green eyed Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Hi all, I posted my story over here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120446/ In short, the love of my life told me that he still loves me and wants to be with me but he can't handle our arguments. He can't see any way past them and doesn't think there's a future for us. I am heartbroken, because I think better communication could make an enormous difference to us. I have persuaded him to take 2 months to reconsider, although we are definitely broken up in the meantime. We haven't worked out an exact plan of how we are going to handle things during these next few months, but he did tell me that he would keep in touch. I want him back more than anything in the world. Given that fact, is it better to: 1/try to go completely NC and not return his calls; 2/only return calls when he initiates them; 3/initiate some LC of my own - say, ringing him once a week? One the one hand, NC might make him realise just how much he misses me (and he will miss me, that's a certainty). On the other hand, if I don't return his calls, I'm scared he'll take offense and get angry with me all over again (he is a type of person who is easily annoyed). And isn't initiating a little bit of LC myself showing him that I'm keeping the door open for him? This is all very confusing!! Added to that is that it's only day 2 of NC for me and already I'm feeling like I can't handle it. Desperate for some advice here on the pros and cons of NC and LC and which is the best strategy for a stubborn, easily offended man (haha!) Keep in mind that we both do love each other and want to be together but he just can't see it working. Thanks.
ruby_gloom Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Of course you're confused. With all of these NC variations, who wouldn't? IMO, they're just absurd because they cause more pain and more headache than not. I think that what you need to do is stop talking to this guy completely unless you must speak with him due to legal reasons or some other such things. By not talking to him, maybe he will realize he misses you and maybe he won't; only one of those two things will happen to him. For you, you heart will be a little safer not knowing everything (and maybe everyone) he's doing, and it will be on the road to recovery. If per chance he decides he misses you because of the lack of contact, he'll come back to you, and if and when he does, you'll be able to make the decision. Blah blah blah. Seriously, don't talk to him. Trust me: it seems like a good idea to start with but it (almost always) bites you in the ass afterwards. Believe me. Been there, done that. It sucks oh so very much.
notadoormatanymore Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Hi there, I am new here, joined today actually from a link in my regular forum. I have been going through a marriage break up etc and have been reading quite abit today from your forum. could you please tell me what NC and LC stands for, i can't figure it out and it makes for difficult understanding when I read. tahnks pardon me OP for hijacking your thread.
curiousnycgirl Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Here is a great descriptiong of what NC (No Contact) is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54435/
notadoormatanymore Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 why thank you curiousnygirl! This forum is a bit daunting, I even had trouble coming back here LOL
Author green eyed Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Hi Notadoormatanymore, hope you are coping with things. Now that you know what NC and LC are, are you doing either of them? It's REALLY hard when you still love the person and you know they love you. Hi Rubygloom, thanks for your response. I know that, on some levels, NC is the right thing to do in order to get some space and feel calmer. But when you say it will be easier for me to not know what (and who) he is doing, I can be almost 100% certain that he's lying on the sofa each evening, miserable, not speaking to anybody, grieving. Yes, even though he dumped me. Going out and picking up is just not in his nature. He's a gentle, loyal, loving man and my best friend. This is the thing I don't understand about NC. It might work if you are angry or hate the other person. If you are best friends with them, what do you do then? I am also almost 100% certain that he will find my lack of contact mystifying. He will be hurt by it, possibly annoyed, and won't understand why I'm not ringing him anymore. I just don't think he's going to 'get' the idea that you can want to get back together with someone but not speak to them in the meantime. This is why I'm thinking LC might be a better option (although I definitely agree with you that it's harder).
funkybassplayer Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 If you need to say something to someone then just say it. It may make you feel better. N/C is ok but if your being eaten up inside then tell them your thoughts otherwise it will take longer to heal. Life is too short. All this they wont respect you if you say how you feel is only if they dont care for you anyway. And even if they dont so what you got it off your chest. You will respect your self for telling the truth and that you had the guts to do it. And if they dont resepct you for saying the truth, then who wants them anyway! If its really over, what the hell do you have to lose!! In your own head you have said what you felt to the person that you wish to hear it, and it will help you move on. Ok if it opens a can of worms maybe think twice. but If you miss someone tell them.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2007 Posted June 2, 2007 I think the biggest mistake people make with NC is misinterpreting it within a given context and using it as a way to manipulate the situation. When the dumper doesn't want you back, no amount of NC, LC or any of that is going to have any effect whatsoever. The more contact you have with them, the more you are going to prolong your own pain. They will accept your contact, because there are things they like about you and enjoy being able to have. That does not, in any way, shape or form mean that they want you back. If you go to NC, they may miss those things - but they still don't want you back. If they come back to you, its to enjoy those things they miss - not an attempt to get back into a relationship with you. In a case like this one, NC isn't about 'winning him back' - its about healing and moving on without the dumper in your life.
Recommended Posts