annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I don’t get it. Why is it when I am looking for a relationship and want a guy to fall for me it never happens, but when I specifically say that I don’t want anything serious I end up with a guy telling me that he loves me? AHHHHHH !!!! Its so frustrating. I have only been dating this guy for about a month and have specifically discussed the fact I didn’t want to deal with messy relationship issues for a while. I just wanted to date and have fun with some one I enjoy being with. I don’t like to date more than one guy at a time, so we are dating exclusively and I slept with him for the first time about a week ago. Although he has yet to say he loves me in person, he has said it several times via email in the last week. I just keep ignoring it and going along as if he never said it. It seems the more I ignore it, the more he says it. This morning I got an I LOVE YOU e-card. I don’t know how to handle it. It is way too soon for this kind of stuff and I have made my intentions of taking things slowly very clear. I don’t want to stop seeing him. I really like him and given time, who knows? I may develop stronger feelings for him, but I can’t make any guarantees. This was suppose to be a low stress and fun dating experience. Does anyone have any experience on slowing some one down with out actually having to tell them to stop? I know if I do, he will be hurt and take it as us breaking up. He’s a lot more sensitive than guys I usually date. I really don’t want to stop seeing him but I feel like he is backing me into a corner with all his love talk.
Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 After a month he sent you an "I LOVE YOU eCard"? In addition to his other declarations of love to you? And you haven't returned the words?? I'd be scared. Honestly.
serial muse Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 i agree that it's kind of backing you into a corner...if i'd said "i love you" and didn't get the same in return, i'd back waaaaay off. the way he's kind of hitting you over the head with it is a bit manipulative. at this point, you should say something to him, IMO. hints and silence aren't working. i know it's awkward, but you should either be on the same page about things or let him know gently that this isn't what you want.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 I just got back from meeting him for lunch. As usual he didn’t say anything about the card he sent or say “I love you”. I wish he would, then I could talk to him about it. Instead he just sneaks it into emails and stuff. The last thing I want to do is have a talk like that via email. I feel like he’s just saying it to get a reaction out of me. I also think it’s a bit manipulative. As a single mom I have certain rules for dating, like I don’t date on the weeks I have my daughter. Her father and I have 50/50 custody and we trade off each week. I don’t introduce her to men I’m dating, especially not this early on and when I do have her I don’t pawn her off on sitters so I can go on dates. I value my time with her. All these “I love you”s happen to start last week when I had my daughter and couldn’t see him. I had her most of this past weekend as well. The only time I had without her I had a poker game with friends from work scheduled. I think he was bothered I didn’t invite him, but I work in a very professional environment and don’t normally drag dates along to meet my boss and co-workers. I think this bothers him even though he said he understood. I feel kind of like he is trying to force his way into parts of my life that I not ready to let him in yet. I do really like him and if he would just back off and let things progress naturally I think there could be a future for us, but right now he’s pushing me too much. I’m not use to being on this side of things. Its very frustrating.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I don’t get it. Why is it when I am looking for a relationship and want a guy to fall for me it never happens, but when I specifically say that I don’t want anything serious I end up with a guy telling me that he loves me? HELLO!!!! This is how they work. That is exactly what to say if you WANT a relationship with a guy, if you DON'T want a relationship with a guy you say I'm really looking for someone to settle down with who will support me and my future 12 children.
StartingOver07 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 if you DON'T want a relationship with a guy you say I'm really looking for someone to settle down with who will support me and my future 12 children. And your aging, demented mother. Seriously, I think it's a little creepy. First off, who says ILY in cards and email but not in person? What sort of game is that? And who keeps saying it when it's not reciprocated? Something odd about that, imo.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 And your aging, demented mother. Seriously, I think it's a little creepy. First off, who says ILY in cards and email but not in person? What sort of game is that? And who keeps saying it when it's not reciprocated? Something odd about that, imo. You guys are too funny But sadly what you've sadi is so true ! Sigh .... I think its weird too. All I know is I want it to stop. If he keeps it up, I'm just going to have to tell him that things are moving to fast for me and perhaps we should take a break. Maybe that will stop him in his tracks, but I just didn't want to have to deal with anything like this. I hate to say it but ............ he's acting like a girl.
StartingOver07 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I hate to say it but ............ he's acting like a girl. !!!! He is??? I'm a girl (ok, woman) and I generally don't say ily first and if I did, there is no way I would do it in email and e-cards and I for sure wouldn't say it more than once if it wasn't reciprocated. I think you need to talk to him.
norajane Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 we are dating exclusively and I slept with him for the first time about a week ago. Although he has yet to say he loves me in person, he has said it several times via email in the last week. I just keep ignoring it and going along as if he never said it. It seems the more I ignore it, the more he says it. This morning I got an I LOVE YOU e-card. Annabelle, I'm going to say 'I told you so' and tell you that some of this you brought on yourself. On your last thread, you asked if it would be too much, too soon to sleep with this guy because you wanted to keep things casual, and were concerned he might see sex as a sign to move to a more serious relationship. And I believe you had said that he had been a friend before you started dating, so you've known him for longer than a month and he's been hanging around you for a while keeping his feelings in check the whole time. Those kinds of guys are not the love 'em and leave 'em kind, the kind that would have sex and not care or not expect the relationship to move forward. I know you wanted a little nookie without complications, but you have to pick your nookie guys carefully, especially when you know beforehand that the guy in question has feelings for you. I don’t want to stop seeing him. I really like him and given time, who knows? I may develop stronger feelings for him, but I can’t make any guarantees. This was suppose to be a low stress and fun dating experience. Does anyone have any experience on slowing some one down with out actually having to tell them to stop? I know if I do, he will be hurt and take it as us breaking up. He’s a lot more sensitive than guys I usually date. I really don’t want to stop seeing him but I feel like he is backing me into a corner with all his love talk.Is it just the love talk that is bothering you? Tell him you're glad to have a chance to get to know him better, but it makes you uncomfortable to talk about love at this point since you just recently started dating and being intimate. I think that might go over better than taking a break. But if it's his feelings for you that bother you, then a break or break-up is probably best. Otherwise, he's just going to keep deepening his feelings for you while you are on the fence.
norajane Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I just got back from meeting him for lunch. As usual he didn’t say anything about the card he sent or say “I love you”. I wish he would, then I could talk to him about it. Instead he just sneaks it into emails and stuff. The last thing I want to do is have a talk like that via email. I feel like he’s just saying it to get a reaction out of me. You also had the opportunity to say something to him, like, "hey I got your e-card. That was a sweet thing to say. I hope that we'll get a chance to really fall in love after we get to know each other better." All these “I love you”s happen to start last week when I had my daughter and couldn’t see him. Hmm, are you sure they didn't start after you slept with him? I'm just saying maybe he's not being manipulative, but being excited to have had sex with someone he genuinely likes? If you read Stargazer's thread, she was very disappointed not to get any call or anything after she slept with her guy the first time. This guy just sounds like he's trying too hard.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 NJ- I really don't think I did anything wrong by sleeping with a guy I was dating. I've dated many men and as a rule they normally don't go all "lovey dovey" after you sleep with them for the first time. I really think his behavior has been abnormal and was completely unexpected. I think I was more concenrned that I would move too fast in the relationship if I slept with him too soon. I really think his behavior doesn't mesh with how guys normally act and i really don't think having sex was the trigger for his "love" confessions. I think it had more to do with not being able to see me when he wanted and not being included in my family and work activities.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 !!!! He is??? I'm a girl (ok, woman) and I generally don't say ily first and if I did, there is no way I would do it in email and e-cards and I for sure wouldn't say it more than once if it wasn't reciprocated. I think you need to talk to him. Ok ...let me rephrase that. He is acting like the overly clingy cliched girl that you see in movies like "How to lose a guy in ten days"
norajane Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I don't think you did anything wrong in sleeping with him. It's just that I've learned from similar experiences that there are some guys you have to keep at arms length if you aren't as into them as they are into you, because they'll take any encouragement (like sex) more seriously than maybe they should. From your other thread, it sounded like you knew he was already more into you than you were into him. I apologize if I read that wrong.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 I don't think you did anything wrong in sleeping with him. It's just that I've learned from similar experiences that there are some guys you have to keep at arms length if you aren't as into them as they are into you, because they'll take any encouragement (like sex) more seriously than maybe they should. From your other thread, it sounded like you knew he was already more into you than you were into him. I apologize if I read that wrong. I donlt think you read my previous thread all. I did have concerns that he might want more than I was willing to giv eat the time but I honestly had no clue he felt the way he does know. It has kind of hit me out of no where.
norajane Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I donlt think you read my previous thread all. I did have concerns that he might want more than I was willing to giv eat the time but I honestly had no clue he felt the way he does know. It has kind of hit me out of no where. I did read your "first overnight date" thread. And replied to it. Twice. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119776/ To put it in perspective, I have slept with only a handful of men in my life (I'm 31). And by the time I slept with them I was already having visions of white picket fences and shiny rings in the back of my head. Sleeping with them was a huge step for me and signified more to me than to them. I think I'm older and a little wiser now. This is new territory for me and I would hate to pass up the chance of having a good time with a great guy that I enjoy spending time with just becasue I'm afraid he might fall in love or expect too much too soon. Your gut instincts were speaking up loud and clear when you were considering whether to sleep with him or not. You've known each other for six months, so yeah, he probably had developed some picket fence visions before you slept together. Don't underestimate your ability to attract men who fall in love with you!
StartingOver07 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Honestly, none of this background information stops me fom thinking it is still a little weird. Ok, so he knew her for 6 months and ok, he's a sensitive kind of guy. I can't imagine too many people who choose email and text and the mediums by which to declare their love... and who keep declaring it even when it is not reciprocated. I still think there is something off about that. And I still think you need to talk to him because I don't think it is just going to get better or go away on its own.
DanielMadr Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Honestly, none of this background information stops me fom thinking it is still a little weird. Ok, so he knew her for 6 months and ok, he's a sensitive kind of guy. I can't imagine too many people who choose email and text and the mediums by which to declare their love... and who keep declaring it even when it is not reciprocated. I still think there is something off about that. And I still think you need to talk to him because I don't think it is just going to get better or go away on its own. it is called wuss. Walking around slightly bend with his heart on the silver plate. Scientists argue if it is either act of courage or stupidity.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 So ….. about an hour after lunch yesterday I got an email from him thanking me for having lunch with him. It was just two sentences and ended with, “Don’t forget I love you, sweetie.” I decided that as long as he wanted to keep saying stuff like that via email I was going to have the conversation about it via email. Instead of addressing the issue directly I decided to open a discussion about something else that was bothering me. He has a bad habit of constantly interrupting me when we talk. At first I thought is was just because he was nervous, but it hasn’t stopped and seems to be getting worse. It really annoys me. So I decided to address that issue in an email. His response was very apologetic and I think he thought I was trying to break up with him over it. Once the door was open for us to have a “state of the relationship” discussion I gave him a call to actually talk things out. With out actually telling him to stop with all the love talk, I think I got my point across. I told him I really liked him and wanted to give us a shot, but as I said in the beginning I just wanted to take things slowly. He agreed with me and said “I really like you too”. I think he got the point or at least I hope he did. He emailed me this morning after he got off work and there were no declarations of love. I think that is a good sign and he’ll take the cue to slow down. [FONT=Calibri','sans-serif]But I have to admit the initial weirdness of it still has me freaked a bit. I know we haven’t been dating long enough for those kind of feelings to develop, so it concerns me. I’m just going to have to be careful from here on out.[/FONT]
Star Gazer Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I gotta agree with all of NJ's posts within this thread. The guy was falling for you before you even started dating, and you had instincts about that. Despite not wanting/being able to reciprocate, you went ahead and slept with him, and his feelings intensified. I gotta agree that you got what you bargained for in this situation. "You need to pick your nookie partners carefully."
Author annabelle75 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 Update: We are still dating and things are going really well. He still occasionally sneaks an "I love you" into the end of converations but it doesn't bother me much anymore. I've developed stronger feelings for him than I intended and it doesn't scare me as much as it use too. This past weekend I took him out to meet my parents and he and my dad got along really well. They talked about their cars (they are both are restoring classics) and enjoyed hanging out. It was a big step for me because I never introduce the guys I date to my parents. I'm finding great irony in the fact that the one guy I have dated in the last few years that I had no intention of getting serious with has become the one guy that I am going to end up in a serious lasting relationship with. I guess it just goes to show that when you aren't really looking is when find what you've needed all along. Last night I spent the night at his place and when I was getting ready for work this morning he brought me a cup of coffee and then handed me a tupperware full of fresh cut fruit to take with me to work for breakfast. Does it get any sweeter than that? I've never had a guy treat me like that before.
Lucky555 Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 I don’t get it. Why is it when I am looking for a relationship and want a guy to fall for me it never happens, but when I specifically say that I don’t want anything serious I end up with a guy telling me that he loves me? HELLO!!!! This is how they work. That is exactly what to say if you WANT a relationship with a guy, if you DON'T want a relationship with a guy you say I'm really looking for someone to settle down with who will support me and my future 12 children. SO TRUE! Here i was with this one guy wanting a relationship and he didnt want one here i was just eager for him and only him. Then it didnt work out, so here i am not wanting a relationship and i am getting this guy begging me to go out for dinner and a movie, and if i am seeing anyone when all i want is friends...and thats all i want. lol i love that u said this got anymore POINTERS? lol I am going to have a lot of guy friends now for sure!
Author annabelle75 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Posted June 25, 2007 SO TRUE! Here i was with this one guy wanting a relationship and he didnt want one here i was just eager for him and only him. Then it didnt work out, so here i am not wanting a relationship and i am getting this guy begging me to go out for dinner and a movie, and if i am seeing anyone when all i want is friends...and thats all i want. lol i love that u said this got anymore POINTERS? lol I am going to have a lot of guy friends now for sure! Very very true !!! But ironically now I am actually starting to fall for the guy. He really has just been awesome and treated me better than anyone I have ever dated. I'm so glad I didn't cut him loose in the beginning when I thought I wasn't that interested. I guess giving a guy a chance even if you just aren't so sure, isn't such a bad idea. Most guys usually don't make it past the first or second date with me. I'll consider this a lesson learned.
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