my fears of making it on my own are paralizing me

[polywog]

Hey All,

 

I posted several threads about my situation, but summary is that my 9yr LTR ended 5 months ago, his choice, and I lost my love and my beloved home, as well as all the stability it brings. I've had many ups and downs, have lots of loving friends and support, and a temporary place to live (genrously provided by dear friends) until I get something permanent. I'm kind of in limbo, and still coping with the grief of all the losses.

 

Lately I have been particulary scared of whether I can make it on my own. It's overwhelming me, and lately paralizing me. I keep having unrealistic fantasies that the ex will want me back and things will be easy again. Note I said "unrealistic". I'm also scared that I'll never find another relationship with a man I'm so attracted to as my ex, I can't even look at another man right now. I know this is a phase, but it adds to my angst.

 

I feel like a helpless child, and it makes me ashamed. I am terrified of my financial situation. I am upset that I have lost the motivation to cook and have become bad at taking care of myself that way.

 

I still have boxes of stuff & furniture at my ex's house, and I know I need to get the stuff out (he told me I could keep it there until I get my new place).

But I have been avoiding dealing with this, because it is just incredibly painful and overwhelming. Yes, I know, I know I should just do it, and this is adding to my shame and feelings of being like an orphaned child.

 

This is a pathetic thread. I'm not asking for advice, exactly, because I know what I need to do. I guess I'm just wondering if any of you, especially women, know how I feel.

 

I hate this. Thanks for reading.

[KittenMoon]

Hey poly-

 

I feel for your sitch, it's really a terrible one. Your ex is a heartless worm.

 

But to the point at hand. YOU WILL BE OKAY. Y'know why? Because you are going to do what you have to do, and you are going to do it your own way.

 

I never lived with my ex, and I was a huge stickler about NEVER being finacially dependent in the least on him, but needless to say, I lost what was my "home life" nonetheless.

 

I was scared at first too. I thought, who was going to be there for me day to day? Who was going to drive me to stuff, like if my car needed a couple days of repair? Who was going to drive me places in the city I was afraid to drive myself? Who would go with me when I needed to go to parts of town that weren't quite safe? Who would help me with stuff like home repairs or come running to help me like the time a bat got in my apt?

 

Well, its over a year later and I'm still here. I readjusted. I replanned. I got myself to drive places and distances I used to be too nervous to. If an issue comes up, I deal with it. When mice got in my apt, me and my kitty took care of it. If I needed help with something, I went to a friend, and they helped, and I learned there are other people who will stand by you if you ask them.

 

There's gonna be a lot of stuff you hate doing, mainly because you've been used to making decisions in a pair. But trust me, from vacations to new apts to a brand new routine- IT IS DOABLE. The trick is that no matter how you feel about it, you just do it.

 

I am sure you will surprise yourself with what you can do on your own.

[polywog]

Thanks kitten... I don't think I could have gotten a nicer, more encouraging answer to the pathetic post of mine. It's interesting, my friends and family have total confidence in my doing fine. I know I will feel the most empowered and independent I've ever been when I land on my feet. It's just been, well, a rough time lately for me soul-wise.

 

I don't know why this has hit so hard, worse than my divorce was several years ago. I am more fearful than I've ever been. In part I think it's because I am on the brink of having to prove to myself things I've never had to prove before. I feel more alone in the world than I ever have. I mean, I have the best most supportive friends and all, but ultimately we only have ourselves when we go through these drastic changes, and the blow of having the rug pulled out from underneath rather than making the choices ourselves is huge and daunting. But your post made me feel better...Thank you so much!

[Trialbyfire]

It's just been, well, a rough time lately for me soul-wise.

This is what it's about. Your soul or self is in pain. Let yourself get over the grieving poly. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[madgun68]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Your post is not pathetic. It's simply how you feel and there's nothing wrong with that. It's going to take time to get over your loss. How much time? As much time as you need to heal. No more. No less.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ah polywog, I hate that feeling when you just feel like you're drowning and you wish you were a child again and mom or dad would sort it out...its horrible and not pathetic at all - you just verbalise it very well is all.

 

When I feel like that I write down the most scariest things that I have to do, then the next day I bite my lip and just do it. Its horrible doing the horrible things but its the nicest sense of achievement afterwards, thinking "Wow, I did it. I'm still alive. The world hasn't fell around my earlobes. I'm a strong person."

 

You'll do it because you're strong, even if it doesnt feel that way at the moment. And thats why you're friends and family believe in you - they have a reason to.

 

And after doing all of the horrible things make sure you give yourself a huge pat on the back and a nice treat for yourself

[corazoncito]

Hey Poly,

 

You need to give yourself a hug and realize how well you've been doing. You went through hell with the ex, but you're still here 5 months later. 5 MONTHS! In breakup time, that's like 5 years. I mean, when all of this first happened, I'm sure there were moments when you couldn't believe you could muddle through to the next day. But you did. And then it was getting through a week that seemed so hard. But you did that too. You have been doing what you need to grieve, heal and move on. Just taking each as day as it comes, and now you're 5 MONTHS past what happened and still standing!!! It's hard, but that's not the point, the point is that you haven't given up despite the fact things aren't easy.

 

I understand how it is hard to move past a breakup, especially when it seemed like the relationship was going to be "the one". My last breakup was like that (although I called it off). In my case, it hit me harder than other because it was sort of a wake-up call. I finally had to face that things not working in the past was not about it not being the right guy, or the right time, or just that sometimes things just don't work, but it was about me and choices I was making, whether consciously or not. And I've had to really do some hard thinking about what I want and then be really honest with myself about what changes are necessary to achieve those goals. It's a work in progress and not always easy, but I feel happier now. I think it's because I feel a lot more in control of and responsible for what happens in my life. Also, admitting I can be wrong (a lot) and not being afraid to screw up sometimes has opened me to a lot of opportunities that weren't even on my radar before all of this happened.

 

Well, that last bit was sort of rambling, don't know if it helps your situation that much. I just hope you take the time to appreciate how well you've been coping with a painful situation. You are going to be ok!!!

[polywog]

Thanks, you all:love:,

 

Your replies help me more than you know. And your personal stories, too.

 

I think one of my worst problems is that I am so stoical that when I feel out of control I do get hard on myself. I disapprove of letting mysef wallow, even the choice of that word is rather harsh on myself...(while I wholeheartedly support people here on LS when they freak out! Geez).

 

The list idea is great, I actually did a few little things I've been putting off today after my first post, and almost did write out a list this morning. It's an idea I've wanted to do many times, maybe I shall start.

 

Thanks again for your support!

[Storyrider]

Poly, you're already doing what you're scared you can't do. And overall, each day you will do it better, barring the bad days. Just give yourself permission to have some bad days.

[MagnoliaJane]

I feel like a helpless child, and it makes me ashamed. I am terrified of my financial situation. I am upset that I have lost the motivation to cook and have become bad at taking care of myself that way.

 

I still have boxes of stuff & furniture at my ex's house, and I know I need to get the stuff out (he told me I could keep it there until I get my new place).

But I have been avoiding dealing with this, because it is just incredibly painful and overwhelming. Yes, I know, I know I should just do it, and this is adding to my shame and feelings of being like an orphaned child.

 

This is a pathetic thread. I'm not asking for advice, exactly, because I know what I need to do. I guess I'm just wondering if any of you, especially women, know how I feel.

 

Poly dear,

 

I know exactly how you feel; I have felt this deep, existential loneliness before, along with the complimentary feelings of being uprooted and confused about everything. Sometimes we ourselves are our own worst enemies.

 

But... remember this: no evolution without conflict. You are handed an opportunity here, although it came as a poisoned gift, it is still a gift and that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

 

When you are in this mindset, restrict yourself to recovering from the blow of what has happened. Don't make any great plans (yet), you don't have to. When you are hit by a car you get to rest in the hospital, but there is no such recovery for a mental crash in otherwise healthy minds. What I mean is, give yourself a break, take it slow, even slower if you have to. Allow yourself to recover. Be sweet with yourself. Set little, tiny goals every day, or every two days, or every week. Don't make harsh judgments on yourself. A tiny goal could be: "today I am going to make soup and eat an orange". Think survival mode for now (bodily survival). Can you have your doggie with you for a few days? Animals are so good when you are in pain.

 

DO NOTs are:

1. do not care about your stuff at his place for now

2. do not try to speed up recover (it really requires its own time)

 

Right now, what would make you happy by yourself for, let's say, half an hour? Can you think of anything? Maybe buy a few plants for the place where you're currently staying? Maybe listen to Nick Drake?

 

What is it that you have wanted to do the past year but never found time to do it?

 

Poly, I promise you (and you can come find me if I am wrong), you are going to come out of this stronger and in peace. Only, don't expect this to happen tomorrow; it might take some extra months. In the meanwhile, just be. Be you. That is the only thing that is important.

[green eyed]

Polywog,

This is such a normal feeling. I'm feeling this at the moment too. You've been in a relationship so long that it's normal to want to rely on your partner. But there's also a great sense of accomplishment that will come from taking small steps and realising you can do it on your own. As others have said so well, you will do it because you must do it and you are already doing it. You've been doing it for 5 months already - maybe not everything, but the basic stuff. You're still here, you still have friends. There are people who love you.

 

I don't know if you can do this, but I'm trying at the moment to remember the time before I got together with my ex, when I was a strong, single, independent woman - and happy!! Of course, I always beat myself up by saying, 'Well, you were even happier after you met him'. It's true. I was. But I was pretty happy before, too, even to the point of telling friends not to set me up with anybody because I really didn't want a relationship.

 

The other thing I am trying to keep in mind is that, many years ago, I split up with another ex. I was convinced he was the love of my life. Ten years later, I still missed him. In a strange way, I still do. But I don't think about him every day, and certainly don't want to be with him. When we split up, I wanted to die. I was convinced I would never, ever meet anybody I could connect with like him. He was my everything. And of course, years later, I met my most recent ex. And now I'm feeling the same about him. He was perfect, I'll never meet anyone like him again, and so on. It's possible I won't. But it's possible I will. Maybe someone better.

 

It's only been a week since I split up with my ex, and I don't truly believe half of what I've just written. But I'm trying to think it, and trying to believe it, every day.

[CaliGuy]

Poly, I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling down.

 

The best advice I can give you is that this will pass and you will get through it. You really need to surround yourself with friends. The worst thing you can do is convince yourself that you will never find someone else. The truth is you will when the grieving is over and you focus on yourself.

 

All your energy, all of your focus should be on you and your happiness. Work out a lot (exercise is good for you emotionally as well as physically), dive into new hobbies and hang out with friends.

 

Have you been seeing a Counselor? They can help immensely.

[polywog]

But... remember this: no evolution without conflict. You are handed an opportunity here, although it came as a poisoned gift, it is still a gift and that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

 

Thanks...love the "poisoned gift" description! And I need to be reminded of this...making me stronger.

 

When you are in this mindset, restrict yourself to recovering from the blow of what has happened. Don't make any great plans (yet), you don't have to. When you are hit by a car you get to rest in the hospital, but there is no such recovery for a mental crash in otherwise healthy minds. What I mean is, give yourself a break, take it slow, even slower if you have to. Allow yourself to recover. Be sweet with yourself. Set little, tiny goals every day, or every two days, or every week. Don't make harsh judgments on yourself. A tiny goal could be: "today I am going to make soup and eat an orange". Think survival mode for now (bodily survival). Can you have your doggie with you for a few days? Animals are so good when you are in pain.

 

Such great, kind advice, MJ! This made me realize how much I am still suffering from the wound, and how unrealistic I am about being "recovered". I do think I've been making it harder by trying to accomplish goals that are ahead of where I am right now. I keep thinking that I should be farther along at 5 months. But the truth is, the loss was so profoundly huge, and acknowledging how huge will help me to have more compassion for myself.

 

I'm at a point where I am afraid to talk about it much with my friends because they are pained hearing about it, I can tell. They just want to see me over it, and not being in it, see the steps they'd like me to take. But here's where the lonely part comes in; I can only take the steps I am ready to take. I have to go through this particular tunnel alone, and no one else can see how long it is. They see the other side, however, but I can't yet, though I know it's there.

 

DO NOTs are:

1. do not care about your stuff at his place for now

2. do not try to speed up recover (it really requires its own time)

 

Thank You! Re: the stuff at his place... everyone has kept telling me that once the stuff is out, I can move on, that I am holding on by having it there. I confess, some of it (a little room's worth) is not even boxed up yet. One of my friends gave me a lecture that I was not allowing him to move on by keeping everything there, and that it seemed as if I was passively-aggressively punishing him. This all added to my awful shameful feelings. Maybe it's true, that I'm doing that. But none of this advice helps right now. I think that the stuff there is part of not ready to face the end of the dream I had yet, but soon I hope to have the strength in my soul to. I have felt myself getting stronger, and this thread has helped with all of the great replies.

 

Poly, I promise you (and you can come find me if I am wrong), you are going to come out of this stronger and in peace. Only, don't expect this to happen tomorrow; it might take some extra months. In the meanwhile, just be. Be you. That is the only thing that is important.

 

MJ:love:...your post here really, really, really helped me out!

[polywog]

Polywog,

This is such a normal feeling. I'm feeling this at the moment too. You've been in a relationship so long that it's normal to want to rely on your partner. But there's also a great sense of accomplishment that will come from taking small steps and realising you can do it on your own. As others have said so well, you will do it because you must do it and you are already doing it. You've been doing it for 5 months already - maybe not everything, but the basic stuff. You're still here, you still have friends. There are people who love you.

 

I don't know if you can do this, but I'm trying at the moment to remember the time before I got together with my ex, when I was a strong, single, independent woman - and happy!! Of course, I always beat myself up by saying, 'Well, you were even happier after you met him'. It's true. I was. But I was pretty happy before, too, even to the point of telling friends not to set me up with anybody because I really didn't want a relationship.

 

The other thing I am trying to keep in mind is that, many years ago, I split up with another ex. I was convinced he was the love of my life. Ten years later, I still missed him. In a strange way, I still do. But I don't think about him every day, and certainly don't want to be with him. When we split up, I wanted to die. I was convinced I would never, ever meet anybody I could connect with like him. He was my everything. And of course, years later, I met my most recent ex. And now I'm feeling the same about him. He was perfect, I'll never meet anyone like him again, and so on. It's possible I won't. But it's possible I will. Maybe someone better.

 

It's only been a week since I split up with my ex, and I don't truly believe half of what I've just written. But I'm trying to think it, and trying to believe it, every day.

 

Hi green eyed, I just read your thread and related so much! And everything you have said here will make us both stronger. Like you, I've had this happen more than once. I almost think, on a spiritual plane, that we are being pushed to have more profound and loving relationships by being put through these trials. I sort of feel it through the fog of pain.

Good luck to you, we shall heal together.

[polywog]

Poly, I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling down.

 

 

Have you been seeing a Counselor? They can help immensely.

 

Thanks Caliguy. Yes, I began to see a counselor right away after the break up. She keeps telling me I am too hard on myself! And she's been great.

[azianpride143]

Hi polywog. You are hard on yourself. You need to take a breather and like what Caliguy said sorround yourself with people that care about you. Remember the acceptance of your reality is the hardest thing to overcome. I felt the same way losing everything that I have worked hard for in the last 14 years of my marriage. At some point, I didn't know how I could financially be ok with my house, car, credit card, kid's private school, and other expenses. But somehow life has a way of working it out. You just need to tighten your belt a little. Get your bearings. And chug along slowly. Take your time and live within your means. At some point, you can get the confidence back to start living your life on your own. Everything just takes time. I saw someone mentioned you've survived the last 5 months and that's quite an achievement. Just keep on going. You will be ok in the end.

[MagnoliaJane]

Good morning Poly,

 

Just checking up on ya , how are you this morning?

[polywog]

Hi all, just want to thank all of you again for you incredible compassion and support . It's meant everything to me, and helped me over the hump.

 

I got great news yesterday re:housing. I have applied for some affordable housing, which is determined by a lottery. I was made to understand that the units would be available sometime in late June, early July, but all has been limbo until now. I got a call from the office all but telling me that I would get one of the units (brand new, great appliances, one bedroom) and that I just needed to update my financial statement. I was told that the units would be realy to move into at the end of August. I am thrilled and relieved. It's still going to be determined by lottery, but I was given the impression that there are only two of us applying for two places, though she could not tell me that.

 

I had been keeping all my stuff at the ex's house because I thought that there was a possibilty that I'd have to move stuff soon, and I didn't want to move twice. Now I feel determined to move my stuff out into storage since I finally know it will be a few months until I have my own home.

 

This is a huge relief. Don't have this awful limbo feeling hanging over me anymore, and I have the guts and motivation to realease myself from the old house by removing my stuff.

 

And Magnolia, in your post "giving me permission" to not move my stuff, I feel set free from all the shame I had, and feel more strong and less overwhelmed about doing it.

 

Anyhow, thanks guys from the bottom of my heart:love:

[polywog]

Hey all,

I just got a phonecall that I won a new place to live in a housing lottery!!!!

I can't tell you how thrilled and relieved I am! Brand new place, one bedroom, fancy appliances, an art studio included!!! Jayzuz Kryst, I am happy!:bunny::bunny: (bunnies as proof)

 

Pant, pant, pant.... give me a minute to catch my breath.....

 

To fill in some blanks (not including the breakup loss of home stuff, covered in my previous sad threads) I live in a town where housing is nearly impossible if you're not wealthy. And I got a place! A fancy place with a dishwasher and laundry hook-up, and parking; a big deal in this town!

 

You're all invited to my housewarming party!

[AriaIncognito]

Thats great news polywog!! See, we knew you'd do it :-)

 

I hope you can maybe show us pics someday of your new place :-)

 

Congrats to you!

[polywog]

Thats great news polywog!! See, we knew you'd do it :-)

 

I hope you can maybe show us pics someday of your new place :-)

 

Congrats to you!

 

Thanx, aria! I may start a new thread with the less pathetic title I have here just to generate more congrats from LSers who may be weary of my gloomy threads.

 

[Lady Aurora]

Hi poly,

 

I am so happy to hear the good news about your housing!

 

I know it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. But, as a person who has come out the other side I assure you that light is still burning for you. My recovery has been measured in years, not months, and some days I still question if I am truly healed. But, that is not meant to deter you. Rather, I know I would get impatient with my progress and wanted my life back so much faster than it would come. So, what I am trying to say is to revel in the progress you have made so far and not worry so much about how far you have left to go. Every day you grow a little stronger. It was the worst emotional pain I have ever endured, but I can honestly say I am wiser for it and have grown from the experience.

 

 

Aura

[sveltskye]

I just saw this thread of yours and wanted to give you a little support, since you've been so supportive on my thread. It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot lately. I can't even imagine what moving past a serious committed relationship like that but it sounds like you're getting through it step by step. In some ways, I feel the same way as you- I'm just moving out on my own for the first time without my sister or parents and I'm a little terrified too!

Congratulations about the house. It sounds amazing! The art studio in particular would thrill me, being an art student. You seem like such a nice person, sounds like you deserve this bit of luck.

[mishy]

Polywog,

 

I know what you are feeling. My situation is not the same but mine is also about grief and loss and plain paralyzing fear.

 

This is what has happened to me in the space of 10 months

 

1. my father died of cancer

2. my best friend told me he didn't want to see me anymore

3. my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer

4. me and my best friend had mutual friends and some of them chose "his side" and so i was cut loose from my own social group

 

It has been a really ugly time. The worst in my whole life. My sense of place and identity and belonging was temporarily shattered (for about 4 months and still feel a bit that way)

 

BUT I think there is alot to be said from just taking every day as it comes. I never really appreciated what that meant until now.

 

Heres the interesting thing. Before all this happened I was quite an anxious person - and now I'm like "bring it on". I feel like i can handle anything. I'm a special school teacher and am just doing relief work at the moment. Its brilliant money, feel like I'm contributing to society, and can take days or weeks off when i want - so i can go down and help mum. Before all this i was quite anxious about going to these schools - but now i feel like nothing can rock me.

 

the other thing is that i reignited friendships with really old friends i had lost contact with

 

So i can say this

1. good things will come out of your terrible time

2. it is corny but YOU will come out a better person and a stronger one

3. you will realise the best friend you have is yourself

4. you will get through this

 

 

hang in there

[mishy]

I didn't read the last couple of threads!!!!!!! Congrats on your new unit!!!!!!!!!