tls96 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 First of all this is my first time posting. i was trying to see if anyone on here has had a similar experience to me and unfortuantely it doesn't look that way. Here's my story (its kinda long). So my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me on sunday. i didn't even know that he was thinking about breaking up with me (he internalizes a lot of stuff). I haven't seen him in a month because hes out of state for an internship. So he calls me up and says "i have to talk to you. i don't think this is working out" i ask him what made you come to this conclusion? "well you said that you and your friend went to look at rings and i was hanging out with married people and when i thought about out relationship i couldn't see myself with you in the long run. all i kept thinking about was how great of a FRIEND you are" he also came up with this conclusion in less than a week! this was one of the most painful things i have ever heard. we had a wonderful relationship, got along great, never fought, had a lot in common etc etc. i've also realized that his boy is emotionally unavailable and i don't think he know what its like to love someone else (hence the " i don't feel butterflies when i see you" crap. he actually said this to me). anyways hes like "i love you as a friend and i want you to be in my life. you know me more than anyone and i can't lose you". i don't know what to say i'm in shock. i call him up the next day after i'd gathered my thoughts to let him know that i think that its bull that he broke up with me without even telling me how he was feeling. i finally told him that i did love him (everytime i'd try to tell him that in out relationship he back away like i had the plague). and that he needs to work on opening up emotionally. he told me that other girlfriends have told him that before but its not like he's actually tried to do so. i tell him that i'm so hurt and crushed that hes doing this to me and that i feel rejected. he told me that there is no reason for me to feel that way because i'm a great girlfriend and he regrets doing this to me and hurting me. you can hear the guilt in his voice. He called me twice yesterday to see how i was doing and to tell me how his first day of work was. i ask him if he feels awkward talking to me considering he just broke up with me and he says no. he loves talking to me and hopes that we can be the best of friends. luckily i dont have to see him again until september. please let me know if this is a normal reaction for a dumper to do!
Yernasia Quorelios Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 While your question is perfectly understandable, it is the wrong question. Your question shoould be "What is this doing to me and if what it is doing to me is making me feel bad what can I do about it?" If the answer is "it is making me feel bad" then you need to cut yourself off from this guy fast and permanently. He sounds like he has commitment issues. He wants all the good stuff from a relationship without dealing with any of the bad or mediocre. If you continue to commit yourself to this guy, you will remain unavailable to other guys who may be better for you.
Author tls96 Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 thanks for your response. the thing is we get along so great that he doesn't make me feel like crap. i pretty much told him i don't hate him i just hate this whole situation. we weren't even supposed to be dating. we were friends and it just kinda progressed from there.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 ...then you have to make the call.... ...live with a situation you hate.... ...or don't. Whatever you decide to do, good luck .
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 That's the tricky thing about 'friends'. As long as you are 'friends' and you still love him, you are going to feel like you are settling for less, and it will frustrate you to no end as you read everything he does and says as a chance at getting back together. There's always that chance too that he will start dating other people. Not sure if a 'friendship' when you are in love with him is going to work when you see him finding happiness with someone else. Is it unusual for a dumper to do? Not really. When someone dumps you, they are dumping the parts of the relationship that aren't working for them. By remaining 'friends' he gets to keep the parts he likes, while avoiding the parts he doesn't. Unfortunately, the parts he is avoiding are the ones that you want from him, and he will not have those available to you. He will be your buddy, your friend, your confidant, he will call you, want to hang out with you, etc. but he will not love you in the way you want him to. You have to decide for yourself what you are willing to settle for and if you can handle him handing you 'friends' when it is 'love' that you want. It will be a constant struggle to keep your emotions in check, as you try to separate your feelings out into 'love' and 'friends'. Instinct and emotional self preservation will constantly bring those 'love' feelings to the forefront so it will be at the very least, an uphill battle. What is more important to you, your happiness or his? Staying 'friends' won't make you happy, but it will make him happy. Walking away with no chance at 'friends' will give you the opportunity to heal in such a way that finding happiness is a choice for you again. As long as you cling to 'friends' you will be cutting yourself off at the knees in terms of finding happiness with someone else. You'll be waiting for that magic moment when he says 'I want you back', and unfortunately chances are you'll be waiting a long time for something that won't happen. It can happen with someone else, but not if you aren't in the right state in your heart and mind to let that happen. If you want that for yourself, you'll need to explain to your ex that you love him, and as long as you have these feelings for him 'friends' isn't possible - and you'll need plenty of time and space to work things about before that is a possibility. No contact is the quickest way to wean yourself off of this.
Author tls96 Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 thanks! ok here's the weirdest part he said that he wants to be friends and he wants to get me through my depression..... what dumper says "i'm still your friend and i really care for you. i want to help you get through this cause i know that you deserve better than this"
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 ..... what dumper says "i'm still your friend and i really care for you. i want to help you get through this cause i know that you deserve better than this" The kind who likes you as a person, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
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