Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Understanding my wife's motivations for starting arguments and discord may be important for me to negotiate issues of concern to me. One motivation that seems to be important to my wife is that she likes the living room neat so she can invite people over, without wondering if the living room is neat. I try to keep my stuff picked up in the living room, if it is not at a time where I know she won't show up. I will try to think of other motivations. My wife is concerned about what the neighbors think of our front yard tree. My wife is concerned about the car she drives, being respectul andhaving a lot of room for grandkids and junk.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Your wife needs to stop worrying what other people think and should try to be more concerned about what YOU think and feel. I know from reading your previous posts, she's not into therapy or going to marriage counselling...Hate to tell ya this but alot of this is HER problem and she has to learn how to do the changes within so her life, as well as your marriage, can get better. Good luck AG.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Dear Which Way is Up, Thanks for your reponse and ideas. My wife is motivated to be nurturing and motherly. My wife is willing to take some effort to fix me food to eat. My wife is very defensive about criticizing either our son, daughter or grandchildren. My wife is motivated to suport our son to finish his college degree, but she is afraid to ask him for a transcript of his college grades. My son is apparently complaining that he was unable to sufficiently concentrate on college because I paid for his room to move out of the house. In addition I pay hi car note and insurance. My wife pays his Life and Health Insurance. My wife is motivated to be nurturing to our son, and overlook the fact that his grades were dropping before he moved out. It is natural for youngsters to blame their parents for an failures that might occur. I have asked my wife for a plan for our son to better establish respect for me, as I sense that my son is avoiding discussing his ides of blaming me, with me. So one suggestion I had for my wife was to ask our son to look at his college grade transcripts. Not to make a big fuss about it, just that when my son starts playing the violin for my wife, that she has something to say that will bring him more into reality. "That is a shame that Dad has caused these problems. Maybe if I had a copy of your college grade trasnscipt I could show your dad how wrong he was." I think it is an important stage for my son to bleme me for things and not want to talk to me. But I want my wife to be in the mode of not joining him in his disrspectful bolognia. I planted some grass seed in a couple bare spots in the front yard, today, so my wife seemed somewhat pleased. Ties into her being interested in pleasing the neighbors. My wife is also motivated to please her church memberr friends, and find ways to make me appear wrong, in comparison to how her friends believe I should think.
Curmudgeon Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 ...what are YOU getting out of this relationship? Starting arguments and discord were the precursors to the ex leaving me after 25 years. Of course, she found a boyfriend first! The tirades were staged to make me look bad in from of our children and she also hoped I'd react physically to her attacks so she would have the perfectly contrived reason to leave. I never took the bait. However, it didn't stop her from portraying me as an abuser to her family and all our friends. In the end, she finally left then hit me with a trumped-up domestic violence restraining order which I subsequently had the court rescind. So tell me again why you're putting up with this?
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 2, 2007 Author Posted June 2, 2007 Dear Crumudgeon, Thanks for your reponse. My feelings in some ways must be similar to the feelings you felt in the challenges from your wife. Disillusionment and disappointment. Thanks for your concise sharing. I keep thinking that there are just a few things that I am doing wrong, that if I find and change those approaches, that my marriage will be more workable. There are moments of joy and passion. I live for the good times. Currently I am thinking of ways to understand my wife's motivations, and see if there are avenues to more effectively tie my deires, to her goals. My wife loses sight of some objectives at various times. She will focus in on defending our son from my ciritcism. The better, larger goal, is that we both want our son to be successful and responsible, is temoporarily set aside. So nurturing a son by accepting cop-out excuses, instead of asking him to step up to the plate, is nurturing, but is not good coaching for success. Also, my wife's nurturing our son by accepting cop-out excuses, is creating a dynamic with our son, that affirms my son's unjustly blaming me, for his decreased effort to graduate from college. My wife's nurtring in condoning unjust blaming of me, creates a problem between my son and myself. As you point out, wives sometimes play to the children to get sympathy against Dad. During the period of time when my son's interst in graduating was ebbing, I had contacted him reasonably often, and offered support, both financially and whatever, and was declined. So I don't actually feel guilty. Often, in the past, my wife would take a critical approach to me, which was disempowering to me, in trying to provide nurturing to our son. So this is not new. In the past, I have been able to give time and reason a chance to work, and things have seemed to work out toward improvement. Staying with my wife, may not be the best choice. There is a balance between the amount of disrespect from my children that is generated by my wife, balanced against how much respect I gain by staying with her. I may be doing the children and granchildren a service by leaving my wife. My positive coaching might have a more helpful impact. But I also feel that I understand how to please my wife, sufficiently to have some aspects of pleasure with her. So for tonight, I plan to go home, and listen to my wife explain how wrong I am, and how everything is all my fault, which will hopefully lead her to the truth of the matter, as she listens to her own explanations.
Curmudgeon Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 Also, my wife's nurturing our son by accepting cop-out excuses, is creating a dynamic with our son, that affirms my son's unjustly blaming me, for his decreased effort to graduate from college. My wife's nurtring in condoning unjust blaming of me, creates a problem between my son and myself. Staying with my wife, may not be the best choice. There is a balance between the amount of disrespect from my children that is generated by my wife, balanced against how much respect I gain by staying with her. I may be doing the children and granchildren a service by leaving my wife. My positive coaching might have a more helpful impact. Is she really nurturing, Aquarius, or is she enabling irresponsible behavior and lack of accountability? Staying with your wife may, in fact, be the best choice in the end but I think it's going to take marriage counseling to get there.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 3, 2007 Author Posted June 3, 2007 Dear Crumdgeon, Good topic to bring up. Enabling. My wife is opposed to marriage counseling, so I just try to work on being better myself. Thanks
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 3, 2007 Author Posted June 3, 2007 Update: I again asked my wife for her plan. I did not defend my plan, or my assessments. I did not argue with her. I just said, Tell me more why dyou don't like my plan,and tell me your plan." My wife mostly mutterred around. It will take a few more days or weeks to get worked ou. Another motivation may be for my wife winning an argument. Once my wife has stated a position on an issue, often disempowering one of my suggestions, my wife threatens and undercuts me with the aparent motivation of winning the argument. My wife uses tactics in arguing that undercut the basic princples of the marriage. So to de-energize then arguingprocess, I first admit that she may have a better way to handle a situation. So I try to make the discussion more about getting results, rather than whose idea is going to be implimented. Last night I could have emphasized our common goals more frequently. "We both want our College Drop Out son to be successful and responsible."
Topper Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Many books on marriage seem to focus on what the woman needs and what her goals are in the marriage. That's understandable since it is primarily woman who buy this type of book. Very few seem to stress what woman do wrong or how they sabotage a marriage. I have been reading a little on phases in a long term relationship that many woman go thru. The Book was on why wives become unfaithful. Of course not all woman will be unfaithful. Just as not all men will. Yet from reading I did see some pattern in my marriage that rang true. From what curmudgeon has said of his 1st marriage, it might also be true in his case as well. there isa point in the marriage where she starts to criticize, behaviours. At some point she is thinking without expressing it. that she has settled for you. She is not happy that she did settle. She also thinks that she could do better. resentment and her frustration builds. The more the builds the more she will take it out on you her husband. In this phase you the husband can't do anything right. You work to much, You don't earn enough. You are lazy or spend to much time at work. You are messy, or you are to much of a neat freak and make her life to hard. You are to tight with money or you are to much of spend thrift. She will find something to focus on and no matter what that thing or those things are that is her focus. The husband is the bad guy and he can not win. She will lose interest in sex with her husband. she will pass this off as a lack of interest in sex. The truth is it is a lack of interest in sex with the husband. She still wants sex just not with you. The Name of the book is Woman's Infidelity. like most of these books you have to read with a degree of sceptisim. take what you canrom it and see if it fits. I am still reading up on this topic. I have a lot to learn. It has been an eye opener for me.
princssangl0204 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 It sounds like you to are in a battle for power in the relationship..... your wife does it by becoming defensive and going to talk to the girls about you and you are posting here in a passive aggressive manor to validate yourself and invalidated your wife. Personally I think your both in the wrong........ you need to stop trying to be right and start trying to negotiate.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Dear Topper, Thanks for the reference to the book. Sounds pretty close to what I am expereincing. I have started keeping a log of my wife's outbursts. It appears that my wife is intersted in keeping me off-balance, by fabricating a bunch of accusations or demands, which are difficult to handle. Perhaps her strategy is to keep me so busy with her barrages, that I will not have any time to notice how bad she is. I will need more time to do your post more justice. Thanks again.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Dear Princss Angl 0204, Thank your for your post. You are probably correct that I express my frustration in Forums, to blow off steam. Vent. My intent is to better formulate positive requests, that can lead to a better relationship. Also to change some of my approaches or behaviors, to better express the Love I have for my wife. You are correct that I enjoy being right. But I am trying to get beyond making my wife wrong. I am trying to find easy fixes so we can meet each other's needs. Thanks for your point of view.
princssangl0204 Posted June 18, 2007 Posted June 18, 2007 Dear Princss Angl 0204, Thank your for your post. You are probably correct that I express my frustration in Forums, to blow off steam. Vent. My intent is to better formulate positive requests, that can lead to a better relationship. Also to change some of my approaches or behaviors, to better express the Love I have for my wife. You are correct that I enjoy being right. But I am trying to get beyond making my wife wrong. I am trying to find easy fixes so we can meet each other's needs. Thanks for your point of view. Your welcome I have started keeping a log of my wife's outbursts. exactly what does this accomplish?? it just seems like another way to prove your rightness weather you used it for yourself or use it to throw it back in her face To be honest it seems kind of pointless. I get aggravated with my dh sometimes on a daily basis but is usually minor and not worth mentioning like always leaving a glass of something on his computer desk and the kids find it in the morning before I do and have it thrown everywhere and I am sure there are plenty of things I do that irritate him as well. if you seem to be squabbling over little issues constantly and they turn into big blow outs I would venter to say there there is some other underlying issue that the two of you haven't addressed properly and it comes out in big fights over small things.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Dear Princss Angl 0204, I try to avoid criticizing my wife at the time my criticism comes to mind. mariagebuilders: lovebusters loveandrespect: Crazy cycle or De-Energizing cycle The purpose of keeping a log, is to not forget the outbursts, but to look for a pattern, so I can address the underlying problem. Maybe your raising your voice to your husband critcally has no adverse impact on your marriage. For me, my wife's criticism hurts. Just sweeping it under the rug, and pretend that my hurt does not exist, may not be the most productive option. I have posted complaints and vents about my wife. But I try to not overly criticize my wife on a forum. In my journal, I can freely write what I think. It may be that negotiation with my wife is the best approach, and that my efforts to understand her, are less important than efforts I could make to improve my negotiating or bargaining position. Doing more for her, so she would have more to miss, for instance. Blessings .
Recommended Posts