allburnedout Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Not looking for sympathy here. I'm fully aware that every bit of what I'm feeling now I've brought totally on myself but I do need to get some of this out. I've been married 10 years to a nice man. I love him in lots of ways but there's lots of things missing as well. I tried to break off our engagement way back when but was so upset by all the hurt it caused everyone that I stupidly allowed myself to get talked back into it. No excuse but I was pretty young at the time and naiively thought everything would be fine. We've been happy and things have been okay but for me, no matter how much we've talked and tried, there are so many feelings missing. Sex hasn't meant much to me and I've never done the whole l"ighting up when he walks in a room" thing but we've had good times and we get on great. I guess I thought all the other stuff was just for the movies. I met a guy through work about 2 years ago who was just a really fun person and turned into a friend. After a while I realised that I felt a lot more for him than just friendship and basically things happened. There's been a lot of guilt on his part because he is a genuine guy who really doesn't like cheating. I hate that part of what I've done the most. For the past year we've been seeing a bit of each other and he's always had me very much at arms length. In all this time I've been trying to find a way of leaving my marriage but I'm so scared of everyone being upset that I've never quite managed it. About 6 months ago I told my husband I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay. I think it took me so long to work up to actually saying it that I didn't have any fight left by this point and stayed. He now thinks we're working on things and I'm really not proud of that. It's like I know what I should do but just can't find the guts to do it. Anyway, last night my OM said it had to stop. He doesn't like what he's doing and it's making him unhappy. He's asked me not to contact him for a bit and see if we can just be friends. I didn't think this would upset me so much but it has. Even though I always thought we'd never been that serious - no promises or even talking about how we feel about each other - I feel like my heart is breaking. I've just deleted phone numbers, photos and binned memos etc. and I know this is something I haven't got a choioce with but it just really hurts. I can't stop crying. I know this is hurting him too and he's just being the better person about it but it just hurts. I know this will get flamed and I'm not after sympathy, just an ear. Thanks.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Your OM has done the very best thing for you both. It hurts, but think of it like this: your relationship with OM was like a cancer to both of you - it felt good at the time, but it was killing you both and infecting those around you. The NC is like the painful burning chemo which will with time, diminsh the cancer and eventually obliterate it. Healing doesn't always feel good. I can tell you this - do not be "friends" - its like removing all but a tiny part of a cancerous tumor. All that being 'friends' does is give you a painful reminder of what you can never have, and just like a cancer it will spread throughout you again the longer you keep it up. Just walk away. No 'friends'. Now is not the time to work on your marriage either. As long as you are pining for another man, any attempt at marriage rebuilding will be at best a joke. Give yourself some time to work this man out of your system a bit. It doesn't seem possible, but with time and NC (and I mean NC in the strictest sense) you will find yourself ready to move on and pick up the pieces. Then when your head is a bit more clear, you will be able to decide then whether your marriage is worth trying to save.
Author allburnedout Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 This is exactly what I need to hear. I know you're right and the cancer analogy is spot on. It hurts more than I believed it could but at the end of the day you're right we're never going to be friends. I guess it's just a nice thought right now that maybe that could happen some day. I'm going to get my sh*t together, make proper decisions and stop being so wet so thank you LB.
hardknocks Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Yea - I don't know if I would consider the cancer anaology 'spot on', if what you stated in your first post is true. If you have been having second thoughts about your marriage since BEFORE day one and feel you got married just because you wanted to please others and not hurt your husbands feelings.. well then, I don't think you can blame the relationship for the problems - and certainly not the OM that kept you at arms length and had the strength to break it off. The problem is in you. My suggestion, is simply that maybe it is time for you to really do some soul searching and take a good look in the mirror at you. Enlist a qualified therapist for sure. Sometimes it makes sense to stay married. Sometimes it does not make sense to stay married. Only you can answer that question. And perhaps, after 10 years, you are ready to move out of your own personal limbo. But certainly, that step would come first. And don't cheat while your doing it.. that is a pandoras box that you do not want to open.
Jinxx Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 About 6 months ago I told my husband I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay. I think it took me so long to work up to actually saying it that I didn't have any fight left by this point and stayed. He now thinks we're working on things and I'm really not proud of that. It's like I know what I should do but just can't find the guts to do it. By stating this it does sound you are good and ready to leave your marriage and need to find the guts to do it. Do you see a future with OM? Why not give yourself a chance to be happy if both you and OM feel the same about one another.
justice Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Leave the married man alone and decide what's best for you and yourself. If he says he wants you to leave him alone, it is for the best that you do leave him alone, or you may make a mistake that you will regret. Anything you do now since he's requested no contact can backlash especially if you do try to contact him. He is into working on his marriage now, leave him be to heal it or to break it, it's up to him. Is the wife suspicious at all? How's that working out? If you get busted at this point everything will be laid in your lap and you'll be thrown under the bus, not only by MM but also by his wife. You really need to think about what you are doing. It is WRONG by all counts.
Author allburnedout Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 Sorry Justice - you misunderstand me Leave the married man alone and decide what's best for you and yourself. My OM isn't married or in a relationship. It's just me that's married. If he says he wants you to leave him alone, it is for the best that you do leave him alone, or you may make a mistake that you will regret. Anything you do now since he's requested no contact can backlash especially if you do try to contact him. You're right on this though. There's not been any contact since Wednesday morning which is tricky as we work together and I don't intend to break this NC, hard as it is. You really need to think about what you are doing. It is WRONG by all counts. Right again. I know it's wrong and what I'm doing to my husband is horrible. I've not been raised to treat anyone like this and although I'm hurting like mad about OM initiating NC and missing him in my life, I also know he's right and I need to get myself together and sort out the mess I'm making of other people's lives.
justice Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 Sorry Justice - you misunderstand me My OM isn't married or in a relationship. It's just me that's married. You're right on this though. There's not been any contact since Wednesday morning which is tricky as we work together and I don't intend to break this NC, hard as it is. Right again. I know it's wrong and what I'm doing to my husband is horrible. I've not been raised to treat anyone like this and although I'm hurting like mad about OM initiating NC and missing him in my life, I also know he's right and I need to get myself together and sort out the mess I'm making of other people's lives. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I mistakenly thought he also was married. I can't tell you any of this will get any easier or less painful, but in time it will dull somewhat for you. But I can tell you that you are doing the right thing by not contacting him and trying to work on your own issues. You will be a better and stronger person for it. Best of luck to you, keep us posted.
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