peterpan30 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I made a bad mistake and got involved with an old friend and we ended up in bed a couple of times. I really regret it ever happened and I broke it off. My W has no idea. Should I tell her? Lots of advice columns and books say you should but I don't see what good it would do. I won't ever cheat again, I know that for sure. What do you think?
Green Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 hmm I think you will cheat again given the chance, I say do what ever you feel like doing it seems to have worked for you this far.
Lizzie60 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I made a bad mistake and got involved with an old friend and we ended up in bed a couple of times. I really regret it ever happened and I broke it off. My W has no idea. Should I tell her? Lots of advice columns and books say you should but I don't see what good it would do. I won't ever cheat again, I know that for sure. What do you think? Don't because if you do...you will be miserable for the rest of your life with her. It's done, you regret it.. you won't do it again (ha-hem)..then keep your little secret and forget about it.
Green Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 yeah besides your wife didnt tell you about the guys she's been with.
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 It's a good question. Other people are right in saying it will cause a lot of problems. One good way to live life, I'm told, is to treat others the way you want to be treated. If your wife had cheated on you with an old friend, would you want to know? Even if things would be easier on you?
Curmudgeon Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Actually, NO! It's too late. What you should, do if you have any semblance of integrity, is tell them you're going to cheat beforehand and are leaving them for that purpose and reason. Then you'd at least be honest!
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I made a bad mistake and got involved with an old friend and we ended up in bed a couple of times. I really regret it ever happened and I broke it off. My W has no idea. Should I tell her? Lots of advice columns and books say you should but I don't see what good it would do. I won't ever cheat again, I know that for sure. What do you think? The decision is yours, but ask yourself this. What are the chances of her finding out? Did someone see you with your old friend? Will your old friend spill the beans to your wife? Did your old friend TELL someone else, who inturn, could tell your wife in the future? Do you have emails or cell phone messages with your old friend? And, most of all - DID you use a condom while you had sex with your old friend? If not, you OWE your wife the truth. God forbid you gave her herpes, or some other STD. Never say never...... I mean, this is an old friend, right? WHO knows how many others she's slept with.... Do a site search on the username inapanic. Her thread might help you when it comes to confessing.
Green Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 reminds me of a dane cook joke. He sees this old happy maried couple on there like 50th aniversary who ask him to take there picture, and there so cute togather and blah blah blah, so he asks the guy how do you do it and the guy smiles and whispers I CHEAT
Mr. Lucky Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I don't know that it's as black and white as some would say. Finding out that my wife had cheated ended my life as I knew it to that point. Had someone offered me a chance to "unknow" and go back to my ignorant happiness, there were many days that I would have gladly taken them up on the bargain. Don't automatically assume that you are doing your wife a favor by telling her - especially if you really are "one and done". A cautionary add - my wife didn't tell me, I found out otherwise. As WWIU said, there are many ways for that tangled web to catch up to you... Mr. Lucky
norajane Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Why did you do it in the first place? It wasn't just one drunken night - you said it was a couple of times, which is more than once, and could be more than twice. Surely, something led you to stray? There's something within you that didn't have the respect for your marriage and your wife that would have kept you faithful. Whatever that issue is, you need to deal with that regardless of whether you tell your wife or not. If there's any chance of her finding out from someone else, though, you need to tell her yourself.
JamesM Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Each case is different, but in many situations, it is better NOT to tell. However, that does not mean that, as has been said, someone else may tell. Since you mention an old friend...she may be the one who will tell. Her guilt may "make" her tell a friend who tells a friend who tells a friend who tells...well, you get the picture.
Frances Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I made a bad mistake and got involved with an old friend and we ended up in bed a couple of times. I really regret it ever happened and I broke it off. My W has no idea. Should I tell her? Lots of advice columns and books say you should but I don't see what good it would do. I won't ever cheat again, I know that for sure. What do you think? Confession is good for the soul but who's soul? If the only way your wife would find out is by you telling her then why put her through the pain. How many is a couple? Do not see this friend again, check if there is any chance of a std, delete any emails, make sure there is nothing on your cell phone or anywhere else and put it behind you and just accept the guilt, do not put it on to your wife.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I guess it depends on the aftermath. Was the sex on the side just a blip, more or less? Something that happened, with no effects on the relationship and no effects from lasting guilt? Is there any chance of STDs? Got any old emails/texts/letters hiding around? If you are able to go about your relationship as normal, with no fallout from the aftermath and absolutely no chance of a vengeful OW deciding that your W "needs to know the truth" then I'm not sure what you'd gain by telling your W. If your guilt is getting to you and affecting the relationship, or if you think you may have passed on an STD, or you have an OW who is going to expose you then you may want to consider the benefits of telling your W. It would be far, far worse for her to find evidence, hear it from someone else like an OW or a gyno telling her she has the clap or something like that.
messit Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I made a bad mistake and got involved with an old friend and we ended up in bed a couple of times. I really regret it ever happened and I broke it off. My W has no idea. Should I tell her? Lots of advice columns and books say you should but I don't see what good it would do. I won't ever cheat again, I know that for sure. What do you think? What useful purpose would it serve to tell her?
IpAncA Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Unfreaking believable. Of course you should tell her and if you found ways to tell her then do so. Yeah you made a mistake and it's time to fess up and accept the consequences. It's wrong to keep this from her and you know it.
Frances Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Unfreaking believable. Of course you should tell her and if you found ways to tell her then do so. Yeah you made a mistake and it's time to fess up and accept the consequences. It's wrong to keep this from her and you know it. And put the pain on her. Have you ever gone through that pain?
Jinxx Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 No, don't tell. You did you what you did and you're the one who has to live with it. I did the same thing only it is bit more complicated. I am legally separated at the moment but working towards a reconcilliation. I will take it to the grave with me. There is no valid reason to tell my husband what happened.
cranium Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Had I not caught my wife she would have never told. She lied repeatedly when asked before D-Day. I know she would have preferred ending her A without me finding out, but they were careless. I didn't immediately tell her that I had been unfaithful many years earlier. I justified not telling b/c why put her through the pain I was experiencing, my A had ended quietly and I no longer had any contact with xOW. One day she asked if I had ever cheated and I told her the truth. Our MC said it was unusual for me to come clean when I did. He thought I would have either fessed up when I caught her or never said anything. I was lying by omission and was prepared to keep it to myself, but then she posed the question directly to me. Why did you do it in the first place?....Surely, something led you to stray? There's something within you that didn't have the respect for your marriage and your wife that would have kept you faithful. Whatever that issue is, you need to deal with that regardless of whether you tell your wife or not. I had selfish reasons for telling also and maybe was relieved she finally asked. Not to alleviate guilt so much as my needs were still being ignored during our reconciling. Everything seemed to be focused on where I had mistreated her or ignored her needs or neglected her that led her to cheat. How I needed to change because I was the cause of her cheating. She didn't seem to get that she had contributed as much to the condition of our relationship as I had. I thought her knowing about my infidelity would at last wake her up to what I was missing, if that makes any sense. Both of us chose to do what we did and I am not blaming her for the choices I made. I'm glad she knows now as we've cleaned up and completed the past so we can move forward. If you don't tell her, you'll always have this between you and your communication will never be authentic.
IpAncA Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 And put the pain on her. Have you ever gone through that pain? It doesn't matter if I've been through the pain or not, he should have thought about it before he went and done what he did. The damage is already done. She has the right to know. Oh but I forgot, it's okay because he's sure it will never happen again. Oh excuse me.
Frances Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 It doesn't matter if I've been through the pain or not, he should have thought about it before he went and done what he did. The damage is already done. She has the right to know. She has the right to know but does she need to go through pain Oh but I forgot, it's okay because he's sure it will never happen again. Oh excuse me. It does matter if you have been through the pain because you would know what its like. I had back pain which was dreadful, I eventually had surgery for it, I would rather go through that again than go through the pain of finding out about my h EA, at least the other came to an end. I do not think the pain I have now will ever truly end.
IpAncA Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 It does matter if you have been through the pain because you would know what its like. I had back pain which was dreadful, I eventually had surgery for it, I would rather go through that again than go through the pain of finding out about my h EA, at least the other came to an end. I do not think the pain I have now will ever truly end. Yeah and I would rather have my car smashed then to find out he cheated. But I would rather have him tell me then lie. There are a lot of things that people would rather have but not knowing the truth can do more damage because it involves lying. BTW how can I know what it's like if my H came on here, said what happend and many of you tell him to keep it a secret? IMO people can't say, "what they don't know won't hurt them." Talk about being in love with themselves.
Frances Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 IMO people can't say, "what they don't know won't hurt them." Talk about being in love with themselves. I am not saying "what they don't know won't hurt them" of course it hurts them you are taking away from the marriage and putting energy elsewhere which should rightly put into the home life. Of course it hurts them as nearly every BS will feel that there is something wrong but just can not figure what it is and maybe they would be better not finding out exactly what was wrong.
IpAncA Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Of course it hurts them as nearly every BS will feel that there is something wrong but just can not figure what it is and maybe they would be better not finding out exactly what was wrong. Okay so lets just play this out. Say he doesn't say anything and she finds out years later What then? He's going to have a lot of explaining to do as to why he lied plus why he cheated. I am not saying "what they don't know won't hurt them" of course it hurts them you are taking away from the marriage and putting energy elsewhere which should rightly put into the home life. But you just said telling her would hurt her. If she doesn't know, then she can't get hurt right?
Frances Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Okay so lets just play this out. Say he doesn't say anything and she finds out years later What then? He's going to have a lot of explaining to do as to why he lied plus why he cheated. This is a chance he would have to take, and if he never does it again she may never find out. He would be the one who has to live with the guilt, which is what he deserves. Why should she have to live with that amount of hurt. But you just said telling her would hurt her. If she doesn't know, then she can't get hurt right? The fact that he had an affair has hurt the marriage, she is bound to have felt something was not quite right with them. What I am saying is that she will hurt much more by finding out about what he actually did. Its about the level of hurt.
IpAncA Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 The fact that he had an affair has hurt the marriage, she is bound to have felt something was not quite right with them. What I am saying is that she will hurt much more by finding out about what he actually did. Its about the level of hurt. So were just thinking what's best for her hurt level? What about the right to know what's going on in the marriage? This is a chance he would have to take, and if he never does it again she may never find out. He would be the one who has to live with the guilt, which is what he deserves. Why should she have to live with that amount of hurt. I don't see how the marriage can be healthy then. She deserves better.
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