Star Gazer Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 That's right, I am not supposed to feel.... I am not trying to influence her behavior, but she presented herself as someone totally different. And as far as what she said, did you ever hear of the woman who said one thing and does another? You put words in my mouth the same way you assign intention to this girl, and again, you're WRONG. I never said you're not supposed to FEEL. Look dude, you were rejected in a way - whatever she may want from you (smoochy-smoochy, sex, whatever), it's definitely NOT a relationship, which is what you were hoping for with her. Rejection is never pleasant. I'm not saying you should be running around saying, "Yipppeeee! The girl I like doesn't want a relationship! She just wants to make out with me and other guys and have fun, but she does not want to be in a relationship with me, YAY!" That is not at all what I'm saying. What I'm saying is she has NOT presented herself as one person and acted like another. She told you she doesn't want a relationship with you. She has PROVEN this to you through her actions. "Liking" you doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you. Inviting you over doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you. Kissing you doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you. Having sex with you doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you (don't know if you have, just sayin'). Hanging out with other guys in her bed is PROOF that she doesn't want a relationship with you. She honestly couldn't be more honest with you. Answer me this: She is 19. Young and carefree. Why can't you just accept the fact that she doesn't want to be committed to you, that she wants to be on her own, doesn't want to have to answer to anyone, wants to be able to see whomever whenever she wants? That is what she wants. Why can't you see that? But more importantly, why are you focusing ANY amount of energy on someone who is making it so clear to you that they don't want what you want?
oppath Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 You aren't a control freak, you just aren't accepting what people have been telling you. I'm not going to absolve this girl fully; no doubt her behavior to you is confusing. At the same time, it sounds to me like she's made it clear from week 1 that she doesn't want a relationship period. Her actions are consistent with that. Can you feel rejected and hurt? Yes. Can you feel like she is making bad choices? Yes. But you don't have a right to say "I feel hurt you are doing this and it is disrespectful to me" because it is not. You and her have no agreement, she has been honest with you, she is not professing one thing to you and acting differently. You really have no say in a non-exclusive stage of dating. If someone is clearly serial dating, partying, and playing the field while you are looking for a relationship, IT MEANS YOU SHOULD WALK AWAY. Two people have to be looking for similar things for something to work out. Most people learn this lesson the hard way. Learn it now. Embrace it. Yes, her hanging out with you all the time, smooching, etc, must be confusing to you. Yes, those actions "normally" indicated someone may like you enough to want to move towards a relationship, but your are filtering out her words AND her other actions. Don't talk to a girl or hang out nearly every day EVEN IF she is looking for a relationship. Twice a week, tops. Get to know her casually. If someone says "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" and you are, don't see them anymore. Now, if she were to date you, and she agreed to be exclusive, and she was having random guys over late at night: yes, you'd have a right to be pissed as hell (in addition to feeling hurt). If she were to lie about her behaviors/whereabouts you'd have a right to ask her to stop. If she were to truly lead you on, and then dump you saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" you'd have every right to tell her "**** you, you initiated one and agreed to one, I deserve a more respectful explanation than that. You shouldn't get involved if you aren't ready." But she DID NOT GET INVOLVED. IF she did, yes, dinner with an ex is borderline inappropriate; that ex should certainly know upfront she had a boyfriend. If she couldn't tell him to prevent hurting his feelings, he is not a friend, and she shouldn't be meeting him. BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. So she can see him. She is not disrespecting you. Yes, you should feel hurt. I would too. I would feel slightly confused. But she made it clear from the get go where she stands. If she were to become exclusive with you and do these things, and date you several months, and make you feel like you were controlling for saying "I feel uncomfortable with you hanging out with your ex; does he know you've moved on and have a boyfriend?", she'd be disrespectful. But her actions have matched her words. Control isn't an issue here. What is an issue is you not accepting she doesn't want a relationship; she did not lead you on even if her behaviors were confusing, because ACTIONS MUST MATCH WORDS. Actions do speak louder, but it comes down to this: if words say something in the positive, but the actions are neutral or negative, something is up. Examine it, communicate it, express your needs and make a decision. Focus on the actions and how they don't match the words. If words say something in the negative, but the actions are in the positive, focus on the words until actions are aligned.
champagne Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I have been doing some reading today. I am curious what people think constitutes a control-freak. What are the signs? I believe there is fine line between being controlling and self respect that is often crossed. For example: If a girl you were dating ended up hanging with 3 strange guys at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning - how would you handle that? I think some amount of jealousy is normal, otherwise you must not care. How about getting upset about an ex-boyfriend who is still in touch? Is this controlling or a natural defense mechanism to protect oneself? Ok....you're still obsessing about that girl who told you she...all together now....doesn't want a relationship with you. If you were actually dating her, you might have some reason to be upset. But...she's not your girlfriend.
champagne Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Is this the girl who told you that she didn't want a relationship with you? LOL. This is making me laugh for some reason.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 LOL. This is making me laugh for some reason. A typical response of the ignorant.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Ok....you're still obsessing about that girl who told you she...all together now....doesn't want a relationship with you. If you were actually dating her, you might have some reason to be upset. But...she's not your girlfriend. You do not tell me what is right and wrong to feel. I do.
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Labotomy, please? Understood and I can sympathize with you. We're all on LS for reasons of the heart.
halfarock Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 For example: If a girl you were dating ended up hanging with 3 strange guys at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning - how would you handle that? i would invite 3 strange women to my crib to drink until the wee hours or the morning. monkey see monkey do I get it, I get it. Does anyone besides me see this as disrespectful to me? I don’t I think some amount of jealousy is normal, otherwise you must not care. I think that you are wrong. Many years ago I had a relationship with a woman and we had 2 kids. She was always a bit jealous but after having the kids and feeling insecure her jealousy became unbearable. Even going to a store and if the cashier smiled at me a little too much then she thought we must have something going on. Stay after work to finish something up and she thought I had a thing with one of the women at the office. What other reason could I be taking my check to the bank than to flirt with the tellers? Her jealousy was the poison that killed our relationship. Never was her jealousy about anything other than her thinking that she should control all that I did. My current girlfriend is pretty and sociable. If I were to get jealous every time she talked to or hung out with a guy or guys I’d go absolutely mad. I’ve never known her to be jealous either. We have a much more healthy and happy relationship than I did with the mother of my children.
DanielMadr Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I have been doing some reading today. I am curious what people think constitutes a control-freak. What are the signs? I believe there is fine line between being controlling and self respect that is often crossed. For example: If a girl you were dating ended up hanging with 3 strange guys at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning - how would you handle that? I think some amount of jealousy is normal, otherwise you must not care. How about getting upset about an ex-boyfriend who is still in touch? Is this controlling or a natural defense mechanism to protect oneself? Self respect guy would wish them Good night, turn around and leave. It is not his house or his daughter to beat the cr@p out of the guys and throw them out or talk some sense to the girl. And after all girl who takes 3 guys on a "date" is not worth any effort or emotion. Jealousy exists in every man. How you cope with it is another thing. I personally dont mind it unless Im convinced she seriously doesnt care about me and tries to humiliate me....in that case I take my TV set and leave. And when the guy flirting with her pays me no respect (no apology when he recognises Im with her) I hint him its not a good idea to do. Never ever happend I would have to progress to 'slapping, teeth broking, blood spraying' phase.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 I don’t I think that you are wrong. Many years ago I had a relationship with a woman and we had 2 kids. She was always a bit jealous but after having the kids and feeling insecure her jealousy became unbearable. Even going to a store and if the cashier smiled at me a little too much then she thought we must have something going on. Stay after work to finish something up and she thought I had a thing with one of the women at the office. What other reason could I be taking my check to the bank than to flirt with the tellers? Her jealousy was the poison that killed our relationship. Never was her jealousy about anything other than her thinking that she should control all that I did. My current girlfriend is pretty and sociable. If I were to get jealous every time she talked to or hung out with a guy or guys I’d go absolutely mad. I’ve never known her to be jealous either. We have a much more healthy and happy relationship than I did with the mother of my children. Dude thanks for your response. I don't think your examples are parallel to what my questions were though. Getting pissed off about some girl smiling at you is a far cry from taking 3 strange guys home drunk. Comprende?
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Self respect guy would wish them Good night, turn around and leave. It is not his house or his daughter to beat the cr@p out of the guys and throw them out or talk some sense to the girl. And after all girl who takes 3 guys on a "date" is not worth any effort or emotion. Jealousy exists in every man. How you cope with it is another thing. I personally dont mind it unless Im convinced she seriously doesnt care about me and tries to humiliate me....in that case I take my TV set and leave. And when the guy flirting with her pays me no respect (no apology when he recognises Im with her) I hint him its not a good idea to do. Never ever happend I would have to progress to 'slapping, teeth broking, blood spraying' phase. Everything you said is valid. It proved to me she obviously did not care about my feelings by the way she acted. We were only "dating" so I was just curious where the lines are drawn. I did not put up with her behavior and I bever will.
hardcase Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 I personally would have had no issue in this situation. As long as my girl and I didn't have plans that night, she could sure go out out with her friends. But what if it is just a girl whom you are dating and it is ALWAYS guy friends? And you are never invited..... Then its totally unacceptable.
annabelle75 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Everything you said is valid. It proved to me she obviously did not care about my feelings by the way she acted. We were only "dating" so I was just curious where the lines are drawn. I did not put up with her behavior and I bever will. And this is what everyone is trying to tell you. There are no lines if you are not exclusive. She told you she did not want a realtionship and acted accordingly. And .... just ebcasue a girl has lots of male freinds doesn't mean she is doing something bad. I have lots of guy friends and several ex-boyfriends I still talk to. If a guy I dated ever expressed a problem with me hangoing out with my friends, I wouldn't be dating him anymore. If he doesn't trust me then there is no point. I'm not going to let any man tell me who I can have as friends. Also, you keep bringing up the three guys. Did she have some sort of gang bang or something? Or did they just come over and crash at her place after a night of drinking? I'm not going to assume she is morally corrupt based on the limited information you have given. Friends (even male ones) crash at my place all the time.
IpAncA Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 For example: If a girl you were dating ended up hanging with 3 strange guys at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning - how would you handle that? Not very well. She can do that as long as she's not exclusive with the guy she's dating. How about getting upset about an ex-boyfriend who is still in touch? Is this controlling or a natural defense mechanism to protect oneself? Again she can do that as long as she's not in a committed relationship. She does not want exclusivity, but she LIKES me. Unless your exclusive, she can do whatever. BUT if you ever did become exclusive, then I would expect what she's doing to stop. Perhaps you should move onto someone else because it sounds like she's not ready for a committed relationship. I guess you can tell her how you feel but she doesn't have to listen to you.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 And this is what everyone is trying to tell you. There are no lines if you are not exclusive. She told you she did not want a realtionship and acted accordingly. And .... just ebcasue a girl has lots of male freinds doesn't mean she is doing something bad. I have lots of guy friends and several ex-boyfriends I still talk to. If a guy I dated ever expressed a problem with me hangoing out with my friends, I wouldn't be dating him anymore. If he doesn't trust me then there is no point. I'm not going to let any man tell me who I can have as friends. Also, you keep bringing up the three guys. Did she have some sort of gang bang or something? Or did they just come over and crash at her place after a night of drinking? I'm not going to assume she is morally corrupt based on the limited information you have given. Friends (even male ones) crash at my place all the time. First off, they were aquaintences. When I asked her how long she knew these guys, her response was "all night". She told me the one guy drove her home because she was drunk. Then she invited him in, and into her bed. According to her, nothing happened because she told him "I don't want a relationship" ROFL!!! Keep in mind she knew this guy "all night".
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Not very well. She can do that as long as she's not exclusive with the guy she's dating. Again she can do that as long as she's not in a committed relationship. Unless your exclusive, she can do whatever. BUT if you ever did become exclusive, then I would expect what she's doing to stop. Perhaps you should move onto someone else because it sounds like she's not ready for a committed relationship. I guess you can tell her how you feel but she doesn't have to listen to you. You're right, she can do whatever she wants. I don't have to accept it OR value it. No respectable guy is going to go along with her anyway.
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