sweetie7 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I just met a self-proclaimed "bad boy" and I can't help being really interested, but I'm wondering if I should stay far far away. I'm a "good girl" and just got out of a long relationship and think I just need some fun. I've known about this guy for a while through friends who always talk badly about him: he sings in a band, dates a lot of girls, drinks a lot, is a slacker, etc. So why am I so attracted to him? I was at his apt. party this weekend and ended up there after everyone left. We basically talked for hours about everything, including him telling me he is horrible in relationships. Then we started kissing and stayed up all night talking and kissing. He didn't try anything else and he said he had been trying to resist even kissing me all night. He kept making it clear he was falling for me against his will (yeah I am well aware this could totally be a line!) Anyway, he was really sweet and made me think maybee he's not soo bad as people make him out to be. He even called me the next day just to say hi and to ask when i was free for the rest of the week. I told one of my friends whose bf knows him well and she said he's been talking about trying to get his life in order lately and wants to stop screwing around. I am much smarter than to think I can change someone or I can be "the one" for someone like him, but it's still an attractive thought, huh? My last bf was soo clean cut and "perfect" that I think someone who seems to be his opposite is a turn on to me right now. I know not to expect a lot and am playing it really cool right now, but I also know how I am and I'm afraid I'm going to start falling hard. Should I stay away or just go out and have my fun with him and let whatever happens happen?
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 If you like who he is, it might be fine. I think it's more about expectations. If you expect him to change, especially because of you, it might not work out. n The fact that he dates a lot and doesn't have a job and has a drinking problem is not reason enough to avoid him. Plenty of men are like this. Some of them are good boyfriends, at least for a while.
Author sweetie7 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 Hmm that is true. I definitely don't think I can change him. With my last bf, he was soo perfect at first. Told me he didn't really like drinking, going out to bars, didn't hook up with any girl who wasn't his gf, basically the perfect guy. So then every time he did something "bad," I would get mad. Because I totally did not expect it of him. My friend and I were talking the other day about how I should just date someone who I have no expectations for and then everything he does right I'll be impressed by. Obviously not the best way to find a relationship, but I just thought it was funny that we talked about this and then the next day I met this guy. We'll see what happens!
jcster Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Buyer beware: The guy told you he's horrible at relationships. Guys don't lie about this - they'll tell you right up front what to expect - silly us, we just don't listen. If you're not listening to the friends that are saying he drinks too much and is a womanizer, then please don't listen to the friend that says he's "trying to get his life in order." People with messed up lives are always trying to get it their lives in order. Will this be the time that he actually does it? Who knows? But unless you can accept the package absolutely as advertised, you will be very unhappy. Been there, got the merit badge.
Steve20 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I know plenty of guys just like the one you have explained. Some of my guy friends talk to me about women, and it makes me sick. He won’t change for you, and you won’t stand in his way of getting what he wants when he wants it. Don’t rely on him being faithful or good to you. It could be the novelty of meeting you that’s talking instead of the real him. A-holes will always be A-holes. Of course there always is a little chance he could just be a rarity, probably not though. Good luck.
kel30 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Hey girl! I feel your "pain".... my 2 yr relationship was over in March and I just met this cool musician-bad-boy ...I don't mean to label people but since I also play music (for fun, not to make a living) I know the type! I am in the same situation as you, don't know what to do and how to react. I am thinking of giving it a shot but I caught myself thinking why did I feel that attraction for a bad boy? I always liked their "look" but promised myself I'd never date a musician..ironic. He seems very sweet, actually way nicer than a lot of "preppy" guys I've dated before. Keep us posted & Rock on!
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 If you're the type that isn't looking for a relationship, bad boys can be fun to play with. Other than that, guard your heart.
pelagicsands Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Other than that, guard your heart. Interesting point of view. So, if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... is the way to a woman's heart through her pants?!
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Interesting point of view. So, if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... is the way to a woman's heart through her pants?! The way to a woman's heart is for men to be themselves. If there's chemistry, there will be fire.
pelagicsands Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 The way to a woman's heart is for men to be themselves. Well, the "look at my pelvic thrusts" thing doesn't quite work for me. But I'll stick with it, and maybe my luck will improve. If there's chemistry, there will be fire.You are always burning things. What's with that?
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 You are always burning things. What's with that? Being an arsonist isn't an easy job, ya' know. Clients complain, victims complain, now you're complaining...
pelagicsands Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Being an arsonist isn't an easy job, ya' know. Clients complain, victims complain, now you're complaining... I wouldn't dream of complaining. At least, not without first donning some flame-retardant clothing. You know, I used to think I was an arsonist... until I looked it up. I think I'm more of an arseist. Flame on!
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I think I'm more of an arseist. Let me guess. Your business cards read: Allow me to assist you...
pelagicsands Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Let me guess. Your business cards read: Allow me to assist you... What a splendid idea! I knew I could count on you for a creative new slant. "magichands and associates pride ourselves on being behind our clients all the way. We'll plug any hole you might have overlooked. Is that a silver dollar down by your toes?" "We'll do whatever it takes to get your satisfaction, but we always use lube."
Author sweetie7 Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Very good advice...I think everyone is right in that I can't go into this looking for a relationship. I don't really even want to be in a relationship right now since I'm recently out of one; but this could be fun. Don't want to get attached though. And don't want to make things weird since I'll still want to go to their shows with my friends. He's so chill though; I'm sure it wouldn't be awkward. He called me last night drunk..hahah go figure. But he was saying how much he wants to see me and how he talked to my friend's bf (his bandmate) to make sure he was cool with everything. So who knows- this is all a new experience to me. I think I'm just going to let whatever happens happen and not worry about any of it. This is definitely kind of exciting at least! Kel30-interesting to hear you're in the same type of situation. I hope we both have good experiences! I've actually never even been attracted to "bad boys" and tend to go for the tall, dark, and handsome type. This guy isn't totally "bad boy" looking but he does have some tattoos, which I normally hate...so why am I finding it kind of a turn-on?? This guy seems like a total sweetheart too and I wouldn't think anything poorly of him except he keeps telling me "I suck" and "I'm bad at relationships" but I wonder if this is just something he says to protect himself as well as me.
jcster Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I've actually never even been attracted to "bad boys" and tend to go for the tall, dark, and handsome type. ....he does have some tattoos, which I normally hate...so why am I finding it kind of a turn-on?? He's the opposite of your usual guy, and very likely the opposite of your last boyfriend. He's a novelty. he keeps telling me "I suck" and "I'm bad at relationships" but I wonder if this is just something he says to protect himself as well as me. If you want to believe him when he says he's into you, then please listen to the other things he says. I can see why you find this exciting - just think about how you're going to feel when the excitement wears off. Be careful, he's giving you full disclosure, and you're not hearing it.
DanielMadr Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Eh. He is no bad boy. He is a pretender. Bad boys are at least tough (until confronted with someone tougher , then they disintigrate into little crying pieces of little boys). Crying to you over phone, how he misses you, eh. RED flag, sister. Dont come back here crying or whinning. You have been warned. By us and by him too. your father wannabe
Author sweetie7 Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Be careful, he's giving you full disclosure, and you're not hearing it. I really am hearing him and everything he's saying, trust me! I definitely think he is a jerk but I don't think he wants to be. According to friends, a lot of times he falls for girls and is really really sweet but then just gets bored. I think he knows this about himself so he's letting me know so if anything happens he won't feel so bad and I'll have known what I am getting into. Crying to you over phone, how he misses you, eh. RED flag, sister. Dont come back here crying or whinning. You have been warned. By us and by him too. your father wannabe Haha thanks. He definitely didn't cry over missing me though. He basically just said "I'd like to see you again" and that was that. I know you're all right and I know Im dumb because I came here for advice and now I'm trying to argue his merits. You are all warning me, and with good reason! The bands going on tour in a couple months anyway, so it's nearly impossible for anything to happen.
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 sweetie, you're probably a little vulnerable from your last relationship which is the stuff of dreams for bad boys. They can sense weakness and work it. As you said, notice how interested you are and your defense of him? You may want to step back from this guy and think about it analytically, before indulging, regardless of temptation.
jcster Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Bad boys get their reputation by being bad. One of the bad things they do is to use whatever is necessary to get the girl that they want. That can be very attractive to women. However, this means that they will take advantage of whatever weakness you present. Women on the rebound, or who've been hurt in their last relationship are their preferred prey. We're wounded and easy to ground. We'll overlook their obvious faults and listen to their sweettalk. We feel special just because they look our way. What happens when they "get" us? Well, the attention has served its purpose, and it goes back in the toolbox - until you get pissed enough to leave, and then it comes right back out again. It's the rollercoaster ride from hell. If you're smart - you only ride it once. That being said, it only makes sense to those who've had their ticket punched - once you get on the ride, it's too late.
electric_sheep Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 "Bad Boy" isn't necessarily a very useful term. I've gone through phases where I drank, did a lot of drugs, drove my car too fast, and stayed out all night, but I was also really nice to people and was certainly open to having a meaningful relationship. I was sarcastic and cynical about much of life, but a nice and pretty girl could always melt my heart. Then there are the self-proclaimed "bad boys", or "tough guys". They generally prescribe to some twist on the old, traditional, wild west idea of manliness and like to bash gays and geeks, and just generally have high opinions of themselves. These guys are usually ultra confident and speak in loud brash voices. Really though, often times this bad boy thing is more about image than anything. Just because someone's dressed in leather and has full sleeve tattoes doesn't mean a whole lot, though often it means they are going to put on all sorts of airs, which in itself can be rather annoying. True bad boys live in trailor parks, beat their wives, get in fist fights, shoot dope under bridges, and rob 7-elevens. These guys I'd certainly avoid. Honestly though, I find "image" to be rather silly. Just being plain ole nice goes a long way in my book. Being nice and open minded. You can be as bad as you want to be so long as you're nice and open minded.
electric_sheep Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 he keeps telling me "I suck" and "I'm bad at relationships" but I wonder if this is just something he says to protect himself as well as me.Okay. He sounds like the "emo" bad boy. Sulken, depressed about everything, self-denigrating. He's probably a silly middle class white boy from the suburbs, no? I dated a girl that fell into this category once, and I have to say one of the things that bothered me the most was she had such a bad opinion of herself that there was nothing for her to live up to. Having said that, he'll probably grow out of this. Generally people get over it by the time they are in their late 20's. The upside is this "type" can often be really talented, creative, and a delight to have conversations with. They are often more creative, smarter, and more talented than the average person in fact, which is partly why they are so depressed all the time. They feel society owes them something for being so damn smart, but unfortunately that's not the way it works. Could I possibly stereotype any more, heehee? Could be fun, but be cautious.
alphamale Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Should I stay away or just go out and have my fun with him and let whatever happens happen? I think you should date him...at least he's not a boring "nice guy"
Pyro Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I just met a self-proclaimed "bad boy" and I can't help being really interested, but I'm wondering if I should stay far far away. I'm a "good girl" and just got out of a long relationship and think I just need some fun. I've known about this guy for a while through friends who always talk badly about him: he sings in a band, dates a lot of girls, drinks a lot, is a slacker, etc. So why am I so attracted to him? I was at his apt. party this weekend and ended up there after everyone left. We basically talked for hours about everything, including him telling me he is horrible in relationships. Then we started kissing and stayed up all night talking and kissing. He didn't try anything else and he said he had been trying to resist even kissing me all night. He kept making it clear he was falling for me against his will (yeah I am well aware this could totally be a line!) Anyway, he was really sweet and made me think maybee he's not soo bad as people make him out to be. He even called me the next day just to say hi and to ask when i was free for the rest of the week. I told one of my friends whose bf knows him well and she said he's been talking about trying to get his life in order lately and wants to stop screwing around. I am much smarter than to think I can change someone or I can be "the one" for someone like him, but it's still an attractive thought, huh? My last bf was soo clean cut and "perfect" that I think someone who seems to be his opposite is a turn on to me right now. I know not to expect a lot and am playing it really cool right now, but I also know how I am and I'm afraid I'm going to start falling hard. Should I stay away or just go out and have my fun with him and let whatever happens happen? If you are only looking for a casual fling, then he sounds like the guy for you....... I am willing to bet that all that "sweet talk" he is saying is nothing more than BS. He probably just wants to get into your pants, but people can change.
Pyro Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 sweetie, you're probably a little vulnerable from your last relationship which is the stuff of dreams for bad boys. They can sense weakness and work it. As you said, notice how interested you are and your defense of him? You may want to step back from this guy and think about it analytically, before indulging, regardless of temptation. This is good advice and is so true.
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