my troubles and feelings when being with people

[christin123]

Dear friends,

 

I just get confused when I am living and being with people around me such as my tutor and friends.

 

My tutor is a fourth year student. I always learn from my intuition that they are not happy with me and I think they may do something bad to me, for example, I guess my tutor in summer school will be envy at me and will do something bad to me such as he will deliberately mark my journal badly and make me a worse grade and I feel that he is not good to me and probably hates me for some reasons I don't really know(which I can only guess) although he always try to smile when I asking him some questions.

 

I get this feeling from that no matter how hard I tried and worked on my journal but he always marked it as not good. He always wrote I copied from the textbooks and in fact those are my thought and conclusions which are drawn by myself when learning from the textbook. He also mentioned that I did a lot of work, but not relating to the group project questions. However I did do my group project questions in my journal in nearly 3 pages although it is short compared to what I have done in my journal.

 

But this journal is supposed to be individual journal not completely group project.The course outline said that the journal should write down the learnig process and I did that. But he said I didn't do that without giving any reason even though I tried hard to ask him and he just refused to answer me. This makes me suspictious. And I asked some question that someone in the tutorial class raised which I didn't catch, he just said it is out of the subject and that even he doesn't know quite well about it.

 

But I continued to ask him and he finally answered me what the question is reluctantly. Because English is not my first language, when I am not concentrated, I will miss what they are saying easily.

 

I try to find any reason that he hates me, maybe it is because I show I am different when be with people, or I show, in some way I don't know about, I have different or higher abilities or I am too proud of myself and people such as the tutor felt so and doesn't like it, or maybe I show I am better in learning and doing things when I be with people, but I don't know how this is happening precisely and how I can avoid that. ( I always finding somthing I am proud of to make my life easier and carry on and this is my reason living in this world and I am proud of myself is not meaning that other people cannot be proud of themself or I tried to prevent them from being proud of themself.) Although I know I should not be proud of myself in front of anyone.

 

I tried hard and maybe I failed to do through someway since finding something be proud of and worthy is my belief in this life. Why should I annoy people by what I believed. I notice that the tutor look at my textbook when I am doing my work and at the first tutorial and he said that I should discuss with my groupmate and help them and I should not discuss with him.But I did do this by proving tips guiding them on how the work should be done because they just know nothing when not reading the textbook. Maybe the tutor think I am selfish and try not to give me a better grade.

 

So I think people may become hating me or at least not liking me, or trying to do something to me. no matter I did try to be good and possibly because they didn't know about it. Some people told me that I should always be smiling and trusting them when being with people. I get confused and actually I am very sad now.

 

The person told me I should trust poeple also said that but she wouldn't trust me. So I think maybe I was hurt by my parents or other people too much since I was small and I am not trusting anyone anymore, I never lived with my parents, I didn't have enough care and teaching from them and too little people give me protection since I was young and that may be the cause that I might have some problem in my character ,which I don't know about before, I guess they are the way I am being with people, the way I talk to people and the way I express my feelings. Or maybe it is just that I am afraid of trusting people. And they don't like this.

 

I have to get a higher grade in the summer school paper and actually I am doing two papers now and I have to get at least A- to continue my study. this is because I have no money and the sponsor's requirement is that at least A- on average. This means that I have to get at least A- at every subject to make sure I have the chance of getting help from the sponsor. However, when I am getting through my studying and being with people now, I find that most people are not be good to me at least from my intuition. ( I read something from the web that when the world turns his back to you, maybe it is just because you are turning your back to people) I may be turning my back to people for some reasons that I don't know about.

 

I feel the envy and everything bad from people around me. Maybe I make them lose balance through my talking, my facial expressions, my suspecting about their sincerity, my fear... and my behaviours. I am regreted that I asked the tutor whether there was any chance to gain full mark on the journal, this maybe let him think I am too proud of myself. I always find that I can't hide anything, which should not be knowed by people and I can't let them only be in my mind. And sometimes I find myself seeing people too good at the first place, so I was hurt and become more fear of people and I find I am lack of social skills and maybe this annoyed people. Do you think so?

 

From intuition I find he doesn't like me and no matter how hard I tried , he just won't give any better marks to me. ( The journal 's major purpose is showing what learn about)And maybe he think I did too little work for my group project and maybe also helping the groupmates too little, but I think I did do my group work and the problem is that my groupmates hadn't read anything to prepare for the tutorial I mean all of them.

 

Although they may be good at practical problems such as group project, but they can't do any better without any therory from textbooks guiding them through.

 

And other problem is that I find myself impossible to control over them or ask them to do the readings. But the tutor wrote the comment on my journal that if I have any problem my groupmates will be there for me. I think this comment is strange.The problem is that he think I am looking down on my groupmates and he wants to tell me that they are better than me anyway, but actually I just want to tell him that my groupmates' problem and wanting his help that he ask the group to do more reading. When I got this feeling I just feel very sad. I just mentioned the problem in my journal that my groupmate did't do any reading before the tutorial, and I didn't guess that the tutor's response is like this. I only want to tell him about the problem I am facing of when I am working in the group. But he sounds not liking I wrote about this.

 

I know they didn't do any reading before the tutorial because everytime we discuss they just sound knowing nothing and evertime they said that they would read the textbook later. And they don't even know some basic concept. And I know the tutor knows about this because when we was discussing he was there.

 

Should I tell the groupmates what to I think directly and ask them to do some reading before the tutorial and not have told the tutor through my journal. Do I have the power to ask them to do some readings by myself and is that my responsiblility to superinten their studies. The journal is actually a learning journal.

 

I am lost and maybe I won't be happy anymore, coz I find it too hard for me to survive in this real society. This may be because of the not perfect environment I grew up from and some reson that I know too little abotut being with people and I am a little strange maybe, I think ,when people thinking of me. Everything I want to do now is getting an higher grade to survive, but I I find it hard now. Because from my intuition and what he did about my journal I know the tutor will not be good to me anymore. I am so afraid of being hurt.

 

Even though I was faulty in not helping and guiding my groupmates enough, should I get this kind of punishment from the tutor?

 

 

Christin

[quankanne]

maybe your tutor is trying to tell you that you need to be a team player more, and less of an independent worker, and that your grade depends on how well you interact with your group on different projects.

 

it's hard when your study skills differ greatly from someone else's and you're expected to work together on projects. The best thing to do is that once you recognize what your style is, try to weave them together with your strongest skills so that everyone in the group benefits. If you read ahead, but they don't, watch them to see how they come up with theories and ideas without having had looked at the material. You'd be amazed at what you learn from their free thinking. In the meanwhile, maybe you can model how to pull nuggets of information from the material you read ahead of time and together y'all are able to put forth a good group presentation that has personal theories backed up (or refuted) by material you've read.