Aquarius Guy Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I have been studying the Love and Respect ideas. Women need Love and Men need Respect I have been narrowing my complaints about my wife, so that I can be realistic in my expectations. A man's legitimate needs, according to Eggerichs CHAIRS Conquest, (Job Hobbies) Hierarchy, (Who is more or less important) Authority, (Control over certain aspects) Insight (Respect for evaluations on issues) Relationship ( Wife to accompany Husband sometimes) Sexuality (Accomodatons for Prostate Discharge) I would like my wife to talk to me before throwing any of my stuff away. I have storage space. I would like my wife to avoid contradicting my beliefs, unnecessarily. I would like my wife to yeild control over certain drawers in our home, to me, for my stuff. And the worspace in the Utility Room. I would like my wife to respect the work that I do. I would like my wife to acknowledge that certain things take time, and that my taking care of the Bills and taxes, should be appreciated. I dson't want my daughter to really take my side on issue of territorial differences between my wife and I, but rather to simply encouarge respect for me, and for my wife to work things out with me more directly. I have offfered to go to lunch with my wife, and we have not gone to lunch for a few weeks. Maybe a phrase, Mom mentions some possible area of marital disagreement, Daughter, "Well have you gotten your schedule together with Dad, so you can discuss that at lunch sometime?" Mom mentions some disrespect about Dad's job or hobbies, Daughter, "Well you are counting on Dad for your old age, so it seems you should try to respect what he does for a living and his retirement." Mom mentions some aspect of how she feels Dad is selfish, Daughter, "Well maybe you could discuss with Dad how you feel that you could better arrange how you divide up who is in charge of which aspects. Mom mentions ideas that contrdict Dads beliefs and ideas on Religion or Politics. Daughter, "Do you see that criticizing Dad's ideas disempowers his Ego to believe that he is right? .
Frances Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 How old is your daughter? I suggest you read and then reread what you have written.
corazoncito Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Women need Love and Men need Respect Actually, women and men each need both. I dson't want my daughter to really take my side on issue of territorial differences between my wife and I, but rather to simply encouarge respect for me, and for my wife to work things out with me more directly. Well, perhaps as the family's husband/father, you could lead by example. Communicate your thoughts to your wife directly in a calm and respectful manner (as you indicate wish she would do with you). This would not require your daughter to have to put herself in the middle. You would also be demonstrating to your daughter an example of a healthy, mature relationship that is marked with respect. If direct communication is a problem between you and your wife, you'd be better off seeking the help of a professional couples counselor rather than relying on your daughter. How old is she anyway?
corazoncito Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I read through the OP again and I think I understand the problem better. So, the mom makes indirect jabs at the dad through the daughter. Now the father wants to join in and start giving it back to her, again, through the daughter. Fight fire with fire? Please don't start down that path. Talk to your wife directly or go to a counselor. But leave your poor daughter out of your sniping at each other. It doesn't matter if your wife started it. You end it. Be the more mature person. Your daughter is a person, not a tool.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Dear Frances, Daughter is over 21, married, 2 kids.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Dear Corazoncito, In the Love and Respect concept, Wives desire Love from their husbands. Wives are entitel to the following aspects of Love: COUPLE Closeness Openess Understanding Peacemaking Loyalty Esteem. You seem to feel comfortable with counseling. What goals of counseling might you recommend? You are probably correct that my wife does backstab me. But I am not asking my daughter to stab my wife back, or trying to stab my wife back myself. I am interested in counseling my daughter in coaching my wife when she does some backstabbing, to find a constructive response. How would you re-phrase my suggested coaching comments? .
justagirliegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I would leave the daughter out of it. Are you and your wife in any type of therapy?
Author Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Dear Corazoncito, Are ther any Spanish-English Forums? Mexico Foro used to have an English section, but it seems to be gone. I like to think and write in both spanish and English.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Dear Just A Girlie Girl, Thans for your response. I read soem books, I have a coach I use on the phone. I have some self-improvement DVD's I am reading a book, How to Make Peace with Anyone by Lieberman. Seems ot have some good coping skills. I am trying to improve myself. My wife is opposed to any self-improvement or counseling. But my wife and I are still talking and living together, so I just do the best I can. Did you want to share your relationship or counseling experiences?
justagirliegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I've found it quite helpful. Would your wife be interested in marriage counseling with you?
Sheba Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I disagree strongly with your idea, AquariusGuy. First of all, your wife should still be coaching your daughter, despite that your daughter is an adult. Your wife is her mother, and should be someone your daughter learns from, as opposed to teaching. Further, your daughter should not be placed between you and your wife. It is unfair to ask her to counsel her mother. She should not be reprimanding her mother, even gently. It would be fair and very appropriate for your daughter to ask her mother to stop saying bad things about you, however. I am sure your daughter would rather not hear these things. Your wife should not be complaining about you to your daughter, but should air her complaints about you to you. If there is "coaching" to be done in order to improve the marriage, I think each adult should coach themselves or engage a professional to coach them both. I think that you should find a marital accord concept that BOTH you and your wife accept and agree to work towards. I don't know that I agree with Eggerichs, but your real problem would be if you are working on the basis of this person's theory and your wife disagreed. Your efforts might be worse than pointless. There are many theories of how to achieve marriage harmony. Some posters here refer to the Marriage Builders site. I think you need to work with your wife to find a theory you both believe in and commit to. My husband and I are attending counselling. The therapist has an unusual style (she lectures gently) and some odd theories, however she is very credible and insightful, and both of us have confidence in her. I feel hopeful that she can help us. We have been to 2 other therapists, but my husband did not respect the approach of either one so it was wasted time and money. Going to this new therapist is not a waste of time or money. We are learning things about ourselves and each other and we are trying to accept her guidance. Good luck.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Dear Just a Girlie Girl, My wife is opposed to counseling by herself, or with me. She has watched some of the Love and Respect Marriage Conference DVD's with me. My daughter used to bad mouth me to her mother in her teenage years. Recently, I have been helping my daughter with some needed repairs. So ther is an opportunity for a role reversal. I am just trying to think things through, in this thread, to avoid the obvious temptation to go overboard. Glad to hear things are working well for you.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Dear Sheba, You may be correct that involving my daughter is a bad idea. That is why I started this thread, so I can think things out, and plan. What I want to ask for is to limit to a few central values.
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