EA - I really am too old for this

[2old4this]

Yes, I am too old for this.

 

Emotional Affair.

 

I have been attracted to a co-worker for a long time now. Looking back, it surprises me that this is about 5 years in the making. I actually worked with this woman for many years before that with no special feelings at all. It just crept up on me, slowly, like a snowball that grows into a snowman.

 

I am now at the stage where I am wondering whether my feelings are being reciprocated. You would think it would be obvious, but not to me. I look for clues, and I have seen enough to give me confidence. She spends way too much time talking to me at work. I get the strong impression that she dresses special for me. She fixes her lipstick before she comes to talk to me. I stare into her eyes a little too long, and she stares right back. Her mood is always extreme when we talk, either very happy or very mad or very sad. We go to lunch and we sit a little too close, violating each other’s personal space. But I always make sure that there is at least one other person with us.

 

But we don’t talk outside of work. We don’t touch. We don’t complain about our spouses to each other. Indeed, we are both in good, solid marriages. We adore our spouses and our children.

 

So I feel like I am on a journey. Not sure of the destination, not sure of the stopovers. Just waiting to see what lies ahead of me (and us). It could be that I see something there that she doesn’t. That could be very, very embarrassing, but I guess better than ruining a bunch of lives.

 

Thank you for reading. Please feel free to comment, I have a thick skin so don’t hold back. There is much more for me to say, but I will save that for later. Writing this is therapeutic, so I hope to follow this post up with more. It’s cheaper than seeing a therapist, so thanks for listening.

[IpAncA]

It’s cheaper than seeing a therapist, so thanks for listening.

 

Hey don't give people here ideas, LOL!!! I don't want to be charged 1.00 evertime I click on a thread or 0.50 cents per post. LOL!!!

 

As for an EA, your never too old.

 

As for my comments your going down a dangerous road. Also I don't like the sound of this below. Please tell me your not thinking about anything or even considering it.

 

If so then your marriage isn't all solid and dandy.

 

Just waiting to see what lies ahead of me (and us).

[Curmudgeon]

Please feel free to comment, I have a thick skin so don’t hold back.

 

I never hold back.

 

Don't fish in the company pond!

 

Neither marriage is solid given the behavior of the two of you. Both are on very shaky foundations right now.

[Lizzie60]

I think that you both enjoy flirting with each other... you're having fun... and no one wants to make the first move... you both might be too scared of getting into something you might regret.

 

You said you both have a solid marriage... so why 'feed' something that can eventually ruin what you have?

 

I know this is a lot of fun...but it can also be a lot of pain it you act upon this 'flirt'.

 

Anyway...if you think you're too old for an EA...then I only can figure that you're old enough to know what's good for you and what can be potentially harmful.

 

I think you know the answer.

[2old4this]

As for my comments your going down a dangerous road. Also I don't like the sound of this below. Please tell me your not thinking about anything or even considering it.

 

If so then your marriage isn't all solid and dandy.

 

Quote:

Just waiting to see what lies ahead of me (and us).

I wish I could say I'm not think about going further, but I honestly can't. And, really, truly, my marriage is terrific. I know, it may be hard to reconcile that, but it's my true, honest feeling. I love one person, and have a special feeling for another. Love? Infatuation? Deep emotional feelings? So much of this is just unclear.

[2old4this]

Don't fish in the company pond!

Excellent advice. The problem is you can't help who you fall in love with.

[2old4this]

I think that you both enjoy flirting with each other... you're having fun... and no one wants to make the first move... you both might be too scared of getting into something you might regret.

I think you nailed it. I am not a natural flirt, but she brings it out of me. Compliments about her hair and her clothes, telling her how smart she is, lots of teasing like I when I was in 8th grade.

 

And I am scared. And I presume she is too, but that is still unclear at this time. I am still trying to root out her true feelings toward me without saying something that I can never take back.

 

This is a mystery, I am waiting to see how it plays out.

 

And, heck, I just love spending time with her.

[NearlyThere]

I think you nailed it. I am not a natural flirt, but she brings it out of me. Compliments about her hair and her clothes, telling her how smart she is, lots of teasing like I when I was in 8th grade.

 

And I am scared. And I presume she is too, but that is still unclear at this time. I am still trying to root out her true feelings toward me without saying something that I can never take back.

 

This is a mystery, I am waiting to see how it plays out.

 

And, heck, I just love spending time with her.

 

I don't very often venture into this forum for obvious reasons, however, I will say, this is what the MM I am seeing said to me, 18 months later we are embroiled in an A where either 1, 2 or a lot of people are going to get hurt. Do not pursue it, really, dont. You dont say if she is returning this ego stroking/flirting with you, if she is I would take this as a pretty good indication she is interested. Stop the flirting, keep it professional, you really dont want to go there. Also think about what will happen to you both career wise, during the A or when it is over, especially if you use company property of any sort to communicate.

[silktricks]

The problem is you can't help who you fall in love with.

 

This is such complete hogwash. Of course you can help who you fall in love with AND where you fall in love.

 

On top of that you are MARRIED. That alone should keep you from even contemplating "falling in love".

[silktricks]

Do not pursue it, really, dont. You dont say if she is returning this ego stroking/flirting with you, if she is I would take this as a pretty good indication she is interested. Stop the flirting, keep it professional, you really dont want to go there. Also think about what will happen to you both career wise, during the A or when it is over, especially if you use company property of any sort to communicate.

 

Excellent advice NT--on all levels. And it does sound like ego stroking is exactly what this is. Probably for both of them.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So I feel like I am on a journey. Not sure of the destination, not sure of the stopovers. Just waiting to see what lies ahead of me (and us).

 

 

Would you quit you job, decide to relocate, plan a family vacation, paint the house another color without considering your wife? You are about to take HER on a journey with you that will rip her life apart and change who she is forever and also her ability to love, respect and trust you. You will NEVER regain her adoration or unadultrated love. What you are feeling is not uncommon at all, it is not love, it is an emotional high. Humans are hardwired so that attraction releases hormones and neurotransmitters that are very similar to a drug induced euphoria in the way that the brain perceives them. So this becomes an addiction of sorts. Addicted to the way you "feel" when you are around her. Its not magic, it's not preordained, its no more uncommon that taking a few puffs off of a joint and feeling good.

 

You said that you adore your wife.... well you will no longer adore her, you will blame her and push her away to justify your feelings with this other woman, might even become to loathe her, all to justify what YOU know is wrong. As good as this emotional high is, the opposite is just as bad. Think of the day when you can't stand being around yourself but you can't escape YOU, so your life then becomes one big attempt to run from you, you find sollace in drugs, alcohol, chance taking, anything that will provide a short term "good feeling" no matter how detrimental you may know it will be, kind of like what your doing right now.

 

When you leave your car or your house you lock it. You do not take a chance that someone might slip in and cause unpleasantness. Everyday you leave the house and don't LOCK your marriage you allow yourself the chance to have an attraction like this with someone. So you didn't hang a sign out that said come right in the door is unlocked, you just didn't lock it and someone wandered in. The damage is the same though, invited or not.

 

Do a search on networkingman, he has a thread on here which is VERY similar to yours, he actually traveled out of town with his woman. My advice to you is to take up hanggliding or parachuting out of planes, you'll get to l ive dangerously, enjoy the thrill and your chances of survival are MUCH higher.

[2sunny]

You need to pull WAY back. DO NOT go to lunch with her anymore. You continue to set yourself up to make a move on her.

 

You are both married. If you want to see how this plays out - then do the right thing and divorce your wife BEFORE you spend any more time with this gal.

 

How would you feel if your wife was contemplating or acting upon the same thing you are? That answer should solve your dilemna.

[whichwayisup]

I am now at the stage where I am wondering whether my feelings are being reciprocated.

 

Do yourself a big favour, do NOT have that conversation with your co-worker. If you do, it will ruin your life. Don't cross the lines, and don't put yourself IN that situation. Think of your wife, your vows, your family, children if you have any....Everything that you know and love will change. Is this 'friendship' with the co-worker worth it? Think long term, not short term, in the heat of the moment. Your decision WILL affect more than just yourself.

 

I wish I could say I'm not think about going further, but I honestly can't. And, really, truly, my marriage is terrific. I know, it may be hard to reconcile that, but it's my true, honest feeling. I love one person, and have a special feeling for another. Love? Infatuation? Deep emotional feelings? So much of this is just unclear.

 

You need to close the door and throw away the key, if you don't, you'll be posting here about how much you want your OW (co-worker) yet you love your wife and don't want to lose her and the marriage. You can't have it both ways....It won't work.

 

Excellent advice. The problem is you can't help who you fall in love with.

 

But you can control what you do about it. And how you react to it.

 

I think you nailed it. I am not a natural flirt, but she brings it out of me. Compliments about her hair and her clothes, telling her how smart she is, lots of teasing like I when I was in 8th grade.

 

And I am scared. And I presume she is too, but that is still unclear at this time. I am still trying to root out her true feelings toward me without saying something that I can never take back.

 

This is a mystery, I am waiting to see how it plays out.

 

And, heck, I just love spending time with her.

 

If you want to open that door, just be prepared for your marriage to go down the toilet. You say you have a good marriage, yet you're wasting energy on trying to make a 'friendship' with another woman. It may bring pleasure to you, but it will turn into a cancer when it comes to your marriage. Don't think "ME", think "WE" as in you and your wife. NO good can come of this friendship with your co-worker....None. Take some time to read some posts in the OW/OM forum, and more in this section, about betrayed spouses and their pain.....Might open your eyes and make you THINK, before choosing to cross the lines with your co-worker...Think of your wife and her feelings. I mean, how would you feel if she had a very close male friend at work, who she flirted with, had feelings for and was opening the door a crack...I doubt you'd think it was good for your marriage...All it does is lead to other things by allowing those inappropriate talks, looks, little touches that you think are 'innocent' grow into something more, next thing you know you're smack in the middle of an affair..

[directx]

I'm going to suggest something out of the norm:

Get closer to this woman and learn as much as you can about her!

 

I'm not saying get 'touchy-feely' and set up hotel appointments.

I'm saying there might be some fantasy built in here, and you may need to dispell it.

How well do you know her? What are her likes, dislikes, hobbies, b-day, etc.

[2sunny]

as far as your original title "I am too old for this"

 

age is NOT the issue. i would find it unacceptable thoughts for a married man/woman no matter what the age.

 

it is your conscience that has to live with your actions.... i personally find it easier to look myself in the mirror when i stay on track and do the right thing.

[Lizzie60]

that no matter what 'advices' we'll give him... it won't be taken into consideration and, in a way, I can't blame him... It is only human nature to crave for 'attention and love'

 

and I believe him when he says he adore his wife and children... this is quite common actually.

[whichwayisup]

It is only human nature to crave for 'attention and love'

 

But he should be getting that from his wife, not from another woman. He says his marriage is good, so if he's enjoying the attention from the co-worker, it's just about HIM and his needs. It's selfish.

 

and I believe him when he says he adore his wife and children... this is quite common actually.

 

I do too, but his actions are not showing he adores his wife and children...To choose to get emotionally attached and involved with another woman while he's married is just plain stupid and asking for trouble.

[Lizzie60]

But he should be getting that from his wife, not from another woman. He says his marriage is good, so if he's enjoying the attention from the co-worker, it's just about HIM and his needs. It's selfish.

 

 

 

I do too, but his actions are not showing he adores his wife and children...To choose to get emotionally attached and involved with another woman while he's married is just plain stupid and asking for trouble.

 

I know all that but in real life...it's not that easy. Flirting and 'attention' from other people are waayyyy more exciting... you got to admit that!

 

If he gets involved and eventually get hurt, that would be his problem... I think he knows very well what he's getting into.... but he's kind of 'addicted' to her.

[2sunny]

L60 -

 

I have to say - I find it difficult when I read your posts that justify or make an affair just fine...

 

Not picking a fight - I just find it almost painful the way you encourage bad behavior as acceptable.

[Lizzie60]

L60 -

 

I have to say - I find it difficult when I read your posts that justify or make an affair just fine...

 

Not picking a fight - I just find it almost painful the way you encourage bad behavior as acceptable.

 

could you please copy and paste what I wrote about 'encouraging' him to have an affair with her.

 

Most of the time I 'discourage' the A... you need to get up to date with my posts my dear.

[2sunny]

could you please copy and paste what I wrote about 'encouraging' him to have an affair with her.

 

Most of the time I 'discourage' the A... you need to get up to date with my posts my dear.

 

i am not a gal that will sit here and justify my side like you want me to - i have seen enough of your posts to understand your "perspective" about marriage and relationships.

 

the key word in your post is MOST.

 

how many times have you been married L60 - and for how long? do you truly understand about committment and long term goals with another man? from your posts - i think most of your relationships (long or short) were disappointing to you. i wouldn't want to encourage that attitude to carry over to a man that is reaching out for help to NOT cheat when he wants to...

 

i am just trying to keep a man on the right path for his marital vows... that's all.

[Lizzie60]

i am not a gal that will sit here and justify my side like you want me to - i have seen enough of your posts to understand your "perspective" about marriage and relationships.

 

the key word in your post is MOST.

 

how many times have you been married L60 - and for how long? do you truly understand about committment and long term goals with another man? from your posts - i think most of your relationships (long or short) were disappointing to you. i wouldn't want to encourage that attitude to carry over to a man that is reaching out for help to NOT cheat when he wants to...

 

i am just trying to keep a man on the right path for his marital vows... that's all.

 

Well, in this case, it's about this guy and you assumed that I was encouraging him... every situation is different, in some cases, i might encourage the person... it's not 'same size fits all' situations for me... each case is different.

 

how many times have you been married L60 - and for how long?

 

I have never married, I am against marriage... I think it's a waste of money for a piece of paper... unless there is a financial benefit to it.. I really don't see any benefits to marriage.

 

I was in 2 long common-law relationships (which is, by law, the same thing) the first one lasted 18 years (and 9 years prior as the OW) so a total of 27 years with him... then after a year being separated I met my 2nd ex... we lived 5 years together.

 

None of my relationships were dramatic.. never been abused... or cheated (not that I know of anyway)... I still have an amazing 'friendship' with both... still have sex from time to time with my 2nd ex... (he's getting married this July so I haven't seen him for over 6 months, I think he's scared of me.but that's another story).

 

do you truly understand about committment and long term goals with another man?

 

Of course I do..but I also am realistic about long term relationships... I just don't believe in life-long commitment... and love till death do us part... It's all BS for me.

 

from your posts - i think most of your relationships (long or short) were disappointing to you.

 

Not at all.

 

i wouldn't want to encourage that attitude to carry over to a man that is reaching out for help to NOT cheat when he wants to...

 

I doubt he's reaching out for help... I think he just wanted comments and I doubt he reaching out for help to NOT cheat... I bet he's already went further than what he just posted.

 

i am just trying to keep a man on the right path for his marital vows... that's all.

 

Good luck! I am not a good samaritain. I just don't have a 'missionary soul'.

[2sunny]

Good luck! I am not a good samaritain. I just don't have a 'missionary soul'.

 

 

i am not quite sure why you would feel happy about this comment.. it is beyond my realm of thinking...

[whichwayisup]

it won't be taken into consideration

 

If that was the case, then why did he come and post here? If he wasn't going to take anyone's advice into consideration, then why bother? I think he wants and needs to be talked out of making a choice that could possibly send him into an affair, ruining his marriage, and hurting his wife so badly. He just needs to stop and think about it all and take the blinders off...

 

I know all that but in real life...it's not that easy. Flirting and 'attention' from other people are waayyyy more exciting... you got to admit that!

 

If he gets involved and eventually get hurt, that would be his problem... I think he knows very well what he's getting into.... but he's kind of 'addicted' to her.

 

If he gets hurt, yes, it's his own doing, but his wife doesn't deserve to be hurt by his selfish choices and actions. And, like any other addiction/habit, it CAN be broken. He just has to focus his energy into his marriage and NOT the OW.

 

Yeah, we all love attention, flirting and fun, those quick pick-me-up's make one's day fun and puts a smile on the face...That's okay. But in his situation he has feelings for the co-worker and is sexually attracted to her. The flirting is NOT innocent and harmless flirting...It's leading somewhere. BIG difference between fun flirting and intentional flirting.

[Lizzie60]

If that was the case, then why did he come and post here? If he wasn't going to take anyone's advice into consideration, then why bother? I think he wants and needs to be talked out of making a choice that could possibly send him into an affair, ruining his marriage, and hurting his wife so badly. He just needs to stop and think about it all and take the blinders off...

 

 

 

If he gets hurt, yes, it's his own doing, but his wife doesn't deserve to be hurt by his selfish choices and actions. And, like any other addiction/habit, it CAN be broken. He just has to focus his energy into his marriage and NOT the OW.

 

Yeah, we all love attention, flirting and fun, those quick pick-me-up's make one's day fun and puts a smile on the face...That's okay. But in his situation he has feelings for the co-worker and is sexually attracted to her. The flirting is NOT innocent and harmless flirting...It's leading somewhere. BIG difference between fun flirting and intentional flirting.

 

then why did he come and post here? If he wasn't going to take anyone's advice into consideration, then why bother

 

I didn't read that he wanted some advices... he said 'feel free to comment' there a huge difference... I don't feel that he wants to stop it... because since he is alone in this...he just felt the overwhelming feeling to share his 'excitement'. I might be wrong but that's how I understood his post.

 

How can his wife be hurt... I'm sure she has absolutely no clue about this....

 

like any other addiction/habit, it CAN be broken.

 

I totally agree with you ALL addictions can be broken... but only when the person wants to break his addiction... I don't think he's ready for that yet.