Author sunshinegirl Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 Unresolved feelings toward his ex and ending his marriage. And, as it turns out, unresolved feelings at her end as well. She's dumping her boyfriend (incidentally the man she CHEATED on him with) so they can try to salvage their relationship.
annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Unresolved feelings toward his ex and ending his marriage. And, as it turns out, unresolved feelings at her end as well. She's dumping her boyfriend (incidentally the man she CHEATED on him with) so they can try to salvage their relationship. That's just horrible. I'm so sorry. I wish there was somehting I could say to make you feel better. It probably doesn't help much right now but know that you have us all here to talk to.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 I'm just in shock. I can't believe it. I don't want this to be happening. He was the best relationship I've been in... he even said tonight that walking out the door might be the biggest mistake of his life. I want to run after him to beg him not to do this, to remind him of all the effort he already put into salvaging his marriage and it didn't work, to remind him how his ex betrayed him and their marriage, to remind him of our happiness together. Please don't do this. Please don't.
annabelle75 Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I'm just in shock. I can't believe it. I don't want this to be happening. He was the best relationship I've been in... he even said tonight that walking out the door might be the biggest mistake of his life. I want to run after him to beg him not to do this, to remind him of all the effort he already put into salvaging his marriage and it didn't work, to remind him how his ex betrayed him and their marriage, to remind him of our happiness together. Please don't do this. Please don't. If he is willing to walk away .... he just isn't the one. I can't believe he did this to you. He had no business starting a relationship if he was still hung up on his ex. You didn't deserve this. Odds are things won't work out with he and his ex, but that isn't something you should count on. You deserve better than some one that would leave you for another woman, no matter who that woman is.
allina Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Unresolved feelings toward his ex and ending his marriage. And, as it turns out, unresolved feelings at her end as well. She's dumping her boyfriend (incidentally the man she CHEATED on him with) so they can try to salvage their relationship. I'm sorry to ear how things ended, I was convinced you were just stressing out and that it would be fine. I know that you're hurting right now but try to look at the situation for what it really is. Sure the relationship was good, but clearly he wasn't ready to move on and had a ton of baggage, it's better that you found out now instead of in another year. If he is unsure about ending his marriage there was nothing you could have done. It also seems like his ex/wife was getting the child involved in their issues. I don't want to be insensitive but wash your hands of this mess.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 He broke up with me. I'm in shock, I'm crying, I can't believe he did, but how is it that my gut instinct was sooo right? Sorry that you're in pain. Here's a hug... Unresolved feelings toward his ex and ending his marriage. And, as it turns out, unresolved feelings at her end as well. She's dumping her boyfriend (incidentally the man she CHEATED on him with) so they can try to salvage their relationship. There's not much you can do when someone changes their mind. They have a child together and unfortunately for you, he chose to go back. Maybe he is making a mistake, who knows? Either way, sadly, you're going to have to let him go.... I'm just in shock. I can't believe it. I don't want this to be happening. He was the best relationship I've been in... he even said tonight that walking out the door might be the biggest mistake of his life. I want to run after him to beg him not to do this, to remind him of all the effort he already put into salvaging his marriage and it didn't work, to remind him how his ex betrayed him and their marriage, to remind him of our happiness together. Please don't do this. Please don't. Because of their child, don't interfer. Let him go... Hate to say it, but IS it possible that he has been with her while still seeing you? The way their daughter reacted to the news that you were thinking of sleeping over. She FREAKED! Almost like the little girl knew or saw her mommy and daddy talking/cuddling. Not saying this to upset you, but enough so you don't go chasing after him and convince him to come back to you. He has too much baggage anyway, as much as you liked/loved him... Hope you feel better soon.
Lizzie60 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I'm just in shock. I can't believe it. I don't want this to be happening. He was the best relationship I've been in... he even said tonight that walking out the door might be the biggest mistake of his life. I want to run after him to beg him not to do this, to remind him of all the effort he already put into salvaging his marriage and it didn't work, to remind him how his ex betrayed him and their marriage, to remind him of our happiness together. Please don't do this. Please don't. So sorry for you... don't run after him.. let him go... be strong. Once a marriage is broken I doubt very much it can work again... so he'll be out of there soon...but for now...just take care of yourself...
sb129 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Unresolved feelings toward his ex and ending his marriage. And, as it turns out, unresolved feelings at her end as well. She's dumping her boyfriend (incidentally the man she CHEATED on him with) so they can try to salvage their relationship. I am really sorry SSG. The others are right, he doesn't deserve you. Let them made their mistakes again, hold your head high- you have done nothing wrong.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I'm a complete wreck. He doesn't even have a plan for how he's going to work on things with her. I want him to at least give the reconciliation every possible resource he can, so when it doesn't work out again he can know there was absolutely nothing else he could have done. He needs to be in IC, they need to be in MC, they need to NOT move back in together unless/until they are sure they are going to work out... I know it's none of my business how they handle all of this, but this is so fresh and painful that of course I am harboring the fantasy that when it falls apart permanently, he will come back to me. I do not think they were intimate with each other at all while we were dating, but I should maybe ask because we were not using condoms and if he exposed me to what his skanky cheating wife is carrying around, I will be extremely pissed. His wife obviously didn't want him when she cheated on him for 5 years, and when she left him. Why does she suddenly feel ambivalent? (which is what he said - obviously if she were not also expressing doubt over the divorce we wouldn't be in this place) I am totally convinced that it's because he saw her moving on and finally finding happiness without her. God. I can't process this. I don't want to let him go. I want his happiness, but I want him to find his happiness with ME. My friends and sister think he is making a mistake in going back to her - trying to resuscitate a clearly dead horse. Mistake is the wrong word... I respect him for trying to work things out for the sake of his daughter, but their marriage has been long, long broken and he expressed nothing about love for his ex when he explained things last night. It was all about how he couldn't stand to see his daughter in so much pain, and that he was not prepared to not be a part of her life on a daily basis. What are the statistics on how often marriages in which cheating occurred can be repaired, anyway? Please bear with me while I process this. I have to work through the bargaining and denial stuff, which for me includes working through the reconciliation fantasy.
DanielMadr Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 What worries me is, that one insignificant omission can make so much bad blood. Or is it something else?
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 What worries me is, that one insignificant omission can make so much bad blood. Or is it something else? I don't think I understand - what's the significant omission?
Ripples Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 What a horrible thing to do to you. From your last post I get the impression that you've spoken to him since he ended it between you? It'd be better for you to go NC. As tough and horrible and lonely as it seems, NC needn't be that way and it certainly won't be nearly as hard as talking ocassionally in the hope that he'll come running back and not having the space and time to devote to you, once again. Having said all that, I think asking him if he was sleeping with his wife while seeing you would be a good thing. But do it calmly with no emotion (yea, tough one to pull off at this stage!). If you can ask him in this way it'll not only ease your mind but it will have the nice consequence of showing how together you are and give him food for thought about dumping you. Now, I'm not wishing him on you again, he's not treated you well enough, but it'd be good for him to have a little mental anguish for a while
DanielMadr Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 going back to her Oh here it is. Hmmm if you want him fight for him. Talk some sense into him like 'Your daughter will be better with sperate but caring and loving parents than under one roof with bitter, unhappy ones.' It is clearly a mistake to go back to someone who cheated on you....there is no respect, love, only bitter memories and doubts.
DanielMadr Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I don't think I understand - what's the significant omission? The lack of informing you about Memorial Day plans. But I can see now the root of trouble.
Lizzie60 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 What are the statistics on how often marriages in which cheating occurred can be repaired, anyway? I don't know what the stats are, but what I find 'typical' in this case (like many other cases) is the fact that the 'dumpee' never totally recover from being 'cheated' and 'dumped'... whether it's the husband or the wife... he/she always 'hope' that the 'dumper' will take them back.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 What are the statistics on how often marriages in which cheating occurred can be repaired, anyway? I don't know what the stats are, but what I find 'typical' in this case (like many other cases) is the fact that the 'dumpee' never totally recover from being 'cheated' and 'dumped'... whether it's the husband or the wife... he/she always 'hope' that the 'dumper' will take them back. Is this true?? A betrayed spouse always wants the cheater back? They never get over it, they never decide that person's character is bankrupt and they are better off without them?
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Oh here it is. Hmmm if you want him fight for him. Talk some sense into him like 'Your daughter will be better with sperate but caring and loving parents than under one roof with bitter, unhappy ones.' It is clearly a mistake to go back to someone who cheated on you....there is no respect, love, only bitter memories and doubts. In this moment, this is exactly what I want to do. Shake him by the shoulders and wake him up. But I know that until he works this through to the bitter end, and truly resolves in his heart that things are over and he's ready to move on, that we could never be together anyway. What I am afraid of is not truly letting go and moving on because I am waiting and wishing for things to go south. And yet I still want to wait and wish for things to go south. I also know that NC is the best way to heal and go forward. I have been through enough breakups to know that, and I have done a good job of NC in the past. Someone asked if I've talked to him since the breakup conversation- no. It occurred at 6pm last night. Two girlfriends and my sister kept me company last night. Oh and yes I do want him to feel the mental anguish. I want him, when he's in the ugly, painful trenches with stupid cheating ex-wife, to remember how good things were with us. That we had a clean slate, and that we were happy, and that I have never, and would never, betray him. And that I gave him the best sex of his life (his words). When he broke up with me, I said something like "I should have known - things were too good to be true." He said: no, it was good and it was true. I know, start the violin playing.
Lizzie60 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Is this true?? A betrayed spouse always wants the cheater back? They never get over it, they never decide that person's character is bankrupt and they are better off without them? I have no stats to back up my statement but, from what I read and heard, the betrayed spouse never get totally over it, and often, they want to give them second, third, fourth.... chances. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that the cheating spouse is bankruptcy.
a4a Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Is this true?? A betrayed spouse always wants the cheater back? They never get over it, they never decide that person's character is bankrupt and they are better off without them? No not true (written in stone) at all. Each situation would be different of course. I would imagine that it is possible to feel the need to find closure or attempt to repair themselves by feeling like they are still desired or wanted by the cheater and "worthy" of being wanted by the cheater. Reading this I have to wonder if the EX did not plant some "ideas" in the childs head to manipulate the situation. At the age of 5 this displayed behavior seems a little off. IMHO. Regardless if he was "with you" while still having feelings for the EX he is a chump.
StartingOver07 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 he expressed nothing about love for his ex when he explained things last night. It was all about how he couldn't stand to see his daughter in so much pain, and that he was not prepared to not be a part of her life on a daily basis. Ok,not to take his side, but this is huge, imo. And while I agree that he should not have entered into a r/s with you unless he was really sure, I can also see how he might have been sure he was done with his wife but hadn't really appreciated the impact of not being with her daughter. Dare I suggest that in some ways this speaks well of him? Fact is, when men divorce, they generally lose their kids. I know several people will chime in with stories about wonderful father/child relationships that developed after divorce, but there is no question that there are many cases where this does not occur. Particularly if mom does not go out of her way to faciliate father/child contact and the child is very young, it is easy for the fathre/child r/s to sort of slip away. If he is a good father, then this will pain him very much. In this case, mom has been seeing someone else and that someone else may have been forging his own r/s with the daughter, which cannot be easy to watch. Should he have thought this stuff through before he started dating you? Absolutely! But I don't see him as an ogre for attempting this reconciliation with his wife. I don't know enough to know if he still has feelings for her -- in some cases I think the dumpee never really gets over it but in other cases s/he does -- but he may be feeling desperate enough about dd to think that there is a chance. I do think that when it falls apart you will hear from him again. Whether or not you can or should re-engage is something only you can answer.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I feel like I need to know if he loves her (his ex).
StartingOver07 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I feel like I need to know if he loves her (his ex). I doubt it. I think he loves his daughter and does not know how to handle the loss of her.
a4a Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I feel like I need to know if he loves her (his ex). Why? What you do know is that he is not "in love" with you. Isn't that enough? (sorry for the harshness- but he made a choice that clearly shows what he wants - her or the "family feeling") He could still love her or still be in love with the idea of having his "family" intact. Regardless, you have been left in the dust. (this format sucks, because this seems harsh but not my intention)
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