Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Why? What you do know is that he is not "in love" with you. Isn't that enough? (sorry for the harshness- but he made a choice that clearly shows what he wants - her or the "family feeling") He could still love her or still be in love with the idea of having his "family" intact. Regardless, you have been left in the dust. (this format sucks, because this seems harsh but not my intention) Ouch. From everything I know so far, this was not an easy decision for him and he's struggling with it. I feel like it would help me to move on if I knew his heart was still caught up with her, as opposed to him trying to work things out solely for the kid's sake. The latter scenario seems less likely to work out than the former, if only because if he still loves her he may try harder, stay longer in a **** relationship because of an emotional hope of returned affection. If, on the other hand, he doesn't actually care for her, once he's back in the trenches he may realize that he can't make his kid happy when he doesn't care for the kid's mom.
StartingOver07 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Why? What you do know is that he is not "in love" with you. I don't agree. This might be true but it also may be that he just doesn't know how to hang on to his daughter and he is clutching at straws. I don't think there is a way for her to know at this time. I suppose knowing if he has been intimate with the ex while dating her will reveal some.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 ...though it does seem ridiculous to think that a 4-month dating relationship (we've known each other for 10 months) can compete with a 12 year marriage.
a4a Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 ...though it does seem ridiculous to think that a 4-month dating relationship (we've known each other for 10 months) can compete with a 12 year marriage. Funny I was going to ask how long both R's were. There is quite a bit of history there for him to just let go. How long have they been split up for?
DanielMadr Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 ...though it does seem ridiculous to think that a 4-month dating relationship (we've known each other for 10 months) can compete with a 12 year marriage. Victoria Secret lingerie, supportive, caring and confident talk and attitude and good meal can make 12 year marriage shrink to the size of Goering's balls.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 She formally moved out in Jan 06, though things were on the rocks for several years before that. As far I understand it, she started her affair shortly after their daughter was born, so sometime in 2001 or 2002. And the mutual friends through whom we met said that things had been "really bad" for "a really long time". BF had said their marriage had been filled with ups and downs, like most marriages, but they married too young and started growing apart. When the daughter was born, all the intimacy of their marriage went to her. (which is about when the wife took up the affair) He also said they had practically zero sex after D was born.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I so want to fight for him. It's a losing battle, probably. But I'm not exactly in a rational place right now. At minimum, I need to ask him whether he slept with her while we were together. But maybe I need to let things settle for a few days before getting in touch for any reason. Even though right now I want to reach out to him to let him know how much I care.
a4a Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 So the guy has been in a wishy washy M for years. Baggage, issues, and has not come to a decision since before 06. You have 4 months invested. I think you are lucky to find all this out in just 4 months. I see you more as wanting to help him, wanting to care about him. Do you see him as a "project" of sorts? Don't you want a partner that has no doubts about what he wants? Do you want to go into a competition for his "love"? You have at least 13 more years of him dealing with his X. Will thoughts of him still having lingering feelings for her come up in the future? If you keep telling yourself he is doing this for his daughter only I doubt that..... they have been apart over a year. Likely the X has some control over this man and there will be a struggle with this if you were to get more involved in the future. Sounds like the X is manipulative.... keep in mind she will be a part of your life if this ever did get serious. Is that something you want to really take on?
StartingOver07 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Yeah... I have to say that I am surprised to learb that he's been split with the ex for 1 1/2 years. That's long enough to have processed all the implications. Sounds like what could have happened is that the ex suddenly found herself without a man and decided that the grass was greener than she thought with your bf and has decided to make another play for him, potentially using the daughter as a tool. She will no doubt give him the boot again when a new man presents. Not good.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Do you see him as a "project" of sorts? Don't you want a partner that has no doubts about what he wants? Do you want to go into a competition for his "love"? I don't think I see him as a project. I learned that lesson a long time ago, that it's not my role to fix anybody. Can't be done. I do want a partner with no doubts about what he wants. He expressed no doubts about me or our relationship until yesterday. I don't want a competition for his love. It seemed so clear, so obvious, that I had it. His best friend commented to me a month ago that he was so glad I made him so happy...that it was good to see him happy after so much unhappiness in his life.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Yeah... I have to say that I am surprised to learb that he's been split with the ex for 1 1/2 years. That's long enough to have processed all the implications. Sounds like what could have happened is that the ex suddenly found herself without a man and decided that the grass was greener than she thought with your bf and has decided to make another play for him, potentially using the daughter as a tool. She will no doubt give him the boot again when a new man presents. Not good. The only other possibility I can think of is this: she was offered a new job in her boyfriend's city 500 miles away. And it's possible that when SHE realized all the implications of moving that far away, with the daughter, that something 'snapped' in her mind and she realized what (who) she was throwing away. ?? I have such a hard time having any kind of sympathetic view of her. She strikes me as self-absorbed and selfish, to the extreme. I just wish BF could see it and steer clear.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 So the guy has been in a wishy washy M for years. Baggage, issues, and has not come to a decision since before 06. Does this suggest he will always be wishy washy, will never come to a firm decision?
a4a Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 ok you are blaming his X for his choice to go try again with her. This is his choice. For what reason who knows, but he made a clear choice to go be with her again. There is something that he wants from her. It's not over. Why are you feeling sorry for him? He obviously wants to go back to her. He is doing that. IMHO you are better off without him. He still is in love with the ex. After all the hell he has gone through with her, split up for all this time...... he chose to go back again. Likely it will happen again even if it fails this time. He has to have contact with her because of their child. And you are yo- yoing because he cannot make up his mind (but he actually did make up his mind, he is working with his wife now)..... you deserve better don't you? So they are not divorced correct? Just seperated?
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 ok you are blaming his X for his choice to go try again with her. This is his choice. For what reason who knows, but he made a clear choice to go be with her again. There is something that he wants from her. It's not over. Why are you feeling sorry for him? He obviously wants to go back to her. He is doing that. IMHO you are better off without him. He still is in love with the ex. After all the hell he has gone through with her, split up for all this time...... he chose to go back again. Likely it will happen again even if it fails this time. He has to have contact with her because of their child. And you are yo- yoing because he cannot make up his mind (but he actually did make up his mind, he is working with his wife now)..... you deserve better don't you? So they are not divorced correct? Just seperated? yes, they're separated. i know i'm blaming her. she's an easy target. and now looking back, i realize he has been indecisive, or avoidant in processing the whole thing. i know she has a thing for drama, and she's never happy; if she is also at all manipulative, he will allow her to continue this push-pull cycle indefinitely until he decides to stop it and walk away altogether. So that is his part of it, at least from what i know of their situation. I know it is probably an impossible situation for me down the road, even if they officially end things. I'm just not yet at acceptance, okay? I could use a little compassion, given that the breakup occurred 16 hours ago.
StartingOver07 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 The only other possibility I can think of is this: she was offered a new job in her boyfriend's city 500 miles away. And it's possible that when SHE realized all the implications of moving that far away, with the daughter, that something 'snapped' in her mind and she realized what (who) she was throwing away. ?? This is possible but doesn't sound right to me. I think something has gone wrong with the ex and her bf -- maybe he got cold feet at the idea of her moving to be close to him -- and she is retreating to safer ground. I dunno. I have such a hard time having any kind of sympathetic view of her. She strikes me as self-absorbed and selfish, to the extreme. I just wish BF could see it and steer clear. He will see it when he sees it. For whatever reason, he doesn't see it now and you are not the one to make him see it. I don't even think you want to be. While the initial victory would be sweet -- and I mean this in the sense that you would be at peace emotionally, not in the sense that you are in a power play with the ex -- I think it would quickly turn sour. Much as it hurts, you have to let him make this mistake, even if it means not having him in your life.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Is this true?? A betrayed spouse always wants the cheater back? They never get over it, they never decide that person's character is bankrupt and they are better off without them? They owe it to their child to give it their best shot. To go to marriage counselling and see if things can work out. If both of them want it to work, it CAN work.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I will be offline for a few hours now... need to get out of the house and my sister is going to keep me company. But I would appreciate continued posts, other perspectives, opinions, etc, to help me process. Thanks so much. I'll check in again when I can.
annabelle75 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I really don't want to be harsh, but I don't want to feed you false hope. I have been almost exactly where you are at. I had a man that was "madly in love" with me and had even proposed to me the week before, do a complete about face and go back to his ex-wife. The day before he and I were making plans for a vacation together and I thought everything was perfect. The next day he fed me the same lines your guy gave you. He told me he suspected he was making the biggest mistake of his life and making love to me was the greatest experience he ever had but that he felt he needed to give his ex another chance for their kids sake. Sadly I held onto hope for a while and it devestated me even more as time went on and I never heard from him again. He's still with her now. It took me a long time to realize the fact that he really wasn't in love with me the way he said he was. If he had been, he would not have left me. It was hard to deal with but I know he wasn't the right man for me. I deserve a man that would have chosen me. I do understand that his daughter has an affect on his decison, but as a divorced parent I can tell you that telling you it is becasue of his daughter is a cop out. If the marriage was that bad and they have been a apart this long, he knows better. I suspect his ex is trying to get him back for whatever reason (new guy didn't work out) and deep down he has always fantasized that she would come back to him. He was surely devistated that she cheated on him and always hoped she would see the error of her ways and want him back. Its happening now and he is willing to lose you to see it thorugh to the end. You deserve so much better than to be treated like that. He doesn't deserve your support or caring right now. What he did to you is not OK.
sb129 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 i know i'm blaming her. she's an easy target. and now looking back, i realize he has been indecisive, or avoidant in processing the whole thing. i know she has a thing for drama, and she's never happy; if she is also at all manipulative, he will allow her to continue this push-pull cycle indefinitely until he decides to stop it and walk away altogether. So that is his part of it, at least from what i know of their situation. . You have made a great point here SSG. He will see it when he sees it. For whatever reason, he doesn't see it now and you are not the one to make him see it. I don't even think you want to be. While the initial victory would be sweet -- and I mean this in the sense that you would be at peace emotionally, not in the sense that you are in a power play with the ex -- I think it would quickly turn sour. Much as it hurts, you have to let him make this mistake, even if it means not having him in your life. Again, great point. I know it hurts SSG. Keeping this thread and reading it a little later might help when its a little less raw. I am sorry this happened to you, but as I said, its better it happened now, you can and will recover from this.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I am sorry this happened to you, but as I said, its better it happened now, you can and will recover from this. I am in a bad place right now. You know, that bad dark place where you don't think you'll ever meet someone as fabulous, as compatible, with whom you have just as much chemistry... like this was my chance for happiness and it's gone and I'll never have it again. Like it really was too good to be true - as I told him last night. (To which he said, no, it was good and it was true.) <-- now don't know whether to believe that, though he was crying at the time. Like I said, the bad place.
sb129 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I know that place well SSG. Been there a few times. But I came back! Which means you will too. When a R ends, most dumpees lose sight of the fact that the other person wasn't perfect for you. Why? Because the dumper broke up with you. Which means they don't appreciate how wonderful you are, and therefore they are not right for you. Try not to forget that. The person who DOES see how wonderful you are will stick around. x. hugs to you, I know its tough. It DOES end, promise.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Thank you SB129. I hate that I am back in this place - the post-breakup sludge and everything that goes with it... including the eventual "get back on that horse" nightmare that is dating. With this BF, I felt like I had finally met the person who would be there for the long haul, who was my match. It felt really good to be 'off the market' and to be as happy as I was. I hate that this is causing me to second-guess everything that happened between us, even though I am actually pretty sure that I made him very happy too. Some part of me thinks he knows how wonderful I am, but the vortex of a messy marriage and sense of responsibility/obligation pulled him away.
StartingOver07 Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Hi SG. I know the feeling you are experiencing. But it will pass. Even if it seems like it won't.
littlekitty Posted May 31, 2007 Posted May 31, 2007 Something other than his daughter is going on here. My H2B left his ex and 6 month old child. No-one cheated, he was just unhappy (depressed, on the verge of a breakdown), and when she chucked him out of the house the last time, he made the choice not to go back. I met him 3 months later. He was still processing and dealing with things then. It was still hard for him to accept he had left his child. But he knew in his heart of hearts that he could be a better father when he was happy, rather than when he was soon unhappy. Another 3 months later she asked him to go back. He said no. He loved me, and he knew he was a being a better father to his child (even in his daily absence) than he ever could be while in a relationship with her. He see's his child at least once a week, if not more often. They (and we) have a great bond. This man's child is not the only reason he's gone back. He had a year and a half to process all this. One crying session by his daughter hasn't prompted this return to his ex. Perhaps I'm wrong. But that's my honest opinion.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Posted May 31, 2007 Something other than his daughter is going on here. My H2B left his ex and 6 month old child. No-one cheated, he was just unhappy (depressed, on the verge of a breakdown), and when she chucked him out of the house the last time, he made the choice not to go back. I met him 3 months later. He was still processing and dealing with things then. It was still hard for him to accept he had left his child. But he knew in his heart of hearts that he could be a better father when he was happy, rather than when he was soon unhappy. Another 3 months later she asked him to go back. He said no. He loved me, and he knew he was a being a better father to his child (even in his daily absence) than he ever could be while in a relationship with her. He see's his child at least once a week, if not more often. They (and we) have a great bond. This man's child is not the only reason he's gone back. He had a year and a half to process all this. One crying session by his daughter hasn't prompted this return to his ex. Perhaps I'm wrong. But that's my honest opinion. Thanks for sharing that, littlekitty. You might be right. I don't know how the pieces all fit together: BF told me a few months ago that had they not had a child together, they probably would have divorced several years ago and gone their separate ways. According to him, they married (too) young, and grew apart over the years (he's 35, I think she's 36). Now whether that's his god's honest and deep conviction about it, or it's a post-game justification that helped him cope with the adultery and subsequent separation, I don't know.
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