When is enough, enough?

[Jane Deau]

I have been married for 16 years and in the relationship for a total of 18 years. I admit to being a doormat, not knowing how to set and enforce boundaries, and as I realize now, hurting myself emotionally for his sake. Most of our relationship revolved around him and his needs, and he seemed oblivious to the idea that I had/have feelings and needs.

 

He has had drinking and drug issues from the beginning. 7 years ago he was in a near fatal car accident while extremely drunk and high and ended up loosing a limb. To make a long story short he lied to me before, during and after the accident about many things. He attended counseling independently, went to AA, and we went to joint counseling. I realize now he lied to the MC. I then went to individual counseling and that helped me begin to see my doormat problem. The accident was the tip of the iceberg so to speak. Yet life went on and 7 years later he is drinking again and still being less than honest at times. Sure, he has moments of kindness. Often, however they are directly related to getting himself off the hook for another poor decision.

 

6 months ago I was hurt and going through surgery and facing a long tough recovery. How surprised I was to discover he wasn’t about to take good care of me (even though I spent many months caring for him after 2 straight weeks of being in the hospital 15 hours per day when he hurt himself) Instead he had some type of affair. I have cell phone records indicating 20-30 calls per day; he went out with her several times. Once till 3AM and lied about it. He also lied straight to my face several times all revolving around this friend. He insists it wasn’t consummated, but he lies. He also spent about 4 month afterward lashing out at me with angry words and blaming me for all this as well as lying some more. This hurt me the worst plus he wants to twist what I say.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am loosing my mind. He went so far as to refuse to make any effort to repair the relationship until he knew I was willing to give it my best effort. Needless to say I was extremely wounded by all this. He moved out for 2 months, due to my request, but is now in the basement due to finances. I view us as separated and he is supposed to move out again the beginning of June.

In the past 6 months I realized I made huge errors in the marriage and didn’t act mature because I wouldn't set boundaries, and would threaten action but not follow through, I'd cry and get depressed instead of taking charge of my life. I allowed myself to be degraded and humiliated. I didn't care for myself. I think I’m a good person with a heart of gold and loyal and trusting to a huge fault.

 

I've been reading and reading to try and grow myself up and I've attended IC. I feel used and manipulated by him, and I want a divorce (I think most of the time) but am terrified as we have 2 kids 9 and 11. I'm also in my late 40's and feel as if I have wasted my youth on a guy that doesn't really want to be with me ( he says he does but his actions do not). I don't want my daughters to model their marriages after this either. And I am so sad. He is begging me to give it another chance. He is even, all of a sudden, wearing his wedding ring which he refused to wear for the last 10 years. I don't believe a thing he says.

 

When is enough enough? Would I be a complete fool to try again? My gut says I would be a fool. I am so mixed-up!! I know you only have my side but what is going on? Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

[sumdude]

Take your time for now, as much as you feel you need. Remain detached and keep working on taking charge of your own life. Only thing he can do is try to show with consistant actions whether or not he is really serious about making changes to improve. Keep those boundaries and stay strong. If you feel that life is intolerable with him and don't have it in you to wait and see if he REALLY turns over a new leaf then you have to make a decision. There's a sister program to AA called Alanon for family of alcoholics, perhaps you could look into it.

 

I went through a period where I lost control of my drinking .. I was never dishonest , mean or anything. In my case I was depressed and distant. After just under two years of this my wife left me in January. I have been stone sober since a few days before her move. Thing is, she simply won't trust me anymore ... so it's apparently over between us.

[anna13]

enough is enough when all you can think of is the pain he gave you . and no , you did not waste your life . this is your life , the happiest parts of your life dont happen only before you are 40 , your life is your life. you let him be a part of YOUR life . If anyone has wasted their life it is him .

 

Men are not the answer to life achievement .divorse from marriage is not the end of the road. he is begging you ? of course he is , he knows you are done with him . let him go already . you gave him alot of opportunity that he seems to have just thrown back in your face. his problems are not yours. dont try to fix things for him , your not his mom . you are a person and he is a person , he is making his choices, he did and this is the consequence. You deserve a happy life and I dont mean another man , i mean a happy life without the resposibility of taking care of this adult male who has been acting like a troubled teenager all these years.

 

what is important here is you and your kids. you might have to downgrade your home or car or whatnot but it is not imposible. divorse just means you are not married to him anymore, it doesnt mean that your kids dont have a father anymore, doesnt sound like they did anyway . and it doesnt mean that your life was wasted. life is life . . it is good and bad , ye syou spent years with this man . so what , that doesnt mean you should stay with him . happiness is not being married. happiness is lving the way you want to , feeling the way you want to. dont let him guilt you into making yourself his victim again . hang in there .