My girlfriend is so spoiled and won't let me work

[Vertex]

My girlfriend and I both work at the same job (a summer job at college), which requires one to be present in the work facility (which is in the same building that we live in).

 

Now, we come from very different families. I have to pay my own tuition, expenses, etc, everything. She, however, has never paid for her own stuff ever. She has no idea what things cost. When she buys things she simply uses her parents' credit card while I use my own savings from work.

 

She doesn't understand that I have to work to earn money! But she constantly wants me to spend time with her to the point where I am spending more than I am earning. Every time I want to work some extra hours she gets furious and says I should spend more time with her. The thing is, we spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT together. Since we work the same job, I literally see her every second of the day. When we finish work, we have many hours to do whatever else we'd like.

 

However, I feel that she is being very selfish with time. I can't afford to give up time and money like this when my expenses are so high. There have been many times I've given up going to work because my girlfriend doesn't want me to and would rather spend quality time together, but it's getting to the point now where it is ridiculous. I need money to spend money. I don't have the luxury of spending someone else's money like she does.

[quankanne]

There have been many times I've given up going to work because my girlfriend doesn't want me to and would rather spend quality time together

 

ooh, that is HUGE deal-breaker for me – I'm not here for someone's sole entertainment. Not unless they plan to pay me big bucks for just sitting around, lol.

 

seriously, though, your girlfriend has a bit of a control problem as well as no clue about how the other half lives. You are going to have to set matters straight as to what you can and cannot do, especially in light of the fact that you must earn your money (unlike her). If she has a hissy, let her – she'll get over it. Your work comes first when it's a true matter of livelihood.

[corazoncito]

The thing is, we spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT together. Since we work the same job, I literally see her every second of the day.

 

There have been many times I've given up going to work because my girlfriend doesn't want me to and would rather spend quality time together, but it's getting to the point now where it is ridiculous.

 

This is not a good idea in any relationship. When you spend every moment together, it's no longer "quality time". I mean, what do you have to talk about? Or does she just talk at you?

 

You sound like you're both young, so this may be the first time she's heard anyone tell her "no" (especially since it sounds like her mom and dad haven't). But you need to gently but firmly to tell her that you have to pay your bills to live, and thus you have to work a minimum number of hours a week. And then don't change your work schedule for her. She needs to learn to take it or leave it.

[alphamale]

why don't you marry her? then you can spend her daddy's money also.

[polywog]

why don't you marry her? then you can spend her daddy's money also.

 

I hate to admit it, but I had the same thought .

 

But in any case, the "joined at the hip" thing is a big no-no to a healthy relationship, and as far as the money thing goes, if it's going to be a healthy relationship she needs to open her eyes and see what You want and need to do.

[Vertex]

Thing is, if I try to spend time away from her, she gets pissed. "Why don't you want to spend time with me?!", etc. It's like she is unable to be alone for a second. If she wants to get something from the store, she gets angry if I don't feel like tagging along for once. Even if it's something simple like going to her room to pick up some CD's, she wants me to come with her. I have no time of my own, and she likes to call me boring because I won't "suggest new things" to do all the time, despite the fact that I've exhausted about every option I can think of.

 

I can't sit around and entertain her 24/7. I have work that I must do. Apparently any hours or time I sacrifice is not enough for her. She just cannot seem to grasp the fact that I spend my own money. If I could spend someone else's money like that, I wouldn't have the least bit of stress at all! I'd be in heaven! I could buy food and clothes and whatever I wanted at my own leisure like she can, but the truth is, I cannot do this.

 

I don't know why she is getting so upset over the simple logic of the fact that I spend my own money, and that I have to earn more than I spend. It's driving me insane.

 

Any time I spend at work, she constantly nags at me: "Ungh I KNEW you would do this once work began. You're gonna spend all your time HERE again, aren't you? Is it so fscking hard to spend some time with your girlfriend for once!?" despite the fact that I actually spend most of my time WITH her and AWAY from work.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Have you told her everything you've told us, specifically about the way you feel? You're being more than reasonable.

 

If you haven't, you need to tell her.

 

If you have, you guys might be incompatible.

[annabelle75]

This whole situation is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not healthy. You cannot be her sole source of entertainment. And her constant emotional blackmail over spending time with her is sooooooooooo wrong.

 

She will keep doing it as long as you let her get away with it. Tell her NO. If she gets mad, then too bad. You can't let her get away with being a spoiled little brat. She knows that you need the money that earn. She's not dumb. She just doesn't care. She wants what makes her happy.

 

In the real world, people have to work to make money to live. Its time she learned that lesson. Stop giving in to her tantrums and guilt trips. You are trying to be responsible. Don't let her stop you or make you feel bad about it.

[Vertex]

I've told her everything I've told you guys.

 

She usually likes to bring up the fact that "her dad always spent his time working and was never around for the wife and kids," or that "a true man realizes what matters in life is not money" and other things of this nature that essentially summarize to "money is not important, the people you're with are," which I fully empathize and agree with. The people you are with are important. I try to allocate my time such that I am not neglecting the people that matter in my life.

 

The fact is, though, I need money to survive. I feel that I've been more than reasonable when it comes to spending time with her and sacrificing work time. But I simply cannot afford this. She does not understand that higher spending + lower earning = losing money altogether.

 

She gets upset when I say "I can't afford to do this/do that today," because I'm just a college student and I have to work to make ends meet. I have a lot of responsibilities and obligations, and I feel upset at the fact that she's constantly trying to pry me away from these things and making me feel bad about working.

 

I don't know how to tell her what I am getting at without being mean. I want to spend time with my girlfriend. I love spending time with her -- she means lots to me. But her notion of money makes me sick. If I want to spend money, I need to earn money. Unless she's willing to buy everything for me, I have to actually make the money I spend. And this includes going to work.

 

I am not lucky like she is where I have my undergraduate education paid for and a nice shiny credit card to use at a whim's notice. Everything I want I have to earn. She won't accept the fact that I can't keep up with someone with her lifestyle habits.

[Diamonds&Rust]

You don't need to keep justifying/explaining yourself to us, you make perfect sense.

 

I've told her everything I've told you guys.

 

She usually likes to bring up the fact that "her dad always spent his time working and was never around for the wife and kids," or that "a true man realizes what matters in life is not money" and other things of this nature that essentially summarize to "money is not important, the people you're with are," which I fully empathize and agree with.

 

This is not empathy on your part, because she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

 

Often people who say that money isn't important are people who have it.

 

Her dad spent his time working so that she can spend time now, not working. It's true that money isn't the most important thing, but people who don't know the value of working for their own money miss out on a lot.

 

I feel that I've been more than reasonable when it comes to spending time with her and sacrificing work time.

 

You've been less than reasonable. You've been foolish, and she's insatiable.

 

She has two problems. One, she's spoiled, and such a severe case of it that she doesn't understand that the way the world works for her isn't the way it works for nearly everyone else. Two, she needs too much attention. Even when you do have free time, it's not healthy to spend *all* of it with her--trust me, I've done this, it doesn't work out.

 

Sadly, if you've told her what you've told us, and she still doesn't get it, then there might not be a solution to your problem.

[Vertex]

Is there any way to get this through to her without damaging the relationship? I've said all this so far and she usually retorts with the "people are more important than money" argument. Is there another way to make this easier for her to understand?

[norajane]

Dude, print out a spreadsheet itemizing your expenses for 3 months, and your income. And then show it to her and ask her to explain how you can pay your rent, your bills, your car, gas, insurance, school, food, and entertainment expenses if you don't work.

 

She's probably never seen a budget in her whole life, much less managed to one. Show her the numbers.

 

But the others are right - she wants to spend wayyyy too much time with you. Doesn't she have other friends?

[annabelle75]

Tell her you can no longer to date her if things remain as they are. That will snap her out of it.

[IpAncA]

She usually likes to bring up the fact that "her dad always spent his time working and was never around for the wife and kids," or that "a true man realizes what matters in life is not money"

 

This is some of the reason she wants you around. She doesn't want it to happen again.

 

As for the rest of this, she's living in fantsay land and apparently is unable to understand you and your situation.

 

Sure there's more to life then money but if you don't have money well there goes the things you have. And yes it's easier for her to say this because she doesn't have to worry about it. She doesn't care.

 

You both come from two completely different worlds and unless she knocks it off, there's not much that can be done.

 

She has two problems. One, she's spoiled, and such a severe case of it that she doesn't understand that the way the world works for her isn't the way it works for nearly everyone else. Two, she needs too much attention. Even when you do have free time, it's not healthy to spend *all* of it with her--trust me, I've done this, it doesn't work out.

 

Oh yeah I agree with this.

 

I could never see myself spending so much time with my SO. Wow! I'd go nuts. Nothing personal but you can't spend every waking hour with someone and expect everything to be peachy. And to make it worse you work with her so again no away time.

 

Now if you start saying "NO," or going against her, she'll probably have fits. But oh well...like other's said, she'll get over it. I'm guessing she's use to getting whatever she wants. We'll someone needs a wake up call because a relationship doesn't work like that. A healthy one that is.

 

As for what to do, I'd make her understand. Lay it all out for her and see what happends.

 

Anyhow good luck because you'll need it for someone who's self-centered and selfish.

[justpassingthrough]

I say you need to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life because Princess is just NOT getting it, no matter how rationally you try to explain it to her. What are you going to do when she WANTS that McMansion she believes she's entitled to, yet if you leave her to go earn it you're shorting her on "time together"? Try to get a vision of what your future will be together, and you'll likely find your own answers.

[Diamonds&Rust]

Is there any way to get this through to her without damaging the relationship?

Your relationship already has serious problems.

 

She needs to let you go to work, hang out with other people, and otherwise live within your means. Otherwise, you're just letting her control you, and in spite of what she says about people being more important than money, the fact that she HAS money is what makes her think this is okay.

I've said all this so far and she usually retorts with the "people are more important than money" argument.

Explain to her that working isn't just a means to an end. You're a better person because you work for your money, trust me.

 

You seem like a pushover. Have you really stayed home from work because she needed attention? I couldn't even get my parents to do that when I was four.

Is there another way to make this easier for her to understand?

I have a hard time believing she doesn't understand you. She's trying to manipulate you by pretending not to understand.

 

You can't make your position easier to understand.

[quankanne]

if she's not going to listen to you now – and I think you've presented your case in a reasonable, non-threatening way – maybe it's time to flat point out the ugly truth that she's being an attention hog in the worst way possible, and at the worst times possible. That you work because you don't exactly have the kind of disposable income that she enjoys, and that spending time apart is healthy for a relationship.

 

again, if she doesn't like it, she'll get over it. Frankly, I dont' think anyone has ever told your princess "no."

[alphamale]

well VERTEX i hope you're going into law or medicine cause your high maintenance girlfriend is going to need substantial financial resources when you two get married. Instead of her using dads credit cards she'll be using yours (and she still won't be working)

[IpAncA]

Frankly, I dont' think anyone has ever told your princess "no."

 

I bet seeing her have a temper tantrom would be funny.

 

But I have a question, why is she working? There's no need to unless she's doing just to be near you.

[Vertex]

Yeah, saying no to her causes lots of issues. I am finally spending some time working by myself -- I simply told her that she needed to cool it and let me do what I needed to do. She doesn't need me to make a three-ring circus to entertain her on a day-to-day basis.

 

I think she is pissed off but I will update.

 

 

 

On another note, do any of you feel it is possible to understand money if you have never worked for it? It seems like most of the people that "get the idea" are the people who work. Those who have everything handed to them tend to be uninformed about the true cost of things as well as how to efficiently balance work and leisure. What do you think? What is the best way to make the non-working types understand more clearly?

 

 

 

alphamale: I go to a business school, if that helps you any, haha.

IpAncA: Yep. Just to be near me. She doesn't need the work.

[IpAncA]

She's spolied...she doesn't have to understand unless she wants to.

 

I think she is pissed off but I will update.

 

If you told her that then don't back down because then she won't take you serious.

 

Geez I feel I'm talking to someone with a two year old on this. LOL!!

[Vertex]

I think I am realizing that this is one of my faults. In many of my relationships I tend to be a pushover. I bend rules and pull strings to make someone else happy at my expense, but unfortunately the other person doesn't see it this way. Being more firm is probably what I should do, but I always fear that someone will leave if I am too firm. However, I'm going to give this a shot.

[alphamale]

Being more firm is probably what I should do, but I always fear that someone will leave if I am too firm. However, I'm going to give this a shot.

actually V-man, with women the more firm you are the longer they stick around.

[Vertex]

Well I mean I have this worry that if I am too firm then she will start making new "friends" which may include some guy who also gets to use someone else's credit card, much like herself. Of course she won't say she likes him for money, but rather because "he spends more time with her." Ungh.

[monkey00]

I used to date a girl which everything was paid for by daddy, her tuition, rent, clothes, transportation, food, etc. Hell she even had a maid while growing up. She's never worked a day in her life, let alone know how to write a resume/cv.

 

Fortunately for me, I've never had to deal with the stuff you are going through. I agree with alpha, if you're going to get what you want out of life such as your job while balancing the relationship then you'll have to stand your ground. The fact that this kind of behavior is unhealthy for a relationship and she needs to get her own life in order. Although she may have the luxury not to work (which gives her too much free time), she should get friends or hobbies at the least.

 

A girl isnt going to respect you (and your needs), unless you put your foot down.