MM been living with me for 3 months!

[Italiana]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here... MM and i have been together (if you call dating a married man really "together") for 8 months. When we first met it started out as friends...we have a similar personality and really seemed to click. At first i did not want to be with him at all because he is married and has a 2 year old daughter. This is a sensitive subject for me because my father cheated on my mother and his mistress is now my stepmom.

 

I am tolerant of a lot in a relationship but for cheating. if someone cheats on me they are dead to me. I am ashamed of myself for falling in love with a married man. we started to have a sexual relationship about 4 months ago. i really do love him and trust him. somehow.

 

When we met he talked about being unhappy in his marraige and wanting a divorce even though he says his wife is a good person and a good mother. he talked about how good he was to her and he family ( who moved in with him and he supported for 5 years) he's only been married 5 years. he is the kind of guy who is loyal and hardworking for those he loves. i just dont understand why a man who shows such integrity in other aspects of his life would start to want a very serious relationship with me. he tells me he loves me and i feel this is true.

 

I gave him problems all the time about trying to be with me as a girlfreind but still going home to his wife. i was nearing the end of my rope. we had this conversation 3 months ago right before he was going to leave my apartment to go back to his wife.

He says okay... i love you and i want to be with you... are you sure you want to be with me... if so i won't go home...

and with that he texted his wife that he was staying at a friends house.

we have been together everynight since then.

 

this is all good and what i wanted.

 

But

 

he is still married and his wife does not want to get a divorce even though he has not been sleeping at his house for the better part of 3 months. he has been with me.

she still texts him every night.

I feel horrible inside. i have no idea what this woman is going through even though i can imagine it is torture. why is she tolerating this from him. i really hope he is not using me in some kind of sick game with his wife.

he takes care of me financially and we act like a couple, i just dont know what to do

any input will help

thanks so much

~

[TogetherForever]

Italiana,

Read my whole story.

Short version:

We've been living together for almost 6 years. He's not divorced yet, but he has minimal contact with his wife. When he does, it's about his kids & that's all. Also, his wife has been involved with someone else for quite some time now.

 

And keep posting

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand how you could help him cheat on his wife, after reading how you feel about if someone cheated on you. YOU are enabling him to continue to lie, cheat and betray his wife. Remember, he's lying to her, so he's capable of lying to you as well.

 

If you want to know HOW he truely feels about you, tell him goodbye (then go complete no contact with him) and to call you when they're officially divorced. Until then, he's got 2 women in his life...Why would he want to change that?

 

You deserve MORE and BETTER, though you won't get that from him. He's hurting you, hurting his wife as well and he's betraying his own child! WTF. Why are YOU putting up with it? You're not married to him, his wife is. She has a child with him...That wasn't enough to prevent him from cheating on her! What makes you think that if he won't cheat on you?

 

I feel horrible inside. i have no idea what this woman is going through even though i can imagine it is torture. why is she tolerating this from him. i really hope he is not using me in some kind of sick game with his wife.

You should atleast be sympathic and empathic towards his wife, I'm sure you saw the damage the cheating did to your own mother growing up.

 

Have you accepted your father's OW/mistress as your step mom? Remember, how you feel about her, is how HIS little girl may feel abot you one day.... I certainly hope you take time to see ALL sides of this affair and the damage it is doing...He's leading you on, and his wife. That just plain sucks.

 

His needs come first, not yours, not his wife's either.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I don't understand... does his W know he is staying with you now? Does she know he is having a relationship with you?

 

I dont necessarily think once a cheater always a cheater. But he needs to stop stringing his W along. He needs to tell her its over, that he wants a divorce and that its you he wants to be with.

 

Even if his M is over in his mind, he needs to show respect to his W's feelings and his little girl! What he is doing is a cowardly.

 

He is stringing you along too - the door is open for him to go back and work on things with his W which can't be a very secure situation for you.

[NoIDidn't]

Your guy sounds like he was just buckling under the weight of all of the responsibility that he had at home. I don't think he didn't go home because of his W or his love for you. He just have responsibility overload.

 

Coward that is running away from his responsibilities.

 

Do you have kids? It doesn't sound like it. I'd be willing to bet that if you did, he wouldn't have stayed with you on a whim like that.

[Italiana]

Thank you all for your replies.

Its always good to get different viewpoints.

 

I never thought of the fact that he is running away from his responsibilities. I understand it must be hard for him to deal with the feelings he's feeling but it gives him no excuse because he has a wife and a daughter that he owes an explanation to. i am enabeling him to escape those difficult talks he has to have with his wife.

 

She does not know about us at this time. He has a lot at stake and he's taking a big risk by living with me. only recently has it been starting to bother me that she does not know about us as i'm sure things would not be as they are now. a couple months back someone in town told her details about me and our relationship but i never heard any more of that. she never tried to contact me. who knows if this is even true.

 

his friends know about us.. my family, my friends, only his wife does not. she suspects he is with another woman but i have no idea what he is really telling her.

according to him the divorce is not moving forward b/c he is waiting for the house that they lived in to sell. he just bought his wife and daughter another house to live in which they will move into in early june.

He has gotten himself into quite a mess and it seems we are at a standstill.

 

someone is going to have to make a move soon and it is going to have to be me. i am getting more and more fed up as time goes by and i deserve better. one of these days i feel like i'm gonna loose it and totally FLIPOUT

 

i have a feeling this drama is only going to get worse as time goes on and when his wife finds out he has been living with me and having a relationship with me.

 

this is a mess i never should have gotten into

[Seen_It_All]

So, in short, he's basically playing house with you while he shucks all his responsibilities to his wife and family - while lying to them on a daily basis, of course.

 

LOL - HE'S take a big risk by living with you? Are you supposed to be FLATTERED by that? This selfish loser is doing exactly what he wants to do ... having fun in Fantasy Land with you while lying to his family to keep the door open so he can return when he's done.

[TogetherForever]

Well, it could happen. Her mm might just leave his wife permanantly (as in divorce his wife) & continue his relationship with his ow.

You just never know.

[TogetherForever]

And how does the wife NOT know what's going on? 3 months & she has no clue that her husband is with another woman?

Just seems odd to me:confused:.

[Italiana]

TF... It seems crazy to me too that she is not trying to find out what is going on with him. He tells her that he is staying at his guy friends house. she asked him for the address last week and he gave it to her.. but he is not with his friend he is with me. i dont understand why she is not getting more information from him. or following him or what... i know if i were her i would do everything in my power to get the truth in the situation... either to make the marraige work (which she wants to do) or get a divorce and move on. i guess she just believes what he is telling her or is passive or does not want to know the truth or hoping he will come back.

this is so wrong

[TogetherForever]

TF... It seems crazy to me too that she is not trying to find out what is going on with him. He tells her that he is staying at his guy friends house. she asked him for the address last week and he gave it to her.. but he is not with his friend he is with me. i dont understand why she is not getting more information from him. or following him or what... i know if i were her i would do everything in my power to get the truth in the situation... either to make the marraige work (which she wants to do) or get a divorce and move on. i guess she just believes what he is telling her or is passive or does not want to know the truth or hoping he will come back.

this is so wrong

 

Are they really married? Something IS wrong there. You either make the marriage work or you don't. IMO

[Trimmer]

a couple months back someone in town told her details about me and our relationship but i never heard any more of that. she never tried to contact me. who knows if this is even true.

 

his friends know about us.. my family, my friends, only his wife does not. she suspects he is with another woman but i have no idea what he is really telling her.

Your assumption that she knows only what he is telling her is probably not right. I bet with all the people who do know about you, she has either heard it or figured it out by now.

 

Have you considered that she may be quietly collecting information about his relationship and his deceit, so that she can use it to flatten him in a divorce/property/custody settlement? Depending on the divorce laws in your state, it may be to her advantage to let him "hang himself", and then hit him hard in court...

 

Either she is actually oblivious, and it will come as a huge shock when she eventually figures it out (drama!) or she has already figured it out, and is quietly waiting for the right moment to unleash on him and/or you (drama!)

 

i have a feeling this drama is only going to get worse as time goes on

Indeed, it seems likely...

[frannie]

... he talked about how good he was to her and her family ( who moved in with him and he supported for 5 years) he's only been married 5 years. he is the kind of guy who is loyal and hardworking for those he loves.

 

... i was nearing the end of my rope. we had this conversation 3 months ago right before he was going to leave my apartment to go back to his wife.

He says okay... i love you and i want to be with you... are you sure you want to be with me... if so i won't go home...

and with that he texted his wife that he was staying at a friends house.

 

oookkk

 

So.. his impression of himself is that he is good to her and her family, and loyal. But on the basis of a TEXT to her he drops her and stays with you... for three months..?

 

Does this tell you nothing or anything about this man..? This is good and loyal behaviour from him..? What do you think?

 

This is OK? It makes my flesh crawl.

[frannie]

TF... It seems crazy to me too that she is not trying to find out what is going on with him. He tells her that he is staying at his guy friends house. she asked him for the address last week and he gave it to her.. but he is not with his friend he is with me. i dont understand why she is not getting more information from him. or following him or what... i know if i were her i would do everything in my power to get the truth in the situation... either to make the marraige work (which she wants to do) or get a divorce and move on. i guess she just believes what he is telling her or is passive or does not want to know the truth or hoping he will come back.

this is so wrong

 

Yes it is, but you don't know about her, or anything about it... all you know is his actions... and they don't look good, do they..?

[norajane]

oookkk

 

So.. his impression of himself is that he is good to her and her family, and loyal. But on the basis of a TEXT to her he drops her and stays with you... for three months..?

 

Does this tell you nothing or anything about this man..? This is good and loyal behaviour from him..? What do you think?

 

This is OK? It makes my flesh crawl.

 

And what about his 2 year old daughter? Has he even seen her during these past 3 months??

 

This does not sound like a man with honor or integrity. Sooner or later, Italiana, you are going to feel the repercussions of being involved with a man who has such major weaknesses.

[Italiana]

He sees his daughter everyday. him and his wife have to have a relationship for the rest of his life.

Him and his wife keep in contact we have just been living together for 3 months. he doesn't sleep there anymore.

He is a good man. he is human. there is only so much a person can take.

we had a discussion last night about his marraige and he feels he is at the point of no return. the communication and teamwork between husband and wife was chipped away at year after year.

He still pays all the bills for her and her family who have been living with them for 5 years...including their cell phones, food, cars, everything. He is responsible for his wife and daughter but not her parents as well. his wife make a good living at her job but he still pays for all. he is by no means deserting his family. his daughter is the most important person in his life.

 

every realtionship is different .. just because he was not happy with her

does not mean he won't be happy with me.

[greengoddess]

another mm who sacrifices everything for his wife and kids. She works makes good money but this poor man pays for everything including her family and his mistresses finances too. Poor overburdened liar. That wife and her amily must be awful people making him pay for everything.

 

So ummm what of yours does he finance from the marital assests? She'll have a field day in court with this. Oh yes she's gathering proof to pounce.

[depressed1019]

Thank you all for your replies.

Its always good to get different viewpoints.

 

I never thought of the fact that he is running away from his responsibilities. I understand it must be hard for him to deal with the feelings he's feeling but it gives him no excuse because he has a wife and a daughter that he owes an explanation to. i am enabeling him to escape those difficult talks he has to have with his wife.

 

She does not know about us at this time. He has a lot at stake and he's taking a big risk by living with me. only recently has it been starting to bother me that she does not know about us as i'm sure things would not be as they are now. a couple months back someone in town told her details about me and our relationship but i never heard any more of that. she never tried to contact me. who knows if this is even true.

 

his friends know about us.. my family, my friends, only his wife does not. she suspects he is with another woman but i have no idea what he is really telling her.

according to him the divorce is not moving forward b/c he is waiting for the house that they lived in to sell. he just bought his wife and daughter another house to live in which they will move into in early june.

He has gotten himself into quite a mess and it seems we are at a standstill.

 

someone is going to have to make a move soon and it is going to have to be me. i am getting more and more fed up as time goes by and i deserve better. one of these days i feel like i'm gonna loose it and totally FLIPOUT

 

i have a feeling this drama is only going to get worse as time goes on and when his wife finds out he has been living with me and having a relationship with me.

 

this is a mess i never should have gotten into

ok well im in the same thing that you and him and his wife are in but im the wife that it is happening too i think you should break it off with him and give his wife and child they deserve i hate when women go after mm and there are plenty of single men out there for you guys

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

He sees his daughter everyday. him and his wife have to have a relationship for the rest of his life.

Him and his wife keep in contact we have just been living together for 3 months. he doesn't sleep there anymore.

He is a good man. he is human. there is only so much a person can take.

we had a discussion last night about his marraige and he feels he is at the point of no return. the communication and teamwork between husband and wife was chipped away at year after year.

He still pays all the bills for her and her family who have been living with them for 5 years...including their cell phones, food, cars, everything. He is responsible for his wife and daughter but not her parents as well. his wife make a good living at her job but he still pays for all. he is by no means deserting his family. his daughter is the most important person in his life.

 

every relationship is different .. just because he was not happy with her

does not mean he won't be happy with me.

 

Are you absolutely sure SHE hasn't chucked HIM out? And he doesn't want to let you know that he is trying to get back with her? It's such a weird situation - he still sees her and his child everyday and she hasn't asked where he's staying, hasn't followed him to where he is?

 

I agree, he is only human, we all are. And that makes us prone to faltering in many areas of our lives. But when you make a mistake, you stand up and do something about it. If it's true that his W does not know about you and is simply waiting for him to return home, then he should stand up and be a man and tell her where he is. She deserves to move on with her life just like he has. If, however, he is still contemplating moving home and is using you because he doesn't want to be alone, you too should stand up and be counted in all of this - you've got a lodger with benefits not a relationship otherwise.

 

I'm not saying you cant be happy, I dont believe that. What I AM saying is that he's giving you a preview to your future. That your trust is getting depleted in him the longer this goes on and if he cares about your relationship and the relationship with his W and child, he needs to stop running away and take a hold of his life.

[Italiana]

Are you absolutely sure SHE hasn't chucked HIM out? And he doesn't want to let you know that he is trying to get back with her? It's such a weird situation - he still sees her and his child everyday and she hasn't asked where he's staying, hasn't followed him to where he is?

 

I agree, he is only human, we all are. And that makes us prone to faltering in many areas of our lives. But when you make a mistake, you stand up and do something about it. If it's true that his W does not know about you and is simply waiting for him to return home, then he should stand up and be a man and tell her where he is. She deserves to move on with her life just like he has. If, however, he is still contemplating moving home and is using you because he doesn't want to be alone, you too should stand up and be counted in all of this - you've got a lodger with benefits not a relationship otherwise.

 

I'm not saying you cant be happy, I dont believe that. What I AM saying is that he's giving you a preview to your future. That your trust is getting depleted in him the longer this goes on and if he cares about your relationship and the relationship with his W and child, he needs to stop running away and take a hold of his life.

 

 

 

Thanks for your response....

 

Do you think its best if she knows the truth??

 

I had thought maybe it would be better if she didn't know about our relationship because it would hurt her more.

 

If he is a lying piece of s*it and he does go back with her I would be ok with that because at least he would be back with the woman with whom he has a child with.

 

I knew what i was getting myself into from the begining. If this does end and he breaks my heart i will come out a wiser and stronger person

 

We all seem to get stupid by "love"

[Lizzie60]

If he is a lying piece of s*it

 

he is... what do you expect? Something is wrong here, I can't believe that anyone can be so dumb to believe their husband is living with a friend for the last 3 months...

 

Come on now! This guy is a total jerk... he is either controlling and she's scared of him or she's just dumb, which does tell a lot about him.

[whichwayisup]

I knew what i was getting myself into from the begining. If this does end and he breaks my heart i will come out a wiser and stronger person

Then take responsibility for your part in this and walk away. You knew the situation going in, so if it isn't working for you anymore and you're unhappy, END IT.

 

He is lying and I hope you see that. Lying to his wife, lying to you. Best thing you can do is remove yourself from this drama.

[ruby_gloom]

So, you think this about cheating:

 

I am tolerant of a lot in a relationship but for cheating. if someone cheats on me they are dead to me.

 

Yet you are sleeping and living with someone who:

 

is still married and his wife does not want to get a divorce even though he has not been sleeping at his house for the better part of 3 months. he has been with me.

 

?

 

This makes no sense. You are saying that you will, in short, not tolerate cheating (which is good), yet you are just fine with helping someone cheat on another? So, I guess cheating is fine, so long as you're not the one being cheated on, right?

 

Well, newsflash: you are being cheated on. Perhaps you may not think it and perhaps, from what you've said, you are not being cheated on physically, but you are certainly being cheated on emotionally.

 

When in a good relationship, you should feel and be fulfilled by your partner, meaning that your partner should be there for you--entirely--physically, emotionally, and mentally. You say that he is "living with you" and yes, perhaps he does "live with you" at night time, but is he really living with you--entirely?

 

Of course not. Whether you want to believe it or not, his attention and affections are being divided into three: his child, wife, and you. IMO, his attention and affection should not be divided, but rather shared between his child and wife. If for whatever reason he is unhappy in his marriage, then that is his and his wife's problem. You have no business in that unless you are his therapist, which you are clearly not.

 

All of this "but I love him" means absolutely nothing: yes, we unfortunately cannot really control whom we fall in love with, but thankfully we also have brains to consult before we act on our feelings. Just because you love someone who is not available does not mean you need to actively pursue a relationship with him; you need to let him be. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can be with him. And just because you can be with someone doesn't mean that you should.

 

In this case, you "can" be with him, but you should not and I am sure you know exactly why.

 

It's unbelievable that you have the audacity to say that you wouldn't tolerate cheating yet come here and declare that you are helping another cheat. Why is this? Why is it okay for you to reject a certain kind of pain yet inflict the same pain on someone else?

 

Are you really that self-absorbed? Remember: the world does not revolve around you and there are times when we simply cannot have what we want. And even during the times when we can, if something as large as the happiness and well-being of a child is at stake, we should not have it.

 

Yes, maybe the child will not be happy if the marriage continues on the dirt road, but that is not your business. This man needs to really be human and decide that he either wants to work on his marriage or get divorced. If they, not you, feel that divorce is the best way to go, then perhaps that might be what's best for the long run, even if it may not seem that way now. But again, that is something they need to decide without your influence.

 

You really need to think about your situation and realize that you are no winner. If nothing else, realize that this man is cheating you emotionally. And, if you can, think about others: think about that child. What are you doing to it? No one needs the torment that comes along from a wayward mother or father. It is awful and even though the child may be young now, you can bet they will grow to resent both the parent and you.

 

Why would you do this to someone? Especially to an innocent child? I really don't get it.

[Reckless]

he texted his wife that he was staying at a friends house. - we have been together everynight since then.

 

HuH?!

 

He let his wife know he was leaving her and their 2 year old child BY TEXT? Has the world gone mad?

 

Does she now know that he is living with another woman or does she still think he's at a friends house?

 

Has he filed for divorce?

 

Is it just me or is this weirdness freaky?

[whichwayisup]

The way this man disrespects his own wife and family, what makes you think in the future he'll treat you any better? Fact is, his history with his wife, his vows, having a child with his wife, building a home with them, didn't stop him from cheating. Don't you think now his track record kind sucks when it comes to committment? Just giving you more to think about.