How do i fix whats going on in my head???

[julieanna]

Okay, To get you on the same page Ive met guy who i feel really cares about me. Im almost 6 months pregnant and my self esteem is at my feet. He has a problem checking chicks out in front of me, and i hate it. I especially hate it right now because I feel huge (like i said 6 mnths preggo). I have confronted him about this and he tells me that im crazy that hes not doing what i say. but im not blind and it drives me nuts. Im extra emotional right now and have had a rough pregnancy as it is. I just ask that he respects me enough not to do that in front of me because it bothers me, but he has yet to listen to that. Everything else in the relationship is fine. I've had a long string of messed up/abusive relationships before him and i've heard that that has a lot to do with why i feel the way i do about this situation. But i dont understand why its so hard to just do me the favor of respecting me when we are out, and where i can see it. Id appreciate any feedback you guys can give.

[JadeStar]

I understand you being overly emotional right now, due to hormonal changes from being pregnant, and it most certainly can make you feel more sensitive than normal. However, what sticks out the most to me in your post, is the fact that after you have talked to him about it, and told him how it makes you feel, he still continues to do it infront of you. He is being disrespectful of your feelings right now, overly sensitive or not. I hate to be the barrier of bad news, but if he can't do something as simple as stop doing what he is doing infront of you, it may only get worse. Just out of curiosty, how old are the both of you? He sounds young and immature if he can't at least do what you requested.

[Woggle]

He probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. No matter how much a man loves a woman he is going to notice other attractive women. Any decent will never take it further than looking but it is just something that is 2nd nature to us. I understand you are sensitive and not feeling your best but it has nothing to do with you or his level of commitment to you.

[JadeStar]

He probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. No matter how much a man loves a woman he is going to notice other attractive women. Any decent will never take it further than looking but it is just something that is 2nd nature to us. I understand you are sensitive and not feeling your best but it has nothing to do with you or his level of commitment to you.

 

 

This may be so, but the bottom line is, she asked him not to do this infront of her. Its one thing to feel insecure due to hormonal changes, but quite another when someone who doesn't help the situation by continuing to do a behavior they were asked to stop. If he wants to look when shes not around, then fine, but she asked him to not do it infront of her. Its really not to much to ask, and if he feels it is, then she needs to send him on his way.

[Woggle]

This may be so, but the bottom line is, she asked him not to do this infront of her. Its one thing to feel insecure due to hormonal changes, but quite another when someone who doesn't help the situation by continuing to do a behavior they were asked to stop. If he wants to look when shes not around, then fine, but she asked him to not do it infront of her. Its really not to much to ask, and if he feels it is, then she needs to send him on his way.

 

It is not too much to ask but it is almost a reflex for men. He probably doesn't even realize he does it.

[JadeStar]

It is not too much to ask but it is almost a reflex for men. He probably doesn't even realize he does it.

 

 

Could be a reflex for men to do it. And it could be realizes it, or not, but if she has point blank made it clear to him that she doesn't want him to do it infront of her, and he still does, more than likely he does realize it and just doesn't care.

[PandorasBox]

Okay, To get you on the same page Ive met guy who i feel really cares about me. Im almost 6 months pregnant and my self esteem is at my feet. He has a problem checking chicks out in front of me, and i hate it. I especially hate it right now because I feel huge (like i said 6 mnths preggo). I have confronted him about this and he tells me that im crazy that hes not doing what i say. but im not blind and it drives me nuts. Im extra emotional right now and have had a rough pregnancy as it is. I just ask that he respects me enough not to do that in front of me because it bothers me, but he has yet to listen to that. Everything else in the relationship is fine. I've had a long string of messed up/abusive relationships before him and i've heard that that has a lot to do with why i feel the way i do about this situation. But i dont understand why its so hard to just do me the favor of respecting me when we are out, and where i can see it. Id appreciate any feedback you guys can give.

 

Next time you all are out somewhere and you see a nice looking guy, make sure you look at him. When your b/f asks you why you are looking, tell him he is crazy, and that you are not doing what he says you are doing. The exact same thing he has done to you. Maybe he needs a dose of his own medicine. Might not be the right thing to do, but sometimes people do need a dose of the own medicine.

[LakesideDream]

Another case of dreaded "visual cheating". Does he look at porn too? R rated movies?

 

Better dump him right away. You don't want to raise a child with a visual cheater.

[julieanna]

Just out of curiosty, how old are the both of you? He sounds young and immature if he can't at least do what you requested.

Im 27, and he's 42. I also would like to add in that it didnt bother me much when i wasnt pregnant because i felt much better about myself, but i want a healthy baby and if i have to eat..lol.. i have to eat..Ive also been put on bed rest due to cervical problems so that means exercise is out of the question. Its not like im lazy to keep fit while pregnant. and im not looking for arguments because other then that we get along great, but i think he should respect my wishes and just understand that its VIRTUALLY impossible to control my emotions, believe me i try so hard.

[JadeStar]

Im 27, and he's 42. I also would like to add in that it didnt bother me much when i wasnt pregnant because i felt much better about myself, but i want a healthy baby and if i have to eat..lol.. i have to eat..Ive also been put on bed rest due to cervical problems so that means exercise is out of the question. Its not like im lazy to keep fit while pregnant. and im not looking for arguments because other then that we get along great, but i think he should respect my wishes and just understand that its VIRTUALLY impossible to control my emotions, believe me i try so hard.

 

Well he is older than I thought. For some reason him telling you that you were crazy and him not doing what you said he was doing came across as something a really young, naive, uncaring person would say. Of course being uncaring or insensitive knows no age I suppose.

 

Yes, I agree that the emotions are more sensitive right now due to your hormones, and its not like you said he couldn't look at all, or ever look period ever again.

[LakesideDream]

Seriously, has anyone even thought out the "problem" of SO's looking at other women at the mall, grocery, beach, etc?

 

There is a worldwide 500 billion dollar a year fashion, personal beauty industry dedicated to exactly that, men looking at women. I have read many, many posts over the years written by women who are upset by, or disgusted with "their" men for "looking" at other women.

 

I seriously wonder how many of them have actually examined the reasons, which are myrid. Lipstick.. simulates a state of sexual arousal in women, ditto for blush. Underwire bra's, hip hugger slacks, nylons (smooth undamaged "youthful" legs) nearly ALL womens fashion is fostered to make women more physically attractive to men.

 

How many women doing the complaing about their men, buy and use these products/advantages? Do they do it only for "their" men, or is it to feel attractive in general?

 

We are all hard wired biologically. Humankind has had a couple of hundred thousand years of active "natural selection" affecting our responses and instincts. It is not realistic to believe that any of use can overcome thousands of generations of natural selection, just becase they have a BF/GF or spouse. Some may appear to be successful hiding it, some may even overcome the urge, not many. Most will do what their biology demands, that is to look at what is being so successfully advertised.

 

The alternative is obvious. The examples are all over the Muslim world. Women could all be vieled and dressed in Berka's, and men could be wearing neck to toe robes. This is the Muslim answer to male/female attraction.

 

By complaining about the reality of male/female visual interaction, that's what a person is advocating, reverting to 8th century norms. No one is going to be attracted to, or want to steal and enslaved, (not just in ancient times, it happens today!) a "pig in a poke", thus the Berka.

 

Until we have a few generations under our belts of spending zero time and money on making ourselves attractive to the opposite sex, "looking" is enevitable.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll have to agree with Lakeside on this one.

 

Right now, you are feeling the effects of your pregnancy. What you don't realize is that pregnancy has a beauty of it's own. Glowing skin and the happiness of looking forward to a beautiful little baby is a sight to behold. Please, have confidence in yourself and the rest will go away.

 

Your man is with you for a reason.

[PandorasBox]

Seriously, has anyone even thought out the "problem" of SO's looking at other women at the mall, grocery, beach, etc?

 

There is a worldwide 500 billion dollar a year fashion, personal beauty industry dedicated to exactly that, men looking at women. I have read many, many posts over the years written by women who are upset by, or disgusted with "their" men for "looking" at other women.

 

I seriously wonder how many of them have actually examined the reasons, which are myrid. Lipstick.. simulates a state of sexual arousal in women, ditto for blush. Underwire bra's, hip hugger slacks, nylons (smooth undamaged "youthful" legs) nearly ALL womens fashion is fostered to make women more physically attractive to men.

 

How many women doing the complaing about their men, buy and use these products/advantages? Do they do it only for "their" men, or is it to feel attractive in general?

 

We are all hard wired biologically. Humankind has had a couple of hundred thousand years of active "natural selection" affecting our responses and instincts. It is not realistic to believe that any of use can overcome thousands of generations of natural selection, just becase they have a BF/GF or spouse. Some may appear to be successful hiding it, some may even overcome the urge, not many. Most will do what their biology demands, that is to look at what is being so successfully advertised.

 

The alternative is obvious. The examples are all over the Muslim world. Women could all be vieled and dressed in Berka's, and men could be wearing neck to toe robes. This is the Muslim answer to male/female attraction.

 

By complaining about the reality of male/female visual interaction, that's what a person is advocating, reverting to 8th century norms. No one is going to be attracted to, or want to steal and enslaved, (not just in ancient times, it happens today!) a "pig in a poke", thus the Berka.

 

Until we have a few generations under our belts of spending zero time and money on making ourselves attractive to the opposite sex, "looking" is enevitable.

 

 

No one is disputing what you are saying here. Its true, men look, and so do women.

 

The issue here is one her hormones are out of whack, and two she simply asked him to not look in front of her, because it bothered her. Good heavens its such a crime one should communicate how they feel to another. When shes not around, and he wants to look till his eyes pop out of his head, let him. She did say it didn't bother her that much until she got preggers.

 

Now, had the OP come here and said something along the lines of, "My man is looking at every woman under the sun. Infront of me behind my back, every which away, and on top pf that, I will NOT allow him to look at TV commericals with women in bras, or advertsing make up, etc. He can NOT and will NOT look at other women, it hurts my feelings."

 

Then that there, might be a whole nother issue.

[Sheba]

Another case of dreaded "visual cheating". Does he look at porn too? R rated movies?

 

Better dump him right away. You don't want to raise a child with a visual cheater.

 

I have noticed on other threads that Lakeside Dream resorts to mocking others and being sarcastic when people express discomfort about their spouse/partner gawking/leering/looking at members of the opposite sex. In fact, he even started a thread for the sole purpose of engaging others in his mockery.

 

It seems to me that this is a big issue for him. It appears he comes to this particular forum to belittle people who have this type of worry.

 

I find his approach offensive and outside the spirit of this community. It is one thing to try to discourage people from holding a belief that you feel is wrong, it is quite another to ridicule them for their viewpoints.

 

Julieanna, I suggest you ignore Lakeside Dream. It is hard to feel beautiful when you are swollen and your usual shape is distorted. Sore feet, heartburn, morning sickness - all work against even the most cheerful dispositions. It is good that you recognize that you are especially sensitive right now. Your boyfriend should be especially sensitive too.

 

It is fair to say that it is a bit like a reflex to take a longer look at some particularly good looking person but it is not ACTUALLY a reflex. It is within the voluntary control of the looker. We don't stare openly at a person with a disability, even though we are curious. We stop ourselves, for fear of offending them.

 

It would be completely absurd to say "don't do it ever" but it is not unreasonable to say "try not to do it while you are with me".

[LakesideDream]

Sheba, I believe you are partially correct. Yes I have started a "visual cheating" thread, it was written in a sarcastic vien. I wouldn't disagree your use of the word "mocking" in congunction with that thread, and the subject in general.

 

Where you are absolutely wrong is in your assertion that people (in particular, but certainly no limited to men) can control the instinctual dynamic to look at the opposite sex, whose behavior and appearance is specifically tailored to draw even compel those looks. Your writing that the urge is controllable is INCORRECT.

 

Your compairison to people with physical disabilities is a red herring, totally moot. Presumably the disability makes the person LESS attractive. That is totally opposite of the dynamic being discussed. Curiosity (as you label it) is not driven by natural selection to near the degree of necessity that natural selection for the purpose of successful breeding is.

 

I have no problem with a person "asking" another to not look. I do have a problem with being upset when they do. There are hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection at work here. The INSTINCT to look is hard wired into our biology. The "look" that people adopt to become attractive is directly linked to a "look" that displays fertility. A few generations of civilization, and a persons need for empathy cannot wipe out thousands of generations of natural selection.

 

Just claiming it isn't so displays a lack of understanding of biology and psycology.

[Sheba]

Sheba, I believe you are partially correct. Yes I have started a "visual cheating" thread, it was written in a sarcastic vien. I wouldn't disagree your use of the word "mocking" in congunction with that thread, and the subject in general.

 

Where you are absolutely wrong is in your assertion that people (in particular, but certainly no limited to men) can control the instinctual dynamic to look at the opposite sex, whose behavior and appearance is specifically tailored to draw even compel those looks. Your writing that the urge is controllable is INCORRECT.

 

Your compairison to people with physical disabilities is a red herring, totally moot. Presumably the disability makes the person LESS attractive. That is totally opposite of the dynamic being discussed. Curiosity (as you label it) is not driven by natural selection to near the degree of necessity that natural selection for the purpose of successful breeding is.

 

I have no problem with a person "asking" another to not look. I do have a problem with being upset when they do. There are hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection at work here. The INSTINCT to look is hard wired into our biology. The "look" that people adopt to become attractive is directly linked to a "look" that displays fertility. A few generations of civilization, and a persons need for empathy cannot wipe out thousands of generations of natural selection.

 

Just claiming it isn't so displays a lack of understanding of biology and psycology.

 

I am not a Biologist nor a Psychologist. You are also, clearly, no scientist or you would recognize that the theory you love so much, or any theory, is not in itself a fact.

 

You might disagree with my suggestion that curiousity (or whatever you want to call it) is comparable to sexual attraction, but my argument is hardly moot. We are talking about a person's ability to avert their gaze from that which interests them.

 

My point is that human beings are more than their biology. Do you realize that your theory, taken to extreme, could be used to justify rape? It is the very same theory that rationalizes the wearing of burkhas, by the way.

 

In any case, I find your argument is weakened considerably by the disrespectful manner in which you advance it.

[LakesideDream]

Ah... yea Sheeb, I do realize that the postulate is the rational for the forced use of the Berka garmet.. I brought it up remember?

 

Regardless. If you really believe that people are more than their biology, or actually that are more than their biology and hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection their is absolutely no point in continuing the discussion.

 

For others reading, of course we are our biology. That is why society, laws, and religion exist, to tame the animal urges that exist in all of us. Generally every new generation brings with it new rules and norms, and casts aside some of the older rules that didn't work so well in the current situation.

 

Saying it ain't so, don't mean it ain't so. And Sheeba ... time to hit the science books a little before typing. Or of course you can take the good books advise literally.. "If thine eye offends thee pluck it out".

[Sheba]

By the same token, saying it is so does not make it so.

 

Despite your arguments and advice, I will continue to think of myself and most other humans as having free will and the capacity to conduct ourselves according to reason and ethical considerations. Except you, of course, Lakeside Dream. You clearly prefer to exclude yourself.

[LakesideDream]

Sheba, you are reading much into what I have said that I didn't write. Shame on you.

 

Of course I believe most human beings have free will. My statement had nothing to do with free will. I was specifically directed toward the well established knowledge that human beings are driven, or pre disposed to certain behaviors by genetics.

 

Trillions of dollars a year are spent on advertising. Half a trillion on the beauty / fashion industry. Why? To take advantage of the well established propensities of todays human beings. If the urge to "look" wasn't an immensely strong one, there would be no beauty/fashion industry, and much less of an advertising industry. The people, and industries who spend this money know exactly what they are doing. They spend based on well established principals, not a nebulous "feeling".

 

Looking does not equal coveting. The vast majority of people "look" out of instinct, they are not coveting the targets of their gaze.

 

The concept that "if a guy really loves me, his eyes won't follow a beautiful woman across the room" is a weak one. One has nothing to do with the other, which of course was my original point.

 

If you are not capable of understanding the rational / logical postulate I have labouriously laid out for you, so be it. Be aware though, that if you either refuse to do so, or are unable to, you are truely playing the game of life without a full deck.

[Sheba]

You and I won't agree, LD. This is OK with me as I have nothing invested in convincing you. Presumably you are equally disinterested in convincing me.

 

I regret to say that I will now put you on ignore, though I hate to miss out on the remarks of any person who might have something interesting or worthwhile to say. Unfortunately I am finding it difficult to not respond to your insults in kind. I fear I will give in to my instinct to defend myself.

[nicki]

So, if looking at an attractive woman is in fact "instinct" coming from the primal animal brain, then that means several things.

 

It means that if you give a man a swift kick in the shins when he does it, then he will be negatively reinforced, much like an animal when you smack its nose with a newspaper....He will soon learn: If I look, then I get smacked. Looking, bad.

 

I tend to agree that it is natural to notice attractive people. It's an impulse. But following a woman across the room with one's eyes is more than an impulse. It's a decision that the higher prefrontal cortex part of the brain can override. The prefrontal cortex is not in animals, just us humans. Therefore, we ARE smarter than animals.

 

If a man looking/staring at a woman is instinctual and unavoidable, then so is the fact that I want to mate with attractive alpha type males at the time of my ovulation.

 

Tell my sweet boyfriend that it's just biology if I cheat on him during that time, but otherwise want only him the other days of the month. (This "inclination" of women is a well documented fact. But I will be the first to say that I can help myself not to do it.)

 

Anyway, interesting thread.

[LakesideDream]

Nicki, Your kick in the shins will probably produce the desired result. Contrary to the popular notion, corpral punishment is an effective training tool. However... that is not what was being discussed.

 

It is instinct to breath. We are taught to whistle. It is instinct to listen and cry, we are taught to hear words and speak language. It is instinct to look, we are taught to identify what we see, and that when looking is innappropriate we should not do it. You and I have no argument.

 

Instinct often is not an excuse for breaking laws or ignoring societies norms. There are exceptions. The instinct to suvive is codified in self defense. If you fear for your life you can do things to preserve it that are not accepted in other situations.

 

I am single (for 7 years now), when I see an attractive person I do not stare, or make myself obvious because that behavior is rude. I acted the same way during my marriage of 25 years. Occasionally, I would "slip" and my ex would quip something like "why don't you take a picture", and I would be embarrassed by my behavior. That was a verbal "shin kick".

 

As I age, another facet comes into play. My eyesight is not what it once was. Occasionally, I take longer to focus, on say a waitress's name badge. That can be embarrassing too as I find it more respectful to address someone by name if possible rather than "hey you". I have often wondered if a young waitress thought I was staring at their breast, when I was actually focusing on their name badge to address them properly.

 

I was once staring across a crowded room at a television screen on the opposite wall, trying to decypher a sports score. An angry younger man confronted me for staring at his girlfriend who evidently was in the line of sight. I apologised and explained that I was looking at the TV. He obviously had no difficulty seeing the television. The guy was ready to fight because he believed I was "disrespecting" his GF. I could tell he had a problem with my explaination, didn't believe me, but wasn't absolutely sure I was lying. The crisis passed. That has really made me think about where my "eyes" were.

 

Ah well, human behavior is the most complex thing of all. We can only do our best.