The other woman

[captiness]

Having never posted on one of these froums before and only reading what other people have said i thought that it would be nice to get some advice from some other people about what is going on in my life, as some or all of you may know when involved with a mm, secrecy about the relationship is often a factor!

 

When things first started between me and mm i knew that he was married, had been for 13 years, and that his wife was pregnant. I am not proud of the fact that things started while she was pregnant but at the time we both decided that it was only sex and nothing more. Then 2 months later, a month before the baby was born, mm sent me a letter in which he said how much he was in love with me and how he was confused because he still loved his wife aswell! I must admit that i had strong feelings for him too. Things continued between us and i have been seeing mm for over two years now, and am deeply in love with him. The wife has suspected that mm is having an affair and has claimed that if he did ever leave her mm would not see their child, and i know that this is one of the reasons that he will never leave her.

I know some of you might question how a woman can love a man who is already married and i can't honestly give an answer that can explain it.

I just have a few questions really:

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

 

Hope you can help

[allburnedout]

I sure don't have all the answers but from the other side of the coin I can have a stab at some of your questions;

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

I think it is possible but more likely that he's lying to you. I've lied where it's been easier to do so than admit the truth. It's hard enough admitting to yourself you're cheating and being a terrible person never mind to someone you love.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

If he left and you both tried to make a go of it you'd just be subject to the same difficulties everyone else with age gaps has. Some work, some don't - it just depends on the person IYKWIM.

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

 

The easy answer is that we don't choose who we fall in love with but sometimes I think it's because we want someone a bit unobtainable or that on some level we enjoy the "naughtiness" of sneaking around. I'm not saying that's true for you but I know it is for some.

[Ripples]

The easy answer is that we don't choose who we fall in love with but sometimes I think it's because we want someone a bit unobtainable or that on some level we enjoy the "naughtiness" of sneaking around. I'm not saying that's true for you but I know it is for some.

 

That's possibly true for many, although I think there are probably many reasons. I'm sure some women genuinely like having a man who isn't in their lives 100%, they enjoy their independance. Other's may, subconsciously, feel they are not good enough to have a 'proper' relationship, and yet others may just not have come into contact with enough single guys... Also, I think there is a certain satisfaction some women have in taking another woman's man off him. It's a huge ego boost to feel that a man prefers having sex with you over his wife.

 

On that note, I don't doubt there are many men whose wives are not putting out for them and so they seek gratification elsewhere. However, what seems to be forgotten are the wife's needs and (in my experience) the neglection of these needs is often at the root of the lack of sex within a marriage. Soooo... if the man leaves the marriage and marries the OW, the OW becomes the wife with the same needs of the first one... and the cycle continues.

 

One other thing I have noticed with two male friends I have who have both had affairs, is that they both have protested their desire for their wives, how much they love and find their wives attractive, how much they wish their wives would have more sex with them. Having an affair was a last resort. Neither of them have had any intention of divorcing, they have merely felt that the extra-marital sex was to 'tide them over'. One is now in counselling with his wife and it seems to be working. The other... well, he's still sleeping with two other women. Oh and btw, these OW don't know about each other.

 

Think very carefully about your situation, captiness.

[captiness]

Soooo... if the man leaves the marriage and marries the OW, the OW becomes the wife with the same needs of the first one... and the cycle continues.

 

A very valid point!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Typical cakeman, it sounds like.

 

The W can threaten the MM all she wants about preventing him from ever seeing his child again, but by law she can't do that. In the event of divorce, there would be custody and visitation granted to him. I'm sure your MM is well aware of this and would have researched it if he truly felt threatened by it, but would simply rather stay married and using the kid(s) is probably one of the top excuses a MM will give in order to keep the OW in her place and stop her from demanding that he divorce. An OW would be heartless to rip the MM from his children, right? He's counting on that, pretty much.

 

Besides, doesn't that make you feel so horrible for him, that poor noble MM is sacrificing his happiness so that he can continue to be a good father? It keeps you around a lot longer than if he were to be truthful and say "I love my wife, and I will never leave her but I intend to keep you on the side for as long as you are convenient and fulfill my needs."

 

And... have they had sex? Maybe, maybe not. Since he has already said that he loves her, I find it very hard to believe that he doesn't have sex with her. If she suspects, then don't you think him holding out on the sex would damn him that much further? If nothing else, he'd have to do it to 'keep up appearances', in addition to simply wanting to have sex with her.

 

The point is, is that you'll never know, and taking the word of a person who is a capable liar and cheat is never a smart thing to do.

 

Why do women go after married men and ignore the obvious moral, societal, emotional and practical negatives? Because they have the notion that "love conquers all", and they see the marriage as nothing more than an unwelcome obstacle that can be overcome with time, patience and love. What they don't count on, is that the cakeman type MM/MW like yours doesn't see the marriage as an obstacle, they see it as an anchor that needs to be carefully worked around rather than obliterated altogether. They'll give you the impression that they are trapped and unhappy, but that's mainly just to make sure you keep giving them what they need. It makes you sympathetic to them, it makes you more willing to 'fight' for them, and it keeps them in an endless supply of sex and companionship.

 

Always remember the 'extra' part when it comes to the cakeman. The marriage is the meal. You are the side dish with the roll on it that sits next to the plate. He can enjoy his meal more with a roll, but he'll never be able to make a meal out of just a roll, nor would he ever want to.

 

That said, his emotions for you are no doubt real but don't confuse his emotions for you as having an impact on whether he stays married or not. Its two entirely different things for him. He needs you, but he needs his wife and child, too. He isn't likely to want to get rid of either of you, so unless his wife forcibly kicks him out don't count on him leaving on his own.

[ms.b.haven]

keep in mind throughout this cycle this dude is getting older and older and eh, suffice it to say a MM isn't exactly like a fine bottle of wine.

 

I had it out with my MM yesterday evening and as annoying as it is i'm ignoring him today

Soooo... if the man leaves the marriage and marries the OW, the OW becomes the wife with the same needs of the first one... and the cycle continues.

 

A very valid point!

[Lizzie60]

The wife has suspected that mm is having an affair and has claimed that if he did ever leave her mm would not see their child, and i know that this is one of the reasons that he will never leave her.

 

She can't do that... he is using this as a 'reason' not to leave her. He's lying to you.

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible?

 

I don't think so... He's again lying to you.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

Who's the oldest, him or you?

[captiness]

He is older then me

[norajane]

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

He says he loves his wife, so it's wise of you to question what he tells you about them not having sex for 3 years. It sounds unlikely to me. You might also want to question whether she really suspects he might be having an affair, and whether she even said anything at all about not letting him see their child...she may not have a clue what he's doing and he's just telling you what he thinks you would believe in order to stay with him. Since you can't verify any of these things without talking to his wife, all you have to go on is his word, and you know how much his word is worth when it comes to his marriage.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

He's not planning to leave, and he's not likely to leave, so this is probably not an issue. But yes, you very likely would have some issues if he left, and not just because of age, but because of his trustworthiness. Can you trust he wouldn't betray you? Do you really want to tie yourself to a man that much older, who has already been through so much in life that you have yet to experience?

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

Many reasons, but it sounds like you didn't step back from him when you found out he was married, and then walked into it thinking you'd be immune to emotions and it would be just sex. There are many OW who have fallen into that trap and then end up falling in love. The best way to not fall in love with a MM, is to avoid anything but a casual friendship or work relationship. Thinking that you can just eat one potato chip gets a lot of OW in trouble.

 

I know I used to fall for men that were unavailable, mostly because I wasn't ready to open up to anyone completely. MM is the ultimate in unavailable.

[Frances]

He is older then me

 

17 years is a big gap.

 

He sounds like every other mm who is cheating on his W. He is lying to you big time. He lies to his wife why would he not lie to you. He does not love you, he only loves himself. If he loved you he would not make you the roll on the side.

 

Do you ever think that you are enabling him to cheat? Do you never feel guilty?

 

What comes around goes around and when you are older and in a marriage you might find that your h will cheat with someone 17 years younger than you, how do you think you would feel about that?

[whichwayisup]

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

Do you believe that's possible? I mean, they have a child together, they sleep in the same bed, they are married. If you even consider believing him, you're fooling yourself.

He isn't going to tell you the truth "yeah, I have sex with my wife alot" because then your affair with him will have drama in it, which he probably doesn't want to deal with - He wants two women in his life because he is SELFISH!

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

Go read more posts in this section...You'll see how similar your situation is to others.

 

Why would he want to leave his wife when he has TWO women meeting all his needs? A wife, mother of his child at home - He has his family, friends, his house, neighbours, work buddies, etc.

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

 

Because you're letting your heart and emotions rule over your mind, when you know better. You're settling for less than you deserve. Hopefully one day you'll realize you deserve MORE and break up with the MM so you can find a single guy who can offer you so much more. He isn't going to leave his wife for you. EVEN if he did, how could you trust him?? I mean, this man said VOWS to his wife infront of family and friends!! He created a child with his wife, and even THAT wasn't enough to keep him faithful! MY GOD, think about it - HE was with YOU while she was pregnant with their baby! That's just disguisting and so disrespectful...Imagine if you were his wife and he did that to you while you were carrying his child.

 

Maybe it's time you take a step back and realize that you're enabling him to continue cheating on his wife, and betray his whole family...Yes, he is betraying his own child...

[Jinxx]

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

 

Yes, the no sex thing is possible. He does probably get the occasional pitty F*ck though.

 

Do you want to have children one day? 17 years is a big age gap and I'm not saying that it couldn't work between you too but I'm willing to bet your MM is done with the kid thing.

 

Also, the wife cannot legally take his children away from him. She can do the PAS thing but that is an excuse.

[captiness]

Do you ever think that you are enabling him to cheat? Do you never feel guilty?

 

Yes i think that not only myself but possibly ever OW involved with a married man enables him to cheat. I don't do things that would mean his wife would find out, like calling him on his phone when i know he is at home etc. And yes i do feel guilty about what i am doing, i never claimed to be satisfied with myself.

 

What comes around goes around and when you are older and in a marriage you might find that your h will cheat with someone 17 years younger than you, how do you think you would feel about that?

 

I have also thought about this and if it does happen to me then i can't claim that i didnt deserve it.

[Ripples]

.

 

What comes around goes around and when you are older and in a marriage you might find that your h will cheat with someone 17 years younger than you, how do you think you would feel about that?

 

I have also thought about this and if it does happen to me then i can't claim that i didnt deserve it.

 

Oh no, that's so not right. You don't deserve to be cheated on, just as any woman/man doesn't deserve to be cheated on, no matter what they've done in the past.

 

Really, think about the implications and repercussions of what you're doing for you. Yes, it would be nice to think that every potential OW should consider the wife, but that's not realistic for many reasons. Anyway, the most important person for you is you. And that's how it should be.

 

Would getting involved with a mm do you any good? Would it really enhance your life? Hmm?

[captiness]

No getting involved with a mm does not do anyone any good, but unfortunately you can only can say that after you have been involved with a mm! But i suppose thats life hey!

[TogetherForever]

Well for me it worked out for the good. Sometimes there is good that comes out of this kind of situation.

I guess it depends on what both parties want out of the relationship:confused:.

[captiness]

How did it work out for the good?

[Impudent Oyster]

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

 

Maybe I missed something but is MM divorced? Separated? If not, don't you think it's a bit premature to concern yourself about a future together?

 

It most likely never will happen, don't worry about it.

[Seen_It_All]

The wife has suspected that mm is having an affair and has claimed that if he did ever leave her mm would not see their child, and i know that this is one of the reasons that he will never leave her.

Yawn. Typical bullsh*t excuse to stay EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS TO STAY - at home. If you're living in the US, there are LAWS regarding custody of children of the marriage - regardless of the reasons as to why the marriage was broken. Unless it's proven that he's abusive, a junkie or alcoholic, or a child molester, we all KNOW she can't keep him from seeing his own kids - and HE knows it as well. But he's got YOU believing the bullsh*t story, so it's all good - right?

 

Hey, since he IS so miserable and could have a happily ever after with you, has he actually gotten off his lazy, COMPLACENT a*ss and gone to a lawyer to inquire about his rights with regard to his children? I'd be willing to bet he hasn't. It's much easier - and requires absolutely NO effort or expense - to tell you how his evil wife is blackmailing him about those oh-so-precious kids of his. You know, the same kids whose family security and comfort he's JEAPORDIZING every single day by sneaking around on his wife. Yeah, give THIS guy a Father of the Year award for 'putting his kids first.'

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible?

Seriously? Well let's see, he's already a proven cheater and liar - and liar to you as well. Would it really be such a stretch that he's lying about having sex with his wife, too? I'd bet my house on it.

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

Sheer and utter stupidity? A desire to torture oneself? Perhaps as punishment for past or present sins we've committed? There's no GOOD reason so it has to be one of the latter.

[frannie]

Having never posted on one of these froums before and only reading what other people have said i thought that it would be nice to get some advice from some other people about what is going on in my life, as some or all of you may know when involved with a mm, secrecy about the relationship is often a factor!

 

When things first started between me and mm i knew that he was married, had been for 13 years, and that his wife was pregnant. I am not proud of the fact that things started while she was pregnant but at the time we both decided that it was only sex and nothing more. Then 2 months later, a month before the baby was born, mm sent me a letter in which he said how much he was in love with me and how he was confused because he still loved his wife aswell! I must admit that i had strong feelings for him too. Things continued between us and i have been seeing mm for over two years now, and am deeply in love with him. The wife has suspected that mm is having an affair and has claimed that if he did ever leave her mm would not see their child, and i know that this is one of the reasons that he will never leave her.

I know some of you might question how a woman can love a man who is already married and i can't honestly give an answer that can explain it.

I just have a few questions really:

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

 

Hope you can help

 

My initial question: what prompted his 'I love you!' email about his feelings at that time..? Anything from you..? But apart from that, men are often flailing around when their wives give birth. But ... I'm going to ignore all that and on to your main questions...

 

Do I think it's possible they've not had sex since the baby was born? I think it's possible, but my gut feeling is that your MM is one who says things that he thinks you might like to hear because you ask... that's not to say it's true, but it's just how I feel on reading your story.

 

Is a 17 year age gap a bar to a relationship..? No it's not, not even close. But why even think of that..? Has he made any moves to leave, has he left..? no. So who cares. Is a 17 year age gap a bar to a decent affair..? No. And that is what you have.

 

Why did you do it to yourself..? Most probably either lies on his part or a reluctance to commit on your part, or probably a combination of the two.

 

Anyway, hello and welcome to the forum.

[outofdarkness]

Having never posted on one of these froums before and only reading what other people have said i thought that it would be nice to get some advice from some other people about what is going on in my life, as some or all of you may know when involved with a mm, secrecy about the relationship is often a factor!

 

When things first started between me and mm i knew that he was married, had been for 13 years, and that his wife was pregnant. I am not proud of the fact that things started while she was pregnant but at the time we both decided that it was only sex and nothing more. Then 2 months later, a month before the baby was born, mm sent me a letter in which he said how much he was in love with me and how he was confused because he still loved his wife aswell! I must admit that i had strong feelings for him too. Things continued between us and i have been seeing mm for over two years now, and am deeply in love with him. The wife has suspected that mm is having an affair and has claimed that if he did ever leave her mm would not see their child, and i know that this is one of the reasons that he will never leave her.

I know some of you might question how a woman can love a man who is already married and i can't honestly give an answer that can explain it.

I just have a few questions really:

 

MM claims that he and his wife have not had sex since their baby was concieved, almost three years, do you think this is possible? I know that trust is an important factor in a relationship, and i do trust him, its just that its hard to fully trust someone when you know how capable they are of lying.

 

There is an age gap between me and mm of 17 years, do you think that this would make it harder for things to work if he ever did leave?

 

And why do we do it to ourselves, fall in love with men who are already married?

 

Hope you can help

Yes, it's possible. MY CH and I did not have sex for almost 2 years..He blamed it on the antidepressant he was taking and his Dr. supported him...So, yes, it's possible...

[justice]

It won't be fun anymore when your husband or his wife finds out. Naughtiness can really hurt all parties involved, please think about this seriously. Someone's gonna get hurt. LSU fans too.

[justagirliegirl]

Yawn. Typical bullsh*t excuse to stay EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS TO STAY - at home. If you're living in the US, there are LAWS regarding custody of children of the marriage - regardless of the reasons as to why the marriage was broken. Unless it's proven that he's abusive, a junkie or alcoholic, or a child molester, we all KNOW she can't keep him from seeing his own kids - and HE knows it as well. But he's got YOU believing the bullsh*t story, so it's all good - right?

 

Hey, since he IS so miserable and could have a happily ever after with you, has he actually gotten off his lazy, COMPLACENT a*ss and gone to a lawyer to inquire about his rights with regard to his children? I'd be willing to bet he hasn't. It's much easier - and requires absolutely NO effort or expense - to tell you how his evil wife is blackmailing him about those oh-so-precious kids of his. You know, the same kids whose family security and comfort he's JEAPORDIZING every single day by sneaking around on his wife. Yeah, give THIS guy a Father of the Year award for 'putting his kids first.'

 

Seriously? Well let's see, he's already a proven cheater and liar - and liar to you as well. Would it really be such a stretch that he's lying about having sex with his wife, too? I'd bet my house on it.

 

Sheer and utter stupidity? A desire to torture oneself? Perhaps as punishment for past or present sins we've committed? There's no GOOD reason so it has to be one of the latter.

 

I really like your posts!