I could use a friendly ear

[phaedrus069]

So here's the story (pardon the cliche). I've been dating a wonderful woman for the past two years. We met in graduate school and right away I liked her. I had always been a bit of a playboy (never any serious relationships, very confident and outgoing) and was reaching a point in my life where I was looking for a more mature adult relationship.

 

Before I go into more details, I should preface the following with some information about myself. I am an only child, and was raised by a single parent. My mother had a long history of health problems, and from elementary school thru college I had to help her out physically and financially. When I was 21, she passed away. Needless to say, this was the most difficult situation I'd ever faced. After she passed away, I changed into a much more outgoing person. I guess the loss of someone that close pushed me from being an introvert to a raging extrovert. I had many close friends in college, a job I loved, and a satisfying personal life.

 

When I first met my now -ex she was engaged. She was cute, in a shy/nervous sort of way, which has always been my type. She broke off her engagement (she had been dating the previous guy for several years) and started seeing another one of our coworkers. It should be said that at this point, I really didn't know her too well as I was still working on my undergraduate degree and she had just started working at on her master's degree (also worth noting is that I didn't know she was engaged or had been seeing someone else post-engagement until several months after the fact). The following semester I entered graduate school. My first semester had the exact same schedule as her's and we had many similar difficulties in our coursework. We hit it off as friends and fast-forwarding a year or so, we realized that we had feelings for each other. The start of our relationship was rocky (as she was dating someone else) but after the end of that relationship we began dating seriously.

 

From the start she was a little commitment phobic and slightly neurotic (largely stemming from anxiety issues). Since I had started graduate school after her, she graduated in June and began looking for work. We both looked for jobs, and she accepted the first offer she received in Norfolk, VA. Since I wanted to be with her, I began looking in her area. I found a cushy government job, with great pay and the opportunity to travel abroad like no other job could offer (I'm an engineer by training). I accepted and several months after she moved, I joined her in a shared apartment in a nearby city. When I first moved down, she was strangely cold. She explained that the time apart had made her feel "uncomfortable" with the commitment that sharing an apartment entails. Over a couple of months we worked through this, and were in a happy and committed relationship.

 

Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, but we loved each other. As a part of my job, which I don't particularly like, I have to have to undergo repeated types of training. The benefit of which is the high pay and ability to (in about a year) live and work abroad for several years with a stupendous living expense. As a part of my training regiment I had planned to take a two week trip to California and Denver. Since I would be gone for so long, I extended my trip and made a flight reservation from our house to Colorado, so we could spend some time together. When she arrived she was strangely cold. We slept together that night, but she did not want to cuddle or be near me. The next day, I was angry with her, but hid it under the guise of being tired from her constant kicking and prodding the previous night (true, and not a fact that we normally deal with as we have a king-size bed). The next night we slept in separate beds, largely as a consequence of my immature reaction. The following day, as we were leaving to go out I asked her why she had been so cold, as we had not seen each other for so long. She told me that the time apart had made her, again, "uncomfortable" and that she just needed space. I mentioned that next year I had planned to take a two month, required, rotation to Hawaii and was worried about the consequences if she couldn't be apart from me for a couple of weeks without changing. I got angry and told her and asked if she just wanted to break up. She said no, and said that she just needed time to adjust. After calming down and thinking things through, I asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I assumed this was an easy question, as at this point, we both were readily expressing our love for each other. She told me she had to think about it. We spent the day, amicably hiking around Colorado. When we returned to the hotel room, I asked her again and she said she didn't know. I responded by asking "How can you be in a relationship with someone, and that not be a question you can answer...I guess we're broken up then." To be honest, I was largely bluffing, since she had made it clear that she did not want to break up. She made me promise that we were not broken up, and that she needed time.

 

The next day, we flew home (separate flights due to government vs. private booking). I was delayed for several hours in between, and called her to let her know. She told me that she was considering going out with a couple of friends, but that she wanted me to call if she wasn't at home when I got back. At midnight when I finally arrived, I was a bit of a mess. Eleven hours split between an airport and a long plane ride is a long time to wonder if the person you love still feels the same about you. I came home to an empty apartment, with a strained heart, and a dead pet (my mother's cockatiel had passed away, from natural causes). I was overwhelmed, and tried calling her several times that night but too little avail. The next morning (today) she called me back, while at breakfast with her friends, and asked why I had called so many times. I calmly told her that I really needed her last night, and had been hurt by her not leaving her phone out and answering my call, as she had promised earlier. She came back soon after, and in a disturbingly nonchalant way said that it was over. She had moved on, her feelings have changed and she does not want to date me.

 

Now I'm a mess, I put a lot into this relationship, dramatically matured as a person, and have been working a job that I don't like for an opportunity for the both of us. I feel cheated, I put so much of myself into caring for this person, supporting her (which during bouts of her anxiety related depression, would often consist of talking her through deep emotional problems for several weeks in a row). I'm at a loss for what do now. I know that with relationships comes risk, and that the best thing to do is move on, but I'm unsure as to what to move on to. As we are both new to the area, I've made no close friends (everyone I work with is over fifty with kids my age). I was been okay with this, since I enjoy her company so much, and meeting people when you first leave school is difficult. Now I am torn as to what to do.

 

Most of my close friends and my pseudo-family (they lost the mother in a similar manner and the shared pain tied us closely together) live in Maine. I have an open invitation to go back and work at my previous job where I would be taking a pay down-grade (in the long term). On one hand I feel like I'm running back to home, with my tail between my legs, because I've been hurt in the way that only a bad breakup can offer. The benefit is the close friends that I can rely on. On the other, both my job's overseas opportunities and my local environment are teeming with social activities and are a much more opportune location to try and be single again. I feel like I should stay, but as I realized earlier tonight when I tried to go out, my confidence is shot. I tried to play a game of pool (something that has always relaxed me) and I trembled, lost focus and could not even maintain a conversation with a middle-aged man who I was playing against. Now, as I'm sitting in what was our apartment, waiting for her to return from again going out with friends, afraid of the moment she comes back acting nonchalantly as if we were close friends and craving to see her again.

 

I'm writing this post, partially to vent, but largely to just share what's going on in my mind. I'd appreciate any advice, particularly on dealing with an unexpected breakup when you have no choice but to be around the person for the short term. While I will be leaving to visit my friends next week, Tuesday thru Thursday are going to be very difficult, and I could use any help I could get in getting over, or even understanding what has happened.

 

Sorry for the length, but I just need to tell someone the whole story, in my own words and at my own pace. Sometimes writing a thing down, makes it that much more clearer than talking over the phone, even with those closest to you.

 

-Thanks

[phaedrus069]

She came home...well worse actually. I took our dog for a walk, and I was heading over to the grass, she came out of the downstairs neighbor's house. She told me that she is hanging out with him, and a couple of other people. I don't think that there is anything going on, but not I'm stuck at home waiting 50 feet away, torn up inside and imagining the worst. I'm tired of feeling so torn/hurt.

[mattea]

wow, phaedrus, i'm sorry although their were some rocky times, it sounds like this was largely unexpected. you must be kind of shocked and incredulous. and it doesn't really sound like from what you said she has given very clear reasons for her decision. that can be hard when you're trying to get closure and understand.

 

about you staying or going, i'm wondering if it wouldn't be better not to make that decision right away? i say that because i know when i'm going through a break up, i am sometimes tempted to do impulsive things and it's hard to really have a clear picture of what is best for *you*. i can see why it would be hard staying there with her around. if the only reason you were there was her, and your friends and support network and a good job are elsewhere... i don't see it as your "tail between your legs" to leave. i can understand feeling that way, but you've got to do what's best for you. on the other hand, it doesn't seem like you are certain that is what is best for you, and that there are some opportunities in VA that might be worth staying for.

 

i'm sure it's really hard trying to make friends when you are feeling so low. i feel for you.

 

i guess it would be a shame if you ended up kicking yourself later for leaving these opportunities for living abroad, etc. can you stay for a month or two and see how you feel then? you want to be in a position to make the decision clearly based on what is best for you, rather than being motivated by the break up. i know it's hard.

 

i will say that getting out of the shared apartment as soon as possible sounds like a good idea to me. that sounds like torture. can you move out to a short-term lease place of your own in the area, where you can take some time to decide what you want to do?

[phaedrus069]

Tonight I came home to a bit of a surprise. I've been doing pretty well with the breakup, starting to make plans and spent the evening with another couple of people who are looking to rent out a room in the area. I had made plans with my ex to go to the cell phone store and separate our cell phone plans. I hopped in the shower, and had thought I had heard her come in. When I stepped out and came down stairs I was surprised to see that her car was parked here but she was not around. I assumed she stopped in to our downstairs neighbor (he's a 40 ish year old divorcee that looks much younger). I waited about 45 minutes, but as I had plans to meet with the people renting the room at 7 was a little worried about making it to the store. I called her and heard a lot of shuffling to get to her phone and she answered. I asked if she was till on, and she said yes and came up about 5 minutes later. As I suspected she was downstairs (I was on our deck) and came up adjusting/playing with one of her earrings. We drove to the store, setup up the phone issue and came home, we spoke with each other in a friendly manner and even joked a little bit. She left for her usual Wednesday yoga class and I left to meet the other couple of people letting out a room. I ended up sitting with them (the girl was very chatty and didn't leave till about 10:45pm). When I pulled in I noticed that her car was here. When I got in the apartment, the dog was very anxious so I took her outside. The dog wanted to go over to the downstairs apartment (she usually does when my ex is there) and I noticed that the shades were wide open and the living room was lit, but nobody was there. He is the only person that she knows here, and added to the suspicion I had earlier and the darkened bedroom lights, I know have every reason to suspect that she has slept with him. My chest is vibrating and my body is shaking, not with rage but with nervous energy. I'm going to stay up and see what happens next, I'll ask her and odds are my fears are going to be realized. I guess that this is a good sign that she is not a stable person that I could have ever had in my life, but I'm still a little shocked.

 

Even more painful is that earlier I even talked with him for several moments, trying to be friendly since till now I had assumed that he was just a friendly ear for her to talk to and I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that I was a jealous/vindictive ex.

[mav100]

Dude - sounds like its nothing but toruble at this point. I'd walk away with my sanity while I still could....

[phaedrus069]

First off, I just noticed this...may have been a freudian slip

"...that I was a jealous/vindictive ex"

Except I meant to include the word "not". I was pretty wound up when I wrote the last post.

 

So, like I said above I was a little wound up last night. She came home at about 5:00 am this morning, I had gone to sleep at 1:30 ish and brought our small dog upstairs to stay the night in my room. Since the door was closed to my room, I got up and let the dog downstairs (the dog needs to be around my ex) and talked with her briefly. She was dressed casually and looked like she had been either have a rough night out (e.g. slept on someone's couch) or had been doing that other thing... I had thought, when she didn't come home that late that I might just wait for her to come back so I could see if a car dropped her off. I asked her if she slept downstairs or something, and she said no that she went out with friends.

 

Being paranoid from the recent breakup, I'll admit that all of the evidence I have was circumstantial at best. Also, without knowing if she did get dropped off, I have no way of validating what she told me. Either way I'm just going to go back to keeping an eye out. I guess, today, I'm not that concerned with either possibility. Either she did hook up with that guy, and this is just more of what has happened in her past and I should just be glad to have her out of my life, or the reasons she gave me for the breakup were valid and I can move on with a little closure.

[phaedrus069]

[sIZE=2](I wrote this prior to the events of last night but due to a lost password I'm posting it out of order)

 

I'm going to reply in two posts to Mattea since I've been using the past couple of days to think things through about both the breakup and what to do afterwards. Reading other peoples posts and taking bits and pieces from what they have said has really helped. Thinking about the relationship leading up to this last weekend, I've starting to get a clearer picture. I mentioned in my earlier post that when I first moved down there was a sharp change in our relationship. When we first got together (like many new couples I suppose) we very passionate and enjoyed being close to each other. When I moved down, it was several weeks before we began being intimate again, and we never returned to the point we were at prior to leaving school (we dated at school for about 5 months, so there had been some time for the "honeymoon" phase to wear off) I was worried about this, but since I was so hopeful about our relationship I took her word at face value. She told me that the change was largely work related, and there was plenty of evidence to support that. When she first started (while I was still in Maine and only talking to her on the phone) she would leave work and sleep as soon as she got home, it took her over two months to be able to work a normal work day without it physically (and to some extent emotionally) breaking her down. The engineering world can be very aggressive in the private sector, and she felt very drained by that.

The point I'm leading to is that, in the 2 months prior things had changed for the better. She was enjoying work more, our sex life had started to pick up again, and the tension that I had been feeling as a result of her change in behavior had finally dissipated. That's why I was so blindsided. I didn't have any real doubts at this point and I was looking forward to growing into a deeper and even more meaningful relationship. I had thought that my perseverance when things were rough had paid off, that by sticking with that person through the tough times I had made the right decision and could be in the relationship that I felt we were meant for. The hardest thing for me to understand over the last few days is how much she changed and how quickly.

The past three days, she's gone out constantly with her female friends. She used to never want to do anything social with them, because she had a fear of imposing. I always tried to convince her to do things with the people she knew, because that's how a friendship starts. She never drank during our relationship (aside from wine when I was having it and the occasional cocktail) and now she has gone out to a bar or for dinner and drinks every night (not to excess). I've used the little snippets of time to try and get closure on what happened and why. All she seems to be able communicate is that at some point she had stopped having feelings for me, and that she will never again. All of these changes really hurt, because they all came so fast. Has anyone else had a ex make changes like these after dumping you? I'd always supported her and encouraged doing more social things, so I don't think I was holding her back, but I don't understand. I'm starting to feel less and less pain over the breakup, but I'm just confused as to how things changed.

[/sIZE]

[phaedrus069]

[sIZE=2]As far as my current situation goes, I'm still unsure about where I want to end up. I have until the end of June to move somewhere. Sucking even more is that, while our original lease was set to expire in June, my ex felt that staying at our current apartment was a good idea (I wanted to move someplace less expensive). By the terms of that lease, we need to give 30 days notice (no problem) and pay 2 full months of rent for breaking the lease. That's over $2400. The only way that we can avoid that payment is if either of the following take place: (1) One person stays in the current apartment, rents out the extra room and stays through the lease or (2) One person moves to a one-bedroom in the complex (they cost ~$1000) and has to stay for a year from the move in date. She seemed to think that I would want to do this, but as I pointed out even if I decide to split the pot on the breaking of the lease it would only cost ~$1200 versus $400/mo for 12 months would be four times as much and I would be tied to the area without being able to live with anyone else. While it would be possible to rent out the upstairs bedroom, I'm hesitant to say yes (since we have to decide by Friday) since it's small, and has a large sliding wall panel. It's a perfect guest room (why we got it) but lousy for an individual to stay in. For an engineer, she didn't really understand this logic. [/sIZE]

 

[sIZE=2]That aside, I'm trying to find other people my age to move in with (preferably a larger apartment with a few different people, and not a couple) so I could start building some friendships in the area. Of the few places I found on craigslist and other websites, there are a few options. A positive, is that I feel like if I could just get around a few people with similar interests I could start having more fun and could get over this, while staying down here. Unfortunately, if I can't find compatible roommates, there aren't many options for housing. The area we live in is 99% housing complexes since they can make a ton of money off the military that live in the area temporarily. The shortest time leases they offer are 6 months and none of the complexes that I could afford a one bedroom in have less than 12 month leases. I'd recently looked for apartments (we had been planning on moving a month ago, but chose to resign the lease at our current apartment) so I'm pretty familiar with the options available in the area. I've also spoken with my former boss about opportunities in Maine and he's setting up an interview for me at my previous job and at another nearby location. Right now I'm just trying to figure out my options. It's helping keep focused on the future and not the past.[/sIZE]

 

[mattea]

hey phaedrus. i guess it's hard to say about the guy downstairs but it sounds like you've done a tremendous job of not asking too many questions even though you're wondering. i would like to think that if she was going to sleep with someone, she wouldn't do it right under your nose like that!

 

to me it sounds like she is going out with friends so much to distract herself, and maybe get out of the house since i imagine it is awkward with the two of you being in the house together. she probably doesn't really want to hang out there, and she probably wants things to take her mind off of the break up. i know you might not expect that it is hard for her if she says her feelings changed, but she still could be sad that it didn't work out and that she hurt you. when my ex and i broke up he went right out to the bar with friends, and i think spent a lot of time doing that sort of thing for awhile.

 

the stuff about the apartment and waiting it out through june makes sense. it's only one month, so even though it's hard i can see why you'd wait given the circumstances. the idea of finding roommates sounds like an excellent plan, because you'll meet people and also presumably have a month-to-month situation if you should want to leave.

 

it sounds really hard, but i also want to say that it sounds like you are handling it very well. i'm really sorry she changed so suddenly (i've had that happen to me and it was extremely shocking). the only thing i can think is that this was happening for her for awhile and she was hiding it from you. that sucks.

[phaedrus069]

"the only thing i can think is that this was happening for her for awhile and she was hiding it from you. that sucks."

 

You're right. I spoke with her a few days ago (pre-departure) and she said that her feelings had been changing and she had been confused. I'm angry that she never said anything about it, but I can understand why. Had I been in the same situation I would have held my feelings back, but what frustrates me is that now I question almost our entire relationship.

 

As I have said before, we had ups and downs. During the 11mo's we lived together I remember getting frustrated to the point of considering breaking up two to three times. I was angry at the intimacy issues we faced, and how much she had changed upon moving. When these frustrations reached a boiling point, I would sulk and she would notice the change and comment. Two of the times, we ended up talking about the problems, but she insisted that her coolness and changes where work related, I accepted and rededicated myself to working things through.

 

The last time things reached my breaking point, a friend of ours was up. I was angry, and it showed, but did not say anything. I did not want to have a scene in front of a friend that both myself and my ex had been looking forward to seeing. That night we ended up staying in and having a few drinks. My ex had more than she could hold and broke down crying, saying she knew that we were going to break up. Like the times before, her tears convinced me that she did still love me (despite all of the smaller problems we had been having) and that there was something worth working on.

 

It's so hard for me to understand when her feelings changed, and if the problems I had tried to work through were related or not. I'm glad the relationship itself is over, we both made mistakes by living together in a new area. Neither of us were happy without close friends. We should have not made that move so fast, or so early. I stayed in the relationship because, for me, this person was enough to be happy. It's person I've lost, not the situation that I miss.

 

On a side note, I'm back in Maine but it's really strange to come home. While I've stayed in contact and visited, so much has changed below the surface. My ex-wingman is in a relationship, the friend I nursed through a painful breakup is back with his ex, engaged and has bought a house. A close friend from graduate school is leaving permanently for Lebanon (of which he is a citizen). Relationship troubles aside, I'm scared for what might happen to him...

 

At this point I've reached no decisions, only doubts.