that I am not prepared to put myself through the misery that is fast heading in my direction. I can also say that I am not comfortable with colluding to ultimately cause pain for his wife. I am trying to sort out my feelings here.....they are being complicated by the fact the the basis of my relationship with him has been friendship as opposed to romance. When we were younger we did everything together, and we have both missed the friendship we had. A difficulty that I did not foresee is the fact that his wife is not comfortable with him having any female friends; she prefers that they only socialise with other married couples, and doesn't have any of her single friends over to visit. The wife also 'banned' my friend from having any involvement with me years ago, as she felt that his feelings for me were 'more than friendly'. This meant that we lost touch...neither of us were happy about it, but as I was married, and he was also in a relationship, we chose to leave things be. Over the years he has become a bit resentful of the restrictions around around his social opportunities generally. In the past he has wanted to introduce his wife to me, so that our friendship could continue, but she has not been willing to meet me.

 

He is in a position that he is not wanting to lose me as a friend again, quite apart from any attraction issues...but we are unable to even confine our relationship to an 'out in the open', above board, no romance scenario, as his wife will leave if she finds out he has been in touch with me again. He is at the point where he is upset with her rules. He has never before given her any reason to mistrust him.

 

I am leaning towards a decision that will likely invole me saying to him that I can offer freindship only, as long as he is married, but I am not prepared to be secretive about it. He can then make the choice to be assertive around negotiating some of the 'rules' he has chosen to live with...or, he can decide not to rock the boat. Either way, I will have solved my own ethical/emotional dilemma.....

[Ruby Tuesday]

Maybe its your past love scenario that is keeping it alive? When we fantasize about the past loves (true loves) we lose sight of the "man" he really is, flaws and all. We have to look at them as they are.

 

This is a man who is clearly capable of deceit and betrayal, and by having an affair with him you set your own boundaries for him, which there is relatively none. The bar has dropped.

 

Well, of course he would resent that he cant do what he wants now that he has you, thats typical WS language.

 

She probably doesnt entertain "single male friends" either and that would be fair and equal. We make sacrifices in any relationship, its all give and take... some just become better takers. lol. KWIM?

 

Im my marriage, I never restricted my husband. I had blind trust and faith in him always, but now I regret not setting boundaries because he clearly forgot any sign of what those boundaries were.

[april sunshine]

Maybe its your past love scenario that is keeping it alive? When we fantasize about the past loves (true loves) we lose sight of the "man" he really is, flaws and all. We have to look at them as they are.

 

This is a man who is clearly capable of deceit and betrayal, and by having an affair with him you set your own boundaries for him, which there is relatively none. The bar has dropped.

 

Well, of course he would resent that he cant do what he wants now that he has you, thats typical WS language.

 

She probably doesnt entertain "single male friends" either and that would be fair and equal. We make sacrifices in any relationship, its all give and take... some just become better takers. lol. KWIM?

 

Im my marriage, I never restricted my husband. I had blind trust and faith in him always, but now I regret not setting boundaries because he clearly forgot any sign of what those boundaries were.

 

 

 

There was never any romance between the two of us in the past......platonic friendship only. There was definately a physical attraction, but I was wary of potentialy ruining the friendship by 'complicating' it with intimacy. I was deluded enough to believe that I would meet lots of people throughout my life that I would connect with the way he and I did. It has never happened again...I can't change the past choices I made, and I could handle the idea of friendship only - that is far more important to me than a physical relationship.

 

His wife is friends with two single former colleagues, both of them male. My friend does not have an issue with this. He has always tried to be sensitive towards her, as she is quite 'tortured' by insecurities about other women. I ran into his brother about 4yrs ago who spoke a little bit about this issue....partly with reference to me, as both of my friends brothers also missed me.

 

I absolutely understand your comment that he would resent the restrictions now that he has me....I don't think he has had a really concrete reason previously, although he has always struggled with baseless accusations from her re other women.

 

I accept that he has flaws...the same ones that he has always had. Because of our past friendship, I am in a position of knowing a lot about him as a person....not all of it is admirable, but most of it is. His flaws never mattered to me before, and they still don't matter now.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He has never before given her any reason to mistrust him.

 

Clearly he has given her a reason not to trust him. He might not have ADMITTED to a reason for her not to trust him. He is having personal and intimate conversations with another woman and has on one occasion slept with her. That sounds like reason enough in my book. His wifes feelings about you being a threat to her marriage or right on track, and why in the world would a woman want her husband to be in contact with someon who is a threat to her marriage. Ofcourse he doesn't like her rules, he doesn't want to be married, in the true since of the word.

 

You can bet if her H felt that her two male collegues where romantic interests then he would not be ok with it.

[april sunshine]

He has never before given her any reason to mistrust him.

 

Clearly he has given her a reason not to trust him. He might not have ADMITTED to a reason for her not to trust him. He is having personal and intimate conversations with another woman and has on one occasion slept with her. That sounds like reason enough in my book. His wifes feelings about you being a threat to her marriage or right on track, and why in the world would a woman want her husband to be in contact with someon who is a threat to her marriage. Ofcourse he doesn't like her rules, he doesn't want to be married, in the true since of the word.

 

You can bet if her H felt that her two male collegues where romantic interests then he would not be ok with it.

 

 

 

I agree with you that he has now given her every reason in the world to distrust him....and you are also probably most correct by pointing out that I have been viewed by the W as a threat.

 

I think that I have (along with him) crossed the line over which either of us might have a right to be annoyed about the 'ban' that had been placed on our friendship, as we have basically just gone and proven her right....she obviously sensed many years ago that there was a 'risk' that feelings ran deeper than they appeared. I didn't plan to do this...to myself, to him, or to his W. I just assumed that we could pick up from where we left off with our friendship. I never expected him to 'open he door' re his feelings for me....I am surprised that his feelings for me still existed to be honest. Especially because he is married, I thought it would be 'safe' so to speak. Clearly I have been wrong about several things in this situation.

[Ruby Tuesday]

wow april, this is remarkable. I love the way you think. You are one class act. I was thinking about the work friends of the BW, and sometimes it is a necessary evil to keep your work assoiciates personally close. You have also said that she mainly wants them to be friends with other married couples and I also think this is a shwred move on the BW's part.

[april sunshine]

Thanks for your comments Ruby....At the moment I am really not doing much in term's of encouraging progress with my situation. Contact has very much been confined to an occasional lunch break, and I have not initiated any conversation about 'us'.

 

I have some concern that he is passively being a bit wreckless about the situation....I am referring to things like going to the gym (this is out of character for him and W has understandably questioned him re motives for his sudden interest in appearance), additionally, he will call me from his cell phone once or twice a week, knowing that she checks his calls. I have told him that he is inviting disaster if W is suspicious.....I have been in the same situation during my own marriage and made sure that I followed up on anything out of the ordinary....and in spite of my husbands protestations and denials, became certain that my suspicion was well founded....this led to me divorcing him without a second thought. My point is that I didn't need him to admit his infidelity....I did not believe his denials and I left him regardless as there was no way he was going to 'have his cake and eat it too'.

 

I think that MM is somehow deluding himself that our contact is 'above board' (at this stage) - we meet at a cafe in front of his work.....his colleauges will 'saunter' by and he will introduce me as 'my very good friend April'. It is like he has nothing to hide, and should his W find out (probably just a matter of time) he will be able to say "I havn't been underhanded here, I met her in front of my work-place for godsake, and the only reason I havn't told you is because you hate her with no good reason".

 

So now I am thinking that there is a chance I might get a phone call from the W. What would I say? I am not usually a dishonest person....but I would hate to be the one who delivers such painful news. If she wanted to yell and scream at me I would be inclined to hear her out without trying to make excuses for my behaviour, however if she were to ask me direct questions with regard to her suspicions I would probably suggest that she speak with her H, asking direct questions that provide no chance for 'subjectivity' or evasion. I would also let her know that I would be happy to speak with her again after he has been given the opportunity to answer her questions first.

 

Not knowing what is going to happen is difficult.....I can't change the fact that there was an occasion of intimacy....and I honestly feel regretful that I chose not to do the right thing by saying no in that instance. I allowed myself to believe his opinion of 'I have already betrayed her by meeting with you at all....the emotional betrayal is already worse than any physical betrayal could be...I have always loved you more...I never got over you...even if we were never intimate I have still done the wrong thing...

 

If there had not been any intimacy I would still have some integrity....and he would be in a position to be totally honest with her before the fact, instead of now being in the position of potentially destroying her world.