EA - I really am too old for this

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It sounded to me like the question was more aimed at whether this woman might be interested and how he could find out with out putting himself out there. Putting on lipstick before seeing him, dressing for him. He doesn't mention though whether his wife whom he adores does those things for him.

[Mustang Sally]

2Old -

Why, exactly, do you think you are "too old?"

 

What behaviour, specifically, does this woman engage in, that makes you think she is flirting with you? And what behaviour, specifically, makes you uncertain that she is flirting with you?

 

How do you know she is in a happy, solid M?

 

I agree with the poster, above, who stated that you would likely NOT be thinking of this flirtation you are having going any farther if you were, indeed, in a happy, solid M with a spouse that you adore.

[Frances]

So I feel like I am on a journey. Not sure of the destination, not sure of the stopovers. Just waiting to see what lies ahead of me (and us).

 

 

Would you quit you job, decide to relocate, plan a family vacation, paint the house another color without considering your wife? You are about to take HER on a journey with you that will rip her life apart and change who she is forever and also her ability to love, respect and trust you. You will NEVER regain her adoration or unadultrated love. What you are feeling is not uncommon at all, it is not love, it is an emotional high. Humans are hardwired so that attraction releases hormones and neurotransmitters that are very similar to a drug induced euphoria in the way that the brain perceives them. So this becomes an addiction of sorts. Addicted to the way you "feel" when you are around her. Its not magic, it's not preordained, its no more uncommon that taking a few puffs off of a joint and feeling good.

 

You said that you adore your wife.... well you will no longer adore her, you will blame her and push her away to justify your feelings with this other woman, might even become to loathe her, all to justify what YOU know is wrong. As good as this emotional high is, the opposite is just as bad. Think of the day when you can't stand being around yourself but you can't escape YOU, so your life then becomes one big attempt to run from you, you find sollace in drugs, alcohol, chance taking, anything that will provide a short term "good feeling" no matter how detrimental you may know it will be, kind of like what your doing right now.

 

When you leave your car or your house you lock it. You do not take a chance that someone might slip in and cause unpleasantness. Everyday you leave the house and don't LOCK your marriage you allow yourself the chance to have an attraction like this with someone. So you didn't hang a sign out that said come right in the door is unlocked, you just didn't lock it and someone wandered in. The damage is the same though, invited or not.

 

Do a search on networkingman, he has a thread on here which is VERY similar to yours, he actually traveled out of town with his woman. My advice to you is to take up hanggliding or parachuting out of planes, you'll get to l ive dangerously, enjoy the thrill and your chances of survival are MUCH higher.

 

 

Take heed of all of the above. it is very good advice. I wish my h had had advice like that and not ruined what we had.

 

Does your wife know anything about this?

 

Would you like her to find out? be assured she will and if she has not already she will feel it and most likly knows something is not right.

You have no idea the hurt this causes a spouse.

 

People who play with fire not only burn themselves, they often burn the ones around them as well.

[2old4this]

I doubt he's reaching out for help... I think he just wanted comments and I doubt he reaching out for help to NOT cheat... I bet he's already went further than what he just posted.

Don't make that bet. If I tell anything other than the truth, it really can't be therapeutic for me. And, more than anything, that is what I need right now.

 

In any post I may leave out details, and I may change certain circumstances, but only to the extent necessary to keep my identity secure. I know, it's a big world, but privacy in this matter is of utmost importance to me.

[Storyrider]

How old is too old? How old are you?

[Lizzie60]

Don't make that bet. If I tell anything other than the truth, it really can't be therapeutic for me. And, more than anything, that is what I need right now.

 

In any post I may leave out details, and I may change certain circumstances, but only to the extent necessary to keep my identity secure. I know, it's a big world, but privacy in this matter is of utmost importance to me.

 

I misunderstood this part of your post:

 

There is much more for me to say, but I will save that for later.

 

Sorry about that. Well if you find this therapeutic, keep posting...

 

I had the feeling from your original post that you just wanted to share your 'excitement' and your 'lusty' feeling for this woman. I didn't get the feeling that you were trying to get 'advices' to stop seeing her or that this whole EA was making you 'unhappy'. I might be wrong...

[Lizzie60]

How old are you? I am curious to see what is too old for you.

Thanks

[2old4this]

Let me thank everybody for their posts. They have all been very thoughtful, and I appreciate that.

 

I would like to answer every single question asked, but that's hard...I'm typing away when I should be with the family. And I don't need them looking over my shoulder at this...

 

For those that have asked, let's say I'm in the ballpark of 50. And she is younger.

[IpAncA]

I wish I could say I'm not think about going further, but I honestly can't. And, really, truly, my marriage is terrific. I know, it may be hard to reconcile that, but it's my true, honest feeling. I love one person, and have a special feeling for another. Love? Infatuation? Deep emotional feelings? So much of this is just unclear.

 

IMO if your marriage is terrifice, you shouldn't even want to nor consider it.

 

I guess I just don't get it.

[2old4this]

2Old -

Why, exactly, do you think you are "too old?"

 

What behaviour, specifically, does this woman engage in, that makes you think she is flirting with you? And what behaviour, specifically, makes you uncertain that she is flirting with you?

 

How do you know she is in a happy, solid M?

 

I agree with the poster, above, who stated that you would likely NOT be thinking of this flirtation you are having going any farther if you were, indeed, in a happy, solid M with a spouse that you adore.

1. More of a figure of speech than a real sentiment. I am actually a very young "ballpark of 50." Very active athletically and otherwise. Emotionally, I'm probably around a 16 year old.

 

2. See paragraph 4 of my first post. Then see paragraph 5 of my first post.

 

3. Do I really "know"? I guess I can't say that I do with complete confidence. She appears to dote on her husband and kids, and she doesn't drop any hints suggesting otherwise. All appearances suggest so. But I guess there could be something below the surface that is yearning to come out. We'll see. Or not.

[2old4this]

IMO if your marriage is terrifice, you shouldn't even want to nor consider it.

 

I guess I just don't get it.

Join the club, I don't get it either. Believe me, I would very much like to NOT have these feelings. But you cannot control your feelings, only your actions.

[2old4this]

What do I want out of this AE?

 

It might be easier to start with what I don’t want.

I don’t want to marry her.

I don’t want to live with her.

I don’t want to break up her marriage.

I don’t want to break up my marriage.

I don’t want a full blown physical affair.

I don’t want to spend all my time covering my tracks.

I don’t want to ignore my feelings and my urges.

 

What do I want?

I want her attention.

I want to talk to her.

I want to stare at her.

I want to feel close to her.

I want to touch her.

I want her to tell me that I am special to her.

 

And maybe, just maybe, I want to kiss her.

[Frances]

Join the club, I don't get it either. Believe me, I would very much like to NOT have these feelings. But you cannot control your feelings, only your actions.

 

Sometimes by controlling our actions we can control our feelings.

 

You do not say what your wife's feelings are about all this. Women can sense if their husband is up to something. She can feel the distance creeping between them. Are you willing to risk hurting your wife to the extent you will if you continue with your fantasy world?

[silktricks]

Join the club, I don't get it either. Believe me, I would very much like to NOT have these feelings. But you cannot control your feelings, only your actions.

I have heard this so many times, and I still say, it is utter hogwash. Of course you control your feelings. Otherwise we would all be insane. (of course, maybe we are, but that's a different thread for a different time.)

 

There are many many points at which one doesn't progress. That is a control of ones feelings, not just their actions. If you (I use the universal you, not the specific you) see a person who is physically attractive to you, you may admire their physique, but you don't put yourself in the position to form an emotional attraction. That is part and parcel of controlling one's feelings.

 

If you don't open yourself up to temptation, then temptation does not come into play - does not exist if you will. That is controlling ones feelings also. Control takes many forms, and one of those forms is preemptive control if you will.

 

I am a pretty woman. Many people have told me that, so I've finally come to believe it. Yet I can honestly say that the thought of cheating on my husband has never entered my mind. That isn't only because I deeply love him, but because I am married. Therefore I am not open to being available.

 

Have I been invited to lunch by other men? Yes. Have I ever gone out to lunch with other men? No. And I work in a sector that is vastly male dominated. Allowing oneself the freedom of socializing with people of the other sex when married opens you up to the possibility of forming improper attachments.

 

Don't use the cop-out of "you can't control your emotions". Because that's all it is - a cop-out. You may not WANT to control your emotions, but unless you completely irresponsible, you most certainly CAN control them.

[IpAncA]

 

What do I want?

I want her attention.

I want to talk to her.

I want to stare at her.

I want to feel close to her.

I want to touch her.

I want her to tell me that I am special to her.

 

Do you get this from your W?

[Lizzie60]

It might be easier to start with what I don’t want.

I don’t want to marry her.

I don’t want to live with her.

I don’t want to break up her marriage.

I don’t want to break up my marriage.

I don’t want a full blown physical affair.

I don’t want to spend all my time covering my tracks.

I don’t want to ignore my feelings and my urges.

 

Exactly what I feel with my MMs... but I'm not married... and I have full blown physical affair. I don't have to cover my tracks.

 

What do I want?

I want her attention.

I want to talk to her.

I want to stare at her.

I want to feel close to her.

I want to touch her.

I want her to tell me that I am special to her.

 

Exactly what I want too...

 

I was smiling when I was reading your post... this is soooo like my last MM... he's head over heels in love with me... the only one btw who admitted being so much in love with me... and he said he just love that feeling, to be in his own 'little love bubble' thinking about me whenever he's sitting outside or when he goes to bed at night... He said he is obsessed with me... Around x-mas time, he wanted to leave his wife to come live with me... I don't want that, cause eventhough I like him very much... I don't want him full time in my life.

 

Eventhough I told him he would never get more... he said he is happy just talking to me everyday and chatting online in the evening.. and seeing me once in a while... He's satisfied with that and I am too.

 

Anyway, you reminded me of him... he feels like a teenager in love again... LOL, just like you.

[2old4this]

I have heard this so many times, and I still say, it is utter hogwash. Of course you control your feelings.

I shouldn't pretend to speak for all mankind. Let me just say that I cannot control MY feelings. And I will accept that you are able to control YOUR feelings. I'm ok with that.

 

As previously noted, this EA has been growing for 5 years. That has given me 5 years to control my feelings and make it go away. Believe me, I have tried for 5 years to eliminate this from my life. No success, but for a few sporadic moments. Then it comes back. Hard.

[2old4this]

You do not say what your wife's feelings are about all this. Women can sense if their husband is up to something. She can feel the distance creeping between them. Are you willing to risk hurting your wife to the extent you will if you continue with your fantasy world?

I simply have not looked forward. I'm sure I won't like what I see, so I am dealing with things on a day-to-day basis. And I like fantasy, it's safe.

[2old4this]

Originally Posted by 2old4this

 

What do I want?

I want her attention.

I want to talk to her.

I want to stare at her.

I want to feel close to her.

I want to touch her.

I want her to tell me that I am special to her.

 

Do you get this from your W?

Not like 20 years ago. But I accept that this comes with the territory.

[2old4this]

I won't have internet access for a few days, so please do not think I am ignoring you when I don't respond to your posts. I hope to catch up this weekend.

 

Again, thanks for your input. I know it is all coming from a good place.

[whichwayisup]

What do I want out of this AE?

 

It might be easier to start with what I don’t want.

I don’t want to marry her.

I don’t want to live with her.

I don’t want to break up her marriage.

I don’t want to break up my marriage.

I don’t want a full blown physical affair.

I don’t want to spend all my time covering my tracks.

I don’t want to ignore my feelings and my urges.

 

What do I want?

I want her attention.

I want to talk to her.

I want to stare at her.

I want to feel close to her.

I want to touch her.

I want her to tell me that I am special to her.

 

And maybe, just maybe, I want to kiss her.

 

Is possibly losing everything that you love, worth it?

 

Man, you've got a crush and if you don't stop thinking those thoughts, you WILL lose everything and hurt so many people...Including yourself.

 

I simply have not looked forward. I'm sure I won't like what I see, so I am dealing with things on a day-to-day basis. And I like fantasy, it's safe.

 

Not like 20 years ago. But I accept that this comes with the territory.

 

Fantasy and it's safe...BUT IT IS SOOOO DANGEROUS. Wish you'd open your eyes and look ahead instead of day to day.....

 

Ofcourse what you have with your wife isn't like it was at the beginning..That newness, crushy feelings, sexual intensity and desire...Why do you think you're lusting after this OW?

 

I shouldn't pretend to speak for all mankind. Let me just say that I cannot control MY feelings.

 

You say you cannot control your feelings - But if you had to, you would. Problem is, right now there are CONSQUENCES, or at best right now, you can't see the consquences of your actions and the effect it will have in your near future...

 

You CAN control your feelings, you've just chosen NOT to. You're letting your mind and your heart take over and you've allowed feelings to grow for someone else. You have enough control NOT to pursue it, let it continue to grow and get more serious. Everything that is happening now, (as soon as you were aware of the feelings) is by your own choice. NO gun is being held to your head.

[Sheba]

I think that if you get what you want;

What do I want?

I want her attention.

I want to talk to her.

I want to stare at her.

I want to feel close to her.

I want to touch her.

I want her to tell me that I am special to her.

 

And maybe, just maybe, I want to kiss her.

 

Then you risk all that you don't want:

It might be easier to start with what I don’t want.

I don’t want to marry her.

I don’t want to live with her.

I don’t want to break up her marriage.

I don’t want to break up my marriage.

I don’t want a full blown physical affair.

I don’t want to spend all my time covering my tracks.

 

Except, of course, this: I don’t want to ignore my feelings and my urges. This is what you MUST do. This is an entirely selfish "want". You must believe and trust that you will hurt many people that you say you care about if you decide to wallow in your romantic feelings and give in to your urges.

 

If you are sincere about wanting to protect your marriage, then you must remove yourself from temptation. Avoid the other woman. Become busy when she comes around your desk/office (maybe you need to call you wife right then, or one of your children?). Stay away from any situation that would involve interaction with her in isolation from others. Avoid the water cooler chit chat, the coffee machine comraderie, the message retrieving joke time.

 

I suspect that your feelings will wane after a time. Especially since the other woman will notice that you are no longer flirting back. She will get this indirect message and, hopefully, respect it and find another avenue to stroke her self esteem. Do NOT tell her that you "have feelings for her and so need to avoid her" - that is really just a disguised invitation and an excuse to tell her you want her. Do not pretend you can have a "just friends" relationship with her, it is obviously much past this point.

 

If you try hard to reduce contact with the other woman to the bare minimum absolutely required by work and still find yourself harbouring romantic feelings, perhaps you need to change jobs. Or, get divorced.

 

There is a poster on this board (my apologies, I forget who) who advises people to "live authentically". You should do this. I find it sadly comical that you avow to sincerity on this anonymous forum when you live a lie in real life.

[IpAncA]

Not like 20 years ago. But I accept that this comes with the territory.

 

Maybe this is why your looking somewhere else. If you got this from your W like u had 20 years ago, whould it make a difference?

 

Why do you accept this comes with the territory?

[Frances]

I simply have not looked forward. I'm sure I won't like what I see, so I am dealing with things on a day-to-day basis. And I like fantasy, it's safe.

 

If that is what you are doing you do not love your wife, if you do you have a funny way of showing it.

 

To live in a fantasy for five years is a bit over the top do you not think? Fantasy is not safe if you stay in it too long, it will bite you in the as;; one of these days.

[whichwayisup]

I think he's just caught up in the fantasy and crushy feelings that start off relationships...His brain is in that fog and it's obvious he's really not thinking clearly.

 

Just hope he really takes the time to read (and re-read) all the replies so he can stop himself from making the biggest mistake of his life.