Frances Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I don't see how the marriage can be healthy then. She deserves better. It is not healthy, otherwise he would not have cheated. She does deserve better she deserves not to be cheated on. The fact is, she was cheated on. Now its a matter of what is the best solution in this case. Sometime marriages go through a bad patch, it does not mean that its the end of it. He was a fool to cheat and risk what he did. You believe he should tell her and I think he should not. The affair is over, he can not undo what he did. Its a matter of making the best that can be made of the dreadfull mess he made.
IpAncA Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 You believe he should tell her and I think he should not. The affair is over, he can not undo what he did. Its a matter of making the best that can be made of the dreadfull mess he made. So much for taking responsibility for one's actions. I just find it amazing how people can suggest not to say anything if it only happend once or twice, but if it happends over a longer period of time, people change their minds. That may not be with you but I've noticed that on here with others.
MrsHellFire Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 It does matter if you have been through the pain because you would know what its like. I had back pain which was dreadful, I eventually had surgery for it, I would rather go through that again than go through the pain of finding out about my h EA, at least the other came to an end. I do not think the pain I have now will ever truly end. So you'd rather not know?? Or better yet: Spend weeks or months obsessing, spying and plotting to prove what you speculate to be true? Either way is pretty crappy. When a person is having an affair, they are not giving their entire self to you any longer.. it changes the dynamics of the relationship. They are not as close or as loving.. they get their needs met elsewhere. You may want to look the other way, but most people can't or will not do that. I honestly don't know what is worse.. the PAIN or living a lie! Each are just as tragic.. especially when you find out too late and realize you spent half your life with a stranger!
Frances Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 So you'd rather not know?? Or better yet: Spend weeks or months obsessing, spying and plotting to prove what you speculate to be true? Either way is pretty crappy. When a person is having an affair, they are not giving their entire self to you any longer.. it changes the dynamics of the relationship. They are not as close or as loving.. they get their needs met elsewhere. You may want to look the other way, but most people can't or will not do that. I honestly don't know what is worse.. the PAIN or living a lie! Each are just as tragic.. especially when you find out too late and realize you spent half your life with a stranger! I agree with all you say. Either way is crappy. But it is a matter of which is worse. In my case I did not know I was living a lie. Because the EA was conducted mostly by email a few phone calls and 5 meetings over an 11 year period. I would never have discovered it only for his stupidity of keeping the emails. The EA had finished 16 months before I found out. During the time of the affair I did suspect one, but there was no evidence of one and I put our problems down to stress at work, too many kids and not enough time for each other. The odd thing about his EA was that it finished when the stress at work got easier, most of the kids left home, finances changed for the better and we had more time for each other. Of course I did not know anything about the EA. If Sex was involved maybe I would feel different, I do not know, as I do not have to think of him and her in that way. The pain of what he did gets to me most days even though I try not to let it. There was no point of me finding out, it did not fix anything, it has just left me with more pain than I had already gone through. So yes I would prefer if I had not found out, he is happier because he is no longer living a lie but I have had to suck up my pride and I hate it. I am doing this mainly for family reasons. It is 10.5 months since I found out. peterpan30 affair was a short one and is not likely to repeat it, in his case he should have the pain of the guilt and leave his wife with her peace of mind.
reef man Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I made a bad mistake and got involved with an old friend and we ended up in bed a couple of times. I really regret it ever happened and I broke it off. My W has no idea. Should I tell her? Lots of advice columns and books say you should but I don't see what good it would do. I won't ever cheat again, I know that for sure. What do you think? I think if there are no consequences to your actions you will end up doing it again if the perfect opportunity arose. People that have cheated will tell you to not tell. that you are the one that has to live with it. Live with what? Guilt? don't think so. by not telling you are gettin off easy. If there is children involved, then maybe I might advise not to tell because I hate it when children get hurt. But your wife has a right to know. The bigger reason I have already stated. By not telling you are getting off easy and if there are no consequences, you will do it again. You say you won't, but if you are a cheater, then you will if the right situation arose where you think your wife would never find out.
IpAncA Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 But your wife has a right to know. The bigger reason I have already stated. By not telling you are getting off easy and if there are no consequences, you will do it again. You say you won't, but if you are a cheater, then you will if the right situation arose where you think your wife would never find out. I agree. She has the right to know she's not in a exclusive relationship anymore.
SadForever Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I think most cheaters confess because they can't live with the guilt. They think they can rid themselves of the guilt by telling their partner about the infedility. If there is any chance you could infect your wife, you should eliminate any doubts and confess if there is an issue. If there is a chance she could learn of the affair another way besides you telling her, you should seriously consider being the one to tell her first. If you know you don't want to be with your wife anymore, then get out of the relationship. Still no need to tell her about the affair. Otherwise, put it behind you and move on. Hopefully you learned lessons from the experience.
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Still no need to tell her about the affair. Otherwise, put it behind you and move on. Hopefully you learned lessons from the experience. He won't have learned from his "experience" because there aren't any consequences to his actions. So when the perfect opportunity arises again, he will cheat again if he thinks his wife will never find out.
SadForever Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 He won't have learned from his "experience" because there aren't any consequences to his actions. So when the perfect opportunity arises again, he will cheat again if he thinks his wife will never find out. But there may still be consequences, particualry in the form of guilt.
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 But there may still be consequences, particualry in the form of guilt. Poor them. The guilt won't last long I'm sure.
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Poor them. The guilt won't last long I'm sure. I agree 100%. Cheating is an addiction to the adrenaline high. Guilt rarely stops anyone if there's an instant gratification available. NO CHEATER EVER BELIEVES THEY WILL BE CAUGHT.
Batman7 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Well, I believe at some point your spouse will suspect. Are you going to lie to your spouse when they question you? Basically your already lying, you broke your vows, and I doubt your really sorry. Your probably just worried your going to get caught. Just my opinion.
bullhunter Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 sometimes I wish I hadn't, as my wife has been through so very much pain because of knowing. But in my heart I believe that it was the best thing. Our marriage is based on honesty, and that is important. Also, if I hadn't told, some other woman would know more about me than my wife. That just seems wrong. 1
Frances Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 sometimes I wish I hadn't, as my wife has been through so very much pain because of knowing. But in my heart I believe that it was the best thing. Our marriage is based on honesty, and that is important. Also, if I hadn't told, some other woman would know more about me than my wife. That just seems wrong. She would not know more about you than your wife, just somethings your wife would not know.
Owl Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Tell her. For several reasons. One...she DOES deserve to know the truth of the status of her marriage. Its her marriage as much as it is yours...and the fact that you decided to cheat on her this way distorts the marriage, but right now, she probably doesn't even know why. I'd bet she knows that SOMETHING is wrong, but hasn't figured out what yet. Two...this whole "pain" thing everyone's talking about? You have no idea...I do. And I will tell you point blank that while its the worst pain imaginable in a marriage, it was caused WHEN YOU CHEATED...its a predetermined byproduct of your infidelity. And the odds are that she WILL find out about this at some point...and it won't matter how long its been since the affair was over, she'll be DEVESTATED. But you can control the situation slightly...if you confess NOW, rather than being caught later, it shows true remorse and an effort to fix things. It gives you marriage a better chance of recovering when it IS out in the open. Three...I agree that there are issues in your marriage that led to the cheating. She's got a right to know that those issues exist, and are to a point where you actually cheated. There's no way that your marriage will get better based on a lie. But, if you step up and decide to build your marriage on openess and honesty instead of this lie, things CAN get better. Finally, its HER RIGHT to chose if she wants to remain married to you, given that you've cheated on her. Not telling her takes that choice away from her. Its not fair to her. Most people decide to try to work things out when their partner cheats...but it should be THEIR choice, not the one who steps out. Last, totally off topic...hey, KMT...this wouldn't be "Kissmytiara" would it?
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Three...I agree that there are issues in your marriage that led to the cheating. She's got a right to know that those issues exist, and are to a point where you actually cheated. There's no way that your marriage will get better based on a lie. But, if you step up and decide to build your marriage on openess and honesty instead of this lie, things CAN get better. And if you can't find any reason why you cheated, meaning - That she was meeting your needs in the marriage and you felt happy IN the marriage, then get yourself to therapy and find out why you felt the need to go outside the marriage. Maybe it's your own personal issue that needs to be dealt with.
Trialbyfire Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 And if you can't find any reason why you cheated, meaning - That she was meeting your needs in the marriage and you felt happy IN the marriage, then get yourself to therapy and find out why you felt the need to go outside the marriage. Maybe it's your own personal issue that needs to be dealt with. There's always personal issues that need to be dealt with, with a cheater. Living a life of lies, compounding lies, while stringing two people along, is not healthy behaviour...
Lynna Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 You know you did the wrong thing. You know you CANNOT do this again if you love her. You also know that you need help in dealing with this situation. Go seek counseling. Identify and deal with the issues that led you to do this in the first place. If you truly love her then love her and fix what is wrong. If you tell her you will shatter her life! I know, it shattered my life when I found out what my husband had done. If you really love her you would rather do anything than hurt her. You know you already have hurt and betrayed her, even if she does not know. So FIX yourself for her sake if you really love her. Treat her as the special treasure she was when she married you.
quiet1one1 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Maybe I missed it along the way.... Has your W ever asked you directly if you've been unfaithful?
jj2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 If you love her then IMO YES! Healthy relationships are based on trust and honesty. Yes she will be upset but if you don't tell her and she somehow finds out anyway, then if It were the relationship that I was in, I would feel like I was being lied to. Just because you don't volunteer the truth hiding something from someone is just as bad a lying to them. Just my 2 cents.
jj2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 And put the pain on her. Have you ever gone through that pain? I have and I would have rather known about it before I did instead of walking around oblivious and feeling like an idiot.
RecordProducer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Why did you cheat? If you see it as your wife's fault in some way then you might want to tell her. But if it's completely your fault then check yourself for STD's and don't ever do it again. Both to tell or not to tell have advantages and disadvantages. Apparently the major drawbacks of telling include your wife being hurt, ruining the marriage, and a possibility to split. The advantage of telling could be if you needed something from your wife that she failed to privide for a long time.
Flyin in Clouds Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 ... Hopefully you learned lessons from the experience. What he will have learned is that he can get away with it, and maybe living with the guilt isn't so bad compared to the pleasure of the OW.
Flyin in Clouds Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 I don't see how the marriage can be healthy then. She deserves better. ... The affair is over, he can not undo what he did. Its a matter of making the best that can be made of the dreadfull mess he made. This tends to be a typical female attitude toward an affair... particularly their own when they want forgiveness. It's over, nothing can be undone, let's just move on... go foward.. the future... See for a woman, when her affair is over it is no longer of any consequence. It's done, history, past... just forget about it... That being the female attitude toward their own affairs they naturally think a guy, being just like them, should react the same way and just get over it. Well it's not that easy for a guy... This marriage is a shame. It's based on lies and secrets. Hopefully the OP's wife has had an affair that she has kept secret from you, because that is exactly what the OP deserves.
Lynna Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 This tends to be a typical female attitude toward an affair... particularly their own when they want forgiveness. It's over, nothing can be undone, let's just move on... go foward.. the future. Respectfully, I would have to disagree with this. In my opinion it seems that MEN are the ones who have the attitude of when it is over, it is done, so lets forget and move on. My H has that attitude, and from what I have read of a lot of the other posts here, so do other WHs. In fact, in general experience, it seems to me that women hold grudes a lot longer than men do. Women are more emotional and less physical so they hold on to the emotional baggage more than men do. Granted I don't have any statistical data to hold up, just personal observations. Anyone that has been in an A on either side can benefit from some self reflection and some counseling from a disinterested third party to help get some persepective on the situation. Whatever you do, your life has changed, and so has your wife's, even if she does not know it yet!
Recommended Posts