EA - I really am too old for this

[2old4this]

It may be a good idea for you to reread your own posts.

 

You are an adult with a wife you claim to love, why not act like you love her then. If your wife was acting like you, do you not think you would be hurt?

Of course, I would be hurt very much.

 

I am not a saint, I am not perfect, I am only a good person trying to remain a good person. But my strength and willpower are being tested.

 

I wish I were a better person. But so far I don't think I have anything to apologize for.

[OpenBook]

Hi 2old. The relationship that I consummated was 20 years ago, when I was in my 20's (yes, I'm too old for this too). And like you, I had known him and worked with/for him for 5+ years before "it" happened.

 

I was a single Mom with a young daughter, and he was married and also had a daughter about the same age. He'd been married for a long time, and the marriage was troubled at the time, but we never talked about it. There was a huge age difference (14 years), so I guess he thought I wouldn't understand. And he'd have been right.

 

I don't know, we just had great chemistry, and loved to "josh" each other. We were great friends. I only wish we had kept it that way.

 

It happened when we were both transferred to another state, in the middle of the transition. We had a passionate love affair for 2 months, and then he dropped me to go back to his wife.

 

A month or so after he dropped me, he met a woman on a plane (who was also married and lived VERY far away), fell in love with her, and divorced his wife.

 

It took me 2 years to get over him and move on. It wouldn't have taken so long if we hadn't worked for the same company. But I had to see him every day, and work with him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did it.

 

What caused me to do it? I was in love with him. And it was based on a solid, long-term friendship. And he was "in the process of separating from his wife" (as he explained to me). And my daughter and I were uprooted to a completely different location, so that was a factor (I was looking for some stability).

 

I was so completely wrong about what I would get out of it. Which was nothing but pain. And a lost friendship that meant a lot to me.

 

That experience taught me about Karma - what you send out, will come back at you. Big time.

 

As far as your getting a thrill out of other people noticing, I'm guessing that's pointing to the same thing - that you want validation from others that you're still hot, that you've still "got it." Unfortunately, people tend to interpret that behavior in a more negative light.

[HennyPenny]

IfWishesWereHorses - I have never heard of limerence. I'm totally fascinated. It makes so much sense to me. Thank you so much for the interesting info.

[whichwayisup]

Great post, thank you.

 

You noted that you consumated at least one relationship. I'd like to hear more about that. What caused you to do it? What were the games that were played? What were the signs that you picked up on? What were the signs that you put out there? What was the final action that caused you to go for it?

 

Could I be satisfied that she finds me attractive and enjoys my company? I think I could. I think I could. I think I could. I hope I could.

 

A funny thing about the "other people have noticed" thing. I don't know if it is done subconciously or conciously, but I get some kind of weird excitement from it; it's clear, on some level, that I want other people to notice. And to wonder about it. I know, it is so wrong, and I don't understand why I do it, I don't understand why I get this rush from it, but I do. I have been having a really hard time with this. Maybe I'm testing her to see if she moves away or shuts down? She hasn't, the closer I get, the closer she gets. But we don't touch. Except at the bar (company thing) where I kept "accidentally" brushing up against her arm.[/QUOTE]

 

Starting with what I bolded in your quote...The thing is, that behaviour and that type of flirting is so so So so SO inappropriate because you're a married man! Imagine if your wife saw you acting that way in public!

 

By flirting like that, like a 'single' man, making yourself 'look' more available than you really are is taking this to the next level - The Affair. Man, if you don't cool it and stop what you're doing, you're gonna be in tons of trouble!

 

Best thing to do for you, your marriage and your wife is to find another job and don't ever see/talk to the co-worker again.

[2old4this]

Hi 2old. The relationship that I consummated was 20 years ago, when I was in my 20's (yes, I'm too old for this too). And like you, I had known him and worked with/for him for 5+ years before "it" happened...

Thank you very, very much for your response. I read the post several times. There were several parallels to my situation that really made me think. The "joshing," the friendship, the age difference, 5+ years.

 

The only thing that I don't think is right is the suggestion that the "wanting to be noticed close to her" thing is about validation of being hot. No disrespect intended. I don't know exactly what it is all about, but I don't think it has to do with that type of vanity. But, whatever it is, it's stupid and dangerous and I know I should stop.

 

Thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

The only thing that I don't think is right is the suggestion that the "wanting to be noticed close to her" thing is about validation of being hot.

I can't remember who posted this, but I do remember someone saying that being noticed, or told how good looking you are (you as in anyone, everyone) by someone else other than your spouse IS flattering and means alot. Kind of like a parent giving compliments to their teen, after a while it doesn't mean as much, and it's better to hear it from someone else! Hope that made sense!

[4whatItsWorth]

Her husband is perfect in filling her needs, my wife is perfect in filling my needs.

 

Has she told you so? Or how do you know? If he is, then she is not interested in anything else but than to get some excitement flirting from you.

 

I doubt your poor wife are filling your needs. If she was, you would not have fantisised about another woman for the last 5 years. I find it despicable. You are a very weak person, chosen to be, if you keep defending this with "I cannot control my feelings." Perhaps you cannot control your emotions - but you can sure as hell control your lips, hands and ****. Also...you can control who you choose to fantasise about.

 

I don't think you want advice on how to work on your marriage and stop feeling things for OW. I think you want to have a physical affair with this woman, and are hoping to find a way to have your cake and eat it too.

 

My mother was married to my dad for 20 years. She never desired anybody else, but my dad did - just like you. And we all know how that ended. Good for mom she's got a decent man now.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I had two thoughts on your situation that I wanted to share. Would you put a price on your wifes, health, happiness, emotional well being? Lets say I offered you several hundred thousand dollars (what ever amount would be significant in your situation) to allow me to make your wife's life miserable. She will live but be permanently scarred and changed, her health will significanly deteriorate. At what amount of money would you sell her out? Would you even consider it? How bout your kids, parents, inlaws, siblings, and close freinds? How much for them.

 

I really wonder how valuable this "feeing", this "possibility" is to you. The problem with your fantasy is that their ARE no consequences. When you say as some point that you just want to take it day by day not think about the outcome, then you are effectively trying to trick yourself into not being responsible for the fallout or consequences. Then you can claim that it was an "accident", "unitentional". I never meant to hurt you, it was about me not you (DUH!) If you're buying it 2old, then you allowing a fantasy to cloud your common sense where your family's wellfare is at stake.

 

I want to share a conversation I had with my 10 year old. He is just home from Sunday School, sitting at the bar while I'm concentrating on something else. Hes bouncing off the walls because today we are teaching him to water ski. He says to me, my teacher said that when you sin it becomes easier each time. She said that the first time you might have to think about it, and you might feel bad after but the next time you won't think about it too much, then you stop thinking about it at all when you sin and it becomes "second nature" and you don't even feel bad about it anymore. I stopped what I was doing because I thought it was a good chance to drive a few things home. Son, anything that you practice becomes second nature, getting you to do homework as soon as you get home in the first of the year is a pain, but when you've been doing it a month you never even question it, you jump up and knock it out. Its really not just sinning that becomes second nature, anything you practice will become second nature. Then he says, " Good, that what I was wondering, so if I practice skiing, will it become second nature". (ok, and I thought we were having a deep conversation!) But I thought about that for the better part of the day. Our actions, attitudes, good or bad, become second nature as we practice them, good or bad, which means whatever might be hard to change at the moment becomes second nature after practiced.

 

There have been many posts here by men in situations like your own who have carried though, all of them say that even though it was hard the first time, it got easier and easier (some of these in multiple affairs through out the marriage). Do you want that for yourself? Acting in a way that affects others with completely no regard for the price they will unwillingly pay for your actions, for your fix? Is that who you are? Because one thing I can promise you is that... where ever you go, there you are.

 

I know that you don't want to see it, and maybe the blinders are too thick by now and its all moot, but a 5 year fantasy over another woman has hurt your marriage, probably more than you will ever know! It is a waste of time. It is also and unhealth escape. Why not see a counselor and dig deep to find out why you needed a 5 year escape or fantasy to hang onto? There's a reason 2old, find out before its 2late.

[2sunny]

I had two thoughts on your situation that I wanted to share. Would you put a price on your wifes, health, happiness, emotional well being? Lets say I offered you several hundred thousand dollars (what ever amount would be significant in your situation) to allow me to make your wife's life miserable. She will live but be permanently scarred and changed, her health will significanly deteriorate. At what amount of money would you sell her out? Would you even consider it? How bout your kids, parents, inlaws, siblings, and close freinds? How much for them.

 

I really wonder how valuable this "feeing", this "possibility" is to you. The problem with your fantasy is that their ARE no consequences. When you say as some point that you just want to take it day by day not think about the outcome, then you are effectively trying to trick yourself into not being responsible for the fallout or consequences. Then you can claim that it was an "accident", "unitentional". I never meant to hurt you, it was about me not you (DUH!) If you're buying it 2old, then you allowing a fantasy to cloud your common sense where your family's wellfare is at stake.

 

I want to share a conversation I had with my 10 year old. He is just home from Sunday School, sitting at the bar while I'm concentrating on something else. Hes bouncing off the walls because today we are teaching him to water ski. He says to me, my teacher said that when you sin it becomes easier each time. She said that the first time you might have to think about it, and you might feel bad after but the next time you won't think about it too much, then you stop thinking about it at all when you sin and it becomes "second nature" and you don't even feel bad about it anymore. I stopped what I was doing because I thought it was a good chance to drive a few things home. Son, anything that you practice becomes second nature, getting you to do homework as soon as you get home in the first of the year is a pain, but when you've been doing it a month you never even question it, you jump up and knock it out. Its really not just sinning that becomes second nature, anything you practice will become second nature. Then he says, " Good, that what I was wondering, so if I practice skiing, will it become second nature". (ok, and I thought we were having a deep conversation!) But I thought about that for the better part of the day. Our actions, attitudes, good or bad, become second nature as we practice them, good or bad, which means whatever might be hard to change at the moment becomes second nature after practiced.

 

There have been many posts here by men in situations like your own who have carried though, all of them say that even though it was hard the first time, it got easier and easier (some of these in multiple affairs through out the marriage). Do you want that for yourself? Acting in a way that affects others with completely no regard for the price they will unwillingly pay for your actions, for your fix? Is that who you are? Because one thing I can promise you is that... where ever you go, there you are.

 

I know that you don't want to see it, and maybe the blinders are too thick by now and its all moot, but a 5 year fantasy over another woman has hurt your marriage, probably more than you will ever know! It is a waste of time. It is also and unhealth escape. Why not see a counselor and dig deep to find out why you needed a 5 year escape or fantasy to hang onto? There's a reason 2old, find out before its 2late.

 

good post!

[smartgirl]

2old - reading your posts is tearing me up. As my H was nearing 50, he became infatuated with a woman he worked with, who was about 15 years younger. She was actually infatuated with him first, but that doesn't really matter. He knew how dangerous it was to act on it, but he did it anyway. The A lasted about a year and has left all our lives in ruins. All the good feelings he got from having a sexy woman wanting him and all the other thrills of the experience are gone. They had already begun to die before I found out and he felt trapped.

 

We are a year post d-day and still struggling. We love each other very much, but getting past the pain still seems impossible. We are both damaged, maybe forever. The innocence of our long relationship is gone and we will never have that back.

 

The other night he said "I had it all, and I pissed it away." You are about to do the same. I can read it in your posts. You want more than anything to hear her say the words -- that she thinks about you the way you think about her. You are very clearly obessed. The other posters are correct, you are already damaging your marriage. You are hurting your wife now with your emotional neglect. She feels it. My H never believed he was hurting me during the A. He knew better after he had returned to his right mind. He was killing our marriage with his actions and believing all the while that it was dying a natural death on it own.

 

It is a testament to the strength of our relationship and our mutual belief in redemption and second chances that allow us to continue down this road. He would give anything to go back and prevent the pain we have all endured.

 

You still have a chance. But I fear that without a great deal more conviction that you are indicating in your posts, or the help of a therapist, you are determined to keep going down this road and all the while telling yourself that you can't help it. God this makes me so sad.

[2sunny]

i agree that the whole thing is affecting your marriage - yet you are not acknowledging it.

 

my 20 year marriage ended because of similar situations my husband put himself in...

 

he had already had one hall pass at the ten year mark... only not to ever get another.

 

something suddenly seemed "off" in our perfect life... and when i started to check around - i found out that he was pursuing some young gal.

 

the locks were changed and so was life forever for all of our friends and family (which there are MANY).

 

please rethink your thoughts and position in this whole situation... remove yourself from the temptation if need be...

[capri]

I know that you don't want to see it, and maybe the blinders are too thick by now and its all moot, but a 5 year fantasy over another woman has hurt your marriage, probably more than you will ever know! It is a waste of time. It is also and unhealth escape.

 

All of this post was excellent.

 

I just want to second or third (or tenth) how much your marriage will be damaged when your wife finds out what's going on. There are no doubt lies and deceptions to your wife already. You say you have a wonderful marriage. This presumably means you love her and enjoy her love for you. I suspect you're already saying and doing plenty with this other woman that you wouldn't say and do in front of your wife. If (when) your wife finds out, she may not trust you for years. She may not feel the love for you that you now enjoy. When she finds out the first of it, are you going to lie to cover up the rest, or are you going to face the shame of admitting it all? A lousy choice, but if you lie, it will make it worse, as she digs and digs (which I can almost guarantee she will do) and finds out you've continued to lie to her.

 

I can tell you that at one point my husband had a wife who admired, respected, adored and loved him. He abused that. He didn't believe me when I warned him I'd had enough, and thought he could continue to lie. He told one lie too many, and I don't believe I will ever again feel that love for him. I enjoy his company, but at this point, I do not love him, I do not trust him, and I have ZERO respect for him. If I worked with him and know what I know about his behavior with other women, I'd probably enjoy his company and be thinking the whole time, "He can be fun to be with, but what a slime. Thank God I'm not married to him."

 

Is this what you want your wife to feel about you?

 

Is this what you want your co-workers to feel about you?

[2sunny]

just because a gal is interested in what you have going on and works with you doesn't necessarily mean she wants you to act on your inappropriate feelings for her.

 

she probably thinks - hey - i'm just here to do a job - i'll make the best of the fact that i need to be here...

[whichwayisup]

Here's a morbid thought, but hey, anything can happen in life.

 

What if something happened to your co-worker? An accident, death or cancer? HOW would you react/feel and/or DO about it? Could you continue your happy marriage? Would you feel so much loss, saddness that you would consider ending your marriage? All that energy you're pouring into that co-worker is going no-where except feeding your fantasy and making you more attached to her than your own wife.