I want out.....

[Reality6001]

Here’s my story….

 

I’m 37 and my H is 42. We’ve been married for 12 years, and have 2 boys. (one is from a prior relationship) I have been working on myself this last year, and at one point we were going to marriage counseling to work on our relationship. We did ok for awhile, but I have been slow slipping away from our relationship all together both physically and emotionally, and a few weeks ago it finally blew up for me. And now all I want is to be out…Here’s what happen.

 

We went to a party with our friends, and my H had started drinking early. I wanted to walk down to the festival stuff with some of my friends. But before I left I asked him to stay at the house, so nothing would happen. Well, as I was walking back up to the house, here comes my H and his drunken friend going down to the festival. I asked him to come back with me, he said no. I let him go. Well, about an hour later his friend came back to the house, and told me that my H had gotten arrested for pushing a police officer. While, I flipped out, and walked around the block several times. My friend found out, I could get him out of jail after 7 hrs. ****, 7hrs, he was going to be sitting there longer than that. I had to tell my boys what happened. They didn’t say anything, but I knew they were embarrassed. All of our friends were trying to make me feel better, but really all it did was make me madder. The next day I went and got him. He didn’t remember much about what happen. All I wanted to know was whether he remembered what I had said at the house. He said he did. Well, at that point, I was done talking. Because all that did for me is make it worse. Now, he’s a big boy, and can do what ever he wants, but I really think he did it because he wants to be num when it comes to our relationship and our problems.

Anyway, I started going to my therapist again to try and work thru my issues, but all it really made me realize is that I am done. So, this weekend we sent the boys camping, and we agreed to talk. He bought 3 bottles of wine. Which we drank, talked and had mercy sex.. I told him I think we should separate for awhile, and he just kept saying he’d do anything, as long as I’m happy then he’ll be happy. Life doesn’t work that way. I can’t help the feelings I have right now, and I know down deep inside if we stay together and in the same house, it will ruin what every chance we have a of being responsible parents to the boys.

 

 

Any advise or suggestion on how to deal at this point…..Thanks in advance……

[sumdude]

Does your husband have a consistant drinking problem?

[Reality6001]

No, but as the months of this last year have went on, he has started drinking more and more as soon as he gets home. And by doing this becomes nume to everything around him, me and the kids. I personally think he is drinking more because I can't give him what he is looking for, the phyiscal and emotional connections, and because of that, he's drinking more.

[sumdude]

Without knowing how things have come to this point for you I can't say much more. Why have you been slipping away?

[silentcharon]

If you are done, don't agree to a trial seperation- if you truly feel that you are completely done with him- it will only prolong his pain, when you know that you're just going to divorce him in the end regardless of what happens during the seperation. Divorce him now.

 

If you have *any* doubts, that little problem that's been bugging you, get it out on the table with your therapist. Get any wrinkles worked out before you decide on divorce- if you are open to the slightest to the idea of reconcilation, that he *might* change, or something might change that makes the relationship better. Go to MC if needed, it might come in handy should you decide to reconcile, or agree on a trial seperation where you are just "dating".

 

Meh, good luck...

[Yamaha]

From my experience when a women says she's done, she means it.

I guess the best thing is to try and remain civil to each other and raise your boys, together. They are the ones that will be hurt the most by the break up.

[Reality6001]

To answer your question, the first 7 years of our marriage I was a 'yes dear' wife, and did what ever I had to do to keep everyone else happy, from where we went ,what type of sex we, where we were going and what we were going to buy at the grocery store. Now, I know me being spineless all those years is not his fault. But, now I have learned to put my self first, I have found I do not enjoy many of the things we did together, and when I don't see him, I'm happier. All my resentment I feel has has set in, and the little things I went along with in the past, now make me extremely irritated.He has tried to change, and says he would do anything. I don't want him to do anything.Anyway.... Last year , when I told him how I was feeling, and to my surprise he asked if we could go to mc, so we went. It was helpful, and after a while my feeling changed a little, and we enjoyed a few months . But, everthing we worked on is not enough, and he still thinks if I can tell him what the little things are he will change, and I will be happy, and then he'll be happy,too.

The whole things is sad, shouldn't you enjoy being with your H?Shouldn't you want to have sex or get a hug, just because you can? Shouldn't be happy to see them after spending the day a part or if they call, instead of looking at your cell phone, and being bummed because it's your H on the other end? I know no matter what i do it's going to hurt.But, I know I can't go on any more.

[GreenEyedLady]

I know no matter what i do it's going to hurt.But, I know I can't go on any more.

 

If this is how you feel, then hire an attorney and file for divorce...you both deserve to be with someone who loves you above all others and a chance at happiness...that's not going to happen in this case with the situation being the way it is...

 

Just be fair in the D and co-parent your children to the best of your ability...

[sumdude]

If this is how you feel, then hire an attorney and file for divorce...you both deserve to be with someone who loves you above all others and a chance at happiness...that's not going to happen in this case with the situation being the way it is...

 

Just be fair in the D and co-parent your children to the best of your ability...

 

If it's at that point I agree. I also think you need to be totally upfront about it. Give him a short period of time to prepare for it and then make the split as fast as possible. For the person who is being left it's like an emotional amputation. So the faster and cleaner the cut the less it hurts them. He will likely freak. Be prepared for some sobbing, rage and all sorts of reactions. You have to be strong and patient so that in the long run the two of you can have a decent enough relationship for the kids. Prep the kids for this ... get them counciling .

[Topper]

a lot of woman here would love to havea guy who is open to working on their marriage. You said you did marriage counseling why did you stop? Who's idea was it to stop going? was it getting to hard on you?

If you don't want him let him go. i'm sure that he will land on his feet. He seems like an OK guy and with the right woman might bea great guy. He should be happy let him go

[notspiritual]

Reality6001: He just kept saying he’d do anything, as long as I’m happy then he’ll be happy

 

But, everything we worked on is not enough, and he still thinks if I can tell him what the little things are he will change, and I will be happy, and then he'll be happy, too.

 

Now, I know me being spineless all those years is not his fault.

 

He is a good husband who would do anything to save his marriage; he’s even ready to sacrifice his happiness to make you happy. His dream of growing old with the woman he vowed he would love forever will be destroyed.

 

He is trying hard to please you even if he has committed no fault, while all you seem to do is to sit contemplating. Nothing he can do will be enough to please you. You have given up on building a stronger love with your husband. You prefer to take the easy road without knowing that everything great in life requires hard work.

 

You have revealed yourself to be not worthy of his love.

Stop wasting this poor man’s life, he deserves much better.

[Touche]

I agree with the last two posters.

 

Sounds like you've changed. But your H is trying to change along with you. Why throw it all away now? That's great that you're not a "Yes Dear" kind of wife anymore. You grew a backbone. So use that backbone now and work on your marriage.

 

All marriages go through good and bad times. And they all have to be "tweaked" now and then.

 

I highly recommend Dr. Phil's book. I think it's called Relationship Rescue or something like that. It helped us a lot when we were going through a rough patch at the seven year mark. We'll be celebrating our 12 year anniversary next month.

 

Why do people give up so easily? It CAN be good again. It's not going to always be roses and champagne but why bail the minute it isn't? To me, that's spineless. Where's that backbone you supposedly now have?

 

You can bail and find someone else but when the sparks die down where will you be? Right back where you are now. Only with a whole other set of problems and with children from a divorced family. For what? It's not worth it.

 

I hope you sincerely re-think your position on this.

[sumdude]

I agree with the last two posters.

 

Sounds like you've changed. But your H is trying to change along with you. Why throw it all away now? That's great that you're not a "Yes Dear" kind of wife anymore. You grew a backbone. So use that backbone now and work on your marriage.

 

All marriages go through good and bad times. And they all have to be "tweaked" now and then.

 

I highly recommend Dr. Phil's book. I think it's called Relationship Rescue or something like that. It helped us a lot when we were going through a rough patch at the seven year mark. We'll be celebrating our 12 year anniversary next month.

 

Why do people give up so easily? It CAN be good again. It's not going to always be roses and champagne but why bail the minute it isn't? To me, that's spineless. Where's that backbone you supposedly now have?

 

You can bail and find someone else but when the sparks die down where will you be? Right back where you are now. Only with a whole other set of problems and with children from a divorced family. For what? It's not worth it.

 

I hope you sincerely re-think your position on this.

 

 

I totally agree

 

... as fas as my previous post goes. If you're really done and don't feel like working at this which I think you should... then make it quick.

[Reality6001]

Thanks for the advise everyone has given, believe it or not your thoughts have helped to think about things from all angles. Even if some of what I've read has been shocking. I have realized that i must sound really bitter and angry.

I just got back from my conseling( she was also our MC last year), and she suggested the Dr.Phil book,too.And I am going to pick it up, That being said, I still believe we need some time apart, to get a better grasp on our relationship. So, I am a going to ask him for a trail separtation, of a least 3 months and see if some distance will help. I truly hope that the time apart will give us both time to figureout whether the qurks we both have will make us happy if we are together.

 

Thanks again for all the help and thoughts,

[azianpride143]

It's unfortunate to see that you have grown out of your marriage and ready to move on. It seems like no matter how much effort your husband puts in, you are done with the marriage. It's sad to see marriages fade like this. When one party decides to no longer try and give up. When you married this man you made a vow. In good times you have been together and through it all. But in bad times you simply have given up. Yes there has been some bad history, but he is trying to save your marriage but you are not. It takes two to make a marriage work. You need to make up your mind and not prolong his suffering. If this marriage is truly over end it. Do it because he deserves the truth. Be honest with him. Don't leave him hanging. Don't play the "let me test the waters" game at his expense and then come back to him when your done. You have to think about what you are giving up, how this will affect your kids, your life, and then decide. Marriage is not a game it's a commitment. It's understanding that that you and your husband are one. Don't make any rash decisions that you will regret later on. Once you go down this path it's hard to turn back and expect life to be the same before you left. Good luck.

[Gunny376]

The problem is ~ you dump this guy ~ what are you going to re-place him with. At 37 ~ you're not in HS or college anymore. Where there were more men than women AND women had the supplly and men had the demand. During the course of the last 20 years, that pool has grown smaller and smaller.

 

Granted there's always has been a good man shortage ~ just like there's a good woman shortage, but with advancing years that pool of men grows smaller and smaller.

 

If a man lives to be eighty in the United States there will literally be one man for every two women. I know some of you women think ~ "Well at eighty? Who cares? As I said the availability of good men and men just period grows smaller and smaller with each pasing year.

 

"A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And, then there's my personal favorite, the male ego." ~ Roseanne Bar

 

I'm not a big fan or Roseanne ~ but she hit the nail on the head.

 

While we're on the books again ~ only 13% of all Americans even have a libarary card ~ which conincidenlty is about the same number of people that have read a non-ficitional book within the last year. The number of people that actually read a self help book is about 1%.

 

You want to know why your marriage isn't what you think it should be and your husband isn't the guy that you think you want to be married to? Its because like I, you didn't have the first damn clue about being married. And neither does your husband. The reason I can say this about you is because of all the "talk shows: etc ad nauseumn about relationships. Ditto with the substance problems ~ and the financial problems.

 

The time to bail? When you've got all of your current problems and issues worked out. All the hurt, all the disappointment, all the anger, all the resentment, all the haterd, all the issues.