MagnoliaJane Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I was inspired to ask this question by Ariawomen's previous thread. What does it take for the heart to let go? I mean, we can reason with ourselves until we drop, we KNOW that a broken relationship is BROKEN or we can intellectually acknowledge and accept that it is OVER, but that doesn't mean at all that our heart wants to let go, even when we have let go of all hope about the former relationship. There can be this HUGE gap between our reasoning and our feelings. When does this stop? Yes, I know you're going to say time, but I think that time just suppresses feelings. I am talking here about freeing yourself from the mismatch between your own feelings and reality. There is no love anymore, or at least not the way it used to be, so why hang on to it, stay faithful to what has been lost and torment yourself with it?
johan Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 You let go when you forgive yourself for whatever failing(s) of yours you think contributed to the breakup.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 You let go when you forgive yourself for whatever failing(s) of yours you think contributed to the breakup. Johan, this makes sense to me in an intuitive way, although I do not really understand it on a cognitive level because we are all humans and nobody's perfect, and I know that, and understand, accept and forgive imperfection in others. So why would our own imperfection be se bothersome?
johan Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 When you consciously or subconsciously hold yourself responsible for the fact that your lover no longer loves you, then you replay everything over and over in your head. You try to explain it all, and you try to figure out how it wasn't so bad. You fight to save yourself from the idea that you're really unlovable. It causes you to continue reliving what you lost instead of letting it go. It keeps you from moving on to the future with confidence, because you begin to mistrust yourself. Star Gazer's thread about the firefighter is an example of this to me.
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 You let go when you forgive yourself for whatever failing(s) of yours you think contributed to the breakup. Sorry MJ, just one quick hijack. Nice sig. So management...
AriaIncognito Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Funny, Tony T inspired me to ask a question, then I inspired you to ask one. Guess we are all taking in eachother words today... It's a very good question and one I've been asking myself for a while now. In my head, I know that right now, ain't the time for he and I. Regardless of what I want, or regardless of if he contacts me or not, now is NOT the time for us because i know he is incapable of giving me what I want and moreso what i deserve in a relationship. However, my heart is like "ooo he's talking to you, he's always trying to spare your feelings..he still cares" blah blah blah. I know that a big part of letting go, is definitely NC, but well, you've done that, so that makes me say what else? I was, for the record, NC as well, but he did indeed break it, showing up to a concert I was attending (a hobby of mine that he knew of from the relationship). Since then, we've had contact but no talks of reuniting. He has told me of the fact that he is dating and whatnot and well, that is like a knife to the heart, so that's why I know I have to go back to NC as hard as it is. Anyway, good question, I wish I knew the answer. I guess we let go when we are truly ready to accept it is over, and not a second sooner. Just don't know what makes one person come to that point in 1 day and others 1 year...
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 When you consciously or subconsciously hold yourself responsible for the fact that your lover no longer loves you, then you replay everything over and over in your head. You try to explain it all, and you try to figure out how it wasn't so bad. You fight to save yourself from the idea that you're really unlovable. It causes you to continue reliving what you lost instead of letting it go. It keeps you from moving on to the future with confidence, because you begin to mistrust yourself. Star Gazer's thread about the firefighter is an example of this to me. You're giving me a lot of food for thought, Johan. Here's two more questions: 1) So does that mean we actually hang on to ourselves in a narcissistic kind of way? It isn't really about the SO, instead it's about us? 2) if we can't get over a relationship easily is that an indication that there are too many ghosts in the own closet? And, my o my, I don't know about you, but I find it hard to live my life in a perpetual peaceful bliss. I now hope I am not doomed to whine about ex-relationships for too long each time
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Anyway, good question, I wish I knew the answer. I guess we let go when we are truly ready to accept it is over, and not a second sooner. Just don't know what makes one person come to that point in 1 day and others 1 year... But I've read threads of people on LS who know that their ex-SO has now married someone else or has moved to another state, or are even in a relationship with someone else themselves.... and still come on here and declare they haven't let go of the past relationship. I presume these people must accept it's over. If your ex is married to someone else, then what are the odds that you are going to have a relationship again in the near future? So, if they accept it's over, but still come on LS with these feelings, it must mean they are still into it with their hearts....
AriaIncognito Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 For our sakes MJ, i hope neither of us are one of those that come to LS with others but secretly pining away for our lost loves....I really hope not. I don't want to be this way forever. I want to move forward somehow and find the happiness I feel I deserve.
polywog Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Dang, MJ. I am going through a particularly hard time right now letting go of my ex, who has happily (so it appears) moved on. This one is actually worse than the end of my marriage several years back, or it seems to be. I know in my head that ex was not good for me, I realize that, yet I miss him so much right now. And the life we had together. Lately for some reason I feel as if I think about him 24/7, and would love to turn off those feelings. But they're there. I can't even think about another man. It sucks. I feel as if my heart and grief are holding me captive, despite the fact that I have made real steps to move on. It's weird, isn't it? Damned heart, I hate it.
johan Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 1) So does that mean we actually hang on to ourselves in a narcissistic kind of way? It isn't really about the SO, instead it's about us? No. It means that it isn't about getting that person back. It's about proving that you can be loved. Being left by someone is so hard, because it implies you're unlovable. And it's only the person that left who can fix it. This is why getting back together is rarely satisfying, even for the person who wants it the most. Because it's really a broken relationship, and probably should end. And it wouldn't be so hard to let the other person go forever, if you could believe someone else would love you. Until you come to terms with that, it will be your ex who is on your mind the most. 2) if we can't get over a relationship easily is that an indication that there are too many ghosts in the own closet? And, my o my, I don't know about you, but I find it hard to live my life in a perpetual peaceful bliss. I now hope I am not doomed to whine about ex-relationships for too long each time You don't have to live blissfully. You just need to learn to love yourself, in spite of the fact that your ex doesn't love you anymore. Sometimes the love of another is a surrogate for the love we should really have for ourselves. It gets us off the hook for that hard work of loving ourselves. There are some people who get left or cheated on, who emerge with strength and with few regrets. Even surprisingly happily. It's not because they didn't care about their ex. It's because they have a good sense of self-worth and understand that what happened is not due to a fundamental flaw in themselves. If they are really strong, they can even understand what drove the other person to betray them. And they can forgive that person.
nittygritty Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 When you consciously or subconsciously hold yourself responsible for the fact that your lover no longer loves you, then you replay everything over and over in your head. You try to explain it all, and you try to figure out how it wasn't so bad. You fight to save yourself from the idea that you're really unlovable. It causes you to continue reliving what you lost instead of letting it go. It keeps you from moving on to the future with confidence, because you begin to mistrust yourself. Star Gazer's thread about the firefighter is an example of this to me. I agree with you to a certain extent but Star Gazer's firefighter is still in contact. I think that is what is confusing. I think my ex knows me well enough to know when I am letting go and then he does what ever he can to get in contact with me and then as soon he gets me to start thinking about him again and our relationship. He will do and say whatever he can to get me to admit I still have feelings for him and then he will reject me all over again. Okay, now I'm realizing as I am thinking and typing all of this, that you are right. I do keep thinking that I am responsible for the fact that he no longer loves me and I also keep allowing this to keep happening with him. I get it. Thank you, I have been struggling with this on and off for 2 years. Yikes!
johan Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I agree with you to a certain extent but Star Gazer's firefighter is still in contact. I think that is what is confusing. The first thing she posted after their night together was a couple of things she blamed herself for: 1) she moved to sleep with him too fast, and 2) she left her toothbrush at his place. The facts of the situation, to any objective outsider, indicate that she didn't do anything wrong in either case. She waited for a month. And the toothbrush is no big deal. Anyone else could see that the source of the problem was not hers but his. But those two things caused her to torture herself with self-blame, wondering if things would be different had she acted differently. So the thread ended up getting very long, because she repeatedly returned wondering if there might be some perfect action or some perfect words (a call, a text) that she could use to convince him that she wasn't so easy and that the toothbrush didn't mean anything. The irony is that she really doesn't know the guy well enough to know whether he's even worth the trouble. The fact is she can't possibly care that much for him. I understand how she felt completely. When I get rejected, the first thing I do is start wondering what I could have done differently. It can be the tiniest things, like a phrase I used or a shirt I wore. Things that someone who really cared for me wouldn't even notice.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Dang, MJ. I am going through a particularly hard time right now letting go of my ex, who has happily (so it appears) moved on. This one is actually worse than the end of my marriage several years back, or it seems to be. I know in my head that ex was not good for me, I realize that, yet I miss him so much right now. And the life we had together. Lately for some reason I feel as if I think about him 24/7, and would love to turn off those feelings. But they're there. I can't even think about another man. It sucks. I feel as if my heart and grief are holding me captive, despite the fact that I have made real steps to move on. It's weird, isn't it? Damned heart, I hate it. Poly, hugssss to you. Right now, all you can do is work through the grief of your loss, maybe of the grief of past losses (I do think loss can be cumulatively). Your world has been shaken, your house is no longer, and neither is the world as you have known it for 9 years. After the grieving, there will come a chance where you can gather all your strength, and start over. Build the new foundations for a new home. Is there a chance that in the future you can works towards a house with garden all for yourself? Your own private love-nature nest? I have a house like that (correct: the bank has it), and while I am not living there now, I feel like house and garden are patiently waiting there for my return (so I can be an old lady sipping wine in my garden surrounded by cats - my next to ultimate fantasy - haha). Bottom line is: try to build for yourself what you have lost through another. I'm working on taking my own advice to heart.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Because it's really a broken relationship, and probably should end. And it wouldn't be so hard to let the other person go forever, if you could believe someone else would love you. Until you come to terms with that, it will be your ex who is on your mind the most. Forgive me for my probably flawed reaction but it is not only the feeling of being loved. I know I can be loved by others. Other men have loved me before and I know someone probably will in the future. But, then again, somehow that doesn't cheer me up quite that much. In the past, I have never looked for a relationship either. But now that I've lost this last one, I just don't happen to feel so content on my own anymore in the same way, and I'm not convinced that someone else can just poor some love onto me and I'll be ok. So probably I'll just take your advice at heart and try to be more loving to myself. Best way to start, the only way there is, also (I know that on a cognitive level).
polywog Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 Poly, hugssss to you. Right now, all you can do is work through the grief of your loss, maybe of the grief of past losses (I do think loss can be cumulatively). Your world has been shaken, your house is no longer, and neither is the world as you have known it for 9 years. After the grieving, there will come a chance where you can gather all your strength, and start over. Build the new foundations for a new home. Is there a chance that in the future you can works towards a house with garden all for yourself? Your own private love-nature nest? I have a house like that (correct: the bank has it), and while I am not living there now, I feel like house and garden are patiently waiting there for my return (so I can be an old lady sipping wine in my garden surrounded by cats - my next to ultimate fantasy - haha). Bottom line is: try to build for yourself what you have lost through another. I'm working on taking my own advice to heart. MJ:love:! You get it, I love that! I plan to buy Suzy Orman's new book to overcome my fears that I can't have that. Because I think, maybe, I just can if I can learn how to get my Shyt together. The lost home is actually the hardest part, you get that
johan Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Sorry MJ, just one quick hijack. Nice sig. So management... It was for your benefit.
Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 The first thing she posted after their night together was a couple of things she blamed herself for: 1) she moved to sleep with him too fast, and 2) she left her toothbrush at his place. The facts of the situation, to any objective outsider, indicate that she didn't do anything wrong in either case. She waited for a month. And the toothbrush is no big deal. Anyone else could see that the source of the problem was not hers but his. But those two things caused her to torture herself with self-blame, wondering if things would be different had she acted differently. So the thread ended up getting very long, because she repeatedly returned wondering if there might be some perfect action or some perfect words (a call, a text) that she could use to convince him that she wasn't so easy and that the toothbrush didn't mean anything. The irony is that she really doesn't know the guy well enough to know whether he's even worth the trouble. The fact is she can't possibly care that much for him. I understand how she felt completely. When I get rejected, the first thing I do is start wondering what I could have done differently. It can be the tiniest things, like a phrase I used or a shirt I wore. Things that someone who really cared for me wouldn't even notice. I don't know why, but this post hurt me. You're so right, Johan.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I was inspired to ask this question by Ariawomen's previous thread. What does it take for the heart to let go? I mean, we can reason with ourselves until we drop, we KNOW that a broken relationship is BROKEN or we can intellectually acknowledge and accept that it is OVER, but that doesn't mean at all that our heart wants to let go, even when we have let go of all hope about the former relationship. There can be this HUGE gap between our reasoning and our feelings. When does this stop? Yes, I know you're going to say time, but I think that time just suppresses feelings. I am talking here about freeing yourself from the mismatch between your own feelings and reality. There is no love anymore, or at least not the way it used to be, so why hang on to it, stay faithful to what has been lost and torment yourself with it? Self confidence. Self respect. That's what it takes to let them go. With both, you will realize that the relationship was not meant to be and that someone better will come along. They always do
lonelybird Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Greater love will make let-it-go easier. Greater love: healing power You wish he has best You forgive him You forgive youself (actually we don't have that much power that can change a person's heart) Humble yourself. switch focus from self to others. what will benefit others? relocate your love source: find most original love source not from people who is imperfect, but from God who is perfect, and give unconditional love. and you will attract right person into your life. Peace
Living_For_Me Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I think finally letting go is one of the most difficult things one has to come across. I think a big part of letting go comes when you can picture life without them. I really thought my ex was the one and for a long time i couldn't picture my future without her. Now in the last 3 days after some real soul searching i've finally been able to picture a life without her and i can honestly admit to myself that i am much better off without her.
Mollyanna Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 What does it take for the heart to let go? Well he cancelled our plans and made me eat a plane ticket, then left town never paying back the almost $700 he owed me. Then when I turned his phone off, he figured out a way to turn it back on and made/received 142 calls in 5 days before I caught it. Today makes 4 weeks of NC and it is STILL killing me. Why? Because I am freaking lonely and when I am lonely I only think of the fun stuff we used to do together and how great it felt to be in his arms. Otherwise I am upset, pissed off at the world and angry at myself. That's no fun.. So tell me, WHAT will it take?
Teacher's Pet Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 What does it take for the heart to let go? Well he cancelled our plans and made me eat a plane ticket, then left town never paying back the almost $700 he owed me. Then when I turned his phone off, he figured out a way to turn it back on and made/received 142 calls in 5 days before I caught it. Today makes 4 weeks of NC and it is STILL killing me. Why? Because I am freaking lonely and when I am lonely I only think of the fun stuff we used to do together and how great it felt to be in his arms. Otherwise I am upset, pissed off at the world and angry at myself. That's no fun.. So tell me, WHAT will it take? A good smack in the butt. There are people out there who love you, you know that! You are kind, sweet, attractive, and a great friend. With qualities like that, the RIGHT person will appear before you know it. You just need to have faith in yourself. I know sometimes it's not easy, but deep down, you KNOW you are a great person. Just BE that great person every day of your life! Positive energy creates positive results, my gorgeous friend. -tp personal motivator.
kali420 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 This thread kind of helped me understand what I am going through. I did accept that the relationship was over. It was my heart that couldn't let go. When it seemed I was over it completely, I tended to take a step backwards. I'm having a hard time not thinking about it.
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