sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Hi all, I am posting here in an effort to understand what my boyfriend--suddenly ex-boyfriend as of last night--may be about to go through. I apologize in advance for posting all over these boards - I started in the dating forum on Monday when I thought we just had a bit of an issue to work through... it quickly became a breakup thread when he suddenly broke up with me last night... and I posted on the Separation and Divorce board to try to understand from his perspective what might be going on. I now think this forum may be the best place for my question, so I'll delete the other post if I need to. The gist is this: he was in a long marriage to a woman who cheated on him. They had a child together, a daughter who's now 5. They separated a year and a half ago; when we started dating he was totally resolved on his marriage being over -- she started her affair after the kid was born and continued it for the next five years (catch the timing there? means she is still with him). She was about to move 500 miles away to be with that guy, but some stuff happened and she started second-guessing the end of their marriage; so did my boyfriend, and poof! I was out of the picture. And she apparently dumped her guy (or perhaps, actually, he just dumped her and hence her second guessing!). They are now going to try to reconcile, and all I want to understand is what he is likely to go through during this process and what the chances of succeeding are. What are the variables? What emotions is he likely to experience? What is the process of rebuilding trust in someone who betrayed you so thoroughly? How often do these reconciliation attempts result in truly repaired, improved, happy marriages? I know my job is to move on. And, my breakup is 24 hours old right now and i am in analysis mode while I try to make sense of what's just happened to me. Thank you in advance for any insights you can offer.
JayLK Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Hi all, I am posting here in an effort to understand what my boyfriend--suddenly ex-boyfriend as of last night--may be about to go through. I apologize in advance for posting all over these boards - I started in the dating forum on Monday when I thought we just had a bit of an issue to work through... it quickly became a breakup thread when he suddenly broke up with me last night... and I posted on the Separation and Divorce board to try to understand from his perspective what might be going on. I now think this forum may be the best place for my question, so I'll delete the other post if I need to. The gist is this: he was in a long marriage to a woman who cheated on him. They had a child together, a daughter who's now 5. They separated a year and a half ago; when we started dating he was totally resolved on his marriage being over -- she started her affair after the kid was born and continued it for the next five years (catch the timing there? means she is still with him). She was about to move 500 miles away to be with that guy, but some stuff happened and she started second-guessing the end of their marriage; so did my boyfriend, and poof! I was out of the picture. And she apparently dumped her guy (or perhaps, actually, he just dumped her and hence her second guessing!). They are now going to try to reconcile, and all I want to understand is what he is likely to go through during this process and what the chances of succeeding are. What are the variables? What emotions is he likely to experience? What is the process of rebuilding trust in someone who betrayed you so thoroughly? How often do these reconciliation attempts result in truly repaired, improved, happy marriages? I know my job is to move on. And, my breakup is 24 hours old right now and i am in analysis mode while I try to make sense of what's just happened to me. Thank you in advance for any insights you can offer. You may not want to hear this, but it sounds like your ex-boyfriend wasn't really over his wife / marriage. Let's face it: if his feelings were resolved then he'd still be with you, plain and simple. His wife is a different story... I'm in the throws of a 'messy' marriage because my wife cheated on me in the past, and today she still exhibits signs of being unfaithful. It could just be me, but after posting my thread I realized (by the responses I received) that I am not too far off the mark when it comes to her.... and your ex's wife is in the same boat. She cheated on her hubby and was willing to leave him. This shows that she really can't be trusted and would do it again if the chance arose. What does this mean for your ex? I've been in a similar situation so I can attest: He'll feel confused, angry, lost -- he'll start to question everything and wonder if getting back together will be the best thing for him. Don’t be surprised to see him on your doorstep sometime in the near future, but take it from me -- don't get involved, and don't get too emotionally attached when this happens. He'll be going through a 'compassion' phase where he may seek the consoling of others (especially you) to help him sort things out, because let's face it -- I doubt things will be easy after he gets back together with his wife (if they even stay together). To sum up, he may end up in a ping-pong pattern, and you want to break that as soon as it happens. I had to do this with my wife (who was then my fiancee') and she came around, but that is another story that I won't bother you with. lol
reservoirdog1 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I can understand where he was coming from. (However, I'm sorry that you got hurt in the process.) After learning that my XW was a serial cheat, we split. I dated quite a bit over the next couple of years. And in that time, I had several dramatic ups and downs. It's now very clear to me that I hadn't put that behind me. Even though after about a year I'd completed discarded any at all serious notions about trying again with her, I was still incredibly hurt and angry, and thus probably not healed enough to be good in a relationship. Now, more than three years out, I think I'm healed. I managed to let go of my anger over a year ago and it hasn't resurfaced. As a result, I've been in a great relationship for about a year now and am way happier with her than I ever was with XW. So, how likely is it that they'll successfully reconcile? I don't know. I'd guess somewhat less than 50%. Even if they decide to try again, what she did to him will keep cropping up in his mind and, eventually, in their discussions. And then there's the possibility that, even after having seen the devastation she inflicted on him, she still won't keep her legs together around other men. I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice by waiting for him. He's got some serious emotional issues to overcome, and that can only happen at his pace.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 He'll feel confused, angry, lost -- he'll start to question everything and wonder if getting back together will be the best thing for him. Don’t be surprised to see him on your doorstep sometime in the near future, but take it from me -- don't get involved, and don't get too emotionally attached when this happens. He'll be going through a 'compassion' phase where he may seek the consoling of others (especially you) to help him sort things out, because let's face it -- I doubt things will be easy after he gets back together with his wife (if they even stay together). To sum up, he may end up in a ping-pong pattern, and you want to break that as soon as it happens. I had to do this with my wife (who was then my fiancee') and she came around, but that is another story that I won't bother you with. lol Thanks JayLK. I will certainly be wary if he shows up at my door, but I honestly don't think he will. I think he has enough integrity to know that it would only hurt me more, and probably hurt his reconciliation attempts more. I suppose I could always be proved wrong on this, but I do think he will stay away, especially after I said we probably needed to not be in contact while he is working on things.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 I can understand where he was coming from. (However, I'm sorry that you got hurt in the process.) After learning that my XW was a serial cheat, we split. I dated quite a bit over the next couple of years. And in that time, I had several dramatic ups and downs. It's now very clear to me that I hadn't put that behind me. Even though after about a year I'd completed discarded any at all serious notions about trying again with her, I was still incredibly hurt and angry, and thus probably not healed enough to be good in a relationship. Now, more than three years out, I think I'm healed. I managed to let go of my anger over a year ago and it hasn't resurfaced. As a result, I've been in a great relationship for about a year now and am way happier with her than I ever was with XW. So, how likely is it that they'll successfully reconcile? I don't know. I'd guess somewhat less than 50%. Even if they decide to try again, what she did to him will keep cropping up in his mind and, eventually, in their discussions. And then there's the possibility that, even after having seen the devastation she inflicted on him, she still won't keep her legs together around other men. I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice by waiting for him. He's got some serious emotional issues to overcome, and that can only happen at his pace. Thank you for sharing your experience, Reservoirdog. I know the wise course of action is to move on. Getting myself emotionally on board with the wise course of action may take a little time, however. Can i ask a couple of questions? During the first couple of years when you were dating around, were any of those 'serious' relationships, or were any of the women ones you could see yourself with longer term, but for your lack of healing? And then, once you finally healed, did you ever think of going back to any of the women you dated earlier on? My BF's dating history is thus: had high school girlfriend for 4 years. Then had college girlfriend who he married upon graduation (the cheating wife in question). A year into separation, met me, and expressed early on that he tends to know pretty early when he wants to be with someone long term (in kind of a serial monogamist way)...so I am pretty sure he saw me as long-term material, even if he didn't consciously understand that he wasn't yet over his marriage/wife/kid. The part of me that is not-yet-willing-to-follow-the-wise-course-of-action wonders if, a few years down the line if it takes that long for him to heal, he might think of me and come knocking then...or if he will just decide to start over with someone completely new. Our relationship itself was really good, healthy, positive, we were good friends, companions, and lovers. He connects nothing negative to me or our relationship. Oh, and what did you do to help yourself heal over those 3 years? Did you see a counselor? Confide in friends/clergy? Deal with it on your own? I'm a little afraid he's going to try to slog it alone, which is going to be such a hard road for him no matter how it turns out with his wife.
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