Second date complications, possible "other" guy, and discomfort at overall situation

[masaki1085]

I am not sure what to do. I recently met this girl, whom at first I was very excited about dating and getting to know. At the end of the second date, I am feeling very uncomfortable about her and the situation.

 

I've been recently posting here about a girl I recently met at a karaoke bar (check "In Search Of..." forum), that is 3 years older than me. I met her after I caught her looking at me at a bar where a karaoke contest has been taking place for a number of weeks, and I got her number the following week, and we have hung out together on two occasions...

 

The first time we hung out, it went very well. We met late, chatted over drinks, and got to know each other. I was very pleased, as was she, after our first meeting/date/whatever you want to call it. We decided to make a second meeting and third meeting. Wow. These were actually invitations for me to come with her to some parties.

 

The second meeting became an all day affair, that went through a number of stops, from the party I was invited to (which went okay), and eventually to a karaoke bar where she frequents on a regular basis. The meeting ended up becoming awkward and uncomfortable for me by the end of the night, and this is why:

 

This girl knows several people there at this karaoke bar. The bartender and DJ knows her name, the songs she sings, and her drinks of choice. She is very much a regular. The night went okay, until this one guy arrived who she knew, and I got a bad vibe from him the entire night. He would follow her around, dance with her, whisper stuff into her ear, hover over her when she sat next to me, steal my seat when I got up to use the bathroom (one time I went back to my seat, he was sitting there but he had put his feet on her chair while she was off somewhere). I don't know if I should feel any sort of discomfort in this situation, but if a girl you with in any type of dating situation invites you some place, I would expect that this is unusual. My reaction was simply a state of discomfort--I didn't say anything and pretty much sat, puzzled.

 

On top of this, she would react to him like this is business-as-usual. Which, maybe it is--I don't know. She also danced with me, and stayed somewhat close to me for the evening. I found out that this guy is going to be one of her "backup dancers" for the karaoke finals in the contest where I met her.

 

This sent off big alarm signs to me. The party went fine, but this whole leg of the evening just felt very awkward, because of this dude. I should also mention, too, that some aspects of her past that she's talked to me about carry a bit of "baggage" that I do not feel prepared to deal with, and make me feel uncomfortable about continuing to date her.

 

The night ended with her giving me a goodnight kiss, and a request that I call her when I get home to let her know I drove home safely, which I did.

 

But I also feel very confused now. My first inclination is that I feel from what I learned about her on a personal level, that where we are in our lives is too different and we do not share much common ground. I also feel that the situation above, experienced on a second "date," left a very sour taste in my mouth. I am not the jealous type, but I can recognize when something isn't right. To be honest, I am not feeling that anything beyond this day is workable, which is a shame, because our first meeting went so well.

 

My gut says it will not work. What do you think? How would you react in the situation above? What do I assume and what should I assume (if anything)? (Sorry it is so long and drawn out, and thank you for reading and if you choose to respond.)

 

I mentioned there was a potential third meeting before--this was supposed to be today. I called her, and left a message regarding the plans we made. She texts me back saying she is not feeling well due to allergies (which were bothering her severely throughout our second meeting). So, the third meeting did not happen. I've texted her back later in the evening asking how her eyes were--and never got a reply. I will see her at the karaoke contest tomorrow.

 

What do you think?

[garnet]

In every experience where I had that "gut" feeling that something wasn't right, I was always dead on. I think most of us usually are. So, proceed with caution. If you feel that her issues are too much for you to deal with, better to be upfront about that.

 

You've only mentioned though about how the guy was behaving toward her, not the other way around. Did you get the feeling she was reciprocating his interest?

[masaki1085]

You've only mentioned though about how the guy was behaving toward her, not the other way around. Did you get the feeling she was reciprocating his interest?

 

This was weird--it was like she was and she wasn't.

 

She was, by virtue that she did not try to avoid any situation where he was trying to move in close (e.g., if he danced with her, she danced with him back; if he followed her, she wouldn't really take notice to that aspect and she would just talk to him if he came up).

 

This happened all evening from the time he got there until the time we left.

 

I guess if there were signs that she wasn't returning his advances were by her somewhat staying close to me when she sat back down next to me, and dancing with me.

[garnet]

If you know you don't want to be with her anyway due to the issues she has, maybe the best thing is just to let the whole thing go and move on, especially if she hasn't responded to your text.

 

Otherwise, I would say that the best thing to do would be to talk to her openly and honestly about the whole situation and see what her reaction is. If she gets defensive about the thing with the other guy then I would see that as a red flag.

[masaki1085]

I wonder that in my initial posting that I had already made my decision, by virtue of my reasons for discomfort.

 

Interestingly, too, she still hasn't responded to my text. But, I will see her tonight because of the karaoke contest. Maybe it would be a good time to call it quits with her. I've already been thinking about what I'm going to say to her, and to be honest--two dates in, its probably not even worth mentioning the other guy because at this point it doesn't matter.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[champagne]

In my opinion, you started losing interest the last date, well she is feeling the same way. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

[Krytellan]

She sounds like someone who is very "free" and thrives on the attention of others... all others. Trust your gut... always trust your gut. I can put myself in your situation from experience and every time I have pulled away, and always for the better in the long run.