peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I have been doing some reading today. I am curious what people think constitutes a control-freak. What are the signs? I believe there is fine line between being controlling and self respect that is often crossed. For example: If a girl you were dating ended up hanging with 3 strange guys at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning - how would you handle that? I think some amount of jealousy is normal, otherwise you must not care. How about getting upset about an ex-boyfriend who is still in touch? Is this controlling or a natural defense mechanism to protect oneself?
Star Gazer Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Your questions are far to vague. In the first scenario, what is "dating" to you? And what constitutes "strange guys"? As for the ex-BF, what do you mean by "getting upset" and "still in contact"?? There are many, many variables that go into each situation...
sweetie7 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Definitely a topic that comes up with my friends and I often! I believe my friend is in an extremely controlling relationship, but she doesn't see it that way. Her bf was cheated on in every relationship he's been in and he's scared to death she'll cheat on him too. Umm if you met this girl you would know she is the sweetest, most innocent girl in the world and would never even think of hurting a fly. Anyway, if we go out (which it's rare she'll even go out with the girls) she texts/calls him all night and always claims to be "tired" all evening so she can go home early. If he calls and there are guys in the background, she flips out and one time even hung up on him so he wouldn't hear. Won't even talk to guys when we're out and looks extremely uncomfortable all the time. It's really sad to me because I've been friends with this girl forever and always pictured her to be with an amazingly kind guy. I guess I don't know how he treats her behind closed doors though. I KNOW he doesn't like us, thinks we drink too much, and party too much...which is not true at all. We are all 24 years old, go out maybe one night on the weekend. And now that it's summer we like to go out for dinner and drinks, but we rarely get drunk and never out of control. Most of us have been friends since elementary school and have such a strong bond and just love spending time together. When she goes out with us, she will barely drink at all, but when she's out with him she's fine getting drunk. So yeah, sorry if I didn't really answer your question. I think if you supress someone's personality and make them change in negative ways, you are a control freak. I am all about being in a relationship where I am going to change in a positive way...anything else and no thanks.
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 A healthy relationship is one where there's strong communication between the two people involved. Each have set clear boundaries so there's no room for misunderstanding, although there's room for compromise. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. There's also got to be some space between couples. You can't live in each others' pockets or define who they may wish to interact with, as long as the interaction is not over the line of decency. Don't need, control or manipulate. Support, encourage and suggest. A good relationship enhances the two people involved to excel within themselves.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Your questions are far to vague. In the first scenario, what is "dating" to you? And what constitutes "strange guys"? As for the ex-BF, what do you mean by "getting upset" and "still in contact"?? There are many, many variables that go into each situation... Keep in mind these are questions to consider during the DATING phase.... And when I say "upset" I mean just emotionally let down... Okay, for the first one. Let's say you meet a new girl who moves to town. The two of you are dating "non-exclusively". Let's say she meets another guy and within a very short time ( a day or two) has this new guy (drunk) and his buddies over to her apartment OVERNIGHT. As a man, am I not supposed to question this? Would it make me a control freak to be a bit pissed and consider ending it? As for the ex-flame or whatever... let's say you were dating a girl and her old flame comes to town and they have dinner. Where does a guy draw the line? Also, what about girls who constantly have guys around (old and new)? I am talking about the type of girl that has little or no female companions but have many, many guy friends. Not just old friends, but new acquaintenances as well. - I find this very hard to deal with.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Definitely a topic that comes up with my friends and I often! I believe my friend is in an extremely controlling relationship, but she doesn't see it that way. Her bf was cheated on in every relationship he's been in and he's scared to death she'll cheat on him too. Umm if you met this girl you would know she is the sweetest, most innocent girl in the world and would never even think of hurting a fly. Anyway, if we go out (which it's rare she'll even go out with the girls) she texts/calls him all night and always claims to be "tired" all evening so she can go home early. If he calls and there are guys in the background, she flips out and one time even hung up on him so he wouldn't hear. Won't even talk to guys when we're out and looks extremely uncomfortable all the time. It's really sad to me because I've been friends with this girl forever and always pictured her to be with an amazingly kind guy. I guess I don't know how he treats her behind closed doors though. I KNOW he doesn't like us, thinks we drink too much, and party too much...which is not true at all. We are all 24 years old, go out maybe one night on the weekend. And now that it's summer we like to go out for dinner and drinks, but we rarely get drunk and never out of control. Most of us have been friends since elementary school and have such a strong bond and just love spending time together. When she goes out with us, she will barely drink at all, but when she's out with him she's fine getting drunk. So yeah, sorry if I didn't really answer your question. I think if you supress someone's personality and make them change in negative ways, you are a control freak. I am all about being in a relationship where I am going to change in a positive way...anything else and no thanks. I personally would have had no issue in this situation. As long as my girl and I didn't have plans that night, she could sure go out out with her friends. But what if it is just a girl whom you are dating and it is ALWAYS guy friends? And you are never invited.....
jcster Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 The two of you are dating "non-exclusively". Let's say she meets another guy and within a very short time ( a day or two) has this new guy (drunk) and his buddies over to her apartment OVERNIGHT. As a man, am I not supposed to question this? Would it make me a control freak to be a bit pissed and consider ending it?If you are non-exclusive, you aren't really allowed to question her actions. She can have 50 guys over if she wants, it's her perogative, and despite your opinion on the matter, it's not your concern. If you decide that you can't handle seeing someone who would do something like this, then you are free to end it. That's pretty much all you are entitled to do. Commenting on it, making ultimatums or otherwise trying to change her behavior will most likely be seen as controlling.
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 If you are non-exclusive, you aren't really allowed to question her actions. She can have 50 guys over if she wants, it's her perogative, and despite your opinion on the matter, it's not your concern. If you decide that you can't handle seeing someone who would do something like this, then you are free to end it. That's pretty much all you are entitled to do. Commenting on it, making ultimatums or otherwise trying to change her behavior will most likely be seen as controlling. No kidding. If you haven't had the exclusivity conversation with her, bite down on your jealousy and take it like a man. If you want her exclusivity, bite down like a man and ask her. Having your cake and eating it too is not the sign of a man.
zilverenvlinder Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 sweetie, your story sounds similar to that of my friend Tamera. The other day, I was just hanging out with her by ourselves at her house, drinking a bottle of wine. Her boyfriend called her about five times in the three or so hours I was there, and she had to pretend she wasn't drinking and made up a story about how we were just "watching TV". It's wine, for Christ sake. Then, we were all playing a board game and he flipped out on her because she agreed to one of his guy friends' rules about the game instead of his. It was so freaky and awkward that I just wanted to leave. Not only is he a control freak, they make out in front of everyone all the time and it's disgusting. It's to the point where I don't want to hang out with them at all anymore. Like, neither of them are very attractive, sorry to say, and both of them always thinks the opposite sex is checking out the other one. So, they're both freaks. Maybe they deserve each other. I think I'm straying off the subject...sorry...but the other day my boyfriend and I stayed at Tamera's boyfriend's house and they made a huge sex show and we could hear it in the living room and I was so embarrassed and disgusted that I'm never staying there again.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 No kidding. If you haven't had the exclusivity conversation with her, bite down on your jealousy and take it like a man. If you want her exclusivity, bite down like a man and ask her. Having your cake and eating it too is not the sign of a man. She does not want exclusivity, but she LIKES me. So as a man, I am supposed to be cool with a girl I am dating having drunk, male strangers over?
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 She does not want exclusivity, but she LIKES me. So as a man, I am supposed to be cool with a girl I am dating having drunk, male strangers over? Why in the world would you be willing to settle for someone who isn't in the same place in life as you are? You're setting yourself up for heartbreak. Don't do this to yourself. State your boundaries and let her take it from there. If she abides, great, if she doesn't, walk.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Is this the girl who told you that she didn't want a relationship with you?
alphamale Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 For example: If a girl you were dating ended up hanging with 3 strange guys at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning - how would you handle that? i would invite 3 strange women to my crib to drink until the wee hours or the morning. monkey see monkey do
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 i would invite 3 strange women to my crib to drink until the wee hours or the morning. monkey see monkey do I get it, I get it. Does anyone besides me see this as disrespectful to me?
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Is this the girl who told you that she didn't want a relationship with you? Yep. The one who said she didn't want a relationship but we spent nearly everyday together anyway and I became attached. simply amazed....
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 sweetie, your story sounds similar to that of my friend Tamera. The other day, I was just hanging out with her by ourselves at her house, drinking a bottle of wine. Her boyfriend called her about five times in the three or so hours I was there, and she had to pretend she wasn't drinking and made up a story about how we were just "watching TV". It's wine, for Christ sake. Then, we were all playing a board game and he flipped out on her because she agreed to one of his guy friends' rules about the game instead of his. It was so freaky and awkward that I just wanted to leave. Not only is he a control freak, they make out in front of everyone all the time and it's disgusting. It's to the point where I don't want to hang out with them at all anymore. Like, neither of them are very attractive, sorry to say, and both of them always thinks the opposite sex is checking out the other one. So, they're both freaks. Maybe they deserve each other. I think I'm straying off the subject...sorry...but the other day my boyfriend and I stayed at Tamera's boyfriend's house and they made a huge sex show and we could hear it in the living room and I was so embarrassed and disgusted that I'm never staying there again. This is clearly an example of an abusive guy. I was hoping to get a response on my examples....
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Why in the world would you be willing to settle for someone who isn't in the same place in life as you are? You're setting yourself up for heartbreak. Don't do this to yourself. State your boundaries and let her take it from there. If she abides, great, if she doesn't, walk. I agree. We have since went seperate ways. She claims she "used" to like me but since I reacted to her behavior she has changed her mind. So hence the question it made me think of. Great advice. The best advice you already know but it is so hard to do. If there was a way I could erase some of the moments we shared, then this would be easier to do. It's like a double edged sword for me. I know it won't work, but we had this crazy connection at the same time. Labotomy, please?
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 If you are non-exclusive, you aren't really allowed to question her actions. She can have 50 guys over if she wants, it's her perogative, and despite your opinion on the matter, it's not your concern. If you decide that you can't handle seeing someone who would do something like this, then you are free to end it. That's pretty much all you are entitled to do. Commenting on it, making ultimatums or otherwise trying to change her behavior will most likely be seen as controlling. I don't understand why it is not my concern, assuming I care about her and her well being? Is it normal for a guy not to care in this situation? Because I do - I want to know what is going on even if we are just dating. Why is that wrong? Now granted if this continues, I won't continue to care. But initially....
jcster Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I don't understand why it is not my concern, assuming I care about her and her well being? Is it normal for a guy not to care in this situation? Because I do - I want to know what is going on even if we are just dating. Why is that wrong? It's neither right nor wrong to care - it's just moot. You don't have an exclusive relationship with her - in fact, you don't really have a relationship with her now. You liked her - end of story. What you are doing now is obsessing about her actions. It's not healthy. I think your feelings were hurt and now you want her to be the "bad guy." But she's not, she's just doing her thing and you're not minding your own business. It's all right to feel bad that it didn't work out - isn't that enough? Just let it go, for your own sake.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 It's neither right nor wrong to care - it's just moot. You don't have an exclusive relationship with her - in fact, you don't really have a relationship with her now. You liked her - end of story. What you are doing now is obsessing about her actions. It's not healthy. I think your feelings were hurt and now you want her to be the "bad guy." But she's not, she's just doing her thing and you're not minding your own business. It's all right to feel bad that it didn't work out - isn't that enough? Just let it go, for your own sake. I am not obsessing over why it did not work out. I am simply trying to learn from this situation. I am sure I will encounter this in the future as well. So can we get back to my original questions? So what you are saying is that I have no right to voice my dismay over her actions? Is this controlling?
Author peace_pipe Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I think your feelings were hurt and now you want her to be the "bad guy." Yes my feelings were hurt. It's not about wanting her to be the "bad guy". Remember my feelings were hurt for a reason, because of HER crazy behavior. Her behavior is destructive regardless of what I think of her. My question was wether or not my behavior would have been seen as controlling. How would you react if a girl you were dating and interested in acted in this way?
nicki Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 You weren't out of line, or controlling. Simply protective and jealous in the right amount. She was way out of line. A women like that will say a man is "controlling" in order to control him....especially when she is doing something very wrong. Let yourself off the hook here.
Star Gazer Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 She does not want exclusivity, but she LIKES me. So as a man, I am supposed to be cool with a girl I am dating having drunk, male strangers over? So what if she likes you? She's made it PAINFULLY CLEAR to you that she does NOT want a relationship with you. Therefore, you have NO RIGHT to even so much as try to influence her behavior, let alone get mad at her for it.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 You weren't out of line, or controlling. Simply protective and jealous in the right amount. She was way out of line. A women like that will say a man is "controlling" in order to control him....especially when she is doing something very wrong. Let yourself off the hook here. Thank you Nicki. I really needed to hear a different point of view than what was posted so far and it means a lot coming from you, as I have read some of your posts. Thank you all.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 So what if she likes you? She's made it PAINFULLY CLEAR to you that she does NOT want a relationship with you. Therefore, you have NO RIGHT to even so much as try to influence her behavior, let alone get mad at her for it. That's right, I am not supposed to feel.... I am not trying to influence her behavior, but she presented herself as someone totally different. And as far as what she said, did you ever hear of the woman who said one thing and does another?
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