serial muse Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Hi SSG, just read your thread. I'm soooo sorry. Speaking as a BS, no, not all BS want to go back. And I'm not convinced, from what you've said of him and her, that he is going back for love of her - instead, I suspect he may be kind of fixated on her wanting him back. That's a powerful force, to someone whose self-esteem has suffered a massive blow from cheating: to know that the ex regrets it and knows he's better. It's huge; it seems to somehow kind of bring closure to what felt so painful and wrong, to that great betrayal; it's very seductive in a way. But it's not necessarily love. The problem is, it is his choice, even so. He's been wishy-washy and somewhat dishonest about how he feels about his separation all along - no one "suddenly" decides to get back together with their ex. In the back of his mind, I'm sure he had thought about what he would do if she came crawling back, and was always conflicted. And the fact that his daughter was crying about it doesn't help - although that whole scene also seems weird to me (any chance the exW might have planted a seed there?) Regardless, the point is, you shouldn't wait around for him. He takes a long time to make up his mind, and what you want is someone who is available to you emotionally. He isn't, and even if this reconciliation doesn't work out (which I predict it won't), he still won't be available to you for a long time. Why wait? You don't owe him anything, and you owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself. You haven't done a single thing wrong, and have nothing to feel embarrassed about, or to reproach yourself with. Let him figure himself out on his own, and move on with your life. I wish you happiness - just remember that this painful period is only temporary.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Hi SSG, just read your thread. I'm soooo sorry. Thank you. I appreciate it. Speaking as a BS, no, not all BS want to go back. And I'm not convinced, from what you've said of him and her, that he is going back for love of her - instead, I suspect he may be kind of fixated on her wanting him back. That's a powerful force, to someone whose self-esteem has suffered a massive blow from cheating: to know that the ex regrets it and knows he's better. It's huge; it seems to somehow kind of bring closure to what felt so painful and wrong, to that great betrayal; it's very seductive in a way. But it's not necessarily love. Yes, my sister voiced a similar theory. It's potentially a vindication of sorts. The problem is, it is his choice, even so. He's been wishy-washy and somewhat dishonest about how he feels about his separation all along - no one "suddenly" decides to get back together with their ex. In the back of his mind, I'm sure he had thought about what he would do if she came crawling back, and was always conflicted. And the fact that his daughter was crying about it doesn't help - although that whole scene also seems weird to me (any chance the exW might have planted a seed there?) Yes, the suddenness threw me off. And I'm not sure if I accurately conveyed what he said earlier on here -- which was that he felt unresolved about his marriage, realized it all the more after the daughter's outburst, and thus realized that he needed to GET resolved about it one way or the other. And that it was not fair to anyone for his heart to be in two places (ie with me and with wife/kid/family situation) while he sorted it out...he said that he didn't know if it would work out or not but that he needed to figure it out once and for all. That sounds slightly different to me than "I've decided to reunite with my estranged, cheating wife!" Oh, and I don't actually know what his ex has said about it at all - he said she was also unresolved and was going to break up with her boyfriend. I don't know if she came grovelling back or not. Regardless, the point is, you shouldn't wait around for him. He takes a long time to make up his mind, and what you want is someone who is available to you emotionally. He isn't, and even if this reconciliation doesn't work out (which I predict it won't), he still won't be available to you for a long time. Why wait? You don't owe him anything, and you owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself. You haven't done a single thing wrong, and have nothing to feel embarrassed about, or to reproach yourself with. Let him figure himself out on his own, and move on with your life. I wish you happiness - just remember that this painful period is only temporary. Yes, my brain knows I shouldn't wait around for him. My heart is lagging behind that a little bit. Someone else pointed out that he seems to waffle - why hasn't he made a clear decision in all the years up until now? (Great point!) AND, it is possible that he didn't really see the emotional impact on his child until Monday night - he said he'd never seen her that upset before, and in previous conversations he had said the D was very mature about it for a 5 year old (which incidentally was why he thought it was ok for me to sleep over 2 months ago). I was rather skeptical at the time - she's a kid! No kid is THAT mature. Anyhow, so I partly think that her outburst was the first real jolt to his system about how the divorce was really affecting her... and maybe for the first time forced him to face the situation head-on. In that respect, then, he made some very fast decisions that he needed to focus on his family and sort all that out, figure out what the best course of action is. So perhaps there's a bit of hope that he will actively make decisions about the marriage instead of waffling for several more years. ?
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 More processing here, thanks for the patience - better to process here than to be contacting him, right? okay, new very depressing theory. What if he and the ex have been having lots of conversations about their lack of resolve about the marriage ending? BF left me with the impression the other day that everything came to a head Monday night and THAT is when they discussed their mutually unresolved feelings. But what if they have been discussing it openly for longer than that? When my BF had weeknight visitation with his daughter, he would get home very late at night, well past her bedtime. So what were he and his ex talking about after she went to bed? I assumed it was about the ex's potential move to the city 500 miles away, and the logistics of having long distance visitation. I mean, they had gotten to the point where the plan was to rent my BF a 1-BR apartment in that city, which the ex and her boyfriend would pay for for two years. But what if somewhere in those conversations, BF and the ex started feeling unsure about it and discussing it openly? And then he was coming back to me and acting like everything was fine and he was 100% there and present and wanting to move forward with our relationship? I feel like I need to know. If he did anything like that, it will sure help me with closure, because he won't quite be as much of the stand-up guy that I currently believe him to be. Instead, he will be the guy who strung me along for weeks or months until the events of the past weekend forced the issue into the foreground. I feel like he owes me a few more answers here. He led me to believe he was over his marriage, and on that basis I agreed to start dating him. I think I deserve to know when all these events unfolded that led to the breakup on Tuesday.
sb129 Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 More processing here, thanks for the patience - better to process here than to be contacting him, right? okay, new very depressing theory. What if he and the ex have been having lots of conversations about their lack of resolve about the marriage ending? BF left me with the impression the other day that everything came to a head Monday night and THAT is when they discussed their mutually unresolved feelings. But what if they have been discussing it openly for longer than that? When my BF had weeknight visitation with his daughter, he would get home very late at night, well past her bedtime. So what were he and his ex talking about after she went to bed? I assumed it was about the ex's potential move to the city 500 miles away, and the logistics of having long distance visitation. I mean, they had gotten to the point where the plan was to rent my BF a 1-BR apartment in that city, which the ex and her boyfriend would pay for for two years. But what if somewhere in those conversations, BF and the ex started feeling unsure about it and discussing it openly? And then he was coming back to me and acting like everything was fine and he was 100% there and present and wanting to move forward with our relationship? I feel like I need to know. If he did anything like that, it will sure help me with closure, because he won't quite be as much of the stand-up guy that I currently believe him to be. Instead, he will be the guy who strung me along for weeks or months until the events of the past weekend forced the issue into the foreground. I feel like he owes me a few more answers here. He led me to believe he was over his marriage, and on that basis I agreed to start dating him. I think I deserve to know when all these events unfolded that led to the breakup on Tuesday. Yes, much better to process on here than contact him. Don't torture yourself with "needing to know" all that stuff. Whether you know the 'truth' or not, he IS the guy who "strung you along for weeks or months until the events of the past weekend forced the issue into the foreground". He led you on. Nothing you find out now will change that fact, so its best to let it go. When I split with my ex, there were lots of unanswered questions, to this day i don't know the answers to them, and I care not a bean now, thanks to no contact, and moving on with my life. You can do it SSG.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 It is quite possible that some discussion of the marriage and how they would handle things came up, but the plan was for she and bf to move away and him to follow. I just don't believe that he decided with his wife that they were working it out before the weekend that you were invited to spend time with he and his daughter. How much sense does that make? The W ask the D what did you do this weekend and she says dad and SSG and I .... whatever.... The decision had obviously not been made before then or he wouldn't have wanted his W to know. Has he thought about it without telling you??? Maybe, but we don't tell people things that we are thinking about that potentially might hurt them until we have made a decision. I talked with a girlfriend for weeks who was thinking about breaking up with her bf. She was confused but didn't tell him until the decision had been made. Now during that same conversation we talked about a guy friend we have in common and his girlfriend and threw him under the bus because it is obvious to us from what he says that he doesn't want a LTR from her. After the conversation with my girlfriend I asked her if she thought her situation was different from our guy friends and she laughed maybe not. I think its human to question things and not make a decision before we have thought it through.
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